ycorreafb-blog

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Life ... Oh boy.

I’ve been going through it lately. I mean, I know I am not the only one. Plenty of people out there are having a hard time with one thing or another. But not having many friends really shits on my shit-parade.

Let’s just say, I am far beyond tired with no option of giving up. And frankly, it fucking sucks. I just want to fall into a deep, deep sleep. So deep, in fact, that I never awake.

** shrugs ** Oh well.

[ycorreafb-blog]

Sheesh

I am legitimately tired of the insults and complaints. I’ve been considering taking myself out of the picture for some time and as the days pass the desire grows stronger. If my child and I are such a burden, then I can unburden you. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.

Starting over isn’t anything new to me. If I must, then I will.

I’m always the villain or evil one no matter what I do ... whether that’s good, bad or indifferent.

I really think I just need to pack my shit, and my kid, and disappear for good. 

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I Don’t Have It

This week a took the step of trying to find counseling. Since I could not afford mainstream therapy, I opted for a Peer-to-peer free service. The idea was to connect with someone and create a cross-support system.

Well, I did connect with someone, and at first it went okay. 

Relatively quickly I found myself in the position of being the giver more than the taker. Suddenly I had been put right back into that position where I had to set aside my struggle and needs in order to help someone else with theirs. At first, I didn’t mind it much. It got my mind off of my own qualms.

Then, out of nowhere, shit with this person got really dark. Like, dark, dark.

Knowing that I did not have it in me to provide this person with the help they needed, I pulled away.

I have since gone right back into my oblivion shell--the proverbial and metaphorical protective place where I hide when I just want to be left alone because I cannot get my needs met. 

Part of me feels selfish. But I am telling myself that at this point in my life, I have to be selfish because I have been the SELFLESS one my entire life.

I’m not sure if what I’ve done is right or wrong. Frankly, I can’t bring myself to care. I cannot help someone with their demon when I have yet to deal with my own.

[ycorreafb-blog]

Just, wow.

I am speechless.

I am looking for solace wherever I can find it, but find it not. Most people I speak to are in a worse mental space than I. It’s a frustrating stream of events because the one seeking counsel becomes the counselor.

Story of my life.

[ycorreafb-blog]

Limited Limitlessness

The truth is that I want to live a limitless life. But I am limited by uncontrollable limitations.

When your mind is larger than life, but life is smaller than you mind, it’s a conundrum that cannot be remedied. To live with a soul that wants to break barriers but on a world that is defined by them is like drowning in a waterless ocean.

Daily I force myself to function within the brackets of this plane, make myself mediocre, just to make it to the next day. But I feel like so much more, so much larger than that.

It’s a lonely existence.

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It’s Weird, I Know

I know this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense ... but I can’t help but to think to myself that maybe getting sick enough to be admitted to the hospital might give me the reprieve that I desperately desire.

I get no rest in any other fashion, so maybe ...? *shrug*

It’s a strange thought, but a thought nonetheless.

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Needing Some Solace

I don’t know ...

Maybe it’s depression, or maybe I am legitimately overwhelmed by life. I was just thinking a little while ago, “That whole notion of ‘God won’t give you what you can’t handle’, I call bullshit on it. Lord knows, I can’t handle. I’m scarcely making it each day. The worst part is that’s it become normal to feel like I am drowning in unfortunate events. 

Is it just me?