#[ /ross geller crying into my margarita. ]

[romancevsreality-blog]

bachelor in paradise, season four, episodes three and four: WHY WOULD I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

Oh, god, I’m back.

You’re probably wondering, “Hey, Amanda, can’t you count? There wasn’t a *Bachelor In Paradise: Victim-Blaming Island Episodes one and two recap!” Hunty, I know. But did you see those episodes? I literally had to leave midway through the first one and get more alcohol to handle it. You know who should never be asked to hold a panel on sexual assault and racism? Chris Harrison. Literally. I would rather have a panel on torture wherein which I am the one being tortured by Carrot Top. I would rather be taken over by a Trump-supporting demon1 that gets carted around Fox News as their Token Pretty Black Girl.

Oh my god, I literally just said I would prefer to be Stacey Dash, what have I done?!

So no, I won’t be recapping what I consider to be the Men’s Rights Activist Textbook For Discussing Sexual Assault and Racism. Nah man, nah.

What that does mean, though, is that I must do my rankings swiftly, and on a different scale this season, as we don’t have Queen Jubilee to be our barometer of Perfection, and rather we have Robb(ie), a hot mixture of saliva, hair gel, sweat, and low self-esteem. I dislike them all, pretty much. I must rate them in terms of things I hate in my own life. Alas, I present:

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability:

Raven: People playing music in public without headphones

Jasmine: mosquito

Robb(ie): Ross Geller

Lacey: Running out of one expensive product and then as soon as I replace that one, running out of ANOTHER expensive face product

Diggy: When the commercial is louder than the show I was watching

Matt: Forgetting one thing when I go shopping

Taylor: Walking into a cold pond and touching seaweed

Kristina: Pills on sweaters (I dislike her the least)

Amanda Never-Shoulders: a recurring cold for 2+ months that is just a tickle in the back of your throat and a constant throat clearing and a sniffle

JACKSTONE: Running out of all of my expensive face products at the same damn time

Dean: Waking up from a nap and being not 100% sure of what time it is (I dislike him the least of all of them too)

Alexis: 30 second ads before 30 second videos

Ben: Wet socks

Danielle: A straw with a crack in it

Nick B: Entering a room and forgetting what you meant to do in there

Iggy: When people comment on other people’s food

Vinny: Standing on the left side of the escalator

Alex:  The Hobbit and any movie that expects me to want to spend 2+ hours in the god damn woods2

DeMario: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s marriage

Corinne: Missing a button on your shirt and discovering after someone points it out

We’re back after the shutdown and we haven't even gotten to the rose ceremony yet, but everyone’s back and still DTF. The opening is as awkward as ever, and I zoned out. Back at the villas, the girls are crying because love is not in the air, and the guys are oblivious. I mean, this is a group of very attractive people who all have never had to work this hard to get other people’s attention or get them to want to be with them. Ugh, it’s so hard to go to an island for two weeks and get drunk and flirt with people.

I WOULD BE QUEEN OF THIS ISLAND.

But really, the dudes are having bro-time and the ladies are not having it, and they need a new dude to come in.

So here comes Adam.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Adam: People with no clue of how they’re occupying space

Adam was on Rachel’s season and we all forgot about him and I still forgot about him. The show reminds me that he was the guy with the French mannequin and everything makes horrific sense. I would rather fall in love with that French mannequin than have a talk about the sexualization of black male bodies by white people. But the guys are PUMPED that they have another guy to play video games with and talk about sports wi - I mean, that Adam’s there and he has a true chance at love. All the girls are thirsting over Adam, primarily because he has a date card. Basically the guys admit to Adam that none of the guys have made a single move except Derek, who’s been holed up with Taylor pretty much since before the shutdown.

Adam says he’s interested in Raven3 and Kristina, and takes his time getting to know both of them. Raven wants to be like Evan And Carly Who Got Engaged in Paradise And Are Getting Married There Too, Remember, After Jade And Tanner, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Last Year In Paradise And Married On TV Earlier The Year Before, Remember Them, and Adam wants someone he can lift up. I’m sure he means emotionally but I definitely had the mental image of Adam constantly carrying his girlfriends around.

The next day, it’s FINALLY the rose ceremony, and pretty much every rose is up in the air except for Taylor’s. Robb(ie) and Ben Z both want Raven’s rose, but neither of them want her to go on a date with Adam.

So of course Adam gives Raven his date card because everything is hilarious.

Meanwhile, Dean’s isolating himself from… everyone, but especially Kristina, and Kristina’s frustrated by that. She sits down with Diggy to discuss how she’s feeling and I realize that the time that this group spent together during the shutdown is going to play out in the dynamics of this season. Kristina and Dean bonded during the shutdown, but back on Fuck Island, things aren’t as smooth. He literally says he can’t talk to her until after his shower and all but bolts away from her.

Kristina: Dean just might not be into you anymore. And that’s okay.

Ben Z is in a tizzy that Raven and Adam are going on a date because basically he has a dog and Raven has a dog so they’re Meant To Be. Raven and Adam’s date cost all of $30 (including tip) because they basically sat at a table and drank margaritas and then did some terrible salsa dancing.

They play out how ominous the rose ceremony is going to be because there’s a tsunami coming in and it's pouring rain out. Literally no one wants this to happen. TAKE THE HINT. None of the guys are confident because they spent the last few days dicking around with each other and forgot that it’s not in their hands anymore. Iggy’s desperate and pretty much tries to go around to every girl and try to get a rose because he wants them Instagram followers. He bastardizes a Jewish prayer for Lacey. I literally forgot Alex was even there. Alexis forces JackStone to compliment her over and over again and this show should be much more of that and less of Adam making out with Raven in an a desperate attempt to get her rose.

Then again, there hasn’t been enough gross making out this season. It’s the alcohol consumption control and also these guys are terrible.

There’s an amazing scene where Robb(ie) tries to kiss Amanda Never-Shoulders and she swerves him so hard I cackled. She puts her hand on his shoulders and it ls like, “I want it to be special! You’re sweaty!” I would like this show to be 100x more cutting men down to size.

Dean takes Kristina aside and basically tells her it would be best to “slow down” a little bit, which is the fuckboy way of saying “I wanna bang other people, AND I wanna still bang you.” He all but tells her she has no obligation to give him her rose. Dean’s got terrible communication skills.

The Rose Ceremony starts and you would think these people have just seen water for the first time after being in a desert.

Taylor gives her rose to Derek.

Jasmine gives her rose to Matt.

Raven gives her rose to… Adam, and Ben Z doesn’t even know what to do with himself.

Alexis gives her rose to JACKSTONE.

Lacey gives her rose to Diggy because one couple has to be there just to stay for mutual agreement.

Danielle M. gives her rose to Ben Z out of sympathy AND HE DESERVES A REAL ROSE HAVE Y’ALL SEEN HIS FACE

Kristina gives her rose to Dean. Why.

Amanda Never-Shoulders gives her rose to Robb(ie) and I do not understand how she has such terrible taste in men.

Alex, Nick, Vinny, and Iggy all go home. All the men except Iggy get exit speeches4 and Vinny struggles with his seatbelt.

The next day, the tables have turned, and the guys are in charge now. Danielle L shows up, and all the guys are salivating over her. I refuse to call her DLo.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Danielle L: the idea of a dolphin eating a squeaky toy

She has a date card, 20 pounds of makeup and boob tape on at like, 9 AM. The guys are alight because there’s finally someone they’re into there. Danielle is interested in Ben and Dean, and Ben takes his time with Danielle to talk about how Dean and Kristina are in a rough spot, which leads Danielle straight to Dean instead. It makes no sense.

Danielle offers Dean her date card, and Kristina is krushed5. She was hoping for a fun bonding day with Dean and he’s off on another date with a girl who just go there. Dean tries to explain himself away and keep Kristina on the hook by being like, “Well, she knows about you, so…” Dean and Danielle go on a date driving a single ATV6 and Kristina sits at home, crying and drinking and watching a sunset. Danielle and Dean’s date ends with them making out. Barf. I know Kristina and Dean spent a week road tripping across Kentucky during the shutdown but it just feels extra harsh that Dean’s doing this now.

Dean seems really desperate to be The Good Guy in every single way and thus makes himself look like The Bad Guy because he’s emotionally unintelligent. He goes up to the girls’ room awkwardly and waits until they’re like, “Sooo… do… you want to talk to Kristina?”; and then when they’re talking, he downplays the kiss he had with Danielle as just a “peck” and tells Kristina missed her. They share a pinky promise that they’ll be together forever and ever and ever because these are two emotionally mature adults.

Pinky promises ain’t shit, and Dean ain’t shit.

It gets worse when they’re having a bonfire and Dean and Kristina are with the rest of the group at a bonfire, and then jumps up and gets a slice of watermelon with whipped cream on it for Danielle’s half-birthday. I fuckin’ love my birthday and I would never celebrate my half-birthday like this, especially with that not-cake insult of a cake. Dean flat out disrespected Kristina in front of everyone.

Dean can’t have his not-cake and eat it too. I don’t feel bad for Kristina, either, because she can do and deserves better, but this was a public humiliation.

Oooh, Dean’s not the internet’s boyfriend anymore, is he?

End Act One. Enter Act Two.

There’s some horrible wordplay with “Dean’s Dilemma with D-Lo” nd I hate everyone. Chris Harrison, BYEEEEE.

Also, I refuse to give commentary on the DeMario interview. Y’all can go visit Ali Barthwell at Vulture for that.

The next day, shit’s still tense on the Dean/Danielle/Kristina front. Kristina pretty much can’t stop crying because she hates being vulnerable7 and she’s shutting down. No one knows who’s going to give Kristina a rose if Dean doesn’t.

I haven’t talked about My Ex-Boyfriend Wells being the Jorge replacement this season. I am not okay with it whatsoever. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells is slowly becoming the Nick Viall of this franchise and imma need him to disappear right quick. I don’t want to date a guy whose main life goal is Bachelor Nation Personality, that sounds fucking terrible.

Raven’s excited about pursuing Adam because Raven is Hot Shit and Knows Every Guy Wants Her8 but she’s afraid another girl will come in and ruin what they have going.

Enter Sarah!

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Sarah: Resting your hand on the hot spot where your flat iron was

Sarah, who is basically a walking wand curler, and Raven’s terrified because during the shutdown, Raven caught Adam and Sarah having a snuggle. Soooo, Raven’s on the “Protect Ya Dick” path and basically tells Sarah “If you want Adam, get Adam, but we’re all still getting to know Adam since he just got here, and we already know Ben, so we’d love for you to take Ben instead!” AKA “GO ON A DATE WITH BEN”.

Why do they have to sell Ben to anyone? He’s so hot. Then again, his entire personality is being a good dad to his dog. Ben.

Ben.

Why do you do this. JUST BE QUIET AND LET US SALIVATE OVER YOUR BODY.

Sarah gets the most generic date card which is perfect for her personality, and she chooses Adam despite all of Raven’s dreams and desires. I like seeing Raven getting cut off at the knees so getcha man, Sarah. We get an amazing scene of Adam saying he’s happy to be on an one-on-one with Rachel because they literally could have copy-and-pasted that from Rachel’s season and I wouldn’t have known. Adam and Sarah go on the thirstiest date of all time. Adam literally says he jumps into relationships too quickly and Sarah’s like I’M ALL IN PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME. Sarah loses me when she says that Paradise is a Nicholas Sparks book in real life and I barf.

Back at the resort, Danielle’s losing hope because she’s not feeling it with anyone there. Danielle sees My Ex-Boyfriend Wells as dateable - just not in Paradise - but they agree to a My Best Friend’s Wedding type deal where Danielle M is a much less likeable Julia Roberts and My Ex-Boyfriend Wells WISHES he could be Dermot Mulroney. He’s barely even Rupert Grint, let alone Rupert Everett. Pfft.

Meanwhile, Lacey’s been put on ice by pretty much everyone in Paradise. I can’t tell it’s because it’s 2017 and she’s still lining her entire eye with black eyeliner like she’s Avril Lavigne in 2002 or because she’s a whiner. I’m thinking it’s the former, but more likely it’s the latter. She never had a one-on-one in her time on The Bachelor and she just wants her GREAT RELATIONSHIP. Perfect timing, because Lacey gets a date card.

They need to give Jorge’s Tour-ges some publicity, so Lacey’s card is from Jorge. Lacey asks Ben first, but pretty much no one is DTF Lacey. Raven even says “I think the guys want to go on a date… but not necessarily with Lacey.”

Raven is such an underground bitch sometimes and I much prefer her that way. Jasmine says she would choke Lacey if she took Matt on a date. Lacey’s pretty much asking all the guys if she took them on her date would it be as friends or as something possibly more. But Lucky Lacey, because Diggy agrees to go on a date with her! And Jorge!

Lacey calls a Bachelor one-on-one the Holy Grail of dating and I’m just… what? WHY. They meet with Jorge, who’s with some horses! Jorge-ses. They ride horses to get to know each other and Lacey’s like, “I probably never would have met you without Paradise.” I know she didn’t mean it that way, but it feels like she’s saying “I’ve never dated a black dude before!” Jorge brought Lacey and Diggy to the place where Jorge was conceived, and I love it.

BRING BACK JORGE. CAN I START A CHANGE.ORG PETITION.

Lacey and Diggy make out next to the ocean and I just noticed that Lacey’s hair is basically pulled back with a Chip Clip.

Meanwhile, Danielle M. and My Ex-Boyfriend Wells are discussing each other with different people. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with her by pursuing something more, and Danielle M. isn’t feeling it with anyone there and is going to leave. She gave up a great opportunity to come and try to find love in Paradise and that’s not happening, so.

Diggy and Lacey return from their date and Lacey’s over the moon, so of course the producers decide to shit all over that party by sending in Dominique, and Diggy’s THRILLED. I have no memory of Dominique but she was on Nick’s season and is rockin the twists. Lacey’s afraid that because Taylor doesn’t like Lacey and Taylor loves Dom, that Taylor’s gonna meddle.

And meddle Taylor does. Lacey’s already nervous because she knows Diggy wants to go out with Dominique and vice versa. Taylor basically tells Dominique that Diggy’s actually excited about her, which she hasn’t seen in him with anyone else. I’m cackling. Taylor is such a menace and I love it.

Dominique asks Diggy on the date, and Lacey’s pissed and takes it out on Taylor, of course. Taylor goes to Lacey and tries to explain herself - it wasn’t done maliciously, she just thinks they’re a better fit. Lacey just wants everyone to stop playing matchmaker and that her great date was ruined less than 15 minutes after she returned. Taylor feels bad but also, that’s how the game works, girl. I love that Taylor’s like, “Come on. Lacey would have done the same damn thing if the tables were turned.”

‘Cause it’s true.

Diggy feeds Dom some strawberries and they kiss and their date seems to be a non-factor. I’m bored. I’m more intrigued by the Lacey shit.

Danielle’s at home packing up all of her stuff because she’s officially left Paradise. Everyone’s sad to see her go and she says all of the blanket platitudes. She’s going to miss My Ex-Boyfriend Wells the most, though. She’s sad nothing developed between the two of them during Paradise, but if they’d had more time, maybe something could have come out of it. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells walks her out to her Van of Doom and then THEY KISS.

Good for you, Danielle.

Fuck off, My Ex-Boyfriend Wells.

See you next week!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Derek and Taylor look gorgeous together.

“Please sit down. So you’re Jewish,” made me cackle. Iggy’s the worst.

Does Lacey look like an Olsen to anyone else?

OMG Alexis saying that Nick was the worst Bachelor in history and all the Nick shade in general in this episode.

Fuck Jasmine for saying Taylor wasn’t well liked on her season, gross.

I keep forgetting Amanda is even there. This is for the best.

These girls seem cliquey as hell. I felt bad for Lacey at points.

And if you know anything about me, while I’m not a “spiritual” person, spirits and demons freak me the fuck out. I hated This Is The End. ↩︎

I’m talking about The Revenant, and the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio has an Oscar for grunting and not for Django Unchained, like he SHOULD HAVE. ↩︎

Raven is the #1 Girl on that island apparently. ↩︎

God bless Lacey for not picking Iggy because I would like to never see him on my television ever again. ↩︎

I couldn’t help myself. ↩︎

Someone must have had a Groupon. ↩︎

Did I hear an unedited “shit” come out of Kristina?!?! ABC, living on the edge. ↩︎

I literally think that’s why I hate her so much, she’s got this level of arrogance that isn’t blatant but she disguises it behind a Southern accent. ↩︎