yllem

[yllem]

My Grandma Died

I have avoided this post for a long time. Today is January 2nd, 2024. I haven't written in several months and this is a very hard post to make.

Mid October was one of the craziest weeks of my life. Let's start with Monday:

October 16th: I hear that the first client I ever signed is looking to get out of their contract. I win $170 in an NFL pick em's league. Low. High. I receive a call from Kelli, Bruce's girlfriend. This seemed weird. It was after 11pm in Ohio and she does not call me. I answer the phone expecting bad news. My dad had been in Ohio a lot in 2023 visiting his parents, mostly my grandpa who was not doing very well. I was prepared to hear the hard words from Kelli.

She says something like: "Melly, I don't know how else to say this, but I can imagine you know that I'm not calling with good news. Grandma had a stroke. She's in a coma and it's a matter of days. We can't get ahold of your dad." I shot up in bed. GRANDMA? I immediately call Laura who I know will be across the hall. She relays the message to which he responds "whaaaaaaat" three times. I forgot to mention the coma, but he goes to call Bruce. On the phone with Laura I hear him reenter the room, she is in the kitchen with mom, and say "yeah, my mom is going to die."

While all of this is going on, Bob is in the hospital. They think he may have cancer.

The rest of the week is sad. Dad does not give any updates to me, so I hear everything from Laura. There isn't much to say.

October 19th, 2023: Dad sends a text at 1:34pm letting us know grandma has passed away. It is all very surprising and fast. Mom calls me. She says it's the best ending for her. She was a worrier and didn't have to feel scared about dying. She didn't have to deal with the pain or suffering of sickness. Her ending, while surprising, was very peaceful.

I still feel the emptiness that she filled. The sadness is different than when grandpa had died last August.

October 21st: Mom and Laura leave for Ohio. Dad calls asking if Joe can stay with Belle. He's been attacked by two pitbulls on the run and needs to get stitches. Tim continues to be a pain in the ass about when we will leave together for Ohio (has flag football and softball on Monday nights). He eventually comes to his senses.

October 22nd: I am in Chicago because Joe and I have fall ball playoffs. Our team has a chance at the championship. We win game one and go on to the 3pm game. This team has only one loss: to us the weekend prior. During the second or third inning a girl on our team has her first seizure in the dugout. Her parents were not there. She had mentioned a strong headache and then that she couldn't see. She started a groaning cry before collapsing in Bob and Joe's arms who were steadying her. A mom on the other team is a nurse and times everything. She is a great help. The player is taken away by ambulance with her younger sister. She makes a full recovery. The team goes on to win, not by one like last weekend, but by 7. We lose in the championship on the 24th, but it was a great team to be a part of.

October 23rd: Tim and I go to Ohio and it is sad. It is sad to see my grandpa who spent more than 65 years loving her and all of her quirks. They spent every day together and I'm sure she filled much of his quiet days brought on by old age.

October 24th: Everyone worried about grandpa during the wake. The casket is closed because Grandpa says that's what she wanted. Mousey, Danny, Dee Dee, Mark, Grandma, Eileen, Tom, and Anita come. The funeral is sad as Bruce's friend Frank chokes up during the funeral. Dad, Tim, Taylor, Bruce, Chris, and Mack are pallbearers. Dad, Mom, Bruce, and Grandpa sit in the front. Dad chokes up after setting down the casket about how light it is. He tried hard to keep it together, but little things get that man.

The weather is beautiful. Despite it being end of October, the weather is near 80 degrees. There is lots of sunshine. She wouldn't have to be cold.

The luncheon is at Bennetts. Tim, Laura, and I grab hamburger wagon for the non-Ohio guests to try. We spend the day at a bar later with Kaley, Chris, Madison, and the girls. It felt like good bonding.

Ohio is a sad place to be these days. A reminder that, eventually, we all must go. I am not good with loss and it is sad to see my grandpa get older and older- something we did not witness with my other grandpa given his distance. It is still nice to visit the cousins. I will be sad to update this again, eventually.

[yllem]

Weight Gain

I can't stop it and it's infuriating! I'm back to where I was a few years ago in hopeless efforts. I just don't have the exercise consistency or partner support or self control. I'll have to revisit. I float 178-180 right now.

[yllem]

Tori's Bachelorette Weekend

I am writing this in May, so it has been two months since the affair. I will do my best to recap what I can, but may be missing some details!

Friday: Uncle Mark drives us to the airport. Laura and I meet him at his house and when we are a few minutes late, he asks if we have walked. We get Tori and see Patrick and the boys are at the casino. It is 4am. We are flying out of Midway and Cassie misses her flight. I sit next to Tori and chat most of the flight. Laura is in front of us in the middle seat. We land, get our bags, change, then pick up the rental car where Molly and Nicole meet us.

The five of us go to Target and stock up on things. We head to Jojo's Coffeehouse next for brunch. i do not drink since I am driving. Grace and Cassie meet us there. We get margaritas next from the place next door and get to sit outside! They were very tasty. We go to the Cubs game next and sit on the lawn. It is the most perfect day. Nicole, Tori, Grace, and I get matching hats. We come back and Molly has two little boys running laps around our group. The Cubs win! We go to the Airbnb after to change for dinner. This place is just okay. Connor and I return our rental car during, so we miss the partying. We meet the group at Riot after. We have take lots of pictures and dance. Connor isn't let back in after taking a call outside because he is wearing crocs. We all go back for an early day the next.

Saturday: We plan to go on a longer hike, but realize it is 45 minutes away. We decided to see the hole in the rock which is a 0.3 mile walk. We get the pictures outside and wear our disco shirts. We stop at Dutch Bros after for coffee and enjoy it outside. Molly, Laura, and I rode in the trunk of the car which was funny. We make jokes about the middle row not offering to rotate. Brunch is at RNR gastropub. Food was good, we decide to spend the afternoon at the pool before clubs in the evening. We play bags, beer pong, and just enjoy the nice weather. Tori ends up with sun poisoning, but we do our best to make her disco happen! We play some drinking games later in the evening, but she is mostly in bed. Grace, Nicole, Cassie, Laura and I stay up the latest and even start a fire outside. We go to bed around 12/1am.

Sunday: Sunday is our last full day at the airbnb! Grace leaves, Maddie arrives. We hit up some wine bar and accidentally go to someone's house in our uber! After we get coffee and decide on another pool day. Cassie starts getting on people's nerves more and more. Molly creates a power hour with beer to make sure we drink it all. It works and is a lot of fun!

We go to Cake which is a club and get free bottle service. Laura is annoying thinking this is a place to troll for men and ends up making out with some ugly ass dude. Cassie also makes out with someone. She eats shit after I cut her off when trying to sneak another drink. We get bounced. I offer to take her home. They let us stay. I never catch up on the level of drunk as everyone else which is annoying. I have to chase Cassie down the street and hold her down. I get her into an uber and she tries to escape, but I don't let her. I drop her off and leave her with Molly and Cassie. She at some point flail punches Molly in the face. I go back to the club. We spend the evening gossiping about Cassie with Maddie and then eat pizza rolls.

Monday: Most people fly out early. Me, Laura, and Tori are the last ones. We have a case of the sillies and pick a grill for lunch. It turns out to be on a golf course. We get fries and a beer and salads which are tasty. Tori flies home. Laura and I have a layover. She was a pain in the ass at the airport.

Great weekend nonetheless!

[yllem]

January Miami Trip

I got to do more work traveling in January for an in person QBR. We went to Miami, but unlike October 2021 when we stayed in South Beach, we got to see Brickell this time which was cool! The place has an interesting history.

Now... time for some back story. As this blog probably knows, I have been looking for an advancement in my role for some time. I called our new VP, Ami, on December 28th because there was an opening to manage my team. Feeling I had exhausted my efforts, I wanted to know if it might make sense to throw my name in the hat for the role. And.... she said no. Our CRO wanted to hire someone with sales experience, thus I'd be out of the running. The funny thing is that, in late October/early November she had ended a call with me saying "remind me of your career goals again. You want to be in sales?" I thought it was an interesting comment and after our boss Alissa got laid off had clicked she might have been gauging my interest in that role. She was. She did think of me. I didn't want to be the boss, so I wasn't offended. Then she mentioned the VP Sales (Craig) had just hired one of her old employees at Oracle and I felt upset. I knew it was time to quit. I told my friends I was on the hunt for a new role. I had been on Craig about the role for some time and felt frustrated. Jillian helped me fix up my resume. I applied to two places. The day one of them gets back to me about the interview, Ami asks me and this other girl to join a zoom. She fixed our crappy comp plans. She asked just me to stay on the line. There is an opportunity for me to move into Sales. I should message Jon immediately.

Sorry that paragraph was so chunky. I set up time to chat with Jon for the Friday before we went to Miami (Tuesday through Thursday). It got cancelled, but Ami gave me some advice on what to share with him. We scheduled time to talk face to face in Miami and I spent the new few days writing out all of my accolades, organizing a 30-60-90 day plan, and sharing how I'd implement it on an upcoming meeting I have. I made it pretty and bundled it in a report cover. I was ready!

In Miami Jon told me it never made sense to set me up for failure in a role, but there has never been a better time to pursue this. Can't remember all the details now, but he told me to grab time with Craig and John G (EVP) while in Miami. "I spoke to Jon, I think I have his support." He'd talk to Ami about what to do about my transition from my team.

I snagged Craig next. He was tough asking to join some of my calls, only knowing me in more social settings than professional. He reiterated over and over again that my name has come up a lot. He mentions syncing with Ami as my transition away from my role will be disruptive.

John G was the only one left. I felt nervous about this one as the most interaction we've had together is a simple handshake in October to formally meet (driven by me) and an "I liked your presentation." I started to speak, introducing why I had asked for his time and he said "so the answer is yes." I was ready to fight for my life and very surprised! He said set up time to talk about my off-boarding.

The call about my off-boarding never happens, but Ami spoke with Jon and I start April 1st! I'm nervous, but excited. Mostly proud of all the work I've done to girlboss my way up here.

[yllem]

New Year, Disney Trip

My New Year's resolution was to make sure I'm seeing my friends again. I make time for one person per week and I am feeling more fulfilled in my relationships again! Sometimes it's hard because I don't have a ton of people in my life, but the people here are really great. It also gets me out of the house more which is good. I want to work on visiting some new places in next.

I went to Disney World last month with Patrick, Tori, Joe, Sam, and Charlotte. Day one was dinner at Miller's and just chilling, really.

Day two was an early start: Hollywood Studios and EPCOT! Tori helped us get on all of the cool rides at Hollywood Studios and we got a cocktail at this cool Star Wars bar. At EPCOT we rode Test Track, Soarin', and the boat ride in Mexico while drinking around the world. We had dinner in Mexico which was tasty and a place I had not gone to before. The manager in Italy did not take my ID and that was annoying. The day as a whole was so much fun.

Sunday was a no park day. Joe and I started the day with a walk around Disney Springs to determine which pool was the best one to go to. We found an arcade and played some while Tori was in the gym and everyone else was still asleep. Later we had drinks by that pool and then went to Disney Springs to shop and have dinner. We had dinner in an Irish pub and had a cocktail in Frontera, too.

Monday Joe and I went to Universal and it wasn't even crowded! The longest we waited was about 90 minutes, maybe a bit more, for the new Hagrid ride which was AWESOME (Joe couldn't ride so we got two fast passes for free). The average wait time was about 20-30 minutes. I road Hulk twice in 11 minutes and walked right onto the music roller coaster. We got lunch in Simpson's line which was actually the second longest wait. We had so much fun together and got to use the fast passes to get on the Hogwarts Express before it was too late at the end of the night. Our feet were KILLING us by the end of the day.

Tuesday was our final day. We went to the pool and drank as much liquor as we could. I had accidentally booked Joe and I one stop flights both ways which sucked, BUT! while we were waiting in the TSA line, because our flight got delayed by two hours, we got to change it (usually you can't with American basic economy). I tried to pick Pat and Tori's flight, but turns out there was another flight with the same number and time on Wednesday. I picked that one, but American was able to change it. Woo hoo!

Charlotte and Sam were a bit weird, but otherwise fine. She is rude to waitstaff which drives me insane. She and Sam were shut up in their side of the hotel (the biggest side) the whole time. She would call Patrick instead of just coming out. Weird. I didn't let her bother me.

[yllem]

Weight Gain

I've gained 20 pounds since I broke my back.

I've been in the same rut I used to be in of half asses attempts of losing weird. I have to buckle down and just get it done.

No snacks. Smoothie lunches. Portioned dinners. Working out consistently.

Usually when I plan like this it doesn't work. Hopefully by the new year I'll be down 5-10?

Here we go again...

[yllem]

Friends

I'm in a lonely season of life. The only friends I see on a regular basis are related to me.

Sometimes schedules clash like that of me and Mary. I am trying better to be a more present friend to her. I have a lot of love in my heart for her and always will.

I think I will see more of Stephanie now. Like Mary, our schedules are completely opposite. I am so excited for the life she is creating. We have so much fun together.

I never see Michelle and feel like I always put that effort in, but she is always present in my day to day and I appreciate that love language. I am glad she is in my life. She bring such joy to my life and I wish I saw more of her.

I haven't hung out with Sam since she moved out and disrespected me and my boundaries. I miss her. I miss having that group.

Sarah is not a friend to me. I always say that I am ready to close this chapter, but never do. It's like being in middle school again, I think to myself, but then realize that her need to feel and express superiority over me to others has always been present. I will continue to try to put her behind me. She did not reach out about my grandpa dying, but texted me that her friend's mom knows Mousey. Mousey who everyone knows and who rode around with Bill fucking Gates all summer. I do not care.

I miss Circe, but I don't wish she was back in Chicago because then she would not be living her dreams!! I am so proud of her. I am so glad to have her as my friend and to be a friend to her.

I am hoping to reconnect with Sam T. who is dating someone that lives near me. I am hoping to strengthen my relationship with Maddie, too. I should also reconnect with Miky. I love her

Part of this update is to remind me of what I have. Part of this post is to remind me of what it's okay to have outgrown.

[yllem]

My Grandpa Died

I'd say this all happened very quickly, but that is not the case. Grandpa was sick for a very long time and, because of the distance and the pandemic, I can't even remember which year was the last that I saw him.

I was in Starbucks after OTF one morning when I got a text from Laura. Grandpa is dying. He's circling the drain. Mom is flying out tomorrow. This was mid to late July- one of the last games for my pee wee team. She was out there for a week. Auntie Ei was able to stay there until he passed. Dee Dee made her way back, too.

I thought that week might be the end. I called him and he seemed mostly the same, though a little tired. He shared his same stories. I told him that I loved him. We never spoke again.

He thought they had come to take him home. It's funny to use home as he'd spent most of my life living in Hawaii. He always said he wanted to die there and the funny thing was that all he wanted was to be back in Chicago. Eileen handled it well from what I can tell. She told him that he would have a new treatment team and a new environment where there he would have his beautiful ocean view and the team that he already knows and knows him. He felt better, I think.

He died on August 15th Hawaii time. I got a text from my mom at 2am on the 16th (Chicago time) letting me know he had passed on. Grandma told me that it was shortly after sunset. Dee Dee and Eileen were there and seeing all of his daughters before he went on to the next great beyond moved him deeply. I hope someone else called him. I hope he is seeing eternal sunsets.

The news did not hit me for a few days. I read the text and felt tears, but they never fell. It was like being in a mania with humor as a coping mechanism. I thought of the way he treated me mom and all that she deserved and never got. Same with my aunts. Grandma says she regrets nothing because the life she lived has been so beautiful. She was sad.

I cried after finding the last birthday card I will ever receive from him- sent in November of dated 12-29-2021. He always sent a gift in time for black Friday and wrote a nice note. I broke then. I broke at the funeral hearing Mousey tell the story of his life. I hear a lot about what my grandpa didn't give my mom, so it was interesting to hear all of the amazing things they were able to do because of him and all that they had. Mark grabbed his urn off the alter. I grabbed his hat. We left the church.

I will always miss hearing his laugh.

[yllem]

July 2022 - My job

I have been stuck in my role for the last few years with no opportunity for growth or advancement. I have been trying to capitalize on internal opportunities and have finally lost any and all hope. If I want to grow my career, I will need to leave.

I love my job. I love the people I work with and feel good about the work that I've done over the last few years. I love the company, the brand, the challenge.

I am heartbroken that no one has looked after me. A promotion to lead my team was given to Blake without even bringing the role to my attention. The reasoning was that I've expressed wanting to move in a different direction with my career, but not to be acknowledged was hurtful. The role collapsed anyway. Blake got put in charge of a different team in Marketing that I was also not considered for.

I sent my resume to Jon who sent back:

"Melissa, thanks for reaching out.  We have not yet finalized sales headcount for FY23 and I expect it will take another 3-4 weeks until I have a full understanding of how we'll be organizing ourselves for next year.  Once I have a better understanding of how many sales positions I'll have available, let's meet and discuss where there may be opportunities for you.  

I appreciate all the contributions you've made to the Americas business during your time at Cheetah Digital and will make sure you are considered for open positions for next year."

He has since hired two people. We have had no conversations. I am stuck on a team with Joe and Macgregor who are entirely incompetent. They have slighted my pay the last two months. People around me are growing and I am a sitting duck wrapped in the comfort of opportunities to be paid out and consistent cash in my pockets.

I am unhappy. I am wrapping up what I have and I am certain I need to go. I just don't want to.

[yllem]

A post about Sarah - Not that we should be surprised.

Today I learned, only by asking of course, that I am no longer a bridesmaid in Sarah's wedding. This part is whatever- it's not my wedding or my choice and she's not one in mine, either.

HOWEVER. The following dialogue is below: Me: Am I still a bridesmaid Sarah: So The answer to that is no, bc we were too lopsided with the bridesmaids/groomsmen I had too many so I had to make cuts to make it even. I'm sorry. Me: That's ok ur not in my bridal party wither LOL HS us is quaking rn Sarah: I assumed so lol But obviously I still want you there and I want at least 2 ~professional~ photo with you bc I love you and you are the oldest friend I have But it is safe to say we are not anywhere as close as we used to be and are just different people now lol Me: Ya u could have left this part out lol Sarah: It's something I had to get off my chest I'm hurt. Honestly, I'm also very annoyed. I've complained to other people regularly over the last few years about how Sarah does not reciprocate the effort that I put into our friendship. I've planned several times to stop the effort all together, but every time I think or vocalize that it's like she hears me and suddenly wants to be present in my life.

I spent $270 on their wedding gift, a $510 value (since they wouldn't need to know I got the gifts on sale). The gift is two Away suitcases. I'm going to upgrade the bag Timmy and I got Laura for Christmas (it is the smaller version) and sell hers + the other half of the set for Sarah. If I sell it for $404 at least, I'll get all of my money back between Laura's gift and the other bag. I'm hoping to sell it for around $475-500. What's the sense in a generously valued wedding gift for someone that doesn't think of you as a close friend? Not even referencing, the bridal party thing (again, a non-issue), but purely the comment after.

That comment was fucking hurtful. How do you lack self awareness so much to make a comment like that? I've typed and erased lots of comments back to that, but it's just not worth it. I'll attend. I'll buy a gift appropriate to being her "oldest friend" and call it a day.

I know now where to invest my time and it's not here. I've known this for a long time, but I don't know that this is a feeling I'll get over.

[yllem]

Sam and Circe

One 11/27 I gathered Joe's friends at my place for a 30th birthday party. I planned it before Halloween, sent out messages to his friends, and asked mine if they'd come. This story, however, starts on black out Wednesday (11/24).

Sitting in the kitchen for pre-game drinks, Circe and Sam tell me that they think Joe talks down to me. I know that this isn't the truth and admit to them that, if anything, I am the toxic one in our partnership, though I understand where I think they got that idea. I reiterate that there is nothing to worry about and the conversation moves on. Later that night they try to recruit Laura and Tori to confront me about this again.

Tori is caught off guard and turns down their recruitment saying it is none of her business or theirs if Joe and I are happy. Laura is deeply uncomfortable and seeks the advice of my parents who ultimately defend me and make her feel better about the situation.

The two show up to Joe's party hours after it starts and cause nothing but trouble. Joe approaches Sam to apologize for making her feel pressured to move out of my condo. It was never his intention. She bites his head off saying that the real reason she is moving out is because of what Joe said on the boat. 1/24/22- Starting this again and probably cutting lots of details. I approached Sam to be like yo? what's going on? The three of us go into my room to talk and they go on to tell me all about how they think Joe talks down to me and how they don't believe I'm happy. I try to debunk everything and Sam has the audacity to say he makes them uncomfortable because he stares at them (including Angelica's nipples). I was like OH HELL NO NOT TRUE. Anyway, I diffuse the situation, and the night goes on with just the three of us, Joe, and Wil. Everyone else left after they completely killed the vibe. Wil is too drunk to notice Circe relentlessly making fun of him for being short. Brock and Rob approach me a few weeks later to tell me what fucking assholes Sam and Circe were to them including Sam walking away from Rob mid conversation saying "yeah, I'm done with this." I am humiliated. I am sad for Joe whose friends are worried about us. I am sad that he got berated at his birthday party. I am angry that the timing was this poor. And on top of it? Two people that claimed to be sooo afraid of Omicron that they couldn't come out on my birthday were in a bar on NYE. Sam's been inconsiderate since that night, leaving my apartment a fucking mess with all of her stuff that she dragged on coming to get (had to ask her multiple times). They act like they're over drama, but they are 100% the source. I don't deserve this.

[yllem]

January 3rd, 2022

Crazy to think that a month from today this account will be ELEVEN years old wow.

The timing feels right for this short post. Thinking today about how different my life would have been in high school if the two best friends I made freshman year hadn't transferred- Jackie and Lindsay.

Part of me sees Lindsay's posts and wants to reach out and rekindle that friendship. The past me writing on here about how it was never worth the trouble would slap me for thinking that. Some things are better left in the past, but I think I'll always wonder.

Jackie had a series of unfortunate circumstances. Perhaps I would have been a bad friend to her because my sheltered upbringing would be unable to understand her woes in the way that would have been fulfilling to her.

I hope Jackie is doing well. She seems happy. I hope the same for Lindsay, too.

[yllem]

A Hurt to My Inner Child

We spent Christmas Day and the 26th watching old home videos. That's where this story begins, or rather reflection.

The date in the video was somewhere near March 20th, 2004, perhaps 2004. The clip is very short. My dad's footage pans from Allie to Jake and Katie. The Hemingways are visiting. My mom's voice booms, as it often did throughout my time living on Byron St. "MELISSA GRACE." I am eight years old. I stand up from the table, and hurry out of the room.

My reaction to the clip was visceral. I can feel my heart sink, my body get hot, and tears come to my eyes. I placed my hands on my temples, shielding my hot and teary face from Dad and Laura, fiercely wiping away tears as the clip ends and moves on to Timmy's 7th birthday... to elementary assemblies and award shows... to playing in the pool on a summer day.

The reaction of little me hurts. I did not know that I learned the coping mechanism so young. Get up. Leave the room. Hide in a safe spot. Cry. I hurt for my inner child. My tears fell as I drove home less than an hour later. My tears slowly fall now, though they are drying up from a day's dehydration.

I think of all of the times I heard that scream. The shame I felt as it was casted in front of family, friends, classmates, and even strangers. I want to hug the eight year old girl in the purple shirt that will deal with that damning yell for 16 more years. I want to hug the little girl who kept tallies on the back of a closed bedroom door: all of the times my mom has made me cry hysterically.

Whether I am 8 years old hearing the shout at that small family gathering, 14 as it booms through Thorp's hallways, 15 wishing I could find the focus to just do my damn homework, or 22 with a clumsy elbow at a graduation party.

I don't remember hearing it the first time. The call echoes through my life as that little girl, teenager, young adult feels the sting of embarrassment, shrinking and wishing she could be anywhere else.

I don't remember how many times I forgot to mark a tally. I don't remember how many times I hid in my closet, scribbling hasty feelings into an old notebook with thin Crayola markers. I don't remember the times I've shaken my head so as to toss aside hurtful memories.

My inner child hurts today. Soon the triggers will shut off, my feelings will calm, and I will forgive again.

Like the little girl in the videos who grows from impressively articulate and bossy, to the seemingly underwhelming oldest child, I will strive to be the picture of joy; entertaining and impressive in all that I do.

I wish I could say this is for her, but I know it's to prove myself to them. And for that, my inner child hurts, too.

[yllem]

COVID - December 2021

I am so tired of COVID. I'm starting to feel helpless and angry about the entire fucking pandemic which never seems to be ending.

Right as we reach mask freedom, the Delta variant hits. Then Omnicron. There's no break between all of the variants and the latest is even more contagious than the last. I've never known more people that have had the virus at one given time and they're all VACCINATED.

I want to go to the gym without a mask. I want to wake up with a dry throat (because I forgot to turn my humidifier on) without thinking I have the chance to kill the people I care about.

Once the fear is gone, more sets in... great.

[yllem]

Eve

When I think about how Eve will never get to celebrate her 18th birthday, play another softball game, graduate from high school... I feel so unbelievably sad. And angry. I feel sad for her family, who of course adored that spunky spark of joy with every fiber of their being. I feel sad for her friends. I feel sad for everyone that will never get to know her.

I feel sad thinking about those who couldn't say goodbye because of COVID. I feel angry about that, too and the politicized pandemic (put a fucking mask on and get the vaccine!). I feel angry that we don't have answers to cancer, yet. I feel angry that bad people get to walk free on this earth of sickness and someone so kind and beloved go a raw deal in life.

I feel inspired when I think of her bravery- what has been described as a fight til the very end. What do you do with news of a terminal illness? I can't imagine... Wishing it were different. Sad that it can't be.

[yllem]

I broke my spine

Last Wednesday, August 25th, I was in Colorado for a video shoot for a work conference. I flew off the back of a Polaris sidebyside and smashed my head on the ground. Immediately, I recognized that I had never hit my head that hard. When I tried to sit up, my left side hurt so bad that I couldn't move. It felt like burn hot knives were stabbing my lower back, near my hip, and the pain radiated down to the top of my butt. The medic on sight attended to me, checking for a concussion. and then she, Helena, and Kayla helped me up. Walking was possible, although the pain in my back was overwhelming. I was driven to the hospital in Castle Rock. The ride was an hour and 15 of the miles were down a dirt road. I felt scared, but comfortable in the car. Kayla stayed with me in the ER for the next 8 hours. I got an IV and the sensation from whatever the heck they were giving me felt so weird!! They gave me an x-ray which was very uncomfortable. With all of the moving around, I got super dizzy and threw up the hot Cheetos I had for lunch. It felt like the dizziness you experience when you're drunk and the world is spinning. I went for a CT scan shortly after. While trying to lay on the little bench thing, the pain was so excruciating that they gave me xanax and pain killers. I did not yet know how to move my body to fight the pain. I sustained a left transverse process fracture in my L1, L2, and L3 vertebrae. They sent me home with pain killers, lidocaine patches, and a muscle relaxer. The injury heals like a broken rib, no surgery or braces needed, with a recovery time of 4-6 weeks. I also have a concussion. For the first few days, the pain was EXCRUCIATING. I could not bend or twist in anyway. Even pulling my bags was uncomfortable. Fortunately, I was upgraded to first class to have extra room on the plane home. Kind strangers at the airport helped with my bags at O'Hare and I was wheeled to my gate in Denver (haha). One week later, I still feel a lot of discomfort with certain movement, but it's getting better every day. I feel the worst in the mornings, given the stiffness my muscles build while sleeping. The first two mornings in Chicago, getting out of bed was challenging. I could not make it to the toilet (hurt too much to sit with no time to spare) so I had to resort to peeing in the shower. I am walking at a normal pace again as the day moves on. I can even pick things up off the floor again! People have been very nice to me at work. Mom and Dad have called me a lot to check up on me. I am very lucky it was not more serious. I hope to be on my feet again, soon.

[yllem]

A sad post

I think about running away a lot. It's unlikely that I ever will, but I daydream about it. I am feeling very stuck these days. I feel stuck in my job that I've worked hard for. My career progression dies in this role, at this company, but the security in my earnings holds me hostage. I worked hard for the prospects of a high yearly earning and I am trapped in a role where this is maxed out without the focus on skill building that would take me to the next level professionally. Once I get through the summer, I'll think more about what walking away looks life. I am handcuffed by softball season (fortunately, this is an aspect of my life that I enjoy). I feel rushed to get married when I've made it clear that I am not ready. I must choose between losing Joe forever, hurting him deeply, and losing myself in a life that I don't feel ready for. My heart hurts over this as he brings up a wedding I do not want to start planning. I feel so anxious about it all. I'm suffocated. My parents and my brother don't care about me. I had to pause before typing that sentence to breathe a teary breath. I am not yet ready to dive into writing out the details and when I think about this too much, my brain shuts off. This is the only time it is quiet. I feel guilty about thinking this way because I know my parents tried their best. My dad said in our trip to Ohio that he felt like he did a bad job and that being mean to us when we were younger is one of his biggest regrets. I don't have the heart to tell them how hurt I feel by their indifference toward me and I love them too much to hurt them. I think about not speaking to any of them often. Sometimes I try it. Laura calls me so often and checks in on me several times a day that this is made challenging because they can keep tabs on me through her. Not speaking to her for even one day has her calling me asking why. I am thankful for her. On her bad days I feel betrayed. I know it is mostly temporary. I spend so much of my time working or by myself since my friends have different schedules or crutch to the pandemic to avoid interaction (understandably). Mostly, my oldest friendships are the least fulfilling. I am tired by the effort that is not reciprocated. I am worried that I will never get to see the world and try all of the glorious things that being human has to offer because there is always going to be a lack of time or a lack of money. Was building the "Experience" section on my resume worth the life experiences that I haven't had? I can hardly believe it would be. I think about going to a new state in a small down with a small house and hiding away from the life I knew. I think about keeping my fake name the same so that if others were keen enough to remember it they would know how to find me. I think about how long it would even take anyone to notice. I think about the note I'd leave- just to remind everyone that I'm alive but not to come looking for me. I think about whether or not I could bring my phone and think not so that others couldn't contact me. I think about reporting to work anyway but from somewhere far far away where I can go for walks and breathe fresh air away from everyone. I know when I'll do it. If I still feel this way, then I'll go.