writtenbyidah

[writtenbyidah]

We are going to UK

Rougly a year ago, I planned on something out of my comfort zone. Been wanting to visit my parents on my own– a solo trip, on my own.

So I decided to tell Khairi on what I've been planning. Initially he wanted to come to me but like I told before. Things came out pretty much coincident. Khai's late father got cancer.

Told him, he do not have to come with me and let me be with me, a transit to Dubai and walla, I'll arrive within a day, it is not that scary but he will not let me.

So I listened to be support him during his difficult time. I will be there when he need me the most. Glad I was there during his father last breathe. Besides him, comfort him and all.

Less than a month past, I told him I want to go to the UK, celebrate raya with my family in the UK.

He was not that happy, you all should see his face when I told him that. I confront him that he need to at least cut me a loose. I want to travel so bad, away from work. I was mentally drained but I did not tell him that.

Confronted him again and again until he agrees and he did. Alhamdulillah (why he acted like a husband now).

But with one condition, yes one.

He want to come with me.

I gasped and asked "are you serious? isn't it a lilttle too early for you to leave you family especially after you dad passed?" he stared into my eyes and said "i will never be ready but this is not all about me, you've been wanting to leave and I shall accompany you. I cannot make this only about me- ignoring and neglecting your feelings. I should be the one thanking you for staying. So, I say we should go. He passed away, I did what i could to keep him alive, done everything for the family, did not get enough rest, sleep or even alone time with you, you did not complaint nor rebel instead you devote. Thank you."

Yes, a very meaning full expression of words that long enough made me tear up, shed my tears quickly and smiled.

Thank you too sayang.

Made the decision pretty much fucked up that night. I was not that sure if we should go or not but i was sure enough with or without him, I shall make that happen.

Like a miracle, few days after, an ads showed up on my page, I remember someone reposted the post of RBA having a new year sales. Estimate of airplane fare was about $1.8 grand but it was 40% off? Probably something like that.

$1.2 grand return ticket? I quickly called him and told him. He said yes we should go. It is a sign.

Told my boss 3 month early notice, picked a date, deciding how long we should stay, booked a ticket, got the money and made a transaction because we want to claimed 10% off with this specific bank.

Return to the car, quickly wanted to make the payment, opened the app, filled in all the details and lastly into the last part. Yes, 'agree and pay' section.

We looked at each other, smiled and gasped for an air. Was nervous obviously.

Pressed the pay button. Waiting, loading, still loading. Waited for few minutes and popped, "you have made your payment." notifications.

Glad and happy.

"We are going to UK, baby" he says.

"We made it"

[writtenbyidah]

All too well

When I said I wanted to have a perfect story to my love life journey- it's not the partner I want. It's the best version of myself I want. The person who can let me be who I wanna be- not what he want me to be.

It hurts ever more knowing he can't accept me for who I am and wanted more and more from me to prove that I can be better for him not for me.

What are we to be honest? lover? just a normal foe?

[writtenbyidah]

Family conflicts

I don't have someone to talk to now, the fact that i have no one to talk to didn't change anything. I am used to be on my own now. I know no one can stay and accept me for who I am. That shows enough.

Before I was back to relationship status: to single. I was upset with my sister and father for getting mad at my brother. Like everyone else, no one can talk bad or hurt my siblings/parents/other half/bff but me. I can get mad at them, give harsh advice to them or even scolded them if they did wrong or pissed me off but on one can do that to my loved ones.

The fact that my sister complaint my brother going out to his bestfriend for sleep over and my father just scoop over to my dad and be mad at him really boiled me blood up. Do not ever be mad at my brother for just because he slept over at his bestfriend every weekends.

Its not fair when she can uses the car but not my brother. absurb.

[writtenbyidah]

Thankful note-

Hey, you finally found me, by the time you read this, you might now know how hard it is to let go of this feelings.

To stop from missing you, but I guess it is one of the process where I should be standing up on my own, right?

I might not be the person you like before, might as well not the person who wore spec, who don't have bangs, who are not good with doing makeups- esp. eyeliner, but guess what.

I did it all for you, the fact that you tried to turn me into her. I know from the begging its not me who hasn't moved on, its you.

Bringing up my past was one of your way to forget your ex. It didn't being any good to me but you. You want me to feel the guilt, maybe?

you let it all on me. Thanks Khairi. I shall move on from you, the one who didn't bring any good to be but the one who been holding back and hold grudges on my past.

[writtenbyidah]

Why I wouldn't begged?

why? because I know how hurt it is to bagg on someone who wouldn't stay. I know tiring it is to stay knowing they are moving on, moving forward happily without even looking back. I'm tired.

I should step forward too. I did my best to not look back no things that's been holding me back, but guess my other half who won't stop moving on, who keep holding back on my past.

putting out relationship at risk- I get it now.

maybe he's not the one after all.

[writtenbyidah]

2023 RECAPS

my first 2024 post was about me complaining how tough life has been. However, I forgot to write a post about 2024 like how I used to posts every year. Thanking 2023 should also included.

Previous years was not included due to my first relationship has been a huge failure.

Therefore, my 2023 recaps should be starts with Jan and ends with Dec like how I used to do it traditionally

JAN 2023 - in 2022 Khairi and I made a big decision to loan a car, YES A CAR. With Late Khairi's dad help, we are able to loan a car. It was the happiest day in our life cause I get to stop hearing Khairi's complaining. Long story short, arwah made it to Khairi's graduation day and that was when Khairi received his car. We named it Puteh (technically Khairi named her). After lots of struggled, within 4 months. A year ago, Khairi got hit by careless stupid driver and yup a girl. That was after I got him our FIRST RIM.

FEB 2023 - The struggle we had, indescribable. I cannot imagine the frustration Khairi had with him knowing had to go back and forth to school with no car and had to depends on his dad. Again, I had to hear him complaining about it EVERYDAY.

But that was not it, the insurance company they signed up for lent a car to him, a good news (get to see his smile cause he do not have to trouble his dad) and bad news at the same time- the fuel consumption is quicker, at least $5 a day is a must.

MAR 2023 - New semester starts, he was still upset and disappointed. So, I was determined to make him happy. Did not know if that makes him happy or not. (Apparently he said I did not know if its a good thing or not to buy him certain items which I think is kinda useful to him lol) whatever it is, I bought him new pair of shoes for school to replace his damaged car shoes aka rim. I saw him smirking but okay lah, considered him happy a bit.

APR 2023 - an updates, still no car. Khairi still complaining about the fuel tank consumption- but oh well, what i can do about it. I accept for who he is. Reaching Eid, we still clueless with a lot of thing. I was not happy when it comes to Eid since parents were not around as well as my brother,

On second day of Eid, I was pleased to hear the news from Khairi to bring me and meet his family side, one of the best thing ever.

MAY 2023 - Khairi still on his school days where he gets busier and only had little time to spare with me. Of course we still go on a date but it was not as happy as before. The way he still managed to bring me out- is enough. Until we received news about arwah's disease news, he was diagnosed with cancer and it was one of the heartbreak Khairi had for the first time of the year. Went back-to-back to hospital just to hear sad news about the family is not what everyone wished for. Khairi still with school coming, HAD TO MAKE TIME for his dad, school, work and me. Told him countless time to prioritized his dad first and me after but he insisted to make time for me so that I don't have to feel left out- and still thankful for that.

JUNE 2023 - Semester break, now he had 3 things to focus on (work, dad and me) but I let him loose to at least take care of his dad. I never want him to regret on things involving family. Most importantly we still get to hang out but not as often as before.

JULY 2023 - I was having mental breakdown with office mates especially when you dont get appreciated and they only know complains you. My sister, Ummi get accepted by Politeknik to continue her study, alhamdulillah.

AUGUST 2023 - Coming 2023 end, we were devastated with lots of things, misunderstanding- but that's normal right? I'm happy with what he gave me, he did not give much, but time and efforts can be seen throughout the year.

SEPTEMBER 2023 - Highlight of the year, I was happy cause he made it to celebrate my birthday with NO CAKE hehe- still happy tho. I, myself don't like cake either. So, it was fine.

OCTOBER 2023 - I don't remember much, all I know was I was on countdowns to my brother and mom's arrival from the UK. Oh ya, also my grandpa is getting married to a 54 year old lady who is a widow- I guess.

NOVERMBER 2023 - Khairi's day. Remembering Khairi turning 23 was a bit not exciting cause my mom was in town, nothing much to do- celebrating his birthday was not one of it. I did not even prepare his birthday presents or his cake- does that make me a bad girlfriend. I was short in cash and was also paying for my license but thanks to Khairi for helping me out. He did help me a lot tho.

DECEMBER 2023 - As much as I don't want to remember and not expecting- I also know deep down Khairi was also not ready to deal with what he's going to face. Counting down to new year eve, I was about to watch cinema with my Bungsu, Bungsu was kind to pay off the tickets for me and Khairi but things twisted differently after the Khairi's dad was in critical condition- unable to breath, the feels was off. Told Khairi to stay at home, but he insisted to come with me. However, right after Khairi arrived at the mall and he said that his dad is dying. I immediately change the plan, the situation in the car was weird indeed with lots of thoughts coming in, we did not even say much- I remember holding Khairi's hand.

Right after arrived home, all I know I was shaking to the point I could not even stand properly, entering the house with full of hopes that he would make it to stay till new year, mind you it was on the 31st Dec 2023. A day before new year.

Hearing Khairi mumbling telling the family that his dad was taking a nap- in denial and refused to believe that Arwah has gone. For good. The scream of help, begging for him to come back was the hardest sounds for me to accept and get back in reality, but it was real, It was the day I knew he lost a dad- a person he usually depends/rely on,

I hope nothing but the best for him.

[writtenbyidah]

Have you ever feel unhappy most of the time?

Yes that's me. So much control in my life makes me feeling suffocate on certain things.

I'm 23 years now but the feeling of having to live in hell is not one my list. I'm grateful but this attention I'm getting is too much to the point, I feel like dying.

My current relationship is healthy I guess? not sure. But I'm not sure if I'm stupid or just pretending to be idiot?

He might say I have attitude problems but the things is, its just him not wanted me to be another person. Maybe he sees me as a person he firstly get to know, in denial when it comes seeing my true colours. I don't know, just hoping he will accept me for who I am

[writtenbyidah]

Gilmore Girls

For the last couple of months or probably since last year, I have been watching Gilmore Girls all over again.

I don't know why but it is therapeutic for me to watch how good Lorelai and Rory bonds. I am honestly aspire to be like Lorelai, the cool-good-hilarious sarcasm mom. But probably not the hilarious part. Not good with that

[writtenbyidah]

Marriage Life

Who would thought of married? yup, us. It's funny how things went by really fast. I am now 23 years and I never thought of thinking about marriage ever.

How things get serious and people think it's better to tie the knot and did it in halal way where people talk about sunnah and all.

Have you ever scared of commitment? I was not before but when I got dumped 3 years ago like trash, I think it is better not to get married. So, people get to walk away anytime they want.

Isn't it more better to just date, people say once you get married, male tend to see their 'wife' unattractive. Scary.

Ugh.

[writtenbyidah]

Dear love of my life,

I'm sorry for not being able to express on certain things esp. when it involves my feelings. I often lost in my own thoughts and rather be shrinking.

[writtenbyidah]

I'm back

How long has it been? a year? two? It's been so long I didn't even get the chance to write anymore.

I love writings before because it inspired me to do more. Now, I'm clueless. Been busy with my life before, work mostly. I had school, volunteer job I signed up for when covid occurred.

Had the most amazing years I have ever encounter. Guess I am happier with my boyfriend who supported me through ups and downs.

Thank you specially goes to my boyfriend for being lovable and understandable. I might hurt him with my words, with that I am seeking forgiveness, through writing.

I will surely be back.

[writtenbyidah]

I don't feel like writing anyways. I hate it here

[writtenbyidah]

I'm so pathetic and sad. 

and that makes me wanna cry

[writtenbyidah]

Attention

what will you do if you’re getting lack of attention from your love ones? right, that's right, empty, loneliness and bored. you’re out of idea on what to do. just like me, I mean I don't mind if he have some times playing games and all but its been all night like this. I am so tired of feeling like this. oh oh and I am on my period, can't he spend his night with me? I feel honestly left out :)

has he always been like this to others too? its not fair to me. huh, can god at least turn him into a girl for once, maybe in his dream where he’s on period wanting for attention? 

hm...

[writtenbyidah]

Exhausted

everyone must have experienced tired, there’s no way a person never feel that way but my kind of tired is differ than any of other regular students. I even feeling super demotivated to study due to I have an errands to run.

[writtenbyidah]

𝘿𝙖𝙞𝙡𝙮 𝙍𝙚𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧 : I’m madly in love with you.

Falling in love is easy, what hard is to keep the spark alive and real because we never know how it will end. I just hope I feel the same way like before but I guess heart can die too. Die from beating like the feel of having butterflies flying in your stomach. 

I have always love you since Day 1 and I know how hard it is to deal with me, I just wanna say thank you and I'm sorry for being such a burden to you, its exhausting, I know, been there. I wish I know how to start over and repair all the broken pieces I have caused. I cannot make you to stay loving me, but I hope you will always keep trying- you know, to always keep fighting.

I know my ego might ruins everything and I know for sure that I'm the one that’s gonna regret everything, 

Last, before you gone, I hope you read this. I’m sorry. I guess you deserve someone else...

[writtenbyidah]

I want to have random, pointless conversations with you.

(via perfectfeelings)