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Rachel

I’m sorry. I know you, and I can see your face in my head reading this and I wish I could hug you and tell you everything is gonna be okay, and I’m sorry that I caused this for you. I want you to understand, without doubt, that I forgive you for all the shit that went down between us, and I know that you forgive me too. Just needed to get that out of the way. I’m sorry for the way I treated you, but reconnecting with you and building up our friendship again as adults has been one of the biggest highlights of my life.

When I was a kid, you and your family were my home outside of home, I felt like part of your family and I felt unconditionally loved and welcomed all the time. You have no idea how much of an impact that had on me and the person I was. Thank you for that, and thank you to your family for giving me that. I love you all so much, I am so lucky that I had you in my life for so long. I have seen all of your darkest pieces, heard all the fears and secrets you kept cramped inside yourself, and I can still say with absolute certainty that you are the epitome of a good person. I admire your strength, even when you’re at your weakest, the resilience you carry inside yourself even when things feel hopeless. I envy it. Your empathy and the depth of it astounds me, and I am so lucky to have felt that empathy and been cloaked in it for so long. 

I don’t really know what to say except that I love you. My brain can’t think of the words, but I know you know that. It isn’t your fault, it isn’t anyone’s. Things just suck and I decided to handle that in a selfish way and I am truly sorry for that. Thank you for always being there.

I love you so much, 

Liane.

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Caroline

I am so sorry. I don’t really know how else to start this, I’m just so sorry. I can’t believe I’m putting you through this, it’s a horrible thing to do to someone who only ever deserves happiness. I don’t deserve you, a part of me wishes we never met so you wouldn’t have to feel the way I imagine you do. The way I imagine I’d feel if the roles were reversed. 

It isn’t your fault, there is nothing you could have done. You gave me everything, you were always there and you couldn’t have done more. Nobody could have, except maybe me and I just couldn’t face it. Maybe that makes me cowardly and weak, but I just couldn’t hack it. You came into my life right when I needed you the most, and you were the best friend I could have ever dreamed of. Through all of the bad stuff, you were there and you carried me when I felt I couldn’t walk. You loved me when I couldn’t love myself, and you loved me unconditionally. 

I love you so so so so much, you are my platonic soulmate and I wouldn’t trade our friendship for anything in the whole world. You made me so happy, filled my life with such happiness and memories that I will carry with me wherever I end up. I’m sorry this is a bit shite, my brain feels a bit mush and all my thoughts are jumbled and I can’t put into words how much you mean to me, but I know you know. One thing I don’t regret is being open about how much I love you and everyone in my life. 

Please look after yourself, please live an incredible and fulfilling life. Look after Dylan for me, and tell him I said look after you too because I forgot to say that in his. Same with Rachel and stuff. Just mind each other, because I can’t mind ye anymore and that makes me so fucking sad. I know that’s dumb because I’m making a decision, and I’m sorry is all I can say. None of you owe me anything, I shouldn’t ask for anything but I guess I just feel like I have to. 

I am so proud of the person you’ve become. Keep being you, because you’re the best person I know. 

I love you so much, 

Liane.

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Dylan

I don’t really know what to say or how to say it. I know nothing I say will sum up the depth of how I feel about you or how truly sorry I am. I know that what I’ve done is fucking awful, and I don’t expect you to understand or to forgive me, and I know that I owe you some sort of closure. I know that sounds dumb, because I owed you a lot more than that, and I know nothing I can say will make it better but if the roles were reversed, I’d want to have something from you. 

I guess the most important part is that I am genuinely sorry. More than I can put into words. You trusted me to not hurt you and I let you down. What I’ve done is really selfish, I know that. It’s okay if you’re angry at me, I would be too. I don’t want you to think that it has any reflection on how much I love you or how happy you always make me, and I know you understand that because you went through the same thing. I just felt like I ran out of options, I couldn’t make the bad stuff go away and I just needed it to stop. 

I love you more than I thought it possible to love another person, you came into my life and you changed it for the better. You made me genuinely happy and managed to somehow push that bad stuff away for a while, and it’s not your fault that it came back, nothing could have stopped that from happening except for me and I wasn’t strong enough. You made me feel so loved, so safe and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you were part of my life and made me feel like I was worth something.

I know you’ll find a way to blame yourself, and I hope you know that I never blamed you. It wasn’t your job to put me back together, and nobody is capable of that. Please try to be kind to yourself, talk to someone and get support. Please don’t do anything stupid, I just want you to be happy and safe and live such an amazing life.

You’re gonna find a girl that makes you happier than I ever could, someone who will love you the way you deserved to be loved, and who won’t be a weight you have to carry. You are going to feel things for her that you didn’t think you could feel for anyone. You are my soulmate, but I’m not yours. She’s still waiting for you, maybe in Canada or maybe here. Maybe it’s someone you already know. And she’ll give you a family someday, and you won’t have to give up anything for her. I’m sorry that I wasn’t that girl, I really wanted to be. I would have done anything to be. 

I will always love you, I will always be here. I don’t believe that even death could stop that, it’s too big. I don’t want to say goodbye, because I really, really hope it’s not. Maybe that’s stupid, but I have to believe that I’ll see you again someday. Live an incredible life, live for me too. You are the single greatest thing to ever happen to me, without you I don’t know if I would have ever felt love the way it was meant to be felt, and it was the best feeling. 

I love you so much, 

Liane x

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This kinda sucks but I like it anyway

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Someone Please Murder Me

I had a dream last night that I swallowed the secret bottle of pills I’ve collected and stored next to my bed. As soon as they entered my mouth I tried to spit them out but I couldn’t, and I immediately started to feel myself dying. I wasn’t really scared, I didn’t really feel anything at all. I think about swallowing those pills all the time, and the wall separating me from actually doing it is getting thinner and I feel like one day it could become so thin that it’s just a curtain that my desperate hands will peel back and I’ll step inside whatever is behind it. 

I’m not even sure that I want to do it, I just feel like my options are narrowing and I don’t think anybody takes the way that I feel seriously enough. I just want someone to look at me and see exactly what I’m feeling, and feel the fear that I feel, and validate it. I’m just sick of feeling the way I feel and my motivation to get better is waning the more it grows and I’m losing any optimism I had that I am capable of being anything except painfully yet simultaneously dully sad. 

I cry all the time, to the point where I’m sick of myself, and I feel as though I’ve exhausted all of my sources to confide in. There’s only so many times you can repeat the same sadness and the same reasons for feeling that way until it becomes redundant. There’s nothing new I can say, and I’ve heard what everyone has to say about it already and it doesn’t help me anymore. 

I don’t have anything that I want to keep living for. My hobbies make me sad because they feel uncomfortably vulnerable, college doesn’t fulfil me the way it did before, I don’t want a family anymore, the prospect of a career doesn’t excite me. I think the thing that’s tethered me this far to the idea of living is the incredible people I have around me, and how much I dread the thought of them feeling the way I do, or feel grief in losing me. At the same time, I feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable with the feeling of love. It’s vulnerable and scary, and even the people I have loved who have loved me for years still give me a sense of dread. 

I don’t feel deserving of their love, and I feel suspicious of it, and I don’t understand where those feelings stem from enough for me to comprehend on an emotional level that losing me would be anything other than a relief to the people that I care about. I can imagine that putting up with the absolute shitshow that is my emotional state is draining, and I really dread the idea of being a burden to the people who mean so much to me. I find myself weighing in my head if the temporary grief of losing me is better than the ongoing physical and emotional drain of dealing with me, and whether I would be doing them a favour, even if they won’t immediately recognise that.

I haven’t told a single person about how I’m feeling, partly because I can’t bear the thought of not being taken seriously and the feelings of self loathing and loneliness that accompanies that disbelief, and partly because even if they do take me seriously, then I lose the comfort of knowing that if it got too much those pills are always there and I can alway just make it stop. I don’t know what to do, I just want someone to notice how much pain I’m in and worry about me, the way I’m worried about me because it means that the pain I feel is valid and it matters, it means someone can see what I’m going through even if I try to brush it off. 

So I just keep floating around like a ghost that nobody ever really sees, carrying around this feeling in my chest and not really knowing what to do with it. I want someone to fix me, and I know that’s unhealthy and I have to fix myself but I have been trying so hard to do that for so long and I keep ending up right where I am. I just don’t know if I can hack it anymore, I think the next big thing might knock me too hard, and I am scared of what I know I’m capable of doing to myself. I would do anything to make it stop, and I don’t think that anybody really cares