writtenramblings

[writtenramblings]

May 19, 2021

It has been such a LONG time since I’ve posted anything here. I love reflecting on my previous posts and seeing the growth that has happened, but mainly growth because of time passing, not any real effort on my part. Ever since I graduated, I’ve been reflecting on the person I’ve become and the relationships that I’m in. The biggest thing I’ve realized is that I’m not really the person I want to be in the sense of how I treat those closest to me.

It’s kind of odd when you think about it but I think a lot of people will know what I’m talking about. I’m polite and reserved around strangers or people I don’t know that well, that’s fine. But with the people I’m closest to, I don’t treat them that way they’re supposed to be treated or even the way *I* want to treat them. I have control over the way I treat others, but for some reason, I don’t control the way that I act around them because that would mean not “showing my true colors” or whatever goes on subconsciously in my mind to justify that.

One of the biggest things that I’ve realized is that I try to impose the way I think onto other people. To my friends, whenever I disagree, even if it’s about really TINY things, I try to get them to change their mind... on something that doesn’t even matter. To my SO, I try to get him to change, which isn’t even something I want because I’ve realized that I love how absolutely silly and funny he is BUT there’s no way for him to know that because of the way I treat him. If that makes sense.

Another thing I’ve realized is that I’m possessive. There are only 2 relationships that I have where I am not possessive and those two people are some of my closest friends. One of them lives really far away from me so there’s no way for us to spend time with each other but we occasionally talk and it flows so easily. I can’t imagine that it would be the same if I tried to impose myself on her. The other one is a free spirit. She talks to so, so, so many people and that’s one of the things that I love about her. She’s bright and bubbly and everyone who meets her comes to love her. I’ve noticed though, that even though she talks to people all the time, that she really values being able to choose her time. I know she’s busy a lot of the time, both with school and plans with people, so I take the time that she gives me and I don’t complain. I’m not possessive of my time with her or of her because she is her own person and I respect her time. And that is how every relationship that I have should be. ESPECIALLY that with my SO.

I am ashamed to say how I’ve been treating my SO because I realized that he deserves so much better. I’ve been so possessive and anal about the time that he gives me. And it’s awful because he has given me so much time, we study together, we share meals together, he MAKES time for me and every time, I’ve said that it isn’t good enough because it’s not a date or it’s not us being able to cuddle or whatever. But the thing is, I wasn’t being flexible with him at all. I said that I was but in reality, I wasn’t. At all. I was NOT being courteous or considerate of the time that he has or how truly busy he is. And this type of toll, me always saying that the time he gave to me wasn’t good enough, ended up with him not wanting to spend time with me.

I’ve been practicing being not possessive, trying to be the person that I want to be. I hope it’s not too late though, because I know that I did do some real damage to the relationship that means the most to me.

Thank you for reading!

-D

[writtenramblings]

January 22nd, 2021

Hi Tumblr,

This won’t be a sad girl post. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to write for 10 minutes a day. My hand is very tired from taking notes so I decided that today’s entry will be typed.

In these entries, I don’t quite have a subject in mind. Sometimes I write about writing, sometimes I write about the people in my life and what is happening. I never write about the day that I have had because I don’t want it to become a diary. I want it to be about the thoughts that I have while writing. It is practice for writing my thoughts.

I also tend to not quite edit my words or the way I write them. Sometimes I do cross words out and then reword the sentences that I’ve written but most of the time, I write whatever comes to mind. I know that that doesn’t necessarily reflect writing, but it does help to translate my thoughts into words.

I tend to always write about writing since the purpose of this resolution is to practice writing. I have not gotten to the point where I am comfortable with practicing writing fiction. Eventually, I do want to write a book. There have been several days where I have written about the books that inspire me. There are two books that I would love to emulate. They are different genres, kind of, but they are similar in the characters that they contain.

My goal, I guess, is to write a coming-of-age novel. Both of the books that I want to emulate don’t have a romantic relationship moving the plot forward, it is merely a part of the character’s life. Arguably, it is what partly helps motivate them and the story that progresses, but it is never the main character doing something solely for the romantic interest. I like that approach because having a book motivated by a romantic plot seems to be done very often.

I know that it is done often because it works. Readers get invested in characters and in the romantic interest and the interest then transfers into wanting to see these two characters get together “against all odds.” I’m not sure if I could write a romance book or even a romance set in a dystopia. 1984 is a very nice version of this. I know that that is diluting the book down to one plot but the romantic subplot did move the plot forward and helped uncover the world.

I like coming-of-age novels because they focus on the main character and how they grow throughout the story. When I read books, I get very invested in the characters and want to see them succeed and achieve their goals. I sometimes think of my favorite main characters as kind of friends. It’s hard to explain. Obviously, they are not real. But they reflect characteristics that I find appealing and that I either want to have or appreciate in people. Whenever I read different fiction books, I think of the main character as a person; someone who I meet at the beginning and who I get to know throughout the story.

I want to write a character that is relatable. I think my approach is I want to write a character that I want to meet. A character who I would want to be friends with if they were a real person. Someone who I can relate to. This doesn’t mean that I want them to have the same characteristics as me. I find character who are a different gender or sexuality or race than me very relatable. It is a character who has very human struggles that the reader can relate to. That is a character that I want to write -- someone who seems realistic. Someone who you could meet in a class or coffee shop or anywhere. Someone who could actually exist.

Anyway, my 10 minutes are up for today.

[writtenramblings]

December 8, 2020

Hi Tumblr

I guess I’m back. I always feel slightly ashamed when I write a tumblr post on this blog since it’s always about something sad or something tiny went wrong.

Every winter is hard. I love the sunshine and the end of daylight savings kind of makes it hard for me to feel happy. There’s a lot that stresses me out during the winter.

[writtenramblings]

Today was good because I edited my SOP. And I started my application for two of my top schools. And I had some time to unwind AFTER the exam. So it’s not all bad

Hi tumblr

I hate that I keep coming back to you, especially when I write about non important stuff, idk

I came back today because I feel a little alone and like I can’t talk to my friends

I guess I feel a little isolated

Not in a bad way but

I had a bad day today and I just want to talk about it

[writtenramblings]

I spent all day studying for a test that I ended up not doing well on

And I KNOW that school or this class or this test doesn’t define me but it’s hard

I love this class, it’s about something that I’m really interested in and doing badly on an exam makes me feel like I’m failing myself

It’s not just that I’ll get a bad grade and have a B or a C on my transcript, it’s that this class is about something that I’m passionate about and I’m not doing great in it

That’s all, that’s the problem

Hi tumblr

I hate that I keep coming back to you, especially when I write about non important stuff, idk

I came back today because I feel a little alone and like I can’t talk to my friends

I guess I feel a little isolated

Not in a bad way but

I had a bad day today and I just want to talk about it

[writtenramblings]

This isn’t a cry for help, it’s just nice to write my feelings out and be able to come back to them later

Like an archive or a time capsule for tiny moments

Hi tumblr

I hate that I keep coming back to you, especially when I write about non important stuff, idk

I came back today because I feel a little alone and like I can’t talk to my friends

I guess I feel a little isolated

Not in a bad way but

I had a bad day today and I just want to talk about it

[writtenramblings]

Hi tumblr

I hate that I keep coming back to you, especially when I write about non important stuff, idk

I came back today because I feel a little alone and like I can’t talk to my friends

I guess I feel a little isolated

Not in a bad way but

I had a bad day today and I just want to talk about it

[writtenramblings]

confidants.

[writtenramblings]

[writtenramblings]

Today is the day

#pascalcampion

[writtenramblings]

Adonis, tr. by Samuel Hazo, from “The Funeral of New York”, The Pages of Day and Night

[writtenramblings]

i think that it is a true talent to be able to see the beauty in things. for example the arts. some people could read a poem and think nothing of it - simply see words. people that couldn’t look further and see the meaning, see the love the words contain, see that it is not just words, but emotions. and the same goes for painting. there’s so much more than just shapes and colours - beauty. there is beauty in everything around us and to see it truly is a blessing.

[writtenramblings]

[writtenramblings]

dead poets society fans be like “yeah I know a spot”

and then they take you to a cave when it’s freezing out and make you read gay poetry

[writtenramblings]

[writtenramblings]

when healing from a person.. you will have thoughts like “I loved them more than I loved anyone, I never knew I could love someone so much, I’ll never love someone that much again..”

It is important to realize that your ability to love that person didn’t come from them, it came from within you. You were always a lover, already someone who could love deeply. Just because they are gone doesn’t mean that goes away. They didn’t give you the capacity to love, they just gave you a place to express it. Don’t give someone else the credit for how hard you could love, that was you and it still is.

[writtenramblings]

LOOKING FOR: someone who will sit with me in a dimly lit room in comfortable silence.