#// *so shes in a depressed mood during the last week of october

[steamishot]

last work week

it's the last working week of the year aka no one is working. i just had my last meeting of the year (academic affairs meeting with dr. martin). i always feel a little awkward when i'm in LA but have to pretend like i'm in NY. they don't ask about when i'm coming home because they know it's personal. but they sometimes ask about the weather and i have to recall from memory lol (the most surface level and acceptable).

emotional health: this past half year has looked like a hump in terms of emotional health. the Y axis is my emotional distress, and X is time. i reached the most emotional distress in october/november. i felt funky, anxious, worried, my appetite was low, didn't feel like seeing people because my mood sucked, i felt like crying all the time (and actually cried a lot). now i'm riding down on the wave. i'm more emotionally stable, i'm more social, my appetite is sorta normal. i'm currently back at 116 from 110 when i was feeling depressed.

job search updates: matt had a 5 hour interview with UCI (chatted with 7 different people individually) last wednesday. he had just come off from a week of night shifts that ended on tues morning. his life is roughhh. he thought the interview didn't go well and they asked very tough questions/had very high expectations for their candidates. on thursday, he had two 30 min phone calls with city of hope and UCLA. the UCLA guy was actually more down to earth and friendly. these are the four jobs that he actually likes and they have pretty good work conditions. i really, really hope one of them comes through. i think my first choice is LA general (previously USC) though their pay is the lowest because it offers the best work-life balance. city of hope may come in second. then UCLA and lastly, UCI. overall, i've been feeling better about this because he now has opportunities that are superior to the redlands one. staying hopeful but grounded.

coffee setup: i've become the barista for my family. my parents' kitchen is now equipped with a coffee grinder and espresso machine. i made 5 lattes today. in NYC, i always make iced lattes because my apartment is consistently warm. but it's cold in LA during the winter so i've made all hot drinks.

therapy: i had my first intake call today with monica. yay for kaiser covering my insurance. off the bat, the intake call seemed a lot more professional than any betterhelp sessions i've been to. i also don't have to stress about if the therapy session are "worth" paying out of pocket. she asked a lot of questions for the assessment and wrote everything down. it seems that betterhelp doesn't have a consistent method in providing therapy. i'll be able to do two therapy sessions while i'm in LA, but she won't see me when i'm in NYC due to licensure.

interests: to be less tunnel-visioned in this job search, i've been consistent in playing chess and learning japanese on duolingo. B added me on chess so it's been nice playing with a friend as a way to keep connected. recently watched salt, fat, acid, heat (and purchased the book to read) on netflix, and checked out dr. death.

goal setting: my work mom B has consistently gifted us planners as christmas gifts the last 5 or so years. i admittedly am not great at using planners and i lose the consistency after a week or so. however, i do see the benefit of writing down a general to-do or goals list. i have a tendency to dream small, or not too big, but i need to put on my big girl "i can" pants so that i can level up. i learned from the rock solid relationship podcast that it's not a bad idea to have goals that you may think are insane (i.e. make 30 million dollars in my business). my long-term goals are what's dictating my day to day habits and short-term goals. so, of course i'll feel purposeless if i don't even identify what my long-term goals are. and of course i'll be bored if i'm dreaming too small so here:

have a 7 figure net-worth by 35

become a CPA

run a 10K in less than an hour

run a 5k in less than 27 min

run a <8 min mile

be a homeowner by age 35

be an expert at chess

be an expert at cooking

be an expert at drawing

be able to speak/read chinese and japanese

be able to do a crow pose and headstand in yoga

move to LA by summer 2024

have a six figure salary by age 34

reach 120lbs (healthy weight)

run my own successful business

make a (good) tulip in latte art

[androgynousstrawberrystarfish]

20230130 and 20230131

Kiddo's been in a wraparound therapy program for a month. 3 month program. Covers anxiety, depression, substance use, gender identity. All stuff she needs. We started this because she has been skipping classes since October and told me it's because of anxiety. So we went to a psychiatrist for medication management at the direction of her HCP. Psychiatrist said she needs way more than he can provide and suggested a wraparound program. So she's been in one as soon as I found one that didn't tell me they have no room. Since last month she has told me on 8 different occasions that she wants help and wants to quit but will never commit to changing anything. Still hangs out with stoner friends. Still goes to their house. Still smokes at lunch time because it's "too hard". Two weeks ago she was caught with weed at school. She was not forced to take extra classes because she's in a wraparound program that covers substance abuse. Today she was caught high as fuck after lunch and started the delayed expulsion program. I got into her ass about all this and she has been giving me attitude and trying to act like she's in the right for continuing to smoke, tried gaslighting me until i shut that shit down, and told her I was pulling her ass out of school and starting ANYTHING else because anything is better than her getting expelled because her stupid ass won't make any fucking effort and she started screaming at me that she hates living here and pretending things are better during therapy and being forced to go do things with me and she hates me and I'll never be her dad and she just wants me to listen to her for once and let her live with her maternal grandmother. I felt like I was close to actually hitting her so I walked away and tried calming down. I've never even spanked her and I'm not about to start now. By the time I calmed down she had a bag packed and was trying to leave the house to live "anywhere but here", which apparently meant her 18 year old boyfriend's house

I was told they broke up when he found out she was 14 instead of 16. Apparently that was a fucking lie too.

So I took her phone her bag, told her to grab her shit, and we started driving

At that moment I realized I'm just fucking done. I can't do this anymore.

I'm spending close to 900/week on this therapy program and bought a cat and a laptop and I get "I hate you let me live anywhere else and I'll never stop trying to run away." And at this point I would rather pay child support and have a fucking social life again and go meet people and stop being so FUCKING ISOLATED because I have to be home 24/7 to watch a fucking monster teenager and I'm such a horrible person for even saying that and I can't help that it's true.

We drove to the airport, and I put them on the next flight direct to her maternal grandmother. I stayed awake all night until the plane took off so she was able to sleep and nobody would mess with her shit. At 6am she took off and I drove home, landing at about the same time I got to the house. Then I tried to sleep on and off while the kitten kept attacking me.

I sent certified insured and express mail with all the documents/medication she needs this afternoon and then got myself a very unhealthy dinner to try to cheer myself up. It didn't work. I'm still more angry than I've ever been in my life. I feel like a failure, a bad father, and a bad person. But I don't know what other option I had left.

Mood: 0/10

Day: 0/10

Overall Mood: I don't know. I have much to do to make sure this happens smoothly and legally and I don't end up missing anything. There' a lot to juggle.