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Brand New Eyes
18.02.17
The sermon by Pastor Yang yesterday was one that really struck my heart.
I’ve lived a life full of ups and downs, many times I just wonder how is it possible that I could have such a contrast of things that could happen in my life. I have lived a rich life, my family was rich before and we had so much. We could literally get anything we ask for and lived a good life. We didn't have to worry about our meals or being financially incapable. In the midst of this goodness, unfortunate things happened as well, my dad had another woman overseas, he had a horrible attitude and my family was just lonely and dictated by a fierce man whom we had to submit to even when it hurts. But now, things have turned around, he lost his job, we don't even have a monthly income at times, we had to move to a smaller house and if there’s one thing that didn't change much was still that attitude. Of course, this has to do with his temperament, it wasn’t something I should ever expect a change in.
It has always been a very lonely life, not that I particularly hated it by I lacked joy and love. I didn’t have long friendships and I barely have only a few people whom I called friends. I joined Christianity in the beginning because I thought that I could make do with a few friends who accepted me of my circumstance at that time and now I left the church who couldn’t accept me of my circumstance.
Back when I was in the first few years in the church, I remember that sister Nana used to say this, your life is pretty bad, it’s like a roller coaster ride, always filled with ups and downs. I took that with a bad connotation (because it was) and the result of that was a need to prove that I should live like a good Christian. And when I do live like one, I didn’t feel like I was living, inside I sustained myself by feeding on the expectation of others. So how tough can that be? When I’m a good Christian who only do things that don't cause trouble, I’ll be regarded as a role model. When I’m a bad Christian that does something against the flow, I’m considered hopeless? Or rather, not worth investing. I lived with that literally. I lived with that and teaching others about the hope in Christ that they have, from what I read from the bible, yet not applying it myself until I decided to live real Christianity and eventually stopped living an image acceptable. I’m sharing this because this happened to my family too. I stopped living based on their expectation and I got myself isolated and treated as the second priority.
It was the change that led me to realize the giftings that God has given me.
1. Appreciation and gratefulness
2. Encouragement
3. Lead the lost and not the barely lost to Christ
4. Generosity
It wasn’t overnight that I found out these things but as I progressed in my walk with God, I realized that this was my heartbeat and what I stand for. Despite all that has happened to me and my family, I’ve never taken a single glance off in not celebrating someone or show appreciation and giving generously and when there’s stress at home about finances, I would pray and ask God to provide me so that I could continue to bless others. And He did until shortly after my graduation, I started to see a decline in my finances and it became a point where I had to borrow or work extra hard.
The past few months have been a huge struggle, I had many burdens on me and the root of solving it all was to be financially stable. I didn’t know how I could do it and I wanted to work part time to just get some savings but God said no and that made me confused. This is already around the time when I left the church and found Cornerstone. I knew that Cornerstone was the place to be, everything was right, the pastor’s convictions were on point and the atmosphere was uplifting. The Cell was the same too, I had so many reserves and didn't want to simply give myself out to a new community because of the hurt I received from the previous group but immediately the first time I went there and God just swept through that place and everything changed for me. I found where I wanted to be and be there as who I am made to be.
Everything aligned really timely and I believe this is how God leads me from one place to another because of the things He says to me too. Just on Friday, I got to share about my struggles during cell and it wasn’t even something I could open my mouth about previously because of my position and pressure there, it was like the whole the old has gone and there isn't a need to be held bondage by it anymore and the new has come to guide and teach me again. And during service, pastor shared on generosity and finances and that totally blew me away. In fact during worship that God already spoke to me that it will be intense and I already broken down since then. Pastor shared so many verses that spoke to my heart and I immediately recognized what I needed to sacrifice at the altar for Him to receive. I need to throw away my idea that God is someone who can do this and that but recognize that He is the God who is this and that, the Provider, the Healer, the Messiah and He will do things His way and not mine. And the greatest hope for me is what John 15:5 says that “I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.”
Now I’ve changed, I had a pair of brand new eyes and a conviction to work on. My relationship with God shall no longer be superficial but I learnt what it means when Matthew 6:33 talks about seek His Kingdom and His righteousness first before anything else. Really amazing stuff on Saturday and needed to jot this down.
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There’s so much good things to say about this safehouse of mine. Even when I say nothing at all, you notice the storm in my eyes, the silence in my voice, and the heaviness in my heart (this is waaay too cheesy). You have been an amazing support - praying with and for me, standing by my side, gently (as you claim :P) guiding me with His Word as the foundation of our conversations and exchanges.
Thank you for showing me love through unspoken words.
What I love the most about us is the deep talks and endless topics we have. I love how I can freely talk to you about anything - from nonsensical raves to deep seated heart issues. I know regardless, I can trust you and let you in.
I thank God that He speaks to us about us, the crazily exact things he says to each of us, the grace and anointing He gives us to be where we are…
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
— Colossians 3:14
It has been an amazing journey. There is much clarity of His nature through the ups and downs. The promises that He has given to us that stand firm through the test of time. Unconditional true love, that is humanly impossible, now exist because He who is Love, dwells in us.
A work in progress. That’s who I am. I’m not exactly a fan of “downs”, but hey, no pain and hurt is gone to waste. If it is His Will to mould and refine me through the fire, then so be it. *inserts muscles emoji*
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Never go to bed a single night without knowing, even the lowest part of your soul, that no matter what this world thinks of you, you are deeply loved and deeply known by a God who wants you to know Him and love Him back.
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Don’t let your late night thoughts consume you. You are good enough. You are loved. You are cared for. You are valuable and worthy. You are irreplaceable. You are God’s beautiful and wonderful creation.
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remember your position, there’s nothing you can do.
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