you-know-where

[you-know-where]

There’s a huge fucking wave building up In the distance And it’s coming right at me. 50 feet tall, hard, and not stopping My heart is pounding And I’m stuck, watching.

Now should be the time  When I start to move But my legs dig into the sand and stay there. I make no attempt to run From this wave I could avoid And it sure as hell is gonna hit me. I know I’ve been hit By plenty of these waves before And I’ve come up, thrashing, Gasping, but alive. But what if this is the one, This huge fucking wave That finally takes me under And drowns me. I could swim, I guess But letting go would be so much easier. Anyway, it’ll be quick And painless, Hopefully. I stand my ground And the wave rams into me

[you-know-where]

The smooth, line-riddled floor of the sports hall gleams beneath the blinding white lights hanging from above. Squeaking shoes and the thump of a ball well hit, and laughs, and groans, and whistles. This endless hall holds endless memories, of frustration but also of pride. Of helplessness. Of hope.

Every colour painted in neat lines on the floor represents something completely different, and from the outside, they blur together in a confusing tangle. It’s amazing how on the court, all the colours that aren’t yours fade into the shiny faux wood, leaving behind just a harsh square of blue.

Blue are the lines to which you are confined, the lines you obey to win. Blue is the spinning ball racing towards you. Blue are the empty bleachers. When you miss your cue, trip, let you team down, everything looks blue. But with one fleeting smile, your vision flashes blue one last time, and then comes back to focus on the world around you.

[you-know-where]

Not quite sure Why I like it so much Why I like To torture my brain It would be so easy To just let go To live a normal life Without the pain

[you-know-where]

The smell of nail polish

Fill them inWith dark, shiny blackUnder the dim lightOf the dull metal lampThe clock ticks and tocksFrom high up on the wallIt’s lateBody is tiredNails are paintedAnd the bed calls

Thanks for the prompt!

[you-know-where]

Send me a random word as a prompt and I will write a quick poem!

[you-know-where]

There’s a void within But I won’t give in No I won’t give in To the screaming void I will run Jump Swim  Until my mind goes dim But I won’t care if I faint Every step that I take At least At least I’ll be pretty And thin.

[you-know-where]

They say grades don’t determine your worth But I’ve spent my time here on earth Stressing About testing Cramming For an Exam They say grades are just a number But this panic is like thunder These linear equations Send my heart racing I don’t sleep Barely eat And it’s not the teachers fault That the pounding of my heart Is tearing me apart

[you-know-where]

16 years.

5,840 days.

Countless hours, infinite minutes, an eternity of seconds.

Tens of times I’ve thought about how much it really would hurt to die… and if living was worth it. Hundreds of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep. Thousands of times I’ve whispered into the closing nighttime anxiety, “I can’t do this.” Tens of thousands of sharp breaths, speeding heartbeats, sweaty palms. 

Six years ago on my bed, after my sixth panic attack in a week, I told myself that I couldn’t survive. One week ago, holding my head in my hands after hearing about the passing of someone I loved, I told myself that I couldn’t survive. One hour ago, feeling my heart sink back into my stomach, I told myself I couldn’t survive.

16 years from now.

5,840 days from now.

Countless hours from now, infinite minutes from now, an eternity of seconds from now.

Tens of times from now, I will have reminded myself of good books & my favorite songs and decide life is worth living. Hundreds of nights in the future, I will fall asleep with a smile on my face… not because the day was the best of my life, but because I have hope for a brighter morning. Thousands of times I will whisper to the closing night, “I am ready for you.” Tens of thousands of unashamed laughs, speeding heartbeats (because of love, not fear), hands busy painting. 

Six years from now, on my bed, holding myself together still, telling myself that tomorrow won’t take as much courage as I think. One week from now, swaying silently to the music from the radio, telling myself that this is peace. One hour from now, sinking into sleep, telling myself that the future is not all lost.

Every day of my life, I have believed there is no going on. Every day of my life, I have proved myself wrong.

[you-know-where]

The last day, September 30th

Day 30: Surrender

You Held me close You Held me tight You Bound my wrists You Drowned the light You  Suffocated my soul Under pretence Of caring about Who I was  And  Who I became And  All my hope Was drowned When You Came.

[you-know-where]

September 29th

Day 29: Sometimes I dream

Sometimes I dream that you’re Here with me And we dance and sing And draw together Just because we can And we fall asleep holding Each other I front of the screen And we love life Love each other. That’s what I dream.

[you-know-where]

September 28th

Day 28: Over & Over

We wake up every morning Ready to face the day By the end of the struggle We want to fade away We tell ourselves Constantly Tomorrow will be better But will it? Ask yourself Does it really matter? Why do we rise When the sun does Every time Why do we follow The momentum It’s just I’m So tired Of going Where everyone else goes Just because it’s what’s done And that’s that I suppose.

[you-know-where]

September 27th

Day 27: Every Heart A Song

I’ve ready many books throughout my life. I’m not quite sure they’ve taught me anything. But I do know now Something I didn’t know before Just how many stories there are in the world And how many lessons they bring.

[you-know-where]

September 26th

Day 26: One Of Us

Every time the clock ticks It steals another life No matter where that soul came from It’s been chosen to die For every sunrise and sunset There are thousands of people lost Though what can we do But grieve for a while Then accept it And move on.

[you-know-where]

September 25th

Day 25: Murmur

It’s the whispers in the night-time Just before I fall asleep That tell me I’m a failure Deserve nothing That I’m weak. It’s the shouts Of those who care for me When the sun Reigns in the sky Who tell me I am worthy Of their love But Do they lie?

[you-know-where]

September 24th

Day 24: Shiver

Step under the shower To wash off the blood The open wounds in your soul Cracks in your heart caked with mud. Let the freezing water soothe you Cool the rage in your mind Let it Take all the horrors down the drain And leave you,  Shivering, Behind.

[you-know-where]

September 23rd

Day 23: Surprise me

Glittering eyelids  Bright red lips Rainbow highlight On her cheeks and Generous sips Of white wine From the bottle On the table

She rises But doesn’t seem able To stand, Let alone move And yet she’s Dancing in front Of the TV Grinning slyly Slurring her words She raises her hands  Above her head, Free.

[you-know-where]

September 22nd

Day 22: Before Eternity

Before I die, I’d like to show My love The sky and sea The beauty of  The horizon Reaching into Eternity.