#<-- hasn't even closed CSP yet..

[roitaminnah]

oh but I hope on my wishing stars

that I could be your love -

I’ve been waiting oh so long

to be your lover

(explodes) I just think about them a lot I think they’re neat. (song is ‘to be your lover’ by the burkharts,, one of the last ones on my ppkm playlist <3)

[galactichelium]

Man. This is the least I have drawn in like, at least 10 years. I don't know why I've been lacking in ideas. Though, admittedly, on the 1 or 2 ideas I have been able to come up with, due to not drawing for so long, now I've lost my rhythm with drawing and nothing even comes close to looking right. Augh. I really hope I'm able to get back into drawing eventually. Because I really do love drawing.

Extended ramble below the cut 😭. It wasn't supposed to be so long but it just kept getting longer. Basically, tl;dr: There are SO many fucking factors that have seemingly contributed to this. More than I realised before making this post, even.

I think probably part of this also is my chronic pain, because I think I first got into this art block back in December 2021. Of which being when my chronic pain started getting really bad. Though, back then it wasn't as bad as it has become. Up until around August 2022 I was still for the most part making a drawing a month. But since then, I've only drawn 2 drawings. One in December, and then one in February. And I didn't even post the February one.

Another potential factor is that, well, my art blog url is "officialkarkat". At the time, it did feel like a proper expression of me, as I tied a lot of my sense of identity to this character, but. Around the same time my chronic pain started getting worse weirdly enough, was around the time when I began to realise that while initially doing this did help me figure out a lot about myself, at this point, it felt more like something I was hiding behind. Not being my true self. (Not that I'm not a kinnie anymore, I am, but yeah.) But then I've been stuck on what to do, because I've HAD that url for 2 or 3 years, and I also still can't even think of anything better lmfao.

There's also the fact that I did get a job in October 2022. While I have very little hours, it still does get in the way because I always have work on Fridays. Almost always exclusively. So the rest of the weekdays I get stuck in ADHD "waiting" mode, waiting for work at the end of the week. And the weekends feel like a recovery period.

I also am now using a completely different art program as of December 2022. Because I've been trying to switch computers, but wanted Linux on my newer one, but I couldn't get CSP to work on it despite my numerous attempts at different methods. So while I have completed 2 drawings using my new art program of choice (Krita), and have become more familiar with it by messing around in it every now and again, it still doesn't quite feel like home. Does that make sense.

And last potential factor. My newer computer is a desktop computer instead of something like my Surface Pro was, which, in hindsight, was a kick in the foot. I thought it'd be better because I could get better specs for cheaper with a desktop. And I thought that getting a graphics tablet would be all that I needed to get right back into it. But I didn't realise just how essential being able to pick up a pen at any time and just start drawing was, to my drawing process. Back then this was true, but even more so now with my chronic pain, of which gets worse with inactivity, thus making big drawing sessions impossible. Though when I got this desktop (June 2021), that was yet to be a big factor. I mostly only even got a new computer because well... my surface pro, at the time, was 8 years old. Now it's 10 years old. I got it second-hand 5 and a half years ago from eBay. It could now probably fall apart at any moment. I'm surprised it hasn't already. Though there are a lot of problems with it tbf. However all this being said, having my desktop computer has helped with chronic pain in a different way. Y'know, having more proper posture. But it still comes at a cost with how accessible drawing is.

But honestly, out of all of these. The two biggest factors getting in the way right now I feel like are the fact that I'm very out-of-practice, making it harder to get back into it, and the chronic pain. But. Augh. All of these different things happening all at once 😭