zuroblake

[zuroblake]

i just keep thinking so much. i know this will go nowhere. reach nobody. maybe i can have comfort in that.

i’m not sure what’s made my mind suddenly begin racing in this way. maybe it’s been itching to all along and i’ve been good at running away up until now. i could’ve sworn i processed or moved on from certain feelings. the more i let my thoughts wander. the more i think about who i was, who i am, and who i wanted to be, the further away i get from figuring it out. i feel so lost inside this body of mine. inside this brain of mine. i feel so estranged from whoever i think i am. sometimes i just don’t know. mostly i think it’s boiled down to 2 of me. two opposites residing in the same space. ripping each other apart but completely codependent upon another. it hurts to breathe. i keep trying to think about anything and everything else. maybe that’s why i’m so exhausted even when i’ve been out of work for over a month. i want to feel better. i want to do more. i want to Be more. but here i am, stuck thinking about the past. stuck thinking about the chapters of my life that led up to this moment. i’m not sure if i’m trying to make sense of it all. make sense of who i am. or maybe i’m just overly nostalgic and i wish i could see how they were all doing now. say i was sorry for the way things happened. is that selfish? would i just be doing it for my own conscious anyway? this is what i can’t seem to escape. these conflicting ideas in my head that i don’t even know why i think or feel the way i do. i feel absolutely helpless. like everything i want to be is shackled at the bottom of a pool watching everything i am rip apart my own life. maybe that’s just pathetic though. self pitying. ala would tell me that i’m being judgmental of myself; that i would never say this to another person. i’m not trying to be hard on myself. i guess i just genuinely don’t know who i am or why i actually make the decisions i do. i don’t even know why i juggle all of these thoughts. i’m trying to figure it out. i’m trying to figure out how to get better. i just feel so frozen. even now. in this bed of mine. i feel stuck. like if i move i’ll be in pain. i’ll feel even more lost. trying to find a purpose but coming up empty. that’s the problem. i feel so empty. i’m so tired. when did i lose myself this much.

[zuroblake]

[zuroblake]

[zuroblake]

via weheartit

[zuroblake]

take some time to reflect on how much you’ve grown over the last few months, in any way, whether you started going to therapy, got a new job, gained new interests, finished your exams, started journaling, or even became more empathetic towards yourself. remind yourself that growth is always there, and that it doesn’t need to be incredibly life-changing to hold significance. you are growing in every way; and these events often lead to very bright things.

[zuroblake]

me: *is consistently unsure*

[zuroblake]

jenny slate / two, sleeping at last / an oresteia, euripidies (trans. anne carson) / the chaos of stars, kiersten white

[zuroblake]

i don’t like what you’re doing to me.

[zuroblake]

i don’t even understand why i’m upset. i guess i’m just more upset w myself than anything. like, i just feel so fucking stupid. i tried to get out of work fast bc i managed to get off rlly early, and for some reason i guess i expected her to be home and to be happy to see me and have a few hours before bed to chat and whatever. but then it’s like...she doesn’t even respond to my text for half an hour and it turns out she’s at a bar w her coworkers. and thts cool and fine, but she said she’d be home “soonish” and idk what i was thinking, maybe like an hour or so, but then she shows up almost 3 hours later and at tht point i was just trying to sleep bc of how fucking dumb i felt. idk if i feel this deeply hurt and upset bc she stayed out tht late w her coworkers who apparently are the only things tht rlly make her happy anymore, when sometimes she doesn’t even want to stay up for like half an hour w me around tht same time. the other night when we came home (which was like 10), she said she just wanted to snuggle me and then go to sleep. it just feels like she literally only cares abt work and her coworkers at this point, and tht sucks even more when i realize tht i was literally reprimanded for staying at work for like 20 extra min once to try and hang out w my coworkers. idk i just feel really upset and alone and i know i shouldn’t which is why i don’t even want to bring this up or talk abt it w her. i know i shld be happy for her, but i suppose i’m mostly just hurt tht it feels like she doesn’t rlly care abt spending time w me and i just feel like i got shrugged off last night and i’ve been sorta getting shrugged off for a while bc she never has time or energy for me but then puts it all into her friends or coworkers. and i have to just sit here and watch tht as if it doesn’t sting at all bc i know i shld be happy for her. and i AM happy for her. i guess i just need to stop putting energy into her tht she’s not in the place to give me in return. i need to just,,, Stop. i need to take a few steps back for myself and honestly just stop worrying abt other people and take care of myself. its been dragging me down so much lately trying to find a balance tht seems to always be shifting, and i think it’s time to just stop putting effort and energy into whatever this relationship is right now. i know at some point in maybe a few weeks or a month things will prbly find its balance, but i’m just gonna let tht happen on its own instead of trying so hard and putting so much thought into her when it’s becoming apparent i won’t get that back. the most it seems i can get right now is just an “ill try more” and seeing it a little, but then ultimately just getting a bit let down. and i know she’s just dealing w stuff and she has zero obligation to me, and i guess thts why i’m not mad or upset At her, i’m just mad and upset at myself for allowing myself to fall into these habits of thinking she’d actually want to see me or hang out w me or just be able to spend a little time w me before bed since i was working literally all day. i just feel so fucking stupid and idk why i’m trying.

[zuroblake]

things have been coming together so much more. it’s been well over a month now since i’ve posted on here and since you’ve been back around. i should be keep better track of my thoughts and my progression, but sometimes i guess i kind of lose the time and opportunity. i’ve been focusing a lot more on loving myself, and i’ve been doing a lot better at communicating and learning how to coexist with you in a way that isn’t dependent. you’ve been making such big steps as well. we’ve just been doing really good for ourselves and i couldn’t be more proud of that. lately it was a little bumpy, but i got the chance to communicate how i was feeling about certain things and you were so receptive to all of my input. it was just nice being able to talk to you. it makes me happy to know that we’re both working and trying to create something better for ourselves and each other, and i can’t wait to see what we grow to be a year from now. we’re doing so good and i’m proud to know you and to love you. thank you for trying even though it’s hard sometimes, thank you for being patient, thank you for doing your best to listen, and thank you for being the best friend i could ask for. i love you so much.

[zuroblake]

i, am so fucking confused. i don’t know what i’m supposed to believe at this point. all i want is to just be able to go forward with some peace and closure. i don’t want anymore conflict. i don’t want anymore drama. i don’t want to feel like you’re actively trying to hurt me bc you’re mad that i’m making changes in my life. you’re the one who genuinely didn’t want this relationship. not me. so why is this somehow all my fault. why are you acting like everything is just a done deal when it really shouldn’t matter. i didn’t cheat you. i’m not changing to spite you. i literally just want to be happy with myself bc it hurt so much when i lost you. why is tht so wrong. why can’t you be happy to see me finally making all the changes i should’ve made years ago in myself. why can’t you learn how to love who i’m becoming instead of hating me for it.

[zuroblake]

the cycle repeats till you learn the lesson

[zuroblake]

[zuroblake]

i need someone who wants to stay through the parts that aren’t pretty

[zuroblake]

i’d spend the rest of my life making you smile

[zuroblake]

a relationship isn’t always 50/50. some days a person will struggle. you suck it up and pick up that 80/20 cus they need you. that’s love.

[zuroblake]

there’s literally nothing more fun than being kind????? like? making someone feel loved and appreciated and seeing them smile and hearing them giggle?? sign me the fuck up