xsoulfulthoughtsx

[xsoulfulthoughtsx]

Growing Up

Ever since I was a little kid I always wanted to be an adult. Now I realize the expectations and actual reality of growing up. All I can really say is adulting fucking sucks, but at some point you are going to have to start some where. You are going to have to realize that your parents can only do so much and your going to need to do some heavy lifting on your own. The reason I came to this conclusion is because a couple days ago I had to make a tough decision regarding my college tuition balance. I had around $3,200 left for my balance and I needed to be financially cleared before classes start which is the 22nd (next week). Clearly that wasn’t going to get paid...Iol. I actually wrote this over a year ago while this sits in my drafts. The reason why I laughed is being it’s different times, but same situation. Will history always repeat itself when you have no intention of letting it?

[xsoulfulthoughtsx]

“Finding your Zen”

Hello all, it’s been a while and life still continues to go on! I’ll get to the point though. I find it funny how when we watch movies or TV shows and the main character goes through something problematic where he/she has to make a difficult decision. It usually gets solved quickly in most cases, but in real life when it happens to us it just feels like there is a huge blockage in the road we need to pass-over. Sometimes that blockage we are trying to get past may not be the right path for us and somehow the universe is doing us a favor without us knowing. That’s why it’s up to us to find our zen and make sure we are finding some type of balance while achieving our goals. That being said I decided to do a “spiritual awakening, find my self” retreat next week on my days off. The idea is to hopefully receive answers, put me in the right place in my life, clear my head, and to truly find my purpose. I ordered some books because I definitely want to get back into reading. I’ll diffidently share an update in the next week or two!! 

[xsoulfulthoughtsx]

“University Years are your Best Years”

And as the sun descends and i find myself

stuck in a wooden library chair

I look up at the ceiling in anticipation

Of a wilder life

Of the life i was promised

In movies

Of university parties

that rocked me to my core

Of drinking with friends

until our bones are sore

Of laughing while skipping lectures

and never looking back.

Instead

I drink coffee at ungodly hours

studying with headphones on

And laugh hysterically with friends at how

fucked up this busy life is.

We are 21

We live life on the edge

of sleep deprivation

We order pizza and smoke weed

Everything is too expensive

And stress is not a sedative

Our only exercise being

running from one class to another

one ending at 10:59

The other starting at 11:00

Those 60 seconds a mercy

from the monotonous voice

echoing across the auditorium

Where we are stuffed in like pigs

Sedated by the steady buzzing of

The Voice before they shove us out

for slaughter in the cold

And welcome the next batch in.

The Voice

Unwillingly teaching an entire generation

And sparking no interest in none

Stifling any interest to attend

in the beginning of year one

It’s finally year three

And Everyone is simply fed up

[xsoulfulthoughtsx]

The Root of it all

I’ll get straight to the point. As much as you try to fix a problem there is always a reason why it occurred in the first place. As much as I can feel sad and depressed about the certain situations I’m going through, which I basically was all day, it doesn’t solve anything. It actually just made me sadder, especially when I was trying to come up with solutions for myself and still ended up with a dead end. Instead of my roots growing into a tree with branches and leafs, it’s not growing at all. The beginning of my growing process is stuck at the moment and still at it’s roots. It took one person to talk to me and help me realize that “It will be okay and you’ll be fine.” All of a sudden half of my worries went away and as much as I think about it he is right. I believe in the saying, “everything happens for a reason,” so maybe my problems is suppose to happen this way. Even though I discovered the root of my problems and I am the cause of it, life isn’t destined for you to be stuck at that root forever. You’re suppose to learn from your mistakes, fix the mistakes, and keep moving with your life. The whole point is for you to not repeat the same mistakes over again. If that’s the case, what are you really trying to do to fix the root of your problem? Of course there are some roots you can’t control, but you can find a way to fix the problem without you neccesarily implanting that root.  Sometimes the root of it all is you and other cases it’s something else that caused it, but there is always a way to fix it.

[xsoulfulthoughtsx]

One day I want someone to be like this over me 😌lol. Until that day comes my four main focuses is losing weight, growing my hair longer, making money, and focusing on my grades 🙌

[xsoulfulthoughtsx]

9 more days/ Reasons why I miss college!

I honestly can’t wait to go back to school. I’ve been on break long enough. I honestly wanted to go back to school the second week of break. Classes was suppose to start back up on the 8th, but they recently pushed back classes until January 22nd. I low-key just miss being in my dorm room, I can definitely name a few reasons why. For instance, who doesn’t want more freedom?! Also, it means money for me because I have an on-campus job at the school bookstore. I wouldn’t have to worry about my parents knowing where I’m at 24/7 or my siblings waking me up early in the morning just because. In addition, I get to have company whenever and whoever I want in my dorm room. There’s no way I can even pull that off at my dad’s house, especially if I wanted a guy over lol. (STORY TIME) Once, a couple of months ago, during the summer Kam and I (a friend from high school) was supposed to hangout and go see a movie. In order for me to go anywhere I had to ask my dad which was understandable, so he was saying he wanted to meet him. The whole family was making a big deal out of it thinking it was a date and my step mom was interrogating me about him. I guess probably she thought this was my first date (little does she know I had my moments during freshman year lol). Long story short....when Kam came to pick me up EVERYONE CAME OUT SIDE TO SEE HIM (if I can put all of the emojis I was feeling at that moment). My step mom was like, “ he not gonna come out out the car?” and I responded “it’s not a date “ and walked to the car. Furthermore, my dad decided to go to the car and while Ii was getting in the car I was telling Kam “I’m so sorry”. My dad hears me and yells out “sorry for what? what are you apologizing for?” At this point I was already embarrassed as is. Kam rolled down the window and he greeted my dad. My dad was like, “wassup my brother?” while he opens out his hand for a handshake....(to fast forward, mind you I’ve never had a curfew before) my dad said, “make sure she home by 11:50pm”. It was already late around that time like 9pm-10pm. by the time the movie was over he had to rush me home. That being said if my family acts like this over a guy friend that goes to show why I don’t bring other guys over or even mention them. That’s why it’s better for me to hang with guys at school. Moreover, surprisingly I do miss having homework assignments to do.

P.S. - When I get back on campus Amaris (one of my best friends) and I are going start taking a pole dancing/twerk class as a way of having something fun for us to do. I’m really excited about it, so I’ll share my experience later on! (around the 29th)

[xsoulfulthoughtsx]

I needed to see this because I was thinking about texting Mark right now saying I need some dick lol. Every time when I think about it I think about Summer Walker’s song, “Girls need love”. “I just need some dick, I just need some love. Tired of fucking with these lame n****s, baby I just need a thug.” I’m gonna need  to distract myself smh. I’ll give updates later, cause I might give in lmao.

[xsoulfulthoughtsx]

It’s funny how I’m reblogging this because 2019 is supposed to be dedicated to me focusing on myself 😂and supposed to be me cutting all of my “hoes” off. This quote mostly explains more of my 2018 (only 2/6 from the quote I can relate to lol). Based off of my other two posts you’ll know which 2/6 it is. 💕

This is my 2019

[xsoulfulthoughtsx]

It’s about time you do yourself a favor :)

It’s funny how it is so easy to give other people advice not realizing that in the future you’ll need to take your own advice. Sometimes the advice or answer you’re looking for you already gave to someone else. It would be up to you to figure out what advice you will need to take depending on the situation you’re going through. It’s about time you do yourself a favor and take your own advice!

[xsoulfulthoughtsx]

Let him go

I keep thinking to myself, “why I do I still have urges to text a person that I know I won’t have a realistic future with?”. I knew what I was getting myself into when we first started this ��friends with benefits” relationship. As much as I delete him as a contact on my phone or clear the conversations it doesn’t really change the fact everything happened. He will always be my first, but now it’s time to focus on myself and move on.