yourgoldicocks-blog

[yourgoldicocks-blog]

Part 7: Dickmatized and DayDreaming

It has been a WEEKEND girls and gays. Where does a young hoe even begin? 

Friday: I got off work, headed home to prep the facilities. Shaved my legs, which we all know happens once in a blue moon. Checked under the hood, good to go no more period amigos. Friday I went out with my guuuuuurl Alexis, I got too drunk of course and ended up throwing up almost the entire night lol classic HOC. My HS bf and our friends showed up at the bar we were at and it was... odd. It was kind of fun and good in a nostalgic way, but definitely put me off center. Any Hoosier, even after puking all night i still made out with my HS boyfriend and texted all my others hoes “gn”.

Saturday: I was That Bitch™. I woke up early hungover as frick, went shopping and spent the day with another main homie, Jess.  CBA is the hungover MOOOOOVE it was so good this ad is not #sponsored but if they wanna sponsor me i’ll be very glad. Saturday night I was supposed to go on a date with my ex/current drug dealer. BUT he was too busy making drop offs? Like ok SIR. SO i got all dressed up I looked so DAMN CUTE new clothes and everything. He invited me over to “smoke and chill” later and I was like FUCK some smoke and chill I look too god damn cute for that. I WANT ROMANCE. I WANT TO BE WINED AND DINED AND SIXTY NINED GOD DAMNIT. So I was trying to make moves and go out but I ended up smoking and chilling with Alexis for a minute. We’re high as FORK, decide to go to McDonald’s i’m like hell yes I am going to mess up some fries and diet coke. We’re waiting forever for our food and we’re about to pull up and #1 zaddy texts me “hey wanna grab a drink”. I really need a surname for him, I really almost keep typing his name and my mens’s will be anonymous, even if y’all wanna speculate.

Now the only place this mans and I have been outside of his apartment is Taco Bell, but he’s still my #1 i don’t know if it’s that good dick, our conversations or What Those Fingers Do but I’m smitten. I’m like fuck I gotta leave these fries and GET THAT DICK. So I go to meet him out at a bar and his whole best friend group is there like???? Did I accidentally mark Relationship instead of Dick on the application. Any Hoosier, I go to meet his friends and him at the bar and they love me, OBVIOUSLY, I’m a Cool Chick™. Men have such narrow images of women that the fact that I smoke weed, drink beer and watch Rick and Morty is all the convincing that they need. I always mention those things, it’s just good marketing to be honest. On top of that, this mans is putting his arms around me and touching me. Intimacy is one of the many Issues of Hoconnell™. 

We go back to his place and smoke with his friends for like an hour. It was actually p cute he wouldn’t eat the pizza in front of me because he knows I can’t have gluten, but the moment I went to the bathroom he ate it and told me when I got back because he felt bad lmao. Finally he’s like “Hey guys uh I think we’re gonna head to bed” and I’m like YAAAAS Zaddy whisk me away to pound town. Internally, of course. We fool around and it is AMAZING like woweee wow wow it is crazy how Dickmatized™ this man has me. I tried to get a second round but he was too tired to which I reply, “le sigh”. He also rolled me a joint and gave it to me to take home the next morning -- I feel like a hooker but in a fun way. We woke up and made out for a while in the morning but I had plans so I had to head home. Now, we barely talk outside of this and I know he’s a fuckboy so I need to have sex with someone else this weekend and also stop staying over.

Sunday was a whole different clusterfuck, but alas I am too tired to head into that right now. Maybe tomorrow. Love yall. GN

[yourgoldicocks-blog]

Part 6

Whoa. I just made out with my drug dealer/ex-drug dealer (he’s cleaning up his act and giving up dealing to focus on his day job, just not yet?). Any hoosier, so we made out. He kissed me the moment I got in the car which I loved. I love love LOVE when a man is direct and makes the first move. I will do it a lot, but it’s a huge turn on when the guy makes the move for the first kiss.  We made out for like 5 minutes. It was HOT. Things were getting moisty. He ended up giving me the cartridge for $20 less than he was selling them for, and boy do I love a pussy whipped man. Probably going to have to keep this one on the leash for a hot minute. He seems like the type about the chase and I love a good game. Toodles for now, I’m too stoned for this business.

[yourgoldicocks-blog]

Oh Shit, Whaddup

I forgot to tell ya’ll. I deleted Hinge and Tinder. I am sick of men and I want them ALL to leave me alone. At least this week hehe.

[yourgoldicocks-blog]

Part 5: A Messy Detour

It’s period week and y’all know what the fuck is up!!!! I am moody as a motherfucker and it seems all of my anger this week is aimed at men. I cancelled all of my dates and men in general. I cannot explain it. I made that decision as of late Tuesday after a particularly weird “date”. This guy seemed like picture perfect. He’s 29, Jewish, tall as fuck, attractive and did I mention Jewish yet? Plus, he was a very interesting person. He works for Salesforce and lived in a great apartment. Oh right, how did I end up at his apartment? SO this MF invites me over to smoke and then go out for food. Of course he decides will order in whatever I DON’T CARE as long as i’m fed. Then, things got weird. He was a self-proclaimed loner, huge over-sharer, super negative about himself and had major ADD. Quite possibly a pathological liar but I’m not a therapist so who knows. On top of all that, he would not stop talking about how into me it was -- like to a weird extent. He’d keep saying “You’re so pretty”, “You’re so cool and fun to talk to” or You have such a good body”. It was weird I don’t know he just came on so strong. Anyways I made out with him a little showed him my nipple piercing you know the deal. He wanted to cuddle and shit but I am currently on sabbatical from intimacy BUT IT SEEMS TO BE ALL MEN WANT FROM ME. I had a date scheduled for today and then another scheduled tomorrow because I am over men this week. I’m spending time with my girlfriends, doing open mics, taking care of things for ME. Buuuuut who knows what the weekend will hold for non-period Haley. 

To my friends who actually read this -- I love you guys, you keep me young.

To my 0 follows -- stay tuned stans 

[yourgoldicocks-blog]

Part 4: The Beginning

I have a big week coming up. For the first time in a while I have no plans, which means that I will be going on a lot of dates with Hinge daddies and my coworker who asked me out.

Firstly, I boned zaddy from Part 2 on Friday. FINALLY put out. I think it was a bad idea seeing the same guy two weekends in a row. I think I am catching feelings and I need some lysol or SOMETHING to keep that shit away. It is SUMMER, no time for settled down shit. Any hoosier, the SEX: it was good. I’m such a douchebag because I hate using condoms and now that i’m single again I MUST. It was good and the foreplay is amazing, but I’m not sure I’d even put him in my top five in terms of sex. 

We stayed up until 3 AM talking and smoking and talking and watching TV. In the morning we woke up around 9 and he asks me “Do you wanna smoke some dabs?” to which I replied, “Only if I can get some dick with that.” I do not know how to act chill, evidently. TBH, men love it. We just vibe so well that I need to stay away or I’ll end up marrying him.

[yourgoldicocks-blog]

On God

I get sick all the time because I have large tonsils and I want to get them out but I’m terrified because what if I develop a gag reflex and can’t deep throat like a queen anymore 😭😭😭

[yourgoldicocks-blog]

Part 3: Back on My Bullshit with No End in Sight

Oh my lanta I am fully and wholly back on my bullshit!!!! Single Haley is here to fuck around. I met a new daddy today who’s very interested in me — 31, Jewish, hot as fuck and most importantly full of compliments for me. It’s made me forget about daddy from Saturday who does not pay me nearly enough attention. I get that they have “jobs” and “hobbies” and “other friends” but cmon I just want undying devotion and never ending attention. Anyways stay tuned to find out who I fuck this weekend!!! I don’t even know yet so we’ll both be surprised.

[yourgoldicocks-blog]

Part 2: A REAL MANS

This boy has got me fuuuuuucked all the way up. I met up with my first guy ever from a dating app. Holy shit he is like the male version of me and as we all know I am in love with myself. I went over his apartment at 11:40 PM so we all knew what the fux was up. I came over “to smoke and hang” lol. C’mon homeboy. I thought he was going to be so vanilla, straight white bread boring. We immediately started cracking jokes and cuddling and he goes “we have a nice rapport” and i’m like okay YAAAS excellent use of rapport. So we smoke and just talk and vibe for so long and finally I make a move for the kiss and just wow. Such a good kisser. There is something so special that you have to appreciate about a good kisser in a man. Women ALWAYS kiss well, but men are so hit or miss. So we’re making out and I don’t know why but I was like just so you know I don’t fuck the first time I meet someone and he’s like okay i respect that. I was like, okay so let’s go to the bedroom and fool around then damn. So we do. Girls and gays let me tell you, it was some good dick. I didn’t take the dick!!!!! I just sucked on it a bit oops. But it was a good dick. His fingerbanging was A1 on point like best I’ve ever encountered. I was about to propose. He’s all like you should stay over and I don’t LOVE staying over in men’s homes. Every male home is a frat house, no matter what. No thanks. So then we were talking about how stoned and hungry we are and he was like i’m gonna get food and I was like cool what are you getting US and he was like what do you want. So we go to the nearest taco bell which is a cantina. It’s 3AM. The security guard looks terrified. I can guarantee the cashier was on crack. It was chaos. So we’re there from three to four AM. It’s so late we finally get our tacos, i say politely “Thank you, daddy”. He adjusts his pants. Then we head back to eat more taco bell and get MORE high. I call myself an uber and we make out every spare second that we have until the uber arrives. He let out this adorable little yelp “don’t leave”. I was hoping I was pregnant and we didn’t even have sex. Anyways now i’m like okay so why isn’t he texting me and snapchatting me more like I am DICKMATIZED. Anyways say a prayer to Rihanna that he dicks me down sometime this week.

Also, my breakup and dating life has been amazing for my stand up i am THRIVING.

[yourgoldicocks-blog]

Part 1: The Breakup

My ex boyfriend and i have broken for about two and a half weeks now. We dated for a year and a half and mostly had a wonderful relationship. We just were both living different lives and in different cities and it wasn’t working right now. I hate dealing with my feelings and jesus crust do I have a lot of them. So, I’ve been dealing with it the way I find easiest: smoking a ton of weed and talking to a ton of men. A little background information, over the last 2 years I’ve lost 50 pounds and now I’m kind of a skinny betch (thankfully I wasn’t always hot so I had to develop an excellent personality). The morning after we broke up I downloaded the holy trifecta of dating apps: hinge, tinder and bumble. Immediately, the DMs FLOODED. Especially as my old hoes began to find out I was no longer in a relationship. One old hoe in particular had been knocking at my door for the last few weeks. So I had some trashy rebound sex with my high school boyfriend, WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE. Boy is desperately in love with me and it breaks my heart because he’s a good friend, but I got out of my relationship to be single and date myself so I am not looking to settle down any time soon. In this essay I will, chronicle my chaotic and embarrassing life for the entertainment of others and for my eventual memoirs. I’m going to be a famous comedian some day and you’ll be like wow she was a HOE.

[yourgoldicocks-blog]

The Beginning

I need a place to write about my dating adventures and poor choices as part of a, como se dice, diary. Even better, I can do it here anonymously and maybe it’ll brighten people’s lives as well.