zeroandvoid

[zeroandvoid]

That closed door

Here I stand by your dirty doorstep

I've been here since you left

Did you set yourself free?

Don't you want some company?

Maybe you do, maybe you just don't want me

That's such a violent reality

No one answers when I knock

Even after all these years, your door is still locked

You never gave me the key

You don't even let me in

I am starting to believe

I should have listened to my friends when they said:

"There's nothing behind that closed door you keep crying about

Nothing worth it, anyway."

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

Grief

I start the most mundane task

I only do it because I have to

While I'm doing it I get this feeling

Everybody might be doing it too

I try my best to complete it

But I'm tormented by thoughts

I can only tell my therapist

Tell me, how do you forget to think?

I'm doing something, for a reason

In a certain way, I'm doing it in a place

I have to start this, I have to finish it

I have to be born, to live and to die in it

I can't stop predicting

The end of everything

Every moment is so short

Every moment turns to past

Every moment is so quick and I can never go back

Even the most mundane tasks

Even the most boring jobs

I know I'll miss them one day

I won't miss all of it, but part of it, for sure

At least I will miss who I was when I endured it

I'm missing moments I never lived

And people I never liked

I keep grieving people who haven't died

I keep missing the old me who was unhappy

A distant place and time

Everything I touch always turns into something

With that something death will come

I know that with every beginning

The end is always promised

Inevitably,

Something,

Everything,

Turns to nothing.

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

Binge

I had an empty soul Nothing seemed to move in my chest I lived on an empty stomach Until you filled all my gaps

You gifted me your love You hand fed me faith Until I binged, until I overate All over again

I was hungry, starving for it Begging for any type of feeling Begging for any sign of your love I'm used to living on breadcrumbs

It's either almost nothing Or pretty much everything You never feed me a normal amount But like my mother used to shout I should be grateful for it I should finish my plate

No doubt, I shall lick it like a hound.

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

That same street

My mother used to say:

"Don't talk to strangers, you never know what can happen"

Now many years later I realised strangers are not the issue

I've had to jump out of cars of people I've known for years

I once helped an old lady on the street

I carried her bags and everything

There are bad people everywhere

Luckily for her, at the time, that wasn't me

Later I heard she was robbed on that same street

By someone she has crossed paths before

Someone she has said "Hello" to before

By someone she knew the name of and a thousand stories about

All that knowledge and curiosity

Didn't save her from a damn thing

Because she had let her guard down

She thought everybody would be like me

That same week, I was robbed of time and energy

By someone really close to me

Someone I met many years ago, on that same street

Surprisingly, I still wasn't expecting it

I am not the problem

Nor are the strangers

Nor is the old lady

Or even that crowded street

Truth is, if you allow generosity, or even if you don't

If you're the type to let people in, or even if you won't

Just realise that life is made of risks

Even some you won't know

Until it's too late to do anything

I could probably win the award for the most careful one

Still, what would that be good for?

Truth is, you're always in some kind of danger

This world that I'm no stranger to

Is, and always will be

Random, cruel and crazy

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

The happiest day of my life

When I was a child

I remember, I used to say:

"This is the happiest day of my life"

Multiple times a week

As I was washing my face

And after brushing my teeth

After a few years,

I remember that they used to ask me:

"And if they told you to, would you jump off a cliff too?"

What they didn't know was, I wouldn't hesitate to jump with you

It was just like putting on clothes

Just like getting something to eat

It felt natural to me

Loving you without understanding it

Giving love without understanding you

But somehow, it felt so right

Licking love out of knives when you didn't feed me right

Making everything out of almost nothing

Now talking about you feels like trauma dumping

"This is the happiest day of my life"

I haven't said it in a while

You didn't make me happy, that was all a lie

I wished it was true, because I always tried

Every piece of innocence was poured with every cry

I haven't felt joy, I haven't felt happy in a while

And because of you, every day I wonder:

"Did I already have the happiest day of my life?"

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

One more black and white picture in my old history book

It hurts to breathe

Time goes by so quickly

In the blink of an eye

I went from monsters under my bed

To monsters inside my head

And to monsters laying on it

I can still smell the warm bread I made you

After that night we spent together

Right before our love was found dead

And if you're the one who killed it

Why am I the one losing my head?

It hurts to be here by myself

I keep trying to take my mind out of things

And I've allowed myself to act like a person

It's only been 5 minutes, and it's already enough for me

It hurts too much to feel

You're one more black and white picture in my old history book

That I couldn't help but paint the way I wanted to

Despite everybody telling me not to

But still, when I'm away from you

I forget all the colours, I can't fully see

What's right in front of me

I would have died for somebody who's nothing but a nobody

I should stay alive, even if it's just to tell this sad story

Truth is, everybody's got a thing, and you might be it for me

God, I certainly hope you're not it for me

Everybody's got to feel something

But for now, it hurts to even breathe

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

Black hole

Ostentatious and futile, barely warm

They call me a hollow Sun

My bridges were built to be burnt

I'm a juxtaposition, a graphic contradiction

It's my birth right to be a black hole

It's my birth right to be drained and broken

It's my mission

But I will die, I will kill, trying to make myself whole

Lay your body in here, while I bury mine deep

Lay in your lava bed, while I dig

For hidden, undiscovered gold

I laugh in the face of fear

I dig through a deeper void

Until I find something real

I'm forever faithful and enamored

I'm forever intoxicated by my own core

Don't think I haven't eaten the forbidden fruit

I've already done this, I've seen it all

I know they won't be merciful

I've known the worst

But I know better

And I know to keep on searching for love

All around, up and down

Side to side, door to door

In trash cans, on the solid floor

Through hounted roads, inside confused passengers

Simple similarities or toxic disparagement

In the future or the past

As above, so below

In one more vacant, hollow Sun

Or an unpredictable black hole

I will be open even if it's dangerous

Once again I will experience it

Even if it's treacherous and deadly

Until I suck up everything around me

Or be empty, once again

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

No closure

Like the book you didn't finish

Like a post you left on drafts

Like the wine you didn't drink

Scared you would get too drunk

It's like a half eaten plate of food

You only ate the pieces that weren't good

A sentence left misunderstood

A paper you throw away without folding in two

All these things left unfinished

Like a love we never would

Left it behind like we thought we should

We never risked it, we never could

3 months, 3 years, 3 decades

To figure out what might have been

If we weren't so scared of the reckless

Terrified of change, of the everything

Scared of you, scared of me

Scared of happiness, finally

No patience, no certainty

No closure, no big deal

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

House of death

I punched a hole in the ceiling

My impulsive thoughts won this time

All I wanted was to feel the rain

You were right, once again

I was way too overdramatic

I could've just opened a window instead

I had no malicious intent

But regretting it doesn't change a thing

Now, it's already too late

It was so dusty, it was so dry on the inside

I couldn't feel much for a while

No hearts were broken this time

So I broke something else instead

I just wanted to feel alive in this house of death

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

Fire alarm

Love at first sight

Sparks and blazing on my side

I thought you were the chosen one

The one who must pull the fire alarm

I tried saving you from a dull life

While you tried to save me from my burning mind

But instead, I have put us through hell

Human sacrifice, trying to break my own curse

We ended up with our hearts broken in two

And like a boomerang, everything goes back to the same

Like when we started, I end up in flames again

It must be God's will, or fate's desire

I must be the one to stop my own fire

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

Crossover episode

I used to live life looking from behind the fence

Homewrecker allegations

Always seeking devastation

While still playing solitaire

Now I have my own house, fun and games aside

I don't want you throwing rocks at my window

Falling to your knees, telling me you want to be mine

You can no longer wear the jeans I saw you in last night

I have physical proof of how low I got you this time

Don't worry, I'll promise you something

I won't write about you in any of my books

I won't turn you into a movie

You won't be a character on my tv show

You should go and live your life with the girl next door

She is naive letting you in, but at one point, weren't we all?

You don't belong here, you never did

We were just a crossover episode

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

Fog

High in a cloud of nonsense

This double vision got me wondering

What else is there that I'm not seeing

For you, it's very convenient

What is never won can not be lost

If you don't show yourself completely

If you don't lift the fog once in a while

I can't know you, I can't feel you

How will I ever know if I love you?

Where has your soul been?

This hazy vision got me questioning

I can't see your aura's colour

For you, it's very convenient

You don't want me to perceive you

You're keeping me near, mystified

I don't know if I'm right or wrong

While I struggle to figure you out

I remain here, I'm blindsided

Perhaps I should hate you

Perhaps I even do

You want me to question my intuition, don't you?

I guess I know you're bad, but you got me good

I can't resist a good intrigue

I love the mystery of you

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

Power struggle

I feel bad about it, I do

I never thought it would come to this

I wanted to stay strong and I didn't

I guess treachery is contagious and I couldn't heal it

No, I couldn't heal it in time

I just had to pass it on like the disease it turned out to be

This love was too heavy to carry

I didn't want to have to kill it just because it was sick

I just couldn't set you free

Pinky promises of fake loyalty

I keep looking at you when you are sleeping

Yes, I might stare because I love you but I'm also picturing so many things

Tomorrow I'll make us match clothes so it looks like you belong to me

We once bonded over what we loved to read

Now all we have in common is anxiety

We are relentless tenacious control freaks

Now I just match your energy

I just can't set you free

I don't understand anything

At which point did we stop being healthy?

Using pain as a pawn in our game

This power struggle has made us insane

When did it come to this?

I won, I think I did

But is it really winning when you're left with guilt and misery?

Who took the best side of me?

Was it you? Where is it?

What did I win exactly?

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

The high

I have to stop reading into everything

And I need to start writing more

I have to stop running away from myself

And just step on the dancefloor

I can't live my life in the shadows

While they're out there in the light

I can't keep planning everything

I got to be brave enough to try

If I stay still I'll overthink and I'll have no chill

There's a restlessness in me, even when I stop I can't avoid the feeling

So next time I'll step right into it

I haven't lived yet, I can't start working on my will

I don't mind chasing the high

Until I hit rock bottom

Who knows? I might fly

Who cares? At least I tried

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

Heart

Your heart is like a compass

It will lead you right to where you belong

Your heart is everything

It's part of nature but it's also a machine

Your heart provokes earthquakes

It makes your entire world shake

Your heart is like a suitcase

How much baggage did you bring with you today?

Your heart is strong, but it probably won't stay the same forever

But what your heart wants right now should matter

I know you have a head on top of your shoulders

But without feeling love, life isn't worth it

Make sure you don't know what you're doing

Try to keep your innocence, your wondering eye

Don't ever be so timid that your heart can't reach its home

You have to feel something, you have to feel love

Risk yourself, enjoy the free fall

If your heart stays intact in the end

If it's not all twisted, bent out of shape

You might as well have never loved at all

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

Ghost town

My love life is a ghost town

There are not many people here anymore

Except the ones I killed

And the ones I so want to ignore

You can say a lot about my past

But my present, it's pretty boring, it's not the best

Nobody should ever have to love without trust

And that's why I stay away from most

I don't run away from the truth

I run away from the lies

I refuse to lose

They say love is blind, I wish that was true

I see everything, even what I don't want to

And I feel, I swear I do

I just can't surrender, it has been like this for a while

I can't show feelings to save my life

You used to be my world, now I have my own

I live in this haunted, nearly empty, ghost town

Diana M.

[zeroandvoid]

I know why

Life can be a nightmare

I feel better when I'm sleeping

They say life isn't fair

But it feels pretty good when I'm dreaming

Growing up isn't easy

Getting old isn't fun

I just wanna be happy

Can you show me how it's done?

I don't know how to act

I don't know how to feel

I keep living life

Without feeling the thrill

I know why that is

I know why that might be

I am not what I want

I am what I have to be

Diana M.