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On to good notes

Life really is amazing. Other than my own mental break down at the moment. I have an amazing life. I have an amazing and beautiful wife. With great company from my best friends. I really am blessed in this life. I have soo many things to look forward to in life. And this is a disclosure, this is not be bragging but me trying to thank my past self for the decisions that led me up to this point.

Something that makes me emotional is the past that I’ve gone through and all the hardships that I’ve over come. From going through the hardest heart break of my life, to basically being homeless after my parents and I got into a fight, to the most life changing breakup, to the sleepless nights due to school and work , my business ventures and most recently my mental break down. I’m grateful for the hardships because without it, I wouldn’t be here and blessed with all the things that are within my grasp.

I’ll start with my work, materialistic things, my friends, my family, my dogs and most importantly my wife I’m that order. And as a bonus, things I’m excited for in the next handful of months/years.

I’m grateful for my line of work. It feeds me, pays for the bills, pays for my investments, and keeps my humble. I’m currently a pharmacy tech and I’m grateful for this line of work because of how easy it is. I’ve been bless with the people I have met in life to get to this job. And this is not be trying to brag but to this point at 25 years old I’m making well over 80k a year individually. This isn’t something to brag about because I want more but this is an accomplishment on its own. My past self would be so happy at my accomplishments because this is what I struggled for. This was a bucket list that’s been checked off. There is no drama at work, there is just enjoyment and new memories I get to create with friends and the little family I grew.

Now materialistic might not be peoples cup of tea but it helps me motivate myself in certain points in life. I might not have a house yet, but I know it’s coming SOON. My wife and I have saved up 30k in just a little over 5 months. I have 3 cars to my name. I have a 2013 scion FRS, a 2020 Lexus IS300 f sport, and a 2021 subaru STI limited. And this might not be significant but as a kid, this is all I dreamed about. I wouldn’t be a dreamer without these toys. And these cars are expensive on its own other than the FRS but still having all three is a dream come true. I have things that I only wished for during my lowest times in life.

Now onto more important things. My friends. I’m very blessed to have a very good HANDFUL friends for life. It’s hard to explain everyone and I’d rather not list everyone but you know who you are. I have ALOT to be grateful for them because they keep me sane. They let me enjoy life, have fun and experience things that I didn’t even know was a thing. They are my family when my family was absent. They might irritate me sometimes and make me mad but what family doesn’t have this. I’m grateful for them individually because each person has helped me get through hardships at different points in life. Even if the friends that I believed were my best friends at the time. I’m grateful for you. Your love and i hope the best for you guys. But to the friends that are still here I can’t thank you enough. And words can’t express the love and gratitude I have for you guys.

Family might be a short one but I’m still appreciative of my parents for what they had to sacrifice for me. I’m sad that they don’t get to see my grow up, but I always keep them in my prayers. One day, they’ll understand my decisions and I know they are forced to accept them at the moment. And not just grateful for my parents but my aunt and uncle! And my cousins. I love them to death!

But not only them but my extended family. I wouldn’t be standing if I was not taken in but all of my extended family. The people I call my second parents! And I have ALOT! I can’t explain how lucky I am to meet them and for them to have adopted me and cared for me! Thank you.

Now this is sooooo farfetched but I’m soo grateful and happy that I have my dogs. They are loving, annoying, and the most loyal beings I can ask for. They show me so much excitement and joy ever day. Every time I walk through the garage and the joy of seeing all of them makes my heart full. My babies chippy, coco, and caramel! I’m soo grateful for all your quirks, personalities and undeniable love.

Now to my number one support, my pillar and the woman of my dreams. I can’t thank you enough. I know I’m a handful, I’m emotional, a baby, crazy, impatient, annoying, and soo much more words that I can relate to myself. But I’m so thankful to god that out of everyone in the world, you were the one that I get to experience and go through life with. You are loving, supportive, understanding, and so much more than I could have ever asked for. There is no other woman for me, there is no other life I would pick, and no other person I would ever want to come home to. You are my joy. Someone that is beautiful, inside and out. I’m grateful that you support me and believe in the path that I know will lead us to a fruitful life. I can’t wait for you to have our kids, to be the mother that teaches them and to see the love you have for our family. I don’t deserve you, but I will try my best to keep you happy, keep you smiling and love you till my last breathe. I’m going to make sure that you don’t regret marrying me and be the husband that you deserve and the one that you dreamt of when you were young. I can’t wait for what the future holds for us, and the story that I will be able to tell our grandkids. I’m here for you always. And I can’t wait for what the future has in store for us.

Speaking of the future. In the next handful of months, we will be able to purchase a house! Im so excited for this because this starts our investments and future ventures. Im excited for the cars mostly. The next car that I know we will get is that Supra and the Tesla. And after that maybe a couple years down the line I’ll be able to import some JDM cars. I can’t think too far ahead but I will for sure make it happen. Now not to be cliche or take something that’s not mine but in the words of Tj hunt “peace out, and keep moving forward”!

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I don’t know if it’s because of the circumstances that have been given to me or if it’s just me. But I don’t know how to explain my feelings anymore. All I can do is keep it to myself. If I try to explain it, my thoughts just jumble up and all that comes out is anger. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I might be jumping to conclusion or maybe im just self diagnosing myself but I might be depressed. Im unhappy about my life, I feel like im not moving and im stagnant. Im unhappy about my self, my physique, my diet, my routines, and the relationships that I have.

I’ll start backwards and maybe I can try to understand myself and even explain it to someone if I can.

The friends I have are great, and I would not trade them for the world. But that’s just it. I feel like my friends are actually hindering me. I feel like we make plans to travel or have fun but after all is said and done I’m stuck in a rut. I spend the money that I work for to have fun with them. And I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with that but I maybe want to move myself forward and use that money for investments or just to move myself ahead. My marriage, is amazing as is as well but I don’t think my wife and I have the same mindset. I feel like all she wants is to have fun and self gratify with materialistic stuff. And same thing. And now i feel like it makes me look bad because all that it seems like is that I just want money. But I just want to succeed in life so bad that it hurts. I just want to move up but I just feel like I have soo many baggage’s holding me back.

Now before I move on I just want to say that it might not seem like I’m grateful for my friends and the people I surround myself with but I am. Everything in my life, everyone that surrounds me, I have MAD love for. It might be hard to believe from the last things I said but that’s just the hard part. Listening to podcast, YouTube videos and reading, all anyone successful says is that they love from afar. And that the climb to the top is hard and lonely. It sucks because I want to be able to climb with everyone but it’s just so hard. It’s hard to disciple myself.

That brings me to the next part. Discipline. My routines in life is just so boring. I know that’s what is the biggest part of success is planning and having a set routine. But I want to live my life to the fullest and enjoy and have fun. Travel the world, experience new things and go on adventures. It’s so hard to discipline myself to stop thinking that way. I need to rewire my mind to delay gratification. This is just a temporary stop, to get the things I want to achieve. I need a job to fuel my future. I need the money to invest into the things that will make me rich in the long run. I’m going to be a millionaire and I will make it happen for me. But I need the discipline because I just can’t get rich without hard work. I need a routine to change my mind, to keep me motivated and to keep me moving forward.

Now the next part is easy to explain and the diet and physique go hand in hand. I’m a big believer in whatever I in jest, be it, food or words. I’m going to suffer or gain the consequences. Soo if I take in bad food obviously I’m going to be feeling terrible about it. So I know I need to do better with my diet but food is just to good. Discipline. Again with this word because this is the only way I’m going to be able to diet and work on my physique. I need a daily routine that’s going to help me do better. Mind and body. My physique will get to where I want it to be with my diet and discipline to go to the gym.

Now the hardest topic. Myself. I don’t really know how to explain this because this is so vague and so everywhere. This might be the longest part of this whole explanation. Again, and I can’t stress this enough. I’m VERY grateful at all the cards that I have been dealt and everything that has gotten me to this place in life. And I’m not whatsoever complaining about my life. More so, just disappointed and impatient.

I’m such and impatient person. I just want everything NOW. I want the success that my future self has. And I know it might seem like preconceived notions that I’m saying but I believe in myself so much that I know that the success I want now, I have in the future. I just need to work diligently to get to the point and follow the footsteps that I imprinted on the sand. I need to stop and reevaluate my life because I know that I need to enjoy the journey. I’m disappointed in my finances because I know I could do better. I’m disappointed in my place in life. ( I will probably have another post about how proud of myself I am *might seem conceded, but it’s not like that* )

I don’t care at all about status or my title in my job but the disappointment comes from the success that I don’t have yet. I’m not comparing myself or my journey with anyone else but myself. I’m my biggest motivator but also my biggest rival. I feel like I don’t understand that or anyone understands that for the matter. I’m 25 years olds turning 26 in the next couple of months and when I was younger i felt I would be more stable and actually know the path I’m going. But I’m lost. I don’t know what I’m doing at all and honestly it’s a little scary. It’s stressful and I just don’t know. All I know is that I have faith in my self and I can lead myself to the destination that’s meant for me. I’m disappointed in my intrusive thoughts. The best way to explain that is when I doubt myself. Maybe I just feel like this during curtain points in my life but at the moment that’s the feeling. I feel like everyone is going through this and it’s not just me. I like the control of where my life is headed but sometimes I also feel like I’m not controlling it at all. That’s the bad part of life, but the also the most amazing thing about life. It’s sooo unexpected and anything can happen at any given time. Now after reaching to this point I honestly feel a lot better. Maybe this is all I needed just to rant about myself and my insecurities.

I don’t think I’m depressed or unhappy. From just speaking to myself I think I’m just anxious. Im anxious about the future and what it holds. But I’m going to just take it one day at a time. Im going to plan my days, plan my weeks and months to propel my self forward from this rut. Im going to start doing things to help me move forward and be “happy”.

I’m committed to myself. I’m going to grow to be the best person I can be in all faucets of life. Financially, spirituality, emotionally and most important mentally. I’m going to invest in myself. I won’t mentally hurt myself, or let anyone hurt my bubble. Im going to start my journey of self growth, self care and something I forgot, Self love. Today is august 28th and this starts my journey.

If you read this one day, just know you got through it. Im excited to hear the journey and the story you wrote for yourself.

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To Francecis

It’s been a while since I last post something and to be completely honest I feel lost. I know you are going through something right now and it might be hard but it’s okay. You’ll get through it. It can’t be all fun and games all the time. Sometimes you’ll experience the bad times, and that’s just fine. Be honest and true to yourself and find happiness in everything. The journey that you’re going through is only to make you stronger. No matter the opposition, I will be in your corner. No matter the decision you make I will back you up. Even if everyone judges you, I won’t. Stay true to who you became. Stay humble. Stay hungry. You will make it to your destination and I will be standing at the top. I’m your true fan, and I’ll be watching every step you take.

Read this if you’re ever feeling down.

From your past and your future self.

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Fiancé

September 18, 2019

Soo it’s been a while since I’ve posted but I wanted to updated everyone who’s following our journey.

I found out that Kate is the one, I knew it from the start but I’ve finally made my decision! She’s the one I want to spend the rest of eternity with. So I’m pretty sure you’d like to hear the story of how it happened?

Well it was late night and in all honesty I didn’t know I was going to proposed but I made a decision to do it anyways. One, if it was a surprise to me, it’s definitely going to be a surprise for her! Anyways.... we were driving and I was telling her I was craving “boba” to mislead her thoughts on the place we were destined to go to. I kept making wrong turns and just kept driving down roads that were completely off from where the “boba” place we were heading to. Finally, we see a landmark that was familiar and we both started laughing. She was laughing because we were completely on the other side of Vegas and she was just making fun of me.

Side note, the ring box was wedged between my pants and underwear so it was really hard to keep it there and hide it as well. And that really hurt!

But I knew when she saw the landmark, she would know where we were actually heading too. We finally made it to our destination, the place were Kate and I had our first date. Mind you, it was 11 pm at night so we figured the place was closed but it wasn’t. So we headed in this Zen garden/gazebo area/pool area for the resort and we went to the place were we talked for hours until we had to leave the first time, about two years ago from that date. We had a deep talk about friends, family, morales, values, dreams, aspirations, goals and just everything that was happened or chance in the past two years since we started talking. We’ve made goals to achieve before we head back to the exact same place and just reminese and be grateful for the journey we have gone through.

She was harassing to me get going because she needed to poop, so I knew we had to get going! Hahaaha

So we were finally started to head out and we just stood up to over look the garden and the pond that was there and I said we should get going. I was holding her hand and before she walked away, my arm tugged her hand and she turned around. I was on my knee and I asked her “will you spend the rest of eternity with me?”

Man, I saw her teary eyed and smiling and I just busted with joy hearing “yes, of course!”

It’s a great feeling hearing that, even though I already knew her answer. I can’t wait for you guys to experience the same thing that I’ve gone through and experience the joy of knowing you’re going to spend the rest of your life with your best friend! I can’t wait to see what the future is in store for the two of us because I know it’s going to be amazing! We definitely have a bright future ahead of us!

This is my princess and my best friend! I really can’t wait to see what’s in store but of course the story continues on a different chapter of life, just be ready to turn the page! Another adventure begins!

For Francecis and Kateleen Abuan

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- Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

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“This is why we call people exes, I guess - because the paths that cross in the middle end up separating at the end. It’s too easy to see an X as a cross-out. it’s not, because there’s no way to cross out something like that. The X is a diagram of two paths.”

— David Levithan and John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson 

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Depressed Zodiac Signs

Capricorn: Capricorn will isolate themselves and get super defensive. They might even be in denial that anything is wrong until they hit rock bottom. Capricorn is prone to depression.

Aquarius: Aquarius will be very short with everyone and they will randomly snap at loved ones for no apparent reason.

Pisces: Pisces will sometimes go into a complete delusional state. Anyone who disagrees with them just “doesn’t understand.”

Aries: Aries will get aggressive and will snap pretty much unprovoked. Aries will want to be around people, but people wont want to be around them. Taurus: Taurus will project their depression into others and try to take care of them.

Gemini: Gemini will just try to stay busy until it passes.

Cancer: Cancer never underestimates the importance of comfort food, a good cry, and the support of friends and family.

Leo: Leo will have a pity party. Maybe literally. They’ll just throw a big party to cheer themselves up.

Virgo: Virgo will convince themselves that their feelings are irrational and try not to think about it too much.

Libra: Libra will try to be around people as much as they can and get out their house. A change of scenery or a beautiful experience is usually the solution for Libras.

Scorpio: Scorpio will purposely immerse themselves in their negativity until it destroys them, so that they can learn from the experience and return stronger.

Sagittarius: Sag will never tell you they are upset. They will find little ways to cheer up, and they wont dwell on sadness for long.

More fun Zodiac Facts Here

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EDC

Memories are nothing to compare. Photos, videos and company. That’s all it takes to have a good time. Let me tell you about this adventure that Kate and I had, under the electric sky.

If you don’t know what EDC is, it is a big Rave. Carnival style with rides and different types of EDM music in every direction. Food vendors that over price their food and give me small portionings. Fireworks wishing every stage. Electric lights and effects that blind and amazed the eye. It so hard to explain looking down and gazing over the entire venue. It was breathe taking. 3 nights of pure love and music.

Now it took months and days to prep for this. For outfits, to plan which stage you’re going to at what time. So much effort but definitely worth everything penny and every second it took to get there. At the end I’ll show you how gorgeous my queen looked!

Everyday was an experience, and every day i fell harder and harder for her. I know, weird! How does one fall harder for someone they already fell for? I’m not sure myself but it happened. Every laugh I heard, every smile that I saw and just the gleam in her eyes! Perfection. Dancing with her, until we broke down from exhaustion was definitely what I was going for!

After, I got to spend my whole day sleeping away with her. What more can I ask for. Then repeat.

We spent around 100$ the first day because we were pretty careless but we got better as the next two days approached. Ate good filling meals the next two days to avoid spending money at EDC and all in all it was a great time! I highly recommend going. And just for an FYI, I said that this was going to be my first and last EDC but I’m going back next year too! By the way, we went sober. We didn’t roll, drop acid, smoke weed or was tipsy. We were completely sober. Greatest weekend that I have had so far. And it’s all thanks to you Kateleen!

More adventures to come. Cali in a few hours! I’ll update y’all on that!!!

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It was an unforgettable adventure with this one. EDC was one hell of a ride! And we decided to go back next year! I love you Kateleen Boyd ❤️

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How I’m feeling

Honestly, I think I’m going out to find things or pe ole that make me happy. I’m w kinda sad. It’s probably due to the fact that you don’t know how to make me happy when I’m sad or annoyed or anything. It’s one thing to keep me happy but it’s another to get me happy after my mood shifts. I’m sorry to say it. But I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been feeling like this for quite some time but I don’t talk to you about it because it’s not like you can help. I’m here doing this on my own.

Rhe is the only person that knows me. It’s not because of how long we have known eachother but it’s because of how we are as people. Rhe, even from the start, knows how to make me happy, to laugh to feel somehow better after anything that goes through my head or my life. I’m not trying to compare at all but I just wanted to say it. In no offense at all obviously.

Honestly, I think this is why I’ve been so irritable recently. It’s probably because one, I don’t know who to talk to about my problems and two you just don’t know how to comfort me or make me laugh or do whatever it takes to break my mood shift.

You just yell at me, cry and then it becomes about you and your problems. My problems don’t matter at all. Or your attitude just gets too much. And I know you’re not going to change at all. It’s something you’re probably going to have for the rest of your life. What am I suppose to do now? Because it’s not going to fix itself.

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It’s me.

Lately I’ve been feeling so under appreciated for everything I do. From work, to my girlfriend, my friends and just everyone honestly. I give out too much, and get little in return. Honestly, that’s just the person I am I guess but it sucks.. it hurts and I don’t know what to say about it. Everyone is selfish, and I should learn to do the same for everyone. I’ve honestly need the time for myself and need to be alone if that makes any sense. I don’t need anyone around me. I’ve been so suffocated. I just need an adventure for myself.

I feel like it’s a one way street. It’s just not fair lol

So I’ve decided as of today to focus solely on myself and spend money on myself and not anyone else. People don’t serve me.

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