xeruthana

[xeruthana]

[xeruthana]

This came to me in a dream

Embrace awawa

[xeruthana]

putting on my frilly dress and practicing my empty stare like i just have to be the most fashionable doll in the toy store

[xeruthana]

robotgirl referring to her deadname as abandonware

[xeruthana]

this button gets harder and harder to click every day

[xeruthana]

When trans women are mocked and made into jokes in the media, I get very upset, and I am often told “Kay, you can’t go through life getting offended every time someone makes a joke.” And I sputter and object but they don’t hear me. So I want to be clear for once, about why the jokes make me angry.

I learned to hate myself for being transgender before I knew I was transgender. I laughed at the jokes in stand up comedy routines, and prime time sitcoms, and animated comedy shows, and in the movies, and in books, and in games, laughing at trans women for existing, about “men in dresses”, about people who “got their dicks chopped off”, and I learned to think that was worthy of ridicule.

And then a day came when I felt a pang of envy at what my female classmates were wearing and I repressed it, and felt guilty, and a day where I felt incomplete because I had no breasts and I repressed it and I felt disgusting And a day when I realized the only images of romance that made me feel anything showed two women together and I repressed it and I felt like a monster And a day when I realized I felt sick when I looked at myself in the mirror after every shower before work and couldn’t bear to look at my own face, and I hated myself. And then there came a day when I hated myself so much, and I thought I could never understand why, and so I just wanted it all to end. And it was just a miracle that I swerved my car back into my lane in time.

And all of it started with a joke that I heard on TV, and then kept hearing from all the voices from the ether, over and over and over, worming an idea into my mind before I was old enough to realize I was absorbing it, the idea that a man in a dress is funny, and that changing your body parts makes you a freak, and that women who have penises instead of vaginas are liars and hurt men. And they’re still making these jokes. And somewhere out there right now, just like all those years ago, there is a little girl in a t-shirt and cargo shorts with buzzed off hair watching the TV, hearing that joke and absorbing it without knowing it, who will someday have to pry herself apart to tear it out of her head, just like I did.

That is, if she doesn’t kill herself first.

[xeruthana]

everyone always surprised when you can learn bits of information about them from the characters they make... dearly beloved. you took a lump of clay with no form and shaped it with your hands and thought you wouldn't leave fingerprints? what hubris! you leave scraps of yourself in everything you make. sometimes it's a lot more than scraps but just for you i'll pretend i didn't notice

[xeruthana]

bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

[xeruthana]

"my son turned out fine" your daughter fantasizes about women taking control of it and replacing its desires with their own

[xeruthana]

reblog to remind prev they're not a bother and their presence is wanted <3

[xeruthana]

Please imagine: doll thats not built of clockwork, brass and porcelain and magic, doll thats not built like a robot, motors and bearings and plating, but a doll built like a 1960s tape recorder. Pale yellow chromate coated sheet metal and brass bearings on rubber rollers, driven by belts and linkage-levers and cams, warm glow of vacuum tubes and a chunky squarish AC motor, fan on the back whirring away at the centre, all encased in handcrafted walnut-finish wood panelling and bright brushed aluminium.

[xeruthana]

I love you nonhuman it/its

I love you inanimate it/its

I love you raising questions about what counts as "alive" or a "person"

I love you taking comfort in the separation from humankind

I love you rejecting the most fundamental assumptions about your existence

[xeruthana]

It's hard to heal

in a damaged world

where butterflies

and yellow jackets

pour from the same kiss.

Robert J. W.

[xeruthana]

a working doll, a doll in service, a doll Divinely blessed to help those around it

this is my mantra before i clock in for my shift at walmart

[xeruthana]

AITA for giving my housemate gender dysphoria?

I (32F) recently got a gig as a live in housekeeper for a haunted mansion. I'm like 85% sure the job posting was a scam to try and feed me to the house in order to stave off its eternal hunger for another decade or so. But it pays alright and I don't have to pay rent as long as I'm living here.

One of the ghosts (~250M(?)) possessed my body a few nights ago, but instead of, I don't know, making me climb onto a blaustrade or something, he got real quiet. I don't think he ever possessed a trans woman before and he just kinda spent the whole night staring at my hrt pill bottles.

Since then, he's still been wandering the halls at the stroke of midnight, shattering all the mirrors that mysteriously regenerate by morning, but it seems like his heart hasn't been in it.

(Are the mirrors symbolic of something???)

He (she?) is definitely going through some shit. I don't *think* I did anything wrong, considering he was the one who possessed me, but I still feel really bad about it.

[xeruthana]

It's not actually the doll aesthetic that makes it want to do the doll aesthetic. It's a doll because it's a burnt-out bundle of trauma responses that became a sapient individual even though it wasn't really supposed to work like that, do you understand? The ball joints and related visual elements are just to serve as an indicator and symbol of the thing they're a metaphor for. It's basic character design. Also they're pretty.

[xeruthana]

I like stories where a normal human child is being raised by a sinister supernatural being who is totally malevolent except when it comes to their kid. Those are so much better than the “kids are scary” changeling type horror movies.