#[ roger just Doesn't leave rayleighs side for a Long while after this fr

[pirateborn-a]

i vowed i would never die, can you tell me the same too ?

✧.   He’d found him by chance. Fate, Roger would call it, with a smile on his face as he watched Rayleigh from the shadows. It hurt, of course it did. The first time he’d caught sight of the comfortingly familiar face, he’d forgotten how he was dead and thoughtless cried out with joy in greeting, only for his old first-mate to show no signs of hearing him.

     It’d hurt, just as it had with Rouge, and just as it had with few others he’d ran into before; but still, he laughed and contented himself with watching with smile on his face because he got to watch them grow, and wasn’t that a wonderful blessing ?

     But as time passed, his merriment was quick to grow strained.

     Rayleigh... wasn’t well, it was as clear as day. He’d known the man for nearly forty years, and yet he’d never seen Rayleigh get this… bad before. He’d known his death would be harsh on Rayleigh, but there’d been faith in his strength. He'd believed in him, trusted him to take care of himself with his captain no longer around to do so.

     But maybe that wasn’t quite right, because Roger was still around, only now he was unable to do anything. He tried, the Sea knew how hard he tried; from hak,i to song, to rage he’d tried everything he could think of to get Rayleigh to listen —  but the only time the man ever seemed to even entertained the thought of Roger being there, was when he was far too deeply drowned in a bottle for him to manage to get anything through that thick skull of his.

     Still,he tried. He stuck around, leaving rarely and briefly, only if he caught nearby tale of someone else he knew. He kept telling stories, teasing and joking, lighthearted with laughter ever frequent in hopes that even an ounce of it could manage to reach Rayleigh. He laughed about their lives together, he laughed about their adventures, he laughed about Laughtale, and the marines they’d fought, and music and— and— and—

     He was leaning against a wooden support on the docks with small frown on his face, watching as Rayleigh prepared himself a small boat with seemingly no purpose.

“ What’re you up to now, Rayleigh ? ”   he didn’t mean for it to come out a mutter, didn’t mean to let concern bleed through because even though he was dead, he still had to stay strong. Someone had to.

     There’d been an odd look in his partner’s eyes when he woke up this morning, one that still lingered there when he looked and one he didn’t like in the slightest. But Rayleigh couldn’t hear him, so Roger forced himself to be content with stowing onto the boat as his partner set sail from shore.

“ Hey, it’s just like all those years ago when we first met, eh ? ”   he joked cheerfully, even as dread continued to sink deeper in his guts, warning him,   “ You’re fishing all wrong, Ray. Where’s the net ? ”

     There was no response, and even after all this time he still couldn’t help but be disappointed by the lack of one, but he didn’t let that deter him and continued his merry chatter, ignoring the way his own voice grew more and more tense the longer they stayed out.

“ Think we should head back now ?  The fish aren’t biting, and I could use something to eat, ”  he didn’t, he hadn’t eaten since the day before he’d died. But surely Rayleigh had to ?

     No answer.

“ I don’t like the look of those clouds, partner. Wasn’t that one of the first things we learned when we set sail, about how looming dark clouds are bad ? ”   his eyes narrowed on the horizon, the Grandline rarely gave itself warning. Surely, Rayleigh wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth and heed it ?

     The storm kept approaching. Rayleigh remained unresponsive.

“ Hey, let’s go to Sabaody. Let’s check out the amusement park again. Remember how we all got sick from the rides and how hard we laughed, the first time we went ?  Wahaha, hey, hey, come on Ray, let us go again, ”   he couldn’t remember at what point he got up to his feet, desperation creeping into his voice, though he kept his smile. Hands unable to reach Rayleigh’s shoulders when he tried to shake his friend out of whatever trance he was in.

     Surely, Rayleigh wouldn’t—

“ Come on, Rayleigh. Shakky’s probably waiting for you. You don’t want her to worry her now.  Remember when we first met her ?  I laughed so hard when she claimed she wanted to run away with you !  But you always were a catch, heh. I am glad you found her, you know ?  Even back then when it meant I had to share you, wahaha ! ”

     Surely. Because Rayleigh wouldn’t. Rayleigh couldn’t.

“ Silvers Rayleigh, as your captain I am ordering you to turn this boat around ! ”   he snapped, barely audible to his own ears over the sea as the storm hit them without mercy. Dammit, who cared if they disbanded. He would always be Rayleigh’s captain and he would always be his first mate so why—

     Rayleigh was smiling.

     Roger stared at it in open horror, cold taking home in his body, as though he truly were the dead man he was supposed to be.

     For the first time in his memory, both alive and dead, Gol D. Roger was utterly lost.

     The towering wave crashed down onto them and with it he yelled a single name that meant so much more with all his might, with all his energy , begging for death to be kind because he could not stand to be the killer of his own partner—

“ Rayleigh, Rayleigh— ! ”   he couldn’t stop himself from screaming if he tried, desperately trying to cling onto the sinking boat and still partner —  why aren’t you fighting, Ray, you’re supposed to always fight  — but his hands would constantly stop short of reaching him and rage boiled underneath his skin because now was not the time for bullshit rules !

     He took in a deep breath —  useless habit, a waste of precious few seconds — and dove down into the murky darkness, trying so desperately to hold Rayleigh but it was all in vain. He was the god damn Pirate King, carrier of the Will of D, and utterly useless to do anything but watch as he condemned the man who was his heart.

“ Dammit all ! ”   his voice stained with grief at his own inability, hoarse and jagged; though how that even worked when he was dead and underwater, while he wasn’t even allowed to save Rayleigh was far beyond infuriating—

     A voice whispered to him amidst the cacophony, gentle and sweet. He recognized it, heart aching even more, it was the same Voice that’d put the Sea in his blood when he was a boy —  and he clung onto it with all he had, as though he were the man drowning, and begged her to guide him once more. So he followed her blindly, letting her bring him further down into the dark waters when— when—

“ Help ! ”   he shouted, projecting every part of himself into his plea towards the small, shadowy figure lingering in the depths,   “ Please !  I am begging you to help, my partner is drowning—  I don’t know how long he has !  Please, please just save him, save my partner !  He’s right here, you just need to turn around ! ”

     Maybe there was a god, or maybe the Sea took pity, because—  miraculously  — the figure looked his way and then beyond, immediately bolting towards the prone figure of his Rayleigh and Roger sobbed. He followed them without hesitation, swimming towards the surface and doing his best to keep up with the fishman  ( thank you. Thank you )  who’d saved his partner. His mind was a blur, filled with static as it struggled to  process what had just occurred. He didn’t know, refused to know, though he couldn’t stop it from sinking in his mind.

     He’d almost lost Rayleigh.

     Hah. Hah. He wanted to laugh from the bitter irony of it all. His entire living life he’d tried to protect Rayleigh, threw himself in danger careless of his own well-being if it meant he were a shield. He’d fought, killed, razed—  all for his partner.

     And now, he’d almost lost Rayleigh to himself. Because of him.

     He did manage a chuckle, because the humor was far from lost on him, though the sound came came out more a bitter choke as he watched the young fishman drag Rayleigh to shore and pretended that he could actually help.

“ You fool, ”   he said, voice shaking still, because he could not stop the tears from flowing down his face, no matter how hard he tried, but that was okay because only his first mate had ever been allowed to see his tears,   “ Heh, worrying your captain like that. I’m supposed to be the reckless one... What am I going to do with you, Rayleigh ? ”

     He didn’t know, he didn’t know and he hated it. Because he could no longer protect Rayleigh, but he was still there. By the sea, he would let thousands more sabers make home in his chest if it meant Rayleigh could remained safe and were allowed joy.

     He’d never felt more lost, the feeling foreign and disquieting, so he started talking. He started talking and didn’t stop talking. Sitting there as close to Rayleigh as death would allow him, Roger kept speaking, babbling nonsense and memories and hopes for Rayleigh’s future because he had always followed his dreams, but what if his dream was for Rayleigh to live ?  What if his dream was for Rayleigh to be happy ?  So he said it, and said it again, and again, and again, and not once did he stop the flow of words until they were forcefully interrupted by Rayleigh’s splutters of life and—

     And Roger laughed. Truly and boldly. He laughed so hard he doubled over until he was sprawled across the floor, utterly cackling in his relief. He kept laughing as his partner and Hatchan  ( thank you )  talked and introduced themselves. Kept laughing as they started to make their way back to Rayleigh’s house. Laughing so brightly, that if he still had air left in his lungs he’d be kneeling over like an old man tenfold.

     Because even if Rayleigh refused to see it for the time being, Roger would cherish every breath his partner still took as a treasure above anything gold or Joyboy could dream to offer, for they meant Rayleigh lived.

“ Thank you, partner, ”  he gasped out between mirthful wheezes, wiping the remaining tears from his face, and maybe it was selfish when he was still dead, but he couldn’t care less in face of the pure relief and warmth bursting from his chest,   “ Thank you for living. ”