zzzzeri

[zzzzeri]

  ― Billy-Ray Belcourt, A History of My Brief Body

[text ID: To love someone is firstly to confess: I'm prepared to be devastated by you.]

[zzzzeri]

i have to consider him more, too. there is more to his life than me, and that is okay. he chooses me everyday, too. he loves me and cares for me and it is cruel of me to question it all the time

[zzzzeri]

loving him makes me feel doomed. i truly will never feel something like this for anyone again, and i dont want to even try to. ive said it before but all the love i have is for him. theres nothing left, im his. im his

[zzzzeri]

i love him i dont ever want to let him go. i want to be selfish but it all hurts so much too. ill be stubborn until i cant anymore

[zzzzeri]

even through all the hurt i can only ever want what’s best for him. all the love i have is for him. there is no after him

he wont be the same. he would find someone else, because he never truly loved me. i was just convenient. im disposable to him

[zzzzeri]

i keep feeling uncared for. i dont matter all that much to him. i feel like if we survive past august or if this persists, it would be time to re-evaluate? i love him beyond myself. during times i could, i would put him first before myself. but i dont feel that from him, it’s not even about reciprocity anymore? it’s just that i know that theres someone out there that he would feel this smitten and devoted for and it’s just not me. he would be miserable if he stayed with me for whatever reason that hes staying for. all the things i want to beg him for — the consideration, the care, the undeniability of it all — it would come naturally to him if it were for the person he would love wholly. the same way thinking of him and caring for him and loving him feels like breathing to me. but im not that person to him. i dont want to force him into this anymore

[zzzzeri]

june sixteen

he messaged that hes already home, six hours earlier than hes supposed to be. nothing about why, just that hes home. every minute of everyday hes on my mind and i wish i could tell him everything. this just proves that im not that person to him. im not sure if ill ever matter to him in the ways that i would always want to.

[zzzzeri]

is it brash of me to feel like i deserve better? i want him to think of me more, and consider me more, and prioritize me more. i want him to show more of how he cares for me and about me and how he puts me over himself, how much i matter to him in such a definitive way. i want his love and care for me to be firm, undeniable, unshakeable despite the worst things my head could conjure up. i hope his nonchalance dies the most gruesome death. im not sure how much longer i can take of me being the one who loves more and gives more and thinks of him more. am i shallow for wanting not even reciprocity, but competitiveness from him? i want him to try harder for me. i want him to be better for me.

[zzzzeri]

i never want what i have with you to become just a memory

i dont what us to become what once was

i dont want to associate you with nostalgia

i never want to look back, i want us to always look forward and keep moving forward and stay in each other’s lives

[zzzzeri]

i used to wish i was a different person, born under drastically different circumstances, with a different name and just an entirely different life. but you make me want to live in this lifetime, you make me happy that i became the person that i am, you make me glad to have existed in this life because this is where i met and got to love you. i no longer wish i was a different person. im so happy that everything happened the way it did, every moment in my life felt like it led to me loving you. i love loving you, i love you beyond myself. thank you for not being a different person either, and becoming someone that i could love so dearly

[zzzzeri]

i’ll thank you endlessly for giving me the love i deserve and i’ll try my hardest to forgive myself for only ever being deserving of a love that feels so empty

[zzzzeri]

ill never love again after you. it will always be you even if it was never me to you

[zzzzeri]

you make me feel stupid for caring about you

[zzzzeri]

i just dont matter all that much to him. i should be okay with that

[zzzzeri]

i feel like this confirms that i have to break up with him one day. i cant marry someone who makes me cry like this and hurt like this

[zzzzeri]

my head hurts so much from overthinking and crying and just figuring out what to do or how to feel or if im in the wrong again im just so exhausted

[zzzzeri]

only as much as he gives me. ill leave some for myself