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i                …                      wanted to            …                                           (      protect               you ) i                                        am         so               sorry .

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you can’t protect everyone.

                                                 I have to Try.

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a person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts / so he loses touch with reality and lives in a world of illusions / by thoughts i mean specifically chatter in the skull / perpetual and compulsive repetition of words / of reckoning and calculating

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animotophobic.

C: I see.

he doesn’t see. not really. vincent, of course, can understand the feeling of connection drawn across the internet - how easy it is to project a version of himself that is better than who he ever really is, or one that never existed in the first place. that special kind of validation that can only be served by faceless puppets that he will only really see as icons on a screen. the control one can have when all that these people will ever see can only be something he’s projected.

of course, it must be the other way around for charlotte, looking up to someone so. vincent can hardly find the appeal in it. idolisation is something best done in person, isn’t it?

C: It’s not that I’m bored, as such. I wouldn’t be a good partner if I dismissed everything you showed me with boredom, would I? C: I have some authors that I admire, but I imagine that’s far from the question you were really asking, wasn’t it? Authors have a higher level of anonymity, and the writing they project isn’t so much about themselves. Ironic, considering how inherently personal writing can be, but point. C: Warhol’s content is entirely herself. So, in that sense, no - I don’t have a celebrity I admire. C: Her content is for those thousands of followers you mentioned, yes. But there’s nothing personal about it. Your fixation makes me worried that you’ll start cheating on me, ha-ha.

he’s not laughing. but he’s not particularly disappointed, either. which part is supposed to be most worried about, he wonders?

C: To spare you my ramblings, allow me to put it this way. C: Friendship is supposed to be a reciprocation, of sorts. I won’t insult you for liking her content, despite my own suspicions as to why you do. Just let me ask: C: You know a lot about Anri. How much does Anri know about you?

by now, charlotte’s used to the walls of text vincent sends her. his thoughts are always deeply unsettling, taking something like human condition and stripping it down to manipulations, to give-and-take relationships. she wants to believe that there’s something better in the world, something more pure and lovely. if the world is such a bleak and meaningless place... then what about the small things, like planting flowers or petting cats? is it just that humans are destined to hurt each other and call it friendship? to hurt each other and call it love?

once the messages stop popping up, once the c is typing... bar disappears, charlotte slowly moves her hands up to type.

charlotte: well... i don’t know anything about her. not really, anyway. charlotte: don’t be silly, vincent. it’s not like she’d ever notice me. i’m just one follower in thousands. and i’m not her friend, either... because friendship is reciprocated, just like you said. charlotte: but still... i admire her a lot. is that bad?

it strikes her, suddenly, that vincent might be jealous. but that’s such a ludicrous idea that she doesn’t even know what to do with it, so she sets it aside.

charlotte: i mean, you are my fake boyfriend, so if you wanted me to stop following her for any reason... i guess i’ll do it.

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androphobias.

And, of course, Tenko is still ever-so oblivious to the reasons for Charlotte’s red face. She’s sure that the girl is embarrassed, but as to why, she has no idea. She’ll just have to reassure Charlotte that it’s fine to come and talk to her whenever she wants, at some point.

“Oh - Tenko can eat ham and cheese!” It’s what her usual lunch is. Maybe a little bland, but she knows that the texture of those things doesn’t bother her. “But! It’s important to eat a little more healthier, too! Tenko can still appreciate this one.”

She doesn’t spend long dwelling on the sandwich matter. Charlotte still looks embarrassed and sounds nervous, but the comment about the garden doesn’t completely slip past her. Couples, as in romantic partners. Tenko understands that. As far as she’s concerned, it’s just a statement of fact. Nothing to do with the two of them. “Ah? It’s a difficult decision…”

The garden does sound nice, but the solitude of the roof means a no-boy guarantee, and a no-boy guarantee is undoubtedly the best thing in the world. Still, there’s a long, drawn-out hum before she comes to a decision. “Alright, Tenko has an idea.” She’s tucking the gifted juice under an arm before there’s any time to respond, because Tenko was never one to be slow, and offers her now-free hand out to Charlotte. “Show Tenko to the garden and we can how many people are there! If there’s too many boys, we’ll still have time to go to the roof if we’re quick!”

Tenko thinks that it’s a good idea, anyway. “Tenko is just fine with crowds, but it’ll do us no good if we have to eat by a lot of boys.”

“uh... mm-hmm.” charlotte doesn’t actually know what’s so wrong with boys. she’s the only girl in the house besides florence, so it’s not like she has much of an opportunity to avoid them. but she’s always been what they call a yes-man, so she agrees immediately to tenko’s assessment. “it’s better for tenko to be comfortable,” she explains to seth, fidgeting with her fingers, “so i don’t mind if we eat wherever she wants.”

he seems to be pleased with that — likely glad that she’s eating at all — and falls quiet. now, charlotte is presented with another problem: the hand outstretched to her. to take it feels so inviting, but what if it’s seen as taking advantage? of course, tenko is brave and kind and wonderful, but she surely would be disgusted, knowing charlotte’s feelings for her.

feelings? she thinks to herself in disbelief. since when have you had ‘ feelings ’ like how other people do? but no, she kind of knows... that this is a crush. and that the prospect of holding tenko’s hand is making her blush furiously. she takes it anyway, training her eyes on the ground as her cheeks burn. charlotte’s heartbeat is roaring in her ears, and she realizes she’s holding her breath. so she exhales as quietly as she can and musters up the courage to speak.

“o-okay, let’s go check the garden then.”

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follow my art on Instagram

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animotophobic.

there is some level of amusement that vincent finds in talking to charlotte about particular subjects. he wishes that he could say its because of her as a person; that he can regard her to be as close as he’d like. on the contrary, it’s because of how she speaks on particular things thats amusing. link after link, he’ll be greeted with this instagram post or that instagram photo, & he doesn’t even have instagram. of course, he can only suspect what’s truly going on here, & it’s probably about time he was blunt about it.

C: Charlotte. C: You know that I’m never one to discourage your interests. However, you’re aware that I could very well see Miss Warhol’s posts for myself if I so desired it, right? C: Seriously, I think this is the point where I should apologize and tell you outright that I don’t have nearly as much interest in this as you do.

his fingers fall idle against his keys, but a foot taps at the floor beneath his feet. he likes to believe that he’s typically tactful, when it comes to these things. how should he word this, he wonders…?

C: I can’t help but wonder, though. C: Have you ever considered why you like her so much? This kind of adoration, I feel, is typically reserved for closer friends.

oh... charlotte’s face can’t help but fall — um, not literally! just figuratively — as she reads vincent’s words. so he doesn’t really find anri’s posts interesting, huh... it’s just that charlotte herself thinks they’re really great, and she wants to share them with her fake boyfriend. isn’t that what fake girlfriends do?

her pale fingers hover awkwardly over the keys before she begins typing it out. a glance over to the clock — okay, she still has time before she has to log off for the night.

charlotte: oh, sorry... charlotte: i didn’t mean to bore you or anything. i just thought her posts were nice. charlotte: i’ll stop sending them, but... do you really not have any celebrities you admire? charlotte: i mean, anri probably is a celebrity. she has thousands of followers. don’t you think that’s worth admiring, even a little? charlotte: plus, i mean it’s nice to see her videos. sometimes it feels like she’s talking directly to me, and i look forward to checking my feed every day... charlotte: isn’t that a kind of close friendship, maybe?

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child muse vs current muse

tagged by: stole it from meme..... tagging: ahem. @idollatry​ @theworthiest​ @androphobias​ and uh anyone else who wants to the thing is very.... like girl-oriented so its hard to kinda make male muses in it i think

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clears my throat

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androphobias.

If it’s not boy trouble, then really, Tenko can’t fathom any other reason for Charlotte’s appearance. She’s not complaining, of course! It’s just confusing when she can’t understand what someone is talking about, or when she can’t parse their emotions. Is Charlotte… nervous, maybe? She’s murmuring to herself, and Tenko knows that she also babbles to herself when she’s nervous, but that wouldn’t make much sense. What reason could there possibly be for a girl to be nervous around Chabashira Tenko?

She doesn’t understand what’s happening until Charlotte states her intentions clearly, but there’s hardly a second before a sharp gasp leaves her mouth, because when was the last time a girl asked to eat lunch with her? A delighted giggle shakes her shoulders before there’s any time to stop it, and she bounces on the spot one, two, three times.

“Lunch? Is that all you wanted? Of course!” Tenko would be moronic to turn her down! She doesn’t even notice Charlotte’s offerings until she calms down a little, and even then, she doesn’t reach out to take them immediately. “Ah? Are those for Tenko?” Despite her excitement, she only takes them gingerly from Charlotte’s hands. The girl’s cheeks are red. How strange! Tenko can only think of one possible reason why. “You don’t need to be embarrassed or something! Tenko’s very grateful that you’ve offered her all of this, really!”

the flush remains pink on miss charlotte’s cheeks, and she now feels the embarrassment that tenko has been describing. after all, tenko just told her she’s feeling embarrassed, and she can’t imagine tenko being wrong about anything. “i-i didn’t know if you ate ham and cheese... the cafeteria’s ham-and-cheese sandwiches are really good, but if you can’t eat it, then it would be useless to buy it.”

she clutches her bag, with her own lunch tucked away inside. it’s a relatively small amount compared to what she’s bought for tenko — money has been a little tight for her, and she wanted to make a good impression.

“u-usually, i go to eat on the rooftop. i think it’s nice to go there, because no one’s there to disturb us.” but the garden, she thinks, the school garden. “u-um, unless you wanted to go to the garden. usually it’s a popular couple spot...”

seth teases her a little about that, and she goes bright red.

“b-but that means it might be crowded now. if you wanted to be alone — ” oh, her voice is coming out in a squeak, “ — if — if you wanted to be not around people, i think the roof is better.”

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                                         I WATCHED GOD DIE. he begged and clawed and spat and choked the human out of his blood onto the tile beneath him. god demanded mercy and i wondered; is there someone higher than god to whom he screams?

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androphobias.

Chabashira doesn’t often think badly of her female schoolmates, but when it comes down to it, she does believe that Charlotte is a very good girl. The sentence alone grabs the entirety of Chabashira’s attention, but perhaps not in it’s intended way.

“Wanted to see Tenko? Why? Is something wrong?” Of course boy trouble is the first conclusion that she comes to, but what else could it possibly be? Charlotte seems like an innocent, sweet, good girl, and as much as Chabashira admires that, she can’t help but fear that a boy will try to take advantage of it. It’d be typical menace behavior of one to try it, after all! “Is there a male giving you trouble? Do you need Tenko to throw someone? Tenko’s excellent at throwing boys across the room!”

“n-no, i...” charlotte clutches the bag she’s holding a little tighter, nerves suddenly gripping her, rendering her temporarily unable to speak. it’s a little scary, when things like that happen. it happens a lot around tenko, who is always so confident and kind. charlotte wants to be friends with her... really badly.

seth asks her if she’s alright, and she murmurs, “i’m okay, seth. you don’t need to worry.”

but now, she approaches this with a renewed effort, heart pounding as she takes the lunch she’s bought out of her bag. it’s nothing special — just a whole wheat veggie and hummus sandwich. she would have gotten ham and cheese, but she didn’t know if tenko eats meat or cheese. this sandwich is completely vegan, just in case. she also fishes out a small box of apple juice, holding both items out to the other girl. her cheeks are burning, stark against her pale skin. “i j-just wanted to know if you’d eat lunch with me.” she doesn’t dare make eye contact, her face getting redder and redder the longer she waits with outstretched hands.

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gungambled.

        “ how kind of you – worrying for that imbeciles health. “

  a HEARTLESS queen, she plays that UNCARING role so perfectly in regards to her companions. it was how it was MEANT to be. after all, it was not as if any of them would CARE about her if they knew the truth. the only reason she got attention is for this ROLE she plays, and the throne she put herself on. plainness and living beneath the shoes of others was not how people got through life and THRIVED. if one could call it that.

  and yet for all the CRUELTY she proclaims, she does not shoo charlotte away when she makes the move to take a seat. instead, she lifts the cup of tea to her lips and LISTENS. in all honesty it is surprising to hear that she had been PRACTICING. what a LEVEL of commitment. but a small smile does settle onto her features.

     “ ah – so perhaps you do have more TASTE than i initially believed. i can certainly TELL you’ve been practicing, and it is always a pleasure to allow someone to witness the beauty of GENUINE quality. “

     a little pause in her words, that cup being set so gently upon the table before she speaks once again.

        “ though it DOES raise a question: do you enjoy preparing food and drink as a hobby, or was it simply to impress me? “

imbecile seems like a little bit of a strong word, but charlotte can’t actually think of a better one. hifumi is... a little eccentric, and his panting and sweaty hands make charlotte feel unsafe in an extremely instinctive way. she’s not sure what it is that scares her so, but even seth seems to dislike him.

thoughts of hifumi are abandoned once charlotte is complimented. she seems to light up completely, moreso than others would — a sure sign that she isn't on the receiving end as often as she needs. there's a gentle sort of starvation that hangs around miss wiltshire. she truly doesn't believe she deserves more than she gets, and yet she's dying from malnourishment anyhow.

"oh, um... it's a little bit of both, i think," answers charlotte, in a way that seems befitting of one called the ultimate altruist. "of course, i like doing things for other people, but i also do it specifically to make you happy, celestia. after all... we're friends, right?"

— and here it is. friends. friendship. something charlotte so desperately wants, so desperately craves. she wants to have friends so badly that she would carve bits of herself away until she is nothing but a weakly beating heart in a sea of blood and broken limbs. the depravity doesn't quite show itself on her earnest face, with its youthfulness and innocence still clinging to it, but it's obvious she's holding onto hope.

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The universe is indifferent. We ought not to be.

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Sarah Ockler, Fixing Delilah

Submitted by Anonymous.

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                    you told yourself ———–                    ( i won’t be lonely ) because you are never lonely ———————–                                                right … ?

so how come            how come            you can’t make your heart            stop ? screaming ? for ? …

            ( i’m not lonely, i’m not lonely )

… except that you are

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bennett tribute:

days with younger huxley / arguing

living post-eye plague

1P video games experience

befriending felix: a 4-page comic (actually, they were pretty awkward talking to each other at first, but I’ve decided against angst this time)