xelloura-blog

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i’m in love with a boy who could never love me back. he’s one of the most beautiful souls i have ever had the opportunity to meet. honestly i could never approach him in that way, he deserves anyone but me and there are so many pretty girls i’m almost certain he would choose over me. his smile is perfect. he’s so good at conversation. his face is perfect. his weight is perfect. every aspect of him is perfect. beyond that, perfect doesn’t seem like the right word. it’s not strong enough.

as much as i would love to try and pursue him i know i’ll never be able to, and i doubt as approachable as he seems, would ever want to pursue me either. i get so excited around him i can’t help but beam when i’m around him. he brings out a person within me that i didn’t know existed. everything he does makes me smile.

god i sound like such a loser. but good god i’ve never felt this way about anyone before. never. i’ve never felt this excited to be around a person, so wanting to look perfect for him.

i literally sound like a stalker. i need to stop because that’s the last thing i want to be. i just wanted to vent because i don’t know how else to express this.

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tumblr is better than a therapy session

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Bruh I literally don’t even understand how my sister can get away talking shit to me INFRONT of my parents and when I even barley mutter something under my breath I’m getting screamed at wtaf??? The amount of rage I just held in just now omfg you don’t even understand I should be earning awards for this shit

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I can’t stop fantisising about this boy everytime I think of something it’s him - when my mind is elsewhere it’s always on him I fantisie being in a mushy lovey relationship with him and god it feels good. I probably sound like a creep - I am really - but lord I’ve never felt this way about someone before. I’m scared in overworking it m head so that when I speak to him next it’s only going to let me down - the week goes slow because it all revolves around him - he makes time stop when he’s gone but when he’s around me I barley get a chance to breathe before he’s apart from me again - I don’t know what to do - how to talk to him - all I know is that I want him to be a part of my life and me to be a part of his

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im the big sad :(

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my heart hurts, like genuine aches. you know that feeling when something bad happens suddenly and your heart just sinks to depths of hell, it feels like that sometimes for no reason. my mum doesn’t understand, she brings everything back to me being rude and ungrateful. I fucking hate school, more than humanly possible, it makes my heart hurt to think that I still have two years left in that place. that god damnned fucking place, and she expects me to find a fucking positive among the fake, dumbass people who go there. I've just come back from a holiday, come back to the reality of the shitty education I am forced to comply to and she yells at me. this amount of stress is unfair, inhumane, and she just doesn't understand, because I have an education and im an ungrateful bitch. if we learnt shit we would actually need in life, instead of that bull shit fluff we are forced to sit through in the middle we would be finished by now, and quite frankly if I wasn’t made to run laps of a fucking basketball court for an hour I might actually get some fucking study done and get better grades like they want me to. school is just a big fucking contradiction.

 I got ridiculed by a fucking teacher in front of a class of thirty the other day for Christ's sake why the hell would you expect me to want to go back to that shit hole. additionally, I feel stupid and ugly, and unwanted, and ungrateful, and untalented, and the list just seems to go on and on. sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and forget everything or leave and go somewhere far away, like mars and be alone without people judging me or making fun of me or claiming me to be ungrateful. everything is turned back on me, how my life at home amongst my family is shit - because ‘I fucking hate having a privileged life’ well I don't fucking know what it feels like in someone else's shoes, its difficult to even comprehend what they might be going through, and that's why I clearly don't understand, getting that through someones thick skull is just too difficult

I need a break, I want to leave for a while, not go to school, not see anyone, not to talk or think or cry I just want to exist and understand that maybe I haven't got it so bad, because I know I don’t, I really don’t, im just a big fat pessimist and I need to understand that I stress myself out far too much than I need to 

whatever, as if that would ever happen anyway

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day 8/100

im physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, school sucks literal thanos dick and im drowning in homework, study, social life, after school shit, trying to keep a stable mindset etc. I literally fucking hate school so much it makes me want to jump on some legos. work starts soon which im excited for since i want moneeyyyy but yeh sad boi update - im sad,

ok bye

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7/100

again ive missed a couple of days hehe

my life has been pretty chill and... I GOT THE JOB! 

Im literally ecstatic, there are so many things i have wanted to buy so now I finally have to opportunity to do so! here is a list:

cosplay for this years anime/gaming convention i wanted to go to with my friends

an iPad pro - I know its a stretch but im sure it will be super useful for when it comes to digital art, also will save me getting something like a pc which will end up being so much more expensive, not portable and all around clunky, just soi can write do some digital art that kind of stuff and use the storage on my mac for school work like its supposed to be used for

watercolours and blending stumps which i have been meaning to buy for a long time now

some new kpop albums which i wanted to buy

boba

also, i wanted to buy my friend who told me about the job some jewellery or something as a thank you, also pay $50 to my sister for constantly trying to help me find a job

my wishlist on aliexpress, it's mostly makeup but I've got a couple of accessories and art supplies i want from there as well

so yeah some more things will probably pop into my head that i want to buy but whatever im so happy! i also really want to expand my style so i might buy some nice clothes or something to match a new fashion i hope to pursue hehe but other than that everything has been fine, just trying to keep up with school and trying to imagine how i will go once i get a job and have a higher demand phew, ok!

farewell, for now, ~ (that was a bit posh ok...)

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6/100

wow, I've missed a couple of days haha!

Well first of all i would like to announce that I was offered an interview at a local grocery store near my house that is just reopening, my only concern is that it may shut down again but im crossing my fingers ill have this job for a long time, thanks to my best friend for helping me get it! I think i might buy her something once i save up a little as a thank you for helping me get the job, i literally couldn't have done it without her lol. this sounds like some kind of thank you speech “and i would like to thank my mother.” Nah, but life has been pretty good my friend has been stirring up all sorts of hypocrisy lately and its super annoying to not to mention she has been spoiling major plot points of one of my favourite animes to this day whilst im only a season and a couple of episodes in, i wish i had the heart to stand up for myself and ask her to stop but whenever i get into a situation like that i go silent and passive and i don't know what to do. she also claims that a girl in my art class is tracing when she said on the first day we began her assignments that she wishes she could trace because she can’t draw realistic, she complains about not having money but when kindly offered a job by a friend she full on rejects it because “I would never work at a fast food restaurant, that's so disgusting.” if she's going to be so demanding she may as well start her own business and make money that way. she is so problematic to the point where i have so many issues with her i can't even remember what i have and haven't talked about now. its frustrating but what can i do? she doesn’t have a lot of friends and im not just going to drop her, that would be cruel, i would personally hate to be put in such a situation and i don't think it would be fair to treat others how i wouldn't like to be treated. 

well that it hopefully i can update after my job interview wish me luck

for now farewell!

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i really want a cute boyfriend to just hug 25/8 is that too much to ask

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5/100

i forgot to post yesterday i was too tired, ate a biscuit today for the first time in a while and it was amazing kinda forgot what sweet things taste like haha, i had a good time in art today and we went snorkelling with my outdoor ed class which was awesome i saw so many cool fish and reef. i ate a piece of bread today as well which was of course amazing. just had a fight with my sister because she is constantly trying to be an annoying bitch, she's aware of it so she keeps doing it and it's irritable so of course, im going to ask her to stop but my parents see it from a different view so i suppose they don't understand. still, i hate when they don't even try to empathise. had kind of a bad morning i don't know why i just felt really low but i suppose seeing my friends made it better. the other two boys have continued to distance and im scared im going to lose them, it's so upsetting having so many memories slip out of your fingers. i had a fight with ADEN im going to say his name he doesn't deserve privacy at all, and i hate him even more but his comebacks were terrible and i roasted him so hard in the end that he didn't have a response he's so retarded and i hate him more than anything in the world. guess i should probably sleep but im not going to, regardless its not like I'll get any better of a sleep, I'll just write or something i think haha, alright goodnight ily <3

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day 4/100

tired again so going to keep it short. had a pretty average day i was happy with my drawing in specialist art so that was cool had a super funny convo with pink and other than that it was boring and average. my parents went to the cinemas this evening to use a gift card that was going to expire so I had to babysit my siblings. but they're easy so it was all good. i was in a really deep sleep this morning and was really confused when i woke up again probably should start going to bed sooner. i think two of my close friends have begun to drift away from me, one of them got a girlfriend and now they have seemed to distance themselves to be around those girls, its sad to watch something like this unravel before my eyes so i hope our friendship is renewed soon. skins looking ok and exercising is tiring but i think its paying off, dieting is making me sad though I've had some real lows lately and just thinking about it is making me a little teary, i don't know i think i might be overworking myself but im so focused on my end goal that i loose sight of how my mental health is holding up. its sad to say that food has an impact on my life and that i have to accept this is the way my life is going to be from now on. alright best go to sleep as i had said! goodnight! <3

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day 3/100

again gonna keep it short and this time I WILL hehe. Swim carnival today came 4th out 0f 8 in freestyle and 7th out of 8 in backstroke. Not a lot of girls did it in my year group so i was versing the girls who do it as an extracurricular etc. but the carnival wasn't as bad as i thought it would be and i actually had a lot of fun with my friends. i had an amazing time chatting with my friend after school today had so many laughs lets call her pink from now on, is one of my best friends in the world i love her so much we can be so tmi with each other and we are cool with it and our conversations are so funny and genuine im so happy she is one of my best friends. it took me a little while to wake up this morning i think i was a bit confused when i woke up due to my alarm considering the fact that i was in such a deep sleep and i was woken all of a sudden, it was very strange haha. gotta go to school early tomorrow because dad is dropping us off. but that's ok because i get up much earlier than that anyway so i will have time! better get to sleep then if thats the case! goodnight and farewell for another day <3

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day 2/100

i had a pretty good day today, i drew a picture digitally - the one i said i would, im not incredibly happy with it but im content, finished my edit and im just content with that as well, i went out with my family for dinner and it was really nice, my family doesn't go out to eat often because we are a pretty big family and prices can be large but it was really nice to go out and spend time with them. nothing really else to say, actually i finished reading he 26-page introduction of Macbeth this morning the moment i woke up and it was painfully boring but whatever i probably should get some sleep because i have a swimming carnival in the morning! goodnight <3

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day 1/100

I'm pretty tired now so I think I might keep this short, i had a good day today i went to the beach with my family the water was crystal clear and the sky was so blue it was beautiful, I don't normally like going down to the beach but today was amazing, i tried to draw a picture i did a while back digitally, it had its ups and downs and in the end i scrapped it but i think i might finish it tomorrow. we went to drop my cousin off at the airport this evening which was sad because i hate to see a family member go back to England even though i know they'll be back im sure the house will feel empty now, its still super hot and its getting me quite agitated mostly because i have homework to do for Tuesday and i can't be arsed just stupid stuff ill never need but that's the majority of school anyway tho lol, also my stupid dean told me to peel off my shellac so now my nails are kind of damaged well at least I'm not old and grumpy like her lol. it is in fact true that i scream in my sleep confirmed by one of my best friends she said that i did it whilst on camp last year got a swimming carnival on Monday that I'm DREADING just fucking hate swimming ill just use the im on my period and i dont know how to use a tampon excuse its pretty awkward so it will work hehe, ok super tired going to sleep now gn! <3

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sometimes I feel like i scream in my sleep, i don't really know what makes me feel i just think i do lol its kinda unnerving so i asked my siblings about it as they sleep on the same floor as me and they've mentioned that i never have or have never heard me neither have my parents.. maybe i silent scream..? (also this isn’t my 100 day thing i just wanted to post that lol its only like 8:40 in the morning

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i think i might start a daily journal thing for 100 days just to keep my mind flowing and open so ill start tomorrow