xianletaizi

[xianletaizi]

Garden Thoughts

Recently, I've been tending to the garden.

I like planting flowers, mostly. Jasmine, white peony, cameillas, all planted like a pony wall around the area. The blooming whites protect the temple, I think.

Daisies have started popping up, persistent as weeds, and there is too little time in a day for the amount of flower chains I want to make out of them.

But... with gardening comes dirt. A lot of it. And I really don't mind it! The mess is part of the appeal, truly.

In the moment where my hands connect with the damp earth, my fingerprints fill with dust, my identity wavers and wanes and disappears. I enjoy how I become just another part of the earth. Another pair of hands to serve.

Then, I finish tending to the plants and wash the soil from my hands for the day.

Or, I try to.

I rinse and soak and scrub until my fingers go numb with cold and red with friction, but the dirt under my fingernails doesn't lift. The tips of my fingers are stained grey brown and it's just like they used to be. Rotting from the inside out, red blood gone blue without air, red blood gone black with time.

It's just like it used to be.

Try as I might, I cannot wash away a century of filth from my nails, fingers, skin. I can still smell the soil, damp with blood, that swaddled and rotted around me. I can still feel the dust in my lungs, coating my tongue, filling my body until I am nothing more than a part of the earth. I don't enjoy it now. I am gone blue with fear and black with detachment.

I look at my hands and they are perfectly clean.

Red and raw. But perfectly clean.

Tomorrow, I will continue to tend to the garden.

[xianletaizi]

Bed... I think it's time for bed.

[xianletaizi]

"Well... it's Sunday! That means we'll have the best opportunity to make a profit on this week's scraps." Xie Lian smiled at the dashing man. His dashing man.

The sudden possessiveness nearly derailed his thoughts. He cleared his throat.

"It's San Lang's first time coming to the Puqi market with me. Sorry to make you do work for it. You'll tell me if you get tired of it, okay?"

"Errand boys?" Xie Lian blinked owlishly Hua Cheng, his head tilted at an angle curiously. In his naivity, Xie Lian did not catch what Hua Cheng was insinuating. For Mu Qing and Feng Xin were... Well, they weren't particularly involved in Xie Lian's life nowadays. Apart from the occasional divine mission, that was.

"I don't have any errand boys, San Lang. Unless... you're referring to yourself?" A bemused smile grew on Xie Lian's features. "Would San Lang like to accompany me to the market, perhaps?"

[xianletaizi]

xie lian is having 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 thoughts

one of my last drawings; a little smth for me to take the edge off <3

[xianletaizi]

"San Lang ah," Xie Lian whined and flopped back onto their bed. "You know I was just testing the spiritual power you lent me. I was talking about the array!" He put a hand to his temple and repeated Hua Cheng's array password.

'Try again, San Lang. Properly this time? Can you hear me okay?'

'San Lang, San Lang can you hear me?'

"Indeed, your Highness, I may have joined the ranks of the undead, but I assure you, my hearing remains sharp—though perhaps my coordination suffers slightly since I've got only one eye." He chuckled, the sound rich and hearty, bubbling up like a wellspring of mirth, as he shared the jest.

[xianletaizi]

霧荷

[xianletaizi]

yes, I love you, I’m waiting for you unbearably. 

14 July 1926 Letters to Véra by Vladimir Nabokov

[xianletaizi]

hey world, thanks for being so beautiful. thanks for giving us vivid sunsets and clear blue skies and tall, majestic trees that we can see for miles. thanks for giving us rain that refreshes the air and makes us feel like we can breathe again. thanks for waterfalls and icy lakes and gigantic mountains. thanks for giving us a lovely place to live

[xianletaizi]

San Lang San Lang San Lang.

San Lang I’m hungry. San Lang I miss you. San Lang I want to hold your hand, feel your warmth, share my days. San Lang.

[xianletaizi]

[xianletaizi]

Still, on this warm July afternoon you are the one my thoughts wander to.

July 28, 1969 Anne Sexton: A Self-Portrait in Letters First published: 1977

[xianletaizi]

I want to infect you with the tremendous excitement of living, because I believe that you have the strength to bear it.

Tennessee Williams,  The Selected Letters, Vol. 1: 1920-1945

[xianletaizi]

Dear July,

closing a chapter and getting ready for a new one. leaving whatever doesn’t serve us behind and taking all the good memories and moments with us. here’s to a new month, a new journey, new happy moments, new blessings and a wonderful new month. August has wonderful things in store for us 🌿🌞🪴

[xianletaizi]

Actually, you are enough. Even if you don’t work. Or study. Or go out. Or have friends. Or have family. You’re enough because you exist and your existence is enough to be enough because you are not a product. You are not a sum of output. You are not a task to complete. But because you are something the universe wanted and put here even if you’ll never understand why. Somewhere in the cosmos your existence makes a difference, even if it’s not the way others existences do.

[xianletaizi]

because I am myself when with you.

July 16th, 1962 Anne Sexton: A Self-Portrait in Letters First published: 1977

[xianletaizi]

he xuan spending years trying to break out of the kiln: -_-

the massive xie lian statue in the corner:

🙂

[xianletaizi]

"Errand boys?" Xie Lian blinked owlishly Hua Cheng, his head tilted at an angle curiously. In his naivity, Xie Lian did not catch what Hua Cheng was insinuating. For Mu Qing and Feng Xin were... Well, they weren't particularly involved in Xie Lian's life nowadays. Apart from the occasional divine mission, that was.

"I don't have any errand boys, San Lang. Unless... you're referring to yourself?" A bemused smile grew on Xie Lian's features. "Would San Lang like to accompany me to the market, perhaps?"

"Oh! San Lang!" Xie Lian straightened up from where he'd been organising the wares in his basket. "Well... we both know that's not true, don't we?"