youngdumbdisciple

[youngdumbdisciple]

In another life, I would've died

I believe this thought so.

The people that live in the world hanging on for their dear lives despite holding on a thin line. I salute to you.

If I was born not knowing God then I would've strayed far away. The world is so harsh and the people who live in it. Of course this includes me. We aren't perfect human beings after all.

If I was born with different parents, I would've probably hated them and I wouldn't be who I am now. Their children are someone who mirror their parents after all.

If I wasn't born in a poor environment and lived a luxury life instead. I'll think the world revolves around me and just become the ugly version of myself. This doesn't apply to everyone, but to me, I know it does. I know myself better than anyone, more than my mom and dad after all.

However, there's also the thought that God would've saved me in my every life, I mean that's how He works after all.

[youngdumbdisciple]

Being Different

//confused about liking the same gender or not

It's quite confusing isn't it? Having changes in life? Getting used to something you're comfortable with, and confident in, only to have it be different the next day. I am sure that I like men. Especially, as a woman of faith, growing up in a religious household I never thought in my whole existence that I'd like the same gender. Not. Even. Once.

I've always found men attractive, whether it be my favorite male character in a book or in a cartoon series I watched. I like looking at handsome faces online, whether it be from a kpop band, a celebrity crush or a stranger. It was just a matter of my preference.

But how did something so different, made me find it so attractive?

During my junior high school years, In this specific year, in this specific class I met someone, a girl. When I first met her I really thought that the way she talked and acted was cute, she was also beautiful, but leaning towards the cute side. She was significantly smaller than me, but not too small to the point I'd hurt my neck. I genuinely wanted to be friends with her because she seemed so genuine and happy all the time. And after getting to know her more we became close friends. I guess it was because of our similar interests and opinions, and at the time we spent many times together talking all the time in class as she was in front of my seat. Everyday after school we'd always stay together and have talks near the stairs with a huge window before one of us goes home. It ended up being a normal routine. Something I looked forward to everyday.

That one place in the school ended up being the the most memorable space for me.

In order to protect her real name, let's call her Josephine. Now, as sweet as she looks and sounds, she was also the source of many gossips and as funny as that can be, it's true. I'd always hear stories about other people coming from her mouth that I wasn't really sure it was true or not. But, what I loved most about talking with her was about her life. She was open with things that happened and things that she wished had happened, because of this I was also able to open up to her about a lot of things. I slowly noticed that I was able to express myself better and better.

Josephine was special, a special friend, yes, atleast at first it did seem like that. But there came a point in our time together that I started looking at her differently. I started thinking about how wonderful she is; covering all her imperfections when at times she'd talk bad about people, I ignored it and I remembered about how attracted I was to the way she laughed, smiled and even walked.

Of course, I'm not the only one who saw her beauty, guys would ask for her number and tell her that she's attractive. Whenever I noticed that and was with her I somehow felt the need to protect her.

This feeling didn't feel real at times, I'd confuse myself with romantic love and friendship love whenever I was with her. And at one point in my life I started hating myself for even thinking about liking her. I always put it in my mind that 'I grew up in a religious family' and 'this is wrong'

The humiliation I felt at that time in my life made me sick.

Now, I don't have anything against the LGBTQ+ I respect the community and I have become real close friends to the people who belong in that community. I tell you that when I say that they were always the most open, strong and confident of all the people I met, it is true. I love them for that with all of my heart. They were an example I needed to become.

I thought about kissing Josephine, but it just felt so wrong, was I really confusing romantic love with friendship love? She was so different from all the friends I've met, and so far the most I enjoyed spending my time with. I felt jealous whenever she spent time with her significant other. I felt great when I comfort her and help her with anything she needs, a touch of her shoulder or back when she's crying always made me feel like I really wanted to be with her always.

I opened up to this about my mother.

She, well, let's say I expected it, in the clearest way possible, she told me that I was just confused.

Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. But no matter what the answer, what she told me back then really hurt me. It was a very short conversation that we had and I just ended up accepting her words, letting me be alone with my thoughts all over again. Getting confused over my sexuality, thinking about those times me and Josephine spent together, how many happy memories we'd made together.

After that year when we were classmates,  we never talked to each other again, maybe it was because we weren't classmates, maybe it was the distance of not being in the same room, maybe we got tired of each other or maybe it was because we just used each other as comfort back then. I. Don't. Know.

Did I really love her romantically or was it just pure friendship love?

I didn't know the answer back then and up until now that I've graduated I still don't know.

However, whatever it was, I'm still honestly glad that I met her. She changed me in so many ways that even she probably didn't notice. And I love her for that.

1:18 AM June 7 2022 today, but the thoughts I had of this was when I was in junior high which was in 2019.

[youngdumbdisciple]

I hate myself

//My experience as a middle child; as a daughter and sister

No matter how hard i try, inside of me everything just piles up and it keeps going up to the very top; the angerness, stuborness, pride, selfishness. I've always been like this and I never let it show outside. I'm not the daughter they want.

I keep suffocating and I keep wanting to drown myself whenever I'm being lectured, or being talked into the sense of my whole being, that is expected that I shoulde be atleast close to perfect.

I want to do the right thing God wants me to do, to love, to be patient, to be gentle but being the person I am, I can't control it and I end up doing the opposite. Whenever I'm alone with myself with my thoughts thinking about the wrong ways I've acted around my parents and siblings, it clots my throat until water comes out of my eyes, aware that I am unable to do the correct thing. Not ever.

I have tried different things to fix myself, but no matter what I do I feel like if I keep trying to fix myself I'm not being true to myself and I only end up hurting myself. (Not in the physical way but, emotionally and mentally).

When can I come to an agreement with myself that I should stop hating on the way I was born? Apparently, I can't, because I do hate myself, I hate being unable to do something useful, I hate not being able to be the daugher, the sister they should and deserved to have.

The way I talk, think, and act impulsively wthout thinking a second that I could be badly hurting my parents and siblings. I hated my every decisions.

I don't want to die.

But I dont want to live like this either.

I feel suffocated everyday and everynight I go to bed, I lay awake thinking about the things I shouldn't and should've done. Though time do pass, I never change. A whole year I've been wrecking everything whether I talk or don't because in the end my actions still show. I've always been a brat since I was a kid and that was the only thing that never changed. I feel a deep sense of disappointment in myself for not trying even harder to change.

I keep swearing in my mind the life I keep living not being able to be a happy daughter to my parents, a good role model to my younger brother and a loving sister to my older sister. I have good grades, talented if I'm going to brag, I can sing, cook and draw in-between average and professionally skills. Trying so hard to make them proud, but I ended up being so proud of myself instead.

I hate myself I feel incomplete, destroyed and hurt. I feel like I'm being trampled everyday by my parents with their words, I feel so little all the time, though I know they mean no harm by it and that love only comes out of their mouth but, I myself as an imperfect person translate their words as hateful. And honestly, I can't fully understand what I'm supposed to do anymore. All the time I'm drowning in my thoughts and water fills my head and it becomes dark and full that I sometimes would rather not think anymore and just sleep forever because it hurts.

And When I do finally wake up, nothing changes, I'm still me.

Still i have hope. I love God  and I want to live by doing what He wants of me. To love Him, myself, others and most importantly my family.

Everytime I say "I love God" it gives me so much joy, and flutters in my stomach. My chest is lifted up, my mind and body is at ease and uknowingly I smile for the first time at the thought of Him since this whole message I've written.

I can change, I am still willing. No matter how many times it takes i can be a perfect yet imperfect child.

God its so hard.

3:00 AM May 2022, Revised at June 7 2022.

[youngdumbdisciple]

What counts as a bestfriend?

//My experience of being in a group of three friends

I’m probably getting a speed record as to how many emotions I’m going through right now. I had made many friends and had been close with different types of people, and I’ve already experienced what it feels like to be separated from them. The years I spent living in my hometown switching so many schools, I always felt that I didn’t need to be attached to anyone as I would end up leaving anyway. Years passed and I transferred to another country and spent years in a different school and environment. Apparently, I lied to myself back then because I still ended up being attached to a certain person.

In my first two years of junior high, I made a close friend but not exactly a friend who I can comfortably call everyday without worrying that I disturb them. We had similar interests and don’t get me wrong I enjoy their company but I didn’t feel we were what you’d call ‘best of friends’. Moving on to the next, I was able to have a group of friends who I can talk to almost everyday, but always felt insecure to talk about my worries and problems to them as I felt that it would make them think less of me. Some of them had teased me a lot and had hurt my feelings without them knowing. And I still prefer to keep it that way, though I still love them all very much and talk up until this very day. Another friend had made me feel as if they were truly my best friend, I was able to open up to them and she did the same too. However, I felt something about her quite different from all of my friends, but that’s another story. In the end, we only kept our friendship whenever we were only classmates one year passed and she never talked to me again.

Just when I’ve finally found a true best friend for me, it isn’t requited, she connects with another person even maybe deeper than what we have. For the sake of my privacy and hers, I’ll call her ‘Rose’ I have spent every bit of my time with her for about more than 3 years playing games together 24/7, having calls almost everyday, sharing common interests and for the first time I’m able to open up to someone for the longest time. She meant a whole lot to me and I honestly couldn’t imagine she could also be having this same thought to someone else.

One thing I’ve noticed about her though is how she doesn’t open up about serious things, unlike I do. I’ve told her most of my deepest secrets yet she doesn’t and sometimes I feel as if she’s a stranger nowadays as I have realize I don’t know much about her the way I thought I did.

Rose has another friend that she connects with and for the sake of privacy again let’s call them 'Allie’. Rose introduced us to each other a long time ago thinking it was a good idea to introduce both of us her close friends. We were absolute polar opposites me and Allie, I found Allie intimidating, strong yet vulnerable. We became friends, but I don’t think we would have if it weren’t for Rose.

They have known each other longer than I did with Rose. They probably have more memorable memories, than Rose and I did. The more I saw they spent time together, I felt like something was being taken away from me and yes I realize she isn’t a thing but she was deeply important to me. Keep in mind that no one else can replace the spot Rose made in my heart, however, I also did not want to take away Rose from Allie as I can tell how much they loved her whether it was platonic or not.

Soon enough we got to a time where we all were comfortable with each other, but I swear that I mean it at how difficult it is to have a group of 3 friends, surely one will feel left out, and in the end it did happen. Allie felt left out as Rose and I were spending most of our time together. Problems arose because of that and Allie and Rose, Me and Allie stopped talking. At first Rose and I wondered why,  and tried to do something but did not do anything worthy of praise about it. Around 3 months passed and nearing our graduation, with Allie’s determination to set things right, they confronted us and soon enough we were all friends again. I admired Allie for that, it was something I could never ever do. All three of us promised that when one is feeling left out they would open up about it, so that our friendship would work.

Yeah no that didn’t work out.

I did end up feeling left out, opened up about it. We felt the 'moment’ and we ended up spending time together, a 'date’ the three of us, and it was honestly one of the most memorable moments in my life. After that I looked forward to Vacation as it is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year (except for birthdays and Christmas’s), where I enjoying spending time with my family, and friends. Notice the word “supposed” because nothing hurts more than not being involved in all the time they spent together privately, without inviting me.

They’ve kept quiet about having matching rings when I mentioned that I wanted the 3 of us to have it on the day we had our 'date’ finding out the next week after the 'date’, they both already had it for who knows how long.

My supposed to “best friend” sends me screenshots of them taking pictures sending it to each others, showing me that they are in a call together in their own private discord. I know that as a friend I should let her do whatever she wants in her life, talk with those close to her, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t be hurt by those things as we ourselves haven’t even talked for the longest time.

I mean it when I say that I tried so hard not to care, I focused on reading (got to finally read the selection series, I loved it), I spent more time with my churchmates having sleepovers with them constantly and honestly I loved every moment I spent with them, I hate to think that I used them as a scapegoat from Rose and Allie. I got into baking again and learnt geography because I’m dumb.

On one of my sleepovers, I got a message from Rose, 3 AM, she was still up. I opened it realizing how much I loved talking to her, only for her to shove it to my face that she and Allie were in their own private discord and are at a call with Allie at the moment. I did not ask to see that and had never asked. Now, I do not swear, especially since I grew up in a religious household, but in-between that moment I heard myself inside thinking 'I don’t give a f*ck’ so loud to the point I thought that my churchmate heard it.

Again and again no matter how hard I try to run away from it, it always comes back to taunt me that my best friend is connecting with another person who knew her deeper than me. I pretend to not care and I prefer to keep this thought inside of me so that no one gets hurt. When I make calls with Rose I don’t mention it to Allie, when I make calls with Allie I don’t mention it to Rose. I did not want both of them to get hurt, I wanted to spend my time with them equally and fairly. I try so hard everyday making sure that no one is being left out, only to realize I feel left out myself.

We’ve talked about going to college, me and my best friend.

At first our dream was to go to the same college together, somewhere far from our home country and residency, get a dorm, be roommates and enjoy college life and experience new things. Yet, I feel like plans are changing and I have no clue as she isn’t updating me. Yes of course, I still pray for this dream. Although sometimes I feel she’s just forcing herself to go to the same college as me just because I talked about it and how much I wanted us to be roommates. I keep asking her if she’s really sure and if she says she is, I should trust her, but honestly that’s such hard thing to believe. I just want what’s best for her and not to regret anything. The same thing I want for me.

I know I shouldn’t even have the thoughts of being upset with Rose spending more time with Allie than me, but truly it is true when I say that she has placed a  special place in my heart, not as a lover, not as a friend, not as a family but something else. Don’t get me wrong, I am straight and I always will be, I prefer men. I see her as my maid of honor who will attend and plan my wedding, an Aunt to my future children who can spoil them, and a bestfriend until with me to the end, still talking about how hot 2D men are.

Though for her I just realized that best friend isn’t the quite the right word, and so is soul mate. Its in-between those two words, yet there isn’t a word that exists for it. I pray and hope soon that I can rid of this mind of mine. And focus on the things even more important.

Once again another sleepless night, at 2:16 AM June 5 2022. Revised at 9:32 PM June 6 2022.