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yusangluisme · 3 days ago

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Re-Defining NPD Words

because for fuck's sake, our symptoms should describe how we experience them, not how you do.

Relationship Burn-Out, not Discarding. Shame Redirect, not Narc Rage. Supply Drought, not Hoovering.

Another reason redefining these words is important is because the original words are descriptions for actions while the new ones are descriptions for feelings, and not everyone acts on these feelings the same way.

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Don't Use Discarding

Discarding is described as when someone with NPD finds that their partner's supply no longer "feels enough", they ignore them on purpose as punishment.

focuses on the NT's feelings rather than the pwNPD

implies that everyone with NPD reacts to symptoms in the same, inherently abusive way

a lot of pwNPD don't even relate

implies NPD is a choice rather than an illness that stems from trauma

Use Relationship Burn-Out

Relationship burn-out is when for any reason (excessive masking, spending too much time together, lack of supply, etc.) you may feel worn-out in a relationship. It may cause feelings of over-stimulation, exhaustion, and irribility. It may also cause compulsions to self harm, isolate, start arguments, and abandon the relationship.

focuses on how the pwNPD feels

opens the door for solutions

points out that feeling this way isn't because others around them "aren't enough", but because this is their response to stress

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Don't Use Narc Rage*

Narc Rage describes an uncontrollable rage someone with NPD might feel. It happens at random and used often in response of being unable to control others.

implies that a very broad emotion will inherently lead to a specific response

implies that all pwNPD have the same goal: control over their loved ones

often seen as "the main part of NPD", when NPD can manifest in multiple other ways

*feel free to still use this term if you have NPD and feel like this accurately describes your situation

Use Shame Redirect

A big part of NPD is that we feel a higher amount of shame than the average person, and we feel it much more intensely and more easily as well. The shame is often redirected into anger, but it can also be redirected into other actions and feelings such as; insecurity, addictions, isolation, crying fits, irritability, and more.

pinpoints the reason behind the redirected shame

desrigmatizes a common symptom by defining it by our inner feelings rather than abusive behavior

^^ and by destigmatizing a symptom, it's easier to admit to having it and feel less shame when working through it

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Don't Use Hoovering

Hoovering is usually used to describe both NPD and BPD. It's described as emotionally black mailing someone into giving them (the pwNPD) supply or validation by pretending that they have changed into a better person or by acting vulnerable/pitiful. It's often noted that ignoring hoovering will drive the "hooverer" into acting out in worse ways.

Is often used against the pwNPD (or pwBPD) as an excuse to ignore their boundaries & needs and then accuse them of abuse when they get understandably upset over it.

Implies that a pwNPD will always resort to abusive behavior when feeling neglected

takes a pwNPD when they're in a moment of vulnerability and makes them seem unreasonable

Use Supply Drought (or whatever you would prefer to use, because I made up supply drought on the spot 😅)

pwNPD usually have difficulty defining their identity, and therefore many struggle with defining their true wants and needs in a relationship. On the other hand, some pwNPD are very in touch with their sense of self and have very specific wants and needs. Both of these things (mixed with how easily something can impact our self esteem) can leave you feeling neglected by the people around you. It can cause you to hurt yourself, attempt to change who you are, and force yourself to do things you're uncomfortable with in order to receive validation. It can also make you hurt the people around you without realizing.

helps show how complex the situation really is

again, opens the door for a solution

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Something To Note

these are just words I prefer to use and words I prefer people use with me

not everyone with NPD will prefer these words or even relate to these words

if you have NPD and don't like these words, you don't have to use them

I'll probably use a word different from "Supply Drought" once I think of one

Word Definitions

NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder

pwNPD - person/people with NPD

Supply- the type of unique validation, support, and love pwNPD may seek that directly affects their self esteem (not everyone with NPD relates to this)

NT - neurotypical (someone with the average neurological brain functioning)

__________

Okay that's all I've got to say about that!

I really, really want to work on redefining NPD symptoms to describe how we experience them rather than how other people experience them! This is what I've got! If anyone else with NPD wants to add anything go ahead!

Oh and one more thing, no symptoms are inherently abusive. But, some people do still insist on using them as an excuse to hurt others. If you hurt someone using your symptoms then you must apologize, you mustn't use them as an excuse, and you must take responsibility.

Here's a link to the version without the words and just the pictures!

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yusangluisme · 4 days ago

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I want to break down a common point of conflict when addressing NPD stigma.

A lot of hangups people have tend to be along the lines of "but I DO see a lot of people with actual NPD who are acting in toxic or abusive ways".

This will be kind of long, so bear with me.

Point #1: People are way more likely to be diagnosed if they exhibit "stereotypical" symptoms.

There's this image of NPD as a disorder that is only present in those with patterns of destructive behavior towards others. Many therapists have this conception. (Shockingly, the mental health field is not perfect & without stigma.)

Gonna copy-paste this here from my other blog (so forgive me if you've seen it before), because it's a good example.

Three people are criticized at work. Their boss yells at them for their performance in front of everyone. Person A gets mad and defensive. They yell back, using cutting remarks as a way to try and ease the distress they feel. Person B acts really mature and responsible the whole time, nodding along and agreeing and promising to do better, just desperate to maintain and improve their status. Desperate to be liked. Later they go home and handle their distress through self-destructive means, and spend the next few months overworking themself to the point of illness. Person C doesn't seem to respond much at all. They go quiet and seem distant. They don't lash out or lash in, but for the next month or so, their productivity drops. They simply aren't able to focus on work or self-care, no matter how hard they try. The stress is overwhelming. All three of these people have the same root issues, but only the first would be labeled a narcissist. Outwards behaviors and presentations don't reflect the pain, distress, and difficulties with life that are underlying them.

So, three main things happen.

There ends up being a higher rate of people with destructive behaviors who are diagnosed with NPD

The people who don't particularly exhibit behaviors and are considered ""too nice to have it"" are overlooked entirely (and never get any sort of help for their underlying issues, yayyy)

People are more likely to be more honest about "ugly" symptoms / symptoms that are frowned down upon than they are in other mental health communities.

(Also some people decide to act super edgy about it, which is annoying but here we are. Some of them are trolls.)

(And while I'm at it, some people are misdiagnosed with NPD because a psych sees someone who committed a violent crime and is like "uhh slap them with the Evil Asshole™ disorders!! no further thought given.")

Point #2: People who have messed up are not inhuman monsters who deserve no help or support

While I do think it's important for people to understand that patterns of toxic behaviors aren't the ONLY way NPD can present, I'm not going to let the conversation stop at "some of us are nice though!!"

Human beings aren't RPG characters who can be sorted into "monster" or "ally". Every single person has done something hurtful, has messed up, exhibits some sort of behavior that puts strain on their relationships sometimes.

So I'll bullet point some aspects of this that need to be talked about.

People without NPD also commonly exhibit toxic behaviors, but people ignore that nowadays. Either they armchair diagnose anyone who's slightly rude, or they only focus on it in pwNPD and ignore it in themselves or others. NTs can be jerks too, and they're probably less likely to acknowledge it than pwNPD who are constantly watching and checking themselves and analyzing their behaviors and attempting to do better.

Assuming that NPD makes someone abusive doesn't help anyone. Can it impact behaviors, and make it more difficult for people to be self-aware? Of course. But an important step in healing from any mental health condition (especially personality disorders, ime) is realizing that you're not inherently ""bad"", and that you can take responsibility for your actions and learn to deal with things in constructive ways. Just going "NPD makes people bad, full stop"- other than being a mean shitty thing to say- absolves people of guilt and asserts that there's no reason for them to try and improve.

Yes, it's okay for people to hate their abusers. Their abuser. Not an entire community of people who happen to (maybe) share a trait with them.

Building on the above point, people tend to go in defense mode when they hear things like "pwNPD who have acted in toxic ways can learn to improve their behavior", "people shouldn't be saying awful things about folks with this condition", etc. because they automatically try to apply this to their abuser. Interpersonal situations are very different from society-wide mental health access. No, don't stay with your abuser expecting them to change, and don't hold onto the hope that they will. No, don't censor yourself or your hatred or anger towards them. Just don't make blanket statements about a disorder that they may or may not have- blame their abusive actions, not their mental health.

"I hate you for your abusive actions and the harm that you caused me." =/= "I hate a group of people because of an inherent unchangeable part of them that's tied directly to severe childhood trauma they suffered. Because of it, they're evil and unlovable and are incapable of change. They're inhuman and will never experience real connection with others." ..........See the difference??

Even if there were a disorder with a 100% rate of toxic douchey behaviors, I'd want the conversation around it to be changed. I'd want different words to be used to divide up the spaces and conversations and resources, so that survivors of abusive or toxic behavior can get help, but that the disorder still has space to be treated. Otherwise, there are zero resources for healing. Nothing is being done to help these people or solve the issue. They're just told they may as well not try. They're blocked from healthcare entirely, despite how the entire point of being diagnosed with a condition is supposed to be to treat it.

There's a wide range of people who have NPD- it presents in many different ways, a person who has it may or may not exhibit harmful behaviors- but no one deserves to be denied treatment or told they're unlovable because of a condition they have that was formed from trauma.

Speak out against abusive behavior. Don't destroy healthcare for a medical condition.

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yusangluisme · 4 days ago

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NPD Resources Masterlist

[BPD]

The official resources masterlist for NPD. Includes all the links I've shared in the past and stuff I haven't.

Any posts I've linked about supporting those with NPD have been put in the misc section because I do not want to take away from what this post is really about, which is helping people with NPD, not the people around them.

Diagnostic criteria

NPD diagnostic criteria, rewritten by someone who has it

Official diagnostic criteria

An explanation of the diagnostic criteria

Recovery resources FOR the narcissist

NPD recovery resources

How to find therapy for NPD, common types of therapy and signs of an abusive/toxic therapist

Narcissist supply

What is narc supply?

Things that can give a narcissist supply

NPD stigma

The perception of NPD symptoms vs. how a narcissist might actually experience them

Why those with NPD have a hard time seeking help (spoiler alert: it's not because they're unaware)

A plea from someone with NPD (and some resources debunking common misconceptions)

Narcissism is not abusive / abuse is abusive

Debunking common myths on NPD

Common disproven myths about NPD

Miscellaneous

How to support someone with NPD

NPD Carrd (What is NPD, dpt skills and self-help)

Unravelling the connection: npd as a trauma response

NPD terminology (do's and dont's)

NPD safe blogs

@empath-abuse-awareness

@enigma-in-reality

@loverofmirage

@the-npd-culture-is

@nicepersondisorder

@theegosystem

@mischiefmanifold

NPD positivity so you don't have to go looking

Reblog to kiss a narcissist on the forehead

Reblog to tell your local narcissist that they're the best ever

Happy NPD appreciation day

Positivity for systems with NPD

Be normal about narcissists unless it's to give them love

NPD should be EPD (Epic Personality Disorder)

Of course I have a praise kink, I have NPD

Narcissists are so beautiful and handsome and wonderful

Positivity for narcissists who like sex

I love my narcissists

Aromantic narcissists are amazing

Narcissists I love you

Easy ways to spot a narcissist (it's not what you think <;3)

Narcissists deserve to be loved

As usual, if something needs to be deleted because it's wrong/comes from a toxic author/etc. please let me know. I tried to look on Google but all I found was ableist shit, so these are all found by your fellow narcissists on tumblr :)

Edit: If you have any resources, please send them to me through an ask or DM and i'll check it out/add it!