yournameengraved

[yournameengraved]

riding home, listening to LANY:

“they don’t make ‘em like you anymore”

started thinking of how, if i was someone’s partner, i’d give my utmost effort to loving them. i could see myself giving to the relationship – cooking lunch so he won’t have to spend exorbitant amounts outside, packing a care pack, listening to them on “those” days.

being a partner who’s good with friends, close to his family, is someone who people look at and go “damn, he’s one lucky guy”.

in another life, maybe.

i’ve never had any of this. i wonder what it’s like to be surprised with flowers (tho i think it’s a waste of money), have my hand held, a warm shoulder i could lean on. the slow but knowing batting of eyelids across the room, being held softly and tenderly even when we’re in a crowded room. having the last bite of my favourite food saved for me, a surprise protein drink or a silly grocery shopping detour after a day out.

the deep, unmet wish all my life to be loved truly, wholly. no doubts, no “there’s someone else”, no sudden “drop”. no “this will end soon”, no need for “i’ve to be on my guard always”.

to just rest, be easy, at peace. a safe, steady love. (i know i will say jesus has that kind of love haha i believe it though). yeah, not sure why i’ve suddenly been forced to face all this amidst a tiring third day back in school.

do you remember when i cooked that kimchi fried rice for you? it was a long time ago. i said “in case you skip your meal”. i did it because i really did love you, and i was just hoping you’d love me too. even though what we shared was built on dishonesty. it was wrong. it’s paradoxical then, to still love and remember this feeling enduring.

yeah, just some processing so i won’t feel like i’m gonna explode. a difficult feeling all my life. i think those who’ve been blessed with a relationship, you guys are really lucky, to me. please never take that for granted.

[yournameengraved]

This was too cruel to be true. Yet it happens that we discount at evening something too cruel to believe, only to discover the next morning that it is indeed true.

— Jiří Karásek, A Gothic Soul

[yournameengraved]

i wonder how people get this right, this thing called love. how they seem to find another so easily, another who is willing to choose them. and it happens so often, just at any whim and fancy.

i always felt there was something wrong with me, the sheer fact that no one made that choice. rather, i was always the one who made it first, and maybe, hopefully not, but i always tell myself, out of pity they chose me for that short moment too.

it just… feels like something i never got right. something i never will get right. and honestly, it sucks.

for being told i’ve many admirable qualities, i guess this isn’t one of them.

it is a difficult truth to swallow. a difficult reality to face now and forever.

i wonder if i’ll ever get it right. deep down, i wish i could know what being loved this way feels like. but i also know i won’t, my brain just registers it that way…

it’s probably why i only like people who i know won’t like me back. just to always remind myself i can’t be loved. i think you were one of the first who said you liked me. one of three people, in 28 years of my life hahaha. is that a bad track record?

[yournameengraved]

Stephanie Foo, What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

[yournameengraved]

Maya C. Popa, from Wound is the Origin of Wonder: Poems: “Wound is the origin of wonder”

[yournameengraved]

Maya C. Popa, from Wound is the Origin of Wonder: Poems: “All inner life runs at some delay”

[yournameengraved]

— Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

[yournameengraved]

Warsan Shire, from "For Women Who Are Difficult to Love"

[yournameengraved]

photo: @francescasaffari on instagram

[yournameengraved]

— Virginia Woolf

[yournameengraved]

[yournameengraved]

two weeks on, a drunken stupor and unintended outcome of what was meant to be a simple night of bringing myself out on a date.

the impact of our interaction lingers. of course, i would expect it not to for you. just because you’re a guy (and i judge 27 year old guys and beyond).

this will just be a distant memory one day. an unexpected tenderness, softness and natural chemistry. i wouldn’t say i share this with many people. let alone an acquaintance from my JC days, whose name was only heard time and again because of other batch mates.

i… still of course remember the feeling i held after. just like my therapist said, it’s meant to indicate the level of freedom, silliness and comfort i’d want to share with someone (if i ever find myself dating again). i just never expected it to be with you.

the memories are becoming slightly foggy now. i think it’s for the better. it’ll make a funny story to tell. (i feel that it could’ve made more serendipitous)

maybe after our interaction, i understood and appreciated the concept of fate and 因缘 more. because i felt it with you. and of course, the few others who i feel like i’d known in my lifetimes before this.

i hope you’ll take care, W. it really would’ve been a good story, us. i hope we both go on to create even better stories for ourselves.

[yournameengraved]

[yournameengraved]

[yournameengraved]

— Arthur Miller, The Crucible

[yournameengraved]

— Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes from Underground

[yournameengraved]

Li-Young Lee, from “From Blossoms”, Rose