#― 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘢𝘮𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘥𝘢𝘮 ， if it's not impossible it's worth the risk. private *

[conziergearch]

                   ‘ and where do you think you’re going,  dr. wilder ? ’     arms cross over her chest once the damning question mark has been added to her demand,   emphasising the need for an explanation ――   that is,   until knitted brows soften and lips curl upward into a small smile.   it never gets tiring catching @therxsistance​ red-handed,   eyes the size of a startled deer.   luna saunters over and undoes the top button of the surgeon’s blouse :   cheeky and presumptuous,   she knows,  she knows,   but …   she likes seeing the new necklace on her,   and how nicely it complements elizabeth’s eyes.   and if she can’t adorn her with jewellery on most days,   at least on the ones with no scheduled surgeries,   her counterpart will have to tolerate her overbearing insistence.   gaze catches her eyes and hands momentarily linger on a collar bone before she signs,     ‘ i asked ben to not pick you up today and instead meet you at the hospital.   you know …   first day at the new job …   max being your new boss ...   if i can’t persuade you to have a prolonged breakfast with me,   then i’ll at least drive you to work myself.   and i’ll try not to be too clingy when we get there.   no promises. ’

[conziergearch]

From :     helen.sharpe@nhs.net To :     max.goodwin@namc.com, @rizico​ Subject :     Biopsy results

Dear Max,

I am probably the last person you want to receive an e-mail from.   I know I could have written you sooner,   or maybe called.   I think about you and Luna every day …   I can’t even talk to Lauren without having to pretend.   And please don’t be upset with her ——   I didn’t know how to do this on my own,   didn’t know how to not miss you.   Or Luna.

Dr. Gellar forwarded me your biopsy results,  Max.   Please message me as soon as you’re available for a phone call ?   I wanted to call Elizabeth when you didn’t pick up earlier ...   but,  knowing you ——   knowing that you would rather drag your drip all across New Amsterdam than sit still for just an hour ——   you probably have not told her.   And I don’t think I have the right to be upset that you didn’t tell me,  either,   not after everything I put you through.   But I’m worried about you.   I want nothing more than to hear your voice and have you tell me I’m misinterpreting these results.   That there’s no reason for me to pack my bag and come visit you.

You’re my best friend.   Or you were my best friend,   and so much more than that.   I don’t know what else to say other than that I’m thinking of you,  constantly,   and I haven’t not thought about you and everything you mean to me since leaving.   How can I help ?

With love, Helen

[conziergearch]

                      grin stretches across her features once brown eyes catch sight of her,   arm looping around the president’s shoulders in greeting ――   and @foxtaeil​’s still got that air around her,   like a hawk :   beautiful,   terrifying,   makes it terribly difficult to keep her composure on public television.   first time she met her,   she felt like vomiting.   funny,   how some things never change ――   but she’s always admired her for it.   even now,   sinking back onto her heels and with a persistent grin,   the heart palpitations underneath a heaving chest are pleasant.   the president.   she still can’t believe it.   she made it,   mellie really made it.     “ you have no idea how glad i am that you could make it, ”     jitters.   positive jitters.   she exhales a heavy breath.     “ you’ve got bodyguards, mel !   and the white house ! ―― ”   cheeky smirk,   then :     “ ――   that doesn’t make you quite as cool as ella fitzgerald,   but i think it’s cool enough. ”

[conziergearch]

                   regarding the canon divergence.   she should have never let max in.   it’s a mistake,   not because she doesn’t love him ――   she’s never been more sure of anything in her life.   but the timing is never right.   between the threat of him getting his custody over luna revoked,  sending mina off to attend cambridge across the pond,   and seeing her mother cough up blood,   it’s a mistake made out of insecurity.   everything seems fragile,   and max …   he doesn’t.   he radiates a comforting chaos in which every reluctant doubt is drowned out.   but she knows the moment she opens the door to him panting and staring at her :   she cannot let him in and not break his heart.   several days pass between her return from london and the night she spends with max ;   days during which she mulls the decision to leave over and over and over.   lauren knows of her doubts and the urge to change something back home.   it isn’t a decision to makes lightly,   and it isn’t a decision she makes just for herself :   there’s a wound in her chest,   has been there as long as she can remember.   she wants a child,   she’s wanted a child since she was young ――   but something tells her that as long as she has that gaping injury pouring blood from her rib cage,   the same she sees on her mother’s breast every time she looks at her,   she’ll hand it down to whatever life she attempts to grow.

and so it unfolds ;   she apologises.   no apology has ever come more reluctantly over her lips than the one uttered to max in the aftermath of a kiss that shouldn’t have taken place.   the relationship ends before it even begins.   she knows that a long distance relationship would just ruin them both.   she’d pull him down with her ――   and new amsterdam needs max,   in just that way she doesn’t.

she keeps in contact with lauren,   avoiding max as though that could make the heartache easier.   when she returns to spend the night with her friends and suffers a massive stroke as a result of being drugged,   the cracks under her feet become a downward spiral.   for months,   she struggles to get even the simplest sentences out.   no ifs,  ands,  or buts.   the life she’s attempted to build back in london slips out of her hands :   she goes into rehab,   withdraws even further from anyone she knows,   and the ground she’s laid to heal the relationship to her mother gets chapped.   her recovery takes her well into season five,   but there are moments in which she finally allows herself to think about max,  and about luna.   but when she reaches out …   he’s distant.   there’s a lump in his neck.   the words unlock a fear inside her chest that she’s almost successfully made herself forget about :   she returns,   becomes his doctor.   and it’s back to the beginning,  isn’t it ?   this time,   she won’t run when her heart begins stumbling again.

affiliated .     rizico,   max goodwin.     trustschaos,   lauren bloom.     fatalelity,   addison montgomery.   therxsistance,   elizabeth wilder.

                      🖤  this for me to come plot something with you.

[conziergearch]

you look so pretty like this.     @roseguided​,  anna williams.

                    breath is caught in betwixt her lips,   fingers soaked by anna’s sex :   the haste leaves packages scattered across the floor,   the sounds of frames colliding against shelves only muffled by the noise outside in the hallway.   and that’s an afterthought.   it’s not comfortable,   doesn’t have to be ――   caught between wall and door,   she holds her breath just fine.   pretty,   that’s an unexpected compliment :   tongue leaves the petals between parted thighs and allows a little grin.   it’s devilish,   arrogant,   and only spurs the curling of fingertips against tight walls.   head leans back,   permits anna’s hand to run her fingers through dark strands of hair ――   as if it’s not a shameless quickie before she starts her shift.     “ i’m not complaining about my view,  either, ”     murmured in response.   she’ll have to get herself cleaned up after this :   smells like her,   drips of her ――   and the eye contact is maintained when chin dips forward again,   dragging tongue right back to the feast.   all of that,  the mess,  the smell,   are issues she can deal with later,   when focus isn’t excrutiatingly pinned to making her counterpart cum.