#“*the deepest sigh possible* you. spirits. fill the gap.”

[scriptaed]

blue side next door (m);

genre: angst/fluff/implied smut; friends to lover!au; neighbors!au;

pairing: reader x hoseok;

length: 24.1k;

synopsis: between the windows of two souls, one with a perpetually lone heart and another with the scar of an unfaithful partner, the blue side overlooking the roof of their neighborhood best friend is a solace that has stood against the test of time. they were there to lend the other a shoulder to cry on, to spend the entirety of dawn whispering the night away, and to treat them in a way they deserved, a way no one else was capable of; because for the two childhood friends blinded by the thin line between friends and lovers, the soulmate they’ve both been searching for far and wide has always been right next door all along.

As with any college student, Winter and Summer breaks are your favorite times of the year. Your reasons for taking a particular liking to these seemingly long-waiting, fast-passing breaks from the constant hustle of studies, however, most certainly strayed from those of your classmates; because when the constant chatter of your house settles into the background crickets and your digital alarm rings at the stroke of midnight, your hand smacks the clock off a tad harder than necessary and your legs kick against the wooden floor to send you and your chair swiveling toward the window by your desk—because, there, you would lock eyes with an equally ecstatic boy through the windows of a bedroom across from yours. 

The bite of the winter chill blasts through the slightly cracked windows and sends shivers down your back as you work to clear the obstacle between your muffled voice and his—

“—Merry Christmas!” 

The endless streams of white puffs are enough to fill the gap between his windows and yours. 

“It’s not even Christmas yet, dumby,” your neighbor’s laughs are like a familiar tune to confirm your arrival home. Unbeknownst to you, the smile on the dreamy haze of your state remains even as he continues his tease, “I see you’re as on time as always.”

With your favorite golden yellow, oversized tee of his draped over his broad stature, you let out a breath of relief over the spark in the air that has remained resilient yet ever the more bold throughout the years. Enraptured by the luminescence of his honey-like skin that glows under the beam of the moonlight and the way the apples of his cheeks raises at the sight of his best friend, you begin to play connect the dots between the stars of the galaxy and those of his eyes, pearly whites, and golden tee. The penmanship of his breath evaporates into the beautifully painted sapphire night sky bedazzled by the stars before you—and that’s when you know, finally, you are home. 

“I could say the same for you,” you muse, although you’ll never confess having set up an alarm the second you had returned home a week before his break had even started. “See, I’ve been telling you all this time! I can always tell whenever you’re near. It has to be a sixth sense that only best friends have for each other.”

The boy raises a brow and prims a crooked grin as he leans into his hand with an elbow perched to the sill, “you really think I can’t hear your alarm every night from just several feet across?”

“You—” your lips fall agape and your cheeks turn beet red in the wake of the winter winds “—you knew about it all this time?!” 

“Of course,” he cackles and shrugs as if it’s an elementary principle of common sense, “for someone who always forgot to turn in her homework in middle school and high school? To remember to talk to a boy? Not to mention me? As if.” 

“Hey… I remember to turn in my stuff now… occasionally,” you frown, “but who are you to talk? Last time I recalled, I had to wake you up from oversleeping on finals week!”  

“Oh, touché,” his lips form a wide, goofy grin and his gaze leaves yours for the sky, as if trying to scavenge through the remnants of his memories. A brief silence filters the air before the both of you cover your mouths in a fruitless attempt to muffle your cackles. Perhaps there’s something about the winter chills, cold to the bone and homage to the holiday spirit, but there’s something about this very spot—next to your window sill unbeknownst to the daze of both households and your childhood friend laughing along with you from right across, concealed by the secrecy of night—that always has your blood has spiked with vigor and the irrational belief that you and him could conquer any and every fear. “So, how’s life without your neighborhood best friend?” 

“Psh, ‘best friend.’ To be honest, not too bad,” you snort at the pressed grin he forces onto his face before sighing and shooting him a wink, “could be a lot better, though.” 

The to-be-receiver of your affectionate symbol raises his hand to flick the signal away and off into the abyss that is the concrete floor two stories beneath. “I would like to feign surprise but I’d like to think you’d be able to see through it by now. Do you at least have any suitors this time around?”

“Why? Are you trying to subtly flex winning our bet for the third time in a row now?” you take a deep breath and heaved a heavy sigh, plopping onto your arms on the sill. This must have been the third year since starting college that you’ve failed to find a plus-one for Christmas. “Or are you trying to make me feel even lonelier on ‘tis cuffing season?” 

Hoseok gapes in response to your accusations, raising his hands to the air. “Hey, I only proposed that bet because I didn’t want to leave you alone on Christmas. In fact, you should be grateful for having such a great best friend!”

“Yeah, yeah,” you smile to yourself because he’s right, “well, I guess you’re gonna have to treat me to dinner again.”

“Actually,” whatever he’s about to say brings a sweet smile to his lips and you can practically hear the honey of his voice, “I cleared up my schedule for this break and was planning to take you out for movie regard—”

—buzz.

 A brief silence befalls the both of your lips as your eyes dart between Hoseok’s curious ones from across and your phone that vibrates one time, two times on the white tabletop beside you. From your peripheral view, you vaguely catch a series of text messages popping onto your screen before narrowing your eyes at your best friend. 

“Why are you texting me when we’re literally talking right here?”

“What?” he frowns with a smile of disbelief. “When have I ever taken my eyes off you this entire time?”

“Well,” you pause to affirm his argument, “who else would be texting me at midnight?” 

Your best friend takes a long second to ponder before sincerely answering with the straightest face possible, “...spam?”

“Thanks,” you snort, rolling your eyes as you reach for the phone, “I’m not sure if I should be offended or not—”

—a gust of escaping air collapses your lungs. 

“What? Who is it?” you can hear your best friend peeking his head out through the window, almost as if he could squint his way through the walls between you and him. “Who texted you? Is it spam? I was right, wasn’t I? Y/NNNN—”

“—Jin texted me.”

The confession stuns those befallen to the abrupt news, including you; and the next thing you know, Hoseok’s widened eyes are shooting darts at you for more information. 

“Jin?” he articulates. “You mean Kim Seokjin from high school?” 

Your eyes blink blankly, still staring at the screen, “yeah.”

“The one you’ve been crushing on since forever?” 

Throwing a glare at your best friend’s lack of hesitation over tossing your deepest and darkest secrets out into the night air for everyone to hear, you mumble, “...yeah. That Seokjin.”

“Oh, well,” Hoseok plops back into his armchair, recollecting himself, “what did he say?”

Heart racing, blood pumping, and stomach fluttering, you fail to notice your grin that stretches from ear to ear. With each passing second, the surreality of the sight before you becomes all the harder to believe, because who would have thought your second ever crush in your life and your first crush in high school would be texting you out of the blue? 

Jin😍 [12:45 A.M.] hey! it’s been a while!

Jin😍 [12:45 A.M.] how have you been?

Jin😍 [12:46 A.M.] if you’ve started break already, i hope it’s been going well. and if not, good luck on finals. i’m actually home for the break and wanted to grab dinner with you some time and catch up? we could watch a movie, too. 

“He…” you manage to stammer as Hoseok quirks a brow, “he…”

A lightbulb flashes when your best friend grabs something on his desk to fiddle with for the next ten seconds—a motion you’ve grown to recognize all too well—and the next thing you know, a paper airplane comes flying your way. 

Clasping the plane in both hands, you unfold the paper only to cackle at the bold red B- slathered across one side opposite of the blank. Another pair of eyes, on the other hand, shoots daggers at the snickering you’ve invested little to no effort in concealing. For better or for worse, nothing seems to have changed between you and Hoseok, and that fact becomes all the more evident as you held the paper airplane in your hands; because even now, you can still reminisce over the fateful night when the nine year old boy had suggested to the sheepish nine year old girl to write whatever thoughts she struggled to voice onto a paper airplane she could send flying over to his newly moved-into-bedroom. Unbeknownst to the boy, the bashful demeanor only stemmed from the silly adolescent crush you held for the boy since his first introduction to your family and it’s a secret you’ll keep stubbornly buried for years, even as you’ve outgrown both the mien and crush of your childhood days. One thing that you two have never outgrown, however, is the use of paper airplanes. Whether it’s for old time’s sake or for its actual purpose, you’ve never paid mind to. 

For you, it’s been a relief to have a stable, constant friendship you could rely on, regardless of the circumstances. Hoseok has been your pillar, your sole source of solace even in your darkest times and there was nothing you could have traded this relationship for. 

The next minute flows as if it were all second nature to you: grabbing a pen, you shut your eyes and hurriedly, albeit abashedly, scribble the words you had struggled to voice before and sent the airplane flying into the blue side.

Receiving your message, your best friend seems taken aback for a moment, both brows raising for the briefest of moments before settling into a thick coating of unsurprise, almost as if he had seen this coming from miles away. His expression paints a million words and, as always, you excitedly await for the vocalization of the myriad of reactions that had just plastered on his face; but today, he simply manages to utter a simple, “oh.”

“‘Oh?’ Are you kidding me, Hoseok?” you gape before falling into a fit of giggles. “This crush that I’ve been gushing over to you about for the. entirety. of. high. school. has finally acknowledged my existence? And not to mention, asked me out on a date? This is the moment we’ve both been waiting for!”

“I know, I’m happy for you,” Hoseok nods, the corner of his lips lifting into the gentlest of smiles. Cocking his head and kicking his feet onto the desk hidden behind the wall beside him, he rests his head onto the window sill, “so, what are you going to do?”

“What am I going to do? I’m finally going to be cuffed for the holiday season!” you don’t realize you’ve been twirling around your bedroom until you catch yourself taking a deep breath after a shortage of air. Finally, you plop into your chair, swivel toward the window in one swift motion, and breathe out a puff of white into the blue with a smile still stuck in a reverie. “I guess I’ll be the one treating you to dinner this year, buddy.” Hoseok prims his lips even tighter than before, hesitating to nod his head in agreement when you frown at his reaction. With a knitted expression, your voice settles into one of concerns, “do you have plans for Christmas…?”

“...no,” his answer comes with a stagnant silence of pondrance and his eyes fall to the sill before him. “Probably not. Actually, no. I won’t be.” 

“Hold up, no, that doesn’t seem like a no to me,” you shake your head, leaning forward as he reclines into his seat and inches away into his room. “Do you have a date? It’s not with… her, is it?” Something drops in your already knotted stomach when he merely turns his head to the side and away from you. “After all the times she’s—” you hesitate to proceed but how else are you supposed to wake him up? “—cheated on you, why do you keep going back to her? I know you’re the sweetest, most understanding person, but why do you forgive her after all the pain she’s put you under? You deserve better, Hoseok. I know you do.”

Darkness befalls his face inch by inch akin to the inked clouds that shrouds the stars of the sky above you, for the once welcoming windows of his soul shun you from the outside-in. It’s been a while since you’ve observed such anguish overtake the cheery sun that was your best friend. The only moments of relapse were in the times of Hoseok’s on-and-off relationship with his ex—a fact that sends your chest throbbing and your guts twisting, for the hidden tears of your best friend shed at midnight in the comforts of the window sill beside yours pains you so. 

This time, however, the boy shies away from his usual spilling of the heart. What had incurred such change, you were left to wonder alone; because regardless of if you were to peer through the familiar panes of the window or if you were to grab the handles and force your way in, your neighborhood childhood best friend had left you living and breathing in the cold cold in anticipation for someone who would never return. 

“It’s different this time,” he lowly states and you can barely hear him over the wind that tousles his locks and yours. His words fail you, for the boy proceeds to stand to his feet and reach for the handles of his windows sitting in the night’s wrath all while you stare at him aghast. “Alright, it’s getting late now—” liar, you two have always talked late into the night, sometimes even ‘til daylight “—I’m heading off to bed. You should, too.”

“Hoseok,” you begin your last plea in desperation, peering up at the boy who meets your gaze with soulless orbs, “promise me you’ll take care of yourself. Please, at least for me.”

The boy presses his lips into a soft upturn of affirmation, if only to please his best friend. “I will. I promise. And you,” he points a stern finger at you with a chuckle, “be careful around that boy. I swear I’ll rip him to shreds if he ever even thinks about hurting you.”

“You wouldn’t,” you snort, despite the fact that his threats has your insides melting. 

“I sure would,” he firmly retorts. 

“You might punch him but I don’t think you have the heart to ‘rip them to shreds.’”

“I would if it were for you,” Hoseok finally cracks a smile when he watches the snicker creep onto your lips as you rolled your eyes because you knew very well in your heart that Hoseok would indeed be the last one standing beside your side, even if the whole world were to doubt you. As a final farewell of the dawn, the boy kicks the chair to the side and shoots you one last, firm look. “And make sure you tell him that.”

“Okay, okay,” you laugh, shifting to lean your left cheek into your arms on the sill. The golden warmth of the crescent moonlight strikes the apples of his honey tan cheeks so as to illuminate every perfect imperfection you’ve come to adore through the years. Still stuck in a daydream, you smile, “goodnight, Hoseok.”

Your best friend returns the gesture with a pressed upturn of the lips. “Goodnight,” he utters, before shutting his windows and blinds.

One, two, three—you giggle to yourself when he peeks through curtains just to give you one last wave, as if on cue to your whispers—and finally, he’s gone. 

Normally, you would return to your bed to scroll through your phone and occasionally send one last text to your best friend with whatever mischief you could muster; but tonight, something about the electricity of the cold-cutting air, the spirit of the holidays, and flutters of having been asked out by your crush of many years has you staring out your window for many more hours to come. 

Because tonight, the blue side soaring over the silhouette of your neighborhood best friend’s bedroom ceiling shines to a deep, melancholic fanfare no one has ever quite seen before.

-

“Hey, have you been waiting for long?” 

A voice that you have to scavenge through your memories to identify calls out to you through the breeze that reddens your already beet-red cheeks and frozen tip of the nose. Jittering in place to keep yourself warm, you begin to regret having dressed so poorly for the weather. Black stockings, boots, and a wool jacket were, in fact, not enough to compensate for an above-the-knee skirt. If beauty is pain, then you were the manifestations of the downsides to dating. Still, you’ve always wanted to dress to impress, regardless of who you were meeting; because, in moments like this, you realize just how much you’ve taken Hoseok’s offering of his jacket and scarves for granted. 

Tonight, however, you politely shake your head and force a smile, despite your chattering teeth and frosting breath. “No, I just got here—” maybe only five minutes ago, but still, Hoseok would have made sure to have been five minutes earlier “—the theater is just down the street from where I live.” 

“Oh, is that so?” Jin gasps. “I could have picked you up, then. Next time for sure, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” your attempt to hide your smile is in vain, for you can’t help but internally scream at the confirmation of a next date, “next time for sure.”

The jitters that send your bloodstream on a high skyrockets when Jin skillfully swipes an arm around and over your shoulder, the heat of his firm arms sending chills down your otherwise freezing back as he guides you toward the theater and quirks his head to the side to peer down at you with a lopsided smile, “so, how have you been, Y/N?”

If it weren’t for the knot in your throat, you would have been squealing at the top of your lungs, for the sole connection between your gaze and his own sultry ones sent an amass of butterflies fluttering in your stomach; and it’s at this moment that you wonder to yourself: so this must be how it feels to date during Christmas… and even if it twists your chest and sinks your spirits, you have to wonder: is this also how Hoseok feels when he meets with his ex? 

The endless stream of foolish questions persists to interfere throughout the date, because by the end of the movie, you don’t even realize the missing extra large size of popcorn and drinks that Hoseok would have most definitely prepared for the both of you. It must have been your fault, though, because you can’t even recall having denied an offer for snacks prior to the movie. Did Jin even offer? Did you offer? Or were you two busy catching up that you had forgotten? Maybe Jin wasn’t much of a snacker. Regardless, your first date at the movies tonight seems to be much more revealing of your incompetence and Hoseok’s compensating competence than you would have liked to acknowledge. 

“Are you…” Jin chortles in disbelief as the two of you weave through the bustling crowd next to the theater’s exit. “...are you really crying?” 

“What do you mean am I actually crying?” you sniffle, forgetting to wipe the waterworks that stain your cheeks. “The movie was so freaking sad. I’m not usually a crier, but don’t you think it was at least a little sad?” 

“No, not really,” he furrows his brows and awkwardly laughs at your mess. “You need some tissues to… wipe… your tears?” 

Oh shit, your eyes shoot wide open when you realize just how much of a mess you must have appeared. This had never been a concern of yours before, but you were on a date right now, for God’s sake! In front of the Kim Seokjin, not to mention. How could you ruin your first date with the boy you’ve been wanting to kiss since forever? Would he even want to kiss you with snot running down your nose? Would there even be a second date at this point?!

Quickly accepting his offering of a tissue, you sheepishly turn away to blow your nose and collect yourself. You can hear Jin laughing briefly to himself from behind but your cheeks continue to burn bright red as you become all the more self conscious by the second. A state of panic settles in your frenzied heart when, out of the blue, you hear a familiar name escape Jin’s lips. 

“Oh, if it isn’t Jung Hoseok!” 

“Hoseok…?” you mumble to yourself, whirling around with a frown only to find yourself gutted at the sight of your best friend. 

“Y/N,” Hoseok’s nod of the head comes to an abrupt stop and his eyes are struck with a mix of both terror and fury when he notices your own bloodshot eyes. His death glare flickers to the boy beside you. Through gritted teeth, he mutters, “I’ll give you two choices. Either you fucking run and never see her again or I beat your fucking—”

“—whoa, whoa,” Jin raises his hands in mercy, “she’s crying because of the movie, bro. Calm down, are you her boyfriend or am I?”

It’s odd that an unsettling premonition sends you churning, despite the fact that he had just proclaimed himself as your boyfriend. What exactly is it about this moment that startles you so? Hoseok’s presence? His mistake? Or is there something about Jin’s reaction that fails to satisfy? 

But the more you ponder, the more you come to realize the question that had your chest gnawing and your heart pounding anxiously at the edge of its seat all this time.

“Wait, Hoseok, why are you here…?” you barely murmur as the two of them pause their stare-down to turn toward you. “Are you here for her—”

“—you two know each other?” Jin interrupts, quirking a brow when you simply nod. “From where?”

“We’re neighbors,” Hoseok replies before you can utter a word. You could tell Jin was about to raise a question of concern in regards to your relationship by the moment of hesitation and Hoseok’s abrupt response. Your best friend points his thumb back over his shoulder where a girl’s restroom sign hovers behind. “My date’s in the restroom right now, so I’m just waiting for her.”

“Oh,” you can nearly hear Jin sigh a breath of relief, “okay, well, we gotta get going, right, Y/N?”

“Huh?” you glance between Jin, who smiles gently at you with those perfectly perk lips of his, and Hoseok, who has you agonizing for your best friend’s well-being despite his current beckoning for you to continue on your little date without a trace of worry. “Wait, but Hoseok—”

“—yeah, don’t worry about me,” Hoseok chortles, shining a bright grin at the two of you and taking a step backward toward the direction of whom you assumed to be his repulsive ex. “I’ll catch up with you later, Jin! See you at home, Y/N.” 

“...right,” Jin can only mutter under his breath, for the boy had already jogged off into the distance. Squeezing your hand, Jin’s sudden touch against your bare skin has your heart skipping a beat above your previously unsettling state of mind. “Let’s go and have some fun, Y/N. I’ll walk you home, too.”

The thought of skipping through town and whisking the night away with the apple of your eye has your grin stretching from ear to ear and your extremities buzzing with electricity; but even so, as Jin holds your hand firmly in his like a prized treasure you had always wished to be, you can’t help but glance over your back at the boy who had left your heart heavy and crestfallen for many impending sleepless nights all in the surging waves of his wake.

-

Tonight’s sky radiates sapphire, too, albeit more sober and less star-studded, a stark contrast to the one next door. Nonetheless, as you stroll through the neighborhood hand-in-hand with the boy of your dreams and rest your head against his sturdy arms to gaze up into midnight, you’re transcended into the soft wraps of your blanket where your cheeks would ache and your heart would warm as you peered out of your bedroom windows throughout the ephemeral dreamy exchange.

“Do you have a thing for astronomy?” Jin implores, the break of the silence and the squeeze of his hands snap you back into reality. The lock between his hands and yours allows you to feel every callus and rough inch of his skin and you begin to wonder if he could feel your heart pacing with each passing second that he held you so intimately like this. 

Clearing the knot in your throat with a gulp, you manage to meekly utter, “not in particular,” before returning your sights to peer up at the boy with a grin. When his eyes meet yours, however, the sudden contact has you jolting from a spike of joyous thrill—because, for heaven’s sake, the crush you’ve been gushing over for years was looking into your eyes!

“Whoa, is my face really that frightening?” Jin chuckles with another squeeze to your hand. “Hey, I don’t know if it was just me, but I really thought there was a connection between us tonight. You can be comfortable, you know. I’m not going anywhere.”

To this day, there was really only one place of solace of whom you could spill your heart to and that was by the side of your window; so when your frenzied mind finally manages to register his last words of affirmation, your heart holds onto the hope of a newfound home. Bobbing your head with elation, your sights lower to the floor bashfully in a fruitless attempt to hide your cheeky smile, for the laugh of his that follows is enough to confirm the similar wavelength of giddiness between you both. 

After a minute of walking with interlocked hands and basking in utter bliss, this time it’s your turn to break the silence, “....and we have arrived!”

“What?” Jin groans, grabbing both your hands when you turn to face him in preparation for your parting. “Why do you have to live so close?”

You giggle at his perspective, “well, think about it this way: the closer I live, the more often you can visit me.” 

“Can I visit you now, then?” his lips upturn into a suggestive quirk of the grin—his eyes, however, were focused elsewhere, for when you follow his line of sight and find yourself staring at the flamboyant red strap of your bra peeking out from under your black blouse, your cheeks turn an equally beet red. 

Did you just flash your boyfriend on the very first date? 

“Absolutely not!” you gawk, pulling on your sleeves and crossing your hands protectively over your chest. “We are not that comfortable yet!” 

“Yet, I’m glad to hear that,” he emphasizes, turning away to glance at your house. The two of you exchange a brief moment of laughter when you sheepishly slap his arm for his antics when silence overcomes the conversation and his inscrutable eyes darken with their sights pinned on the two houses before him. “Does he come over often?”

“Who?” you arch a brow just as a lightbulb goes off in your mind. Eyes wandering away from your boyfriend and settling on the bedroom windows of your best friend’s, your heart stirs and your gut contorts by the wrath of today’s flashbacks. If your heart hurts you so, to the point that you’re doubting time’s capabilities as remedy, your spirits sink even lower when you consider: how must Hoseok be feeling? “Oh, Hoseok?”

 Jin only nods, keeping his eyes on the two windows facing one another within an arm’s distance across. Glancing between your window and Hoseok’s, you notice the oddity of your heart’s skips at the sight of golden warmth radiating from his drawn curtains. He must be awake. Is he waiting for you? What is he doing? How is he feeling? 

Even from this distance away, you could practically see the warmth of his room and feel the heat thaw those ice cold hands of yours. Your chest throbs at the thought of another night’s exchange with Hoseok but your thoughts are abruptly interrupted by the barely audible breaths of the actual boy beside you. 

What has your heart racing and your blood flooding with this euphoric thrill? Perhaps it’s the excitement to babble to Hoseok about how perfectly well the date and the anticipation that had built up over the entirety of the day, you figured; but was it right to feel this way? Is it normal to feel this way over the mere lights of his room?

 “No,” you finally answer cautiously, wary of Jin’s sudden change in demeanor. “We’re family friends but he doesn’t come over often.” 

For some reason, you decide to keep the nightly conversations a secret, even if it meant nothing more than a nostalgic exchange between two best friends. Jin’s unwavering stare between your window and Hoseok’s, however, has you plagued with a guilt that would startle your sleep for many nights to come. 

“Does he ever see you like that?” he lowly speaks with a tinge of growl in his voice. 

“Like what…?” your voice trails as your mind scrambles to find his reference—oh, your cheeks redden once again at the thought of your undergarments. Has Hoseok ever seen your undergarments? The thought had never occurred to you until now, and as much as you thought you wouldn’t care if he indeed has, the frenzy that settles in your heart tells you otherwise. He’s your best friend though, a childhood friend, so does it really matter if he did? “No, I don’t think so… That would only be possible if I had forgotten to close my curtains while changing, but… I don’t think Hoseok would be the type to… look. He probably would scold me afterwards, too—”

“—but would he? Would he really not look?” Jin cuts, turning toward you to reveal the stern look of his knitted expression. “I don’t know how close you two are, but guys are all the same, Y/N. You should be careful.” 

Something about his orders, the deadpan of his voice and the demand of his eyes, send an unfamiliar series of chills down your spine. The boy that stands before you is a stark contrast from the ex baseball player, high school graduate you had just spent the entirety of the night gushing over with your every being wrapped around his finger. 

The stagnant, stiff silence that ensues catches the both of you off guard, for neither of you were prepared for the vexed look on your face over the antagonization of your best friend. To reconcile, Jin lets out a sigh intermixed with a soft laugh and pats the side of your arm. The edges of his eyes soften as his thumb rubs circles into your skin and his lips prim into a slight smile. The gentle, more familiar intonation of his voice return when he speaks, “just be a bit more careful, okay? For me?”

He must have been concerned for your safety. Perhaps jealous of your friendly relations with Hoseok, you figured, as many friends have questioned your true relationship with your best friend that happens to be a male. Plus, you and Jin were dating now. As your boyfriend, he had all the more reasons to be concerned. 

As much as it irks you to witness anyone villainizing Hoseok, you couldn’t exactly blame Jin, could you...? 

“Jin, I’ll be fine. Hoseok wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, but thank you for worrying,” you quickly stand on the tip of your toes to plant a firm kiss to his cheeks, stunning him with those wide eyes of his before he could persist. “I’ll be careful just for you, though, okay?” 

Your boyfriend nods, his cheeks just barely a tint of pink—whether from the cold or your touch, you would like to think the latter—and the two of you part after a lengthy exchange of beckoning for the other two leave first and a drawn out bidding of repetitive farewells. As cold as Jin had made the last few minutes of the date, he had compensated much more than enough with the swarm of butterflies that filled your insides at the moment as you skipped your way up the stairs and into your room. 

The golden hues of light that floods your room only augments to the warmth of your state as you hum to yourself and proceed to discard your clothes in exchange for far more comfortable pajamas. There goes the stockings, the skirt, the sweater, you toss them onto your bed as you search for the bunny pajamas you had worn for the past week or two when, out of the blue, a sliding of the curtains interrupt your tunes and the golden warmth of your room disappears to leave you in the dark. Your heart nearly stops when you come to realize what had just occurred. 

Slowly turning, you peer over the side of your bed half naked only to find his curtains closed and the lights of his bedroom replaced by the beam of moonlight which streams into your own opened curtains. Shit, did you just break your promise to Jin within minutes of making it? Heart racing and blood flowing to heat every inch of your body, you start to squirm uncontrollably at the thoughts that plague you for the next hour to come. 

Did Hoseok see you in just your bras and panties? Did he see everything? How much did he see? When did he see? How long did he watch?  

Throwing on your pajamas, you hastily close your curtains and bury yourself into your bed only to scream into your pillows at the top of your lungs. Well, at the very least, Hoseok was as much of a gentleman as you had predicted to Jin. There was no way he would have peaked for a second longer than he should have when he realized your curtains were mistakenly drawn open, or at least that’s what you would like to think in order to sleep at night. 

Regardless, the most pressing concern you have to face at the moment has you in shambles as the clock nearly strikes midnight: how were you going to face him after that? 

The answer would have been simple—you wouldn’t—but when you peek over at your curtains from under the blankets and you run over the events of today, you’re gutted by the reminder of Hoseok’s feigned smile last night and the forced assurance he had given you before you left him for Jin at the theater tonight. 

As much as you’re reluctant to count, you’ve been through this scene more than enough times before. Hoseok’s on-and-off relationship with his ex were never without its complications. Ghosting, cheating, stood up, the inflictions his ex had afflicted on Hoseok were endless. It pained you every time you return home, hoping Hoseok had not just undergone another heartbreak. Hoseok has always been too patient, too forgiving. He never really learned and you despise him for it so. Judging by the red flags of last night, if your daunting predictions were correct, your problems were much less of one than what he must be going through.  

You weren’t given much time to contemplate over your choices, though, for your best friend seems to have beaten you to it when a series of knocks at your window allures you back into reality where your duties lie ahead and across from your bedroom window. 

Firmly planting your feet to the ground, you stride toward your window sill, drawing open the curtains and pushing apart the panes—whoosh. A paper airplane comes flying toward your face just as you welcome the blue side guest of the winter night sky into your room, just barely dodging it as it whirls to the floor. 

how was the date? 

Bending over, you grab the surprisingly blank piece of paper off the floor. Rolling your eyes at his antics, you twirl around to face your window with a mass of emotions scrambled in the mess that is your state of mind only to be stunned into silence by the sight before you; because just as reliably he had stayed by your side through all your ups and downs in every milestone, days, months, and years, he sits there by his window, leaning his cheeks into his hands with an elbow propped against the sill, waiting for you to spill your heart over another day’s work of hassles, delights, or disappointments—silently, resiliently, perpetually. 

It’s ironic that in moments like this, when you’re staring at the very person whom has incessantly proven their faith time and time again, that you come to acknowledge your greatest fear. 

What were you to do if the day were to arrive when you peer out of your windows and meet an empty room of closed curtains and lackluster midnight skies? 

“So?” Hoseok quirks his head to the side with a smile that raises the apples of his cheeks; and while the sight of the cheery boy before you would have usually lifted you from the lowest of lows, this side of him hits you different tonight—for tonight he is blue, feigning to be golden, neither sapphire like the bejeweled galaxy nor ocean like the tenacious waves that were to rise from its inevitable crashes. 

Tonight, he dutifully plays the role of the usual jolly best friend. Tonight, Hoseok pretends to be okay when he’s not for the sake of you, and as much as you knew he was well aware of the fact that you could see right through him, his helpless attempt to convince the both of you otherwise tugs at your strings. You could always tell the weather of his side, sometimes even better than he was even aware of. You are his best friend, his childhood friend, his one constant source of consolidation. Hoseok knew you could unmask that forced upturn of his lips—you always could—so to see him there, sitting across from you with that bittersweet, crooked lips of his, it’s almost as if he had no choice but to lie. 

“Why…” your lips quiver and your voice cracks when his smile disappears along with every trace of lies on his face. He watches you, muted and numb, neither apologetic nor confused, for he knew this would happen all along. “Why are you acting as if you’re okay when you’re not?” 

“What do you mean? I’m fine—”

“—you’re clearly not!” you blurt to hide your series of deep, shaky breaths. “I hate it when you act like everything is fine, as if anything that happens to you is trivial and no one should care but the truth is I care more than anything else in the world.”  

When Hoseok remains silent, peering up at you, unmoved and inscrutable, the gnawing of your chest comes to the forefront. 

“I always spill my heart to you. I’ve bawled my eyes out at midnight and I’ve screamed my lungs out over the dumbest things. Why can’t you do that for me?” your voice hitches but you persist. “You don’t have to tell me what happened, but why can’t you understand that you’re worthy, that I want you to at least cry and scream when your heart wants to instead of bottling it up as if no one cared enough to listen?” 

Seeing as the boy remains silent, perhaps, knowing him, even a bit amused by your babbling, your fiery emotions manifest in the form of fury as you hastily grab a piece of paper, scribble holes and words into the blank space, and fold the message into a delicate, flawed paper plane before tossing it straight into the opposing side. 

The boy receives it with utmost ease, eyes remaining fixated on you and posture retaining in its casual lean as he raises a hand where the paper plane lands perfectly into its fate between his two fingers. Unfolding the paper slowly, the slightest of smiles makes an appearance on Hoseok’s otherwise unmoved mien. 

“‘I want to cry with my best friend,’” he reads with a chuckle. 

Gulping, your eyes follow his every action as if your life depended on it. Your best friend, on the other hand, ignores your dartlike focus as he grabs a pen, twirls it between his fingers, eyes darkened and affixed to the paper, and finally tosses the plane to the side of his desk. Alas, the boy lifts his sunken line of sight to connect with your own lost ones for the first time of the night; and when he gazes at you, he does so with conviction, but when he speaks, he does so apathetically, for when he deadpans his next confession, your heart becomes equally numb. 

“She stood me up for another guy.” 

His words echo in the cold, his confession a stark contrast to the holiday lights that brings sparkles throughout nightfall and the smiles that surround your family and his and everyone else in the neighborhood with the only exceptions being you and him. They refuse to depart even in the wrath of the winter wind and, instead, begrudgingly lingering in the space between you and him as if to incessantly pour salt on his wound. 

The holiday spirits were not all to blame, however, for your silence is just as much of a mockery to him as the neighborhood that reminded him this time of the year was for joy and his pain was invalid. You had encouraged him to speak his mind, to cry his heart out to you, yet when it really came down to it, your mind runs blank. It isn’t that you don’t want to speak—it’s that you can’t. Something in your chest sinks, something in you shrivels and contorts and there really aren’t any words that could adequately convey the pitted, gutted weight that dawns upon you when he shares his burdens with you; even so—with all the pain of your being and the numbness of your mind that only shrills at you with questions like how were you to survive and bear this state for a duration that seems so vigorous at this point in time—if it were to lighten his burden even the slightest, you would do it all again in the beat of a heart.

The more you mulled in your endless cycle of thoughts, regretting your lack of interference in Hoseok’s evidently toxic relationship, the more your internal mess of emotions manifested itself externally; because before you know it, your nose is sniffling and your cheeks are staining under the warm waterworks that flow from your vision blurred by ripples, as if you were gazing at the surface from underwater.  

“What are you doing,” Hoseok chuckles, a breath of disbelief escaping his upturned lips, “you silly girl, why are you crying over someone else’s pain?” 

“I-I’m not crying,” you retort, reclining in defeat when Hoseok arches a brow and you sniffle as if on cue. It’s okay to cry, to sniffle, to sob and look like a total mess with disheveled, uncombed hair and unmatching pair of pajamas, because you’ve done it all around him. To you, there’s no one else but him whom could make you feel as comfortable even in your most vulnerable state as him. “But it’s not just ‘someone,’ I’m crying over your pain, Hoseok. I-it’s not like I would cry for just anyone… i-it’s just that,” you babble through your hiccups because the both of you are well aware that once your jar of insults regarding his ex has been opened, there’s no going back. “I-I hate how she could hurt you like this. I hate the thought of anyone hurting you. You don’t deserve to be hurt, you don’t deserve this. She treats you like shit, and I hate the fact that you still forgive her after all that she’s done, but what I hate most is how she never fucking cherishes you when she has my best friend, my whole world, in her hands—” Hoseok never budges, sitting and watching you as still as he could, as if even the slightest of movements would interrupt this moment “—you’re not really that smart but you damn could be if you wanted to, maybe. You’re good looking, you’re damn charming, you’re the most loving, patient, understanding, and gentle guy and any girl would be lucky to have you. I just don’t fucking understand why she can’t see that.” 

Hoseok doesn’t answer in response to your confession. He simply gazes at you in silence, cautious to conceal every movement that would give him away—but his eyes were beautifully expressive, enough to paint you a thousand words. He watches you, carefully and intently, as if the apple of his eye was a delicate flower threatened by the spoilt of his touch. He doesn’t speak, but his utter attention for you and only you are enough for even you, with the lowest of self-esteem, feel treasured like a pearl hidden away from the intrusive peers of the world. 

And now, out of the blue, you begin to shy away with a heart thumping in sought for stability and a shift in your wavering eyes. 

Has his stare always had this impact on you? 

Finally, Hoseok lets out a breath of a chuckle, shifty eyes peering down at the side and away from your gaze but the stretch of his lopsided grin that were enough to raise the apples of his cheeks were enough for anyone to ravish at. A long minute of comfortable silence stills the air, your confession lying out in the open between your window and his. The blue of the midnight sky looms over his side tonight, crickets chirp on the side and sprinklers dutifully water the gardens in the neighborhood, while he turns to reconnect his gaze with yours and you wouldn’t dare to break the serenity, for you knew these were the reveries you would long for at school where you were miles away from him. 

Your best friend sighs, lying his head and left cheek into his arms that were perched on his window sill. The boy prims a gentle half-smile, locks of his chestnut hair grazing his sun-kissed skin just over his eyes. As much as your blown steam had amped you into a state of disorder, something about the ocean depths of his eyes restored the tranquility in the night air. He observes you, silently, as if marveling the sight before him. It takes you a dozen more seconds of exchanged glances between you and him before you realize he’s been patiently watching your endless stream of tears and you hastily rub them away with the palms of your hands. 

“Thank you,” Hoseok finally utters.

You frown at his one statement throughout your entire trainwreck of a rant, “for what?” 

“For crying for me,” Hoseok adorns a bittersweet grin at you, heaving a puff of white into the air. “Man, I don’t think I could even cry even if I wanted to.”

“What do you mean…?” you mumble with knitted brows.

“I mean, my best friend would cry even more if she were to see me cry… wouldn’t you?” Hoseok chortles at the way you pout at the thought of his tears. Lifting his head to lean against his hand now with an elbow perched to the sill, he sighs. “Plus, it's kind of odd for me to say it out loud, but… it doesn’t hurt anymore. Her going out of her way to break me… this time, I don’t want to cry or yell or rant like I used to with you. I just don’t feel the pain anymore.”

“Why…?” your breath shakes as your lips quiver, because the thought of Hoseok being so beaten down and repeatedly stomped on to the point of becoming numb to a very humane emotion of distrust has you clearly on the brink of another breakdown. 

“At first I didn’t understand why either,” Hoseok’s eyes avert to you, “but I think I do now.” 

“What—”

“—it’s a secret,” he shoots you a wink and you can’t seem to find the right words to speak, it’s almost as if you’ve been stunned silent. After a long few seconds of silence, one that amuses Hoseok and confuses you, Hoseok continues with an utter under his breath as he begins playing with whatever dust has collected on his sill, “would you… cry for him?” 

“Who?” you could barely manage to crack a sound having bawled your eyes out just minutes prior.

“Your boyfriend,” he snorts, peering up from his sill to shoot an unamused glance, “Seokjin.”

“Oh,” you turn your head to glimpse at the spot on the sidewalk where you and Jin had stood earlier today. Who knew you would have been in this disheveled state when you could have sworn you were on cloud nine just an hour before. Mulling over your thoughts, you could barely notice Hoseok’s stare through it all, “I don’t know… we just started talking. I don’t think I would be able to cry. Hell, I didn’t even know I was capable of crying for others until I met you.”

“Uuuhuh, is that so?” he drawls. “So how was the date tonight? What do you think of him?”

“Jin? Well, I guess , he’s… he’s still as hot as ever. Remember how I always marveled over his lips? Yeah, his lips are just as divine as I remember. He’s super tall and his arms are so sturdy,” you catch yourself before persisting on a tangent.

“So basically you think he’s the one,” he rolls his eyes. 

“Well, it’s still a bit awkward between us. I don’t really blame him for reacting that way though, who the hell cries on their first date?” you shake your head, trying to rid yourself of the embarrassment. “Do you think he hates criers? Oh God, do you think he would still date me if he finds out I’m a crier?” 

“Tsk,” Hoseok snorts, eyes lifting from the ground to peer into yours. Grinning, he speaks, “I don’t know because, frankly, who else would be willing to lend you a shoulder to cry on as often as I do?” 

“There are some people willing to hear me cry!” 

“Who?”

“Um… my friends,” you insist. 

“More than me?” 

“No…” you reply meekly and Hoseok shrugs smugly in response. “But Jin… Jin’s different. He might change once we get to know each other. I like how he knows what he wants and I can tell because he’s never been afraid to tell me…”

Your voice trails into silence as your mind wanders elsewhere, staring at the past where you and Jin had stood. You could still remember the darkening of his eyes. You could still feel the chills down your back. The longer you stared at the remnants of the past as you peered out the window with Hoseok across from you, the more aware you become of the way Jin’s piercing gaze bores a hole into your conscience. 

“...Y/N?” Hoseok quirks his head. 

“I don’t think Jin likes it when I talk to you,” you utter. “He says I should be careful around boys, including you.”

“Oh?” the boy muses, eyes flickering and brows quirking. “Well, he’s not exactly wrong.”

You frown, “what do you mean by that?” 

“I am a guy, am I not?” 

“Well, yes, but you’re different. We—”

“—have you already forgotten what just happened? Did you wear red expecting something to happen between you and him tonight?” he chuckles at the way your cheeks turn beet red and your arms subconsciously cross over your chest—and when his eyes blink once again, they flicker between the calm blue mien of the boy next door and the dark abyss of the enigmatic boy you’ve always struggled to put a finger on. “He’s not wrong, Y/N. You should be careful of me.” 

The rapid thumping of your heart against your chest edges you onto a thrill of venturing into the unknown, yet the cause of such a rise in adrenaline comes to you unidentified. The thought of fearing Hoseok, the only person you’ve ever fully allowed yourself to expose your vulnerable side to, comes across as silly to you; yet why does his warning excite you so? 

After a moment of silence, Hoseok finally persists, “so, what are you going to do?”

“What do you mean what am I going to do?” you repeat, baffled. “Of course I won’t do anything. I get that you’re a guy and he could be jealous and all, but you’re my best friend—”

“—and he’s your boyfriend,” Hoseok emphasizes, raising his hands in defense when you raise a brow at him. “Not that he should have any control over your life, but maybe you should consider his feelings? Maybe a bit of a break between,” he points at the two of you, “us, would help us both.” After watching you stubbornly cross your arms in refusal to oblige, Hoseok sighs. “‘Jessi never really liked it when I mentioned you either.” 

Jessi—for some reason, the sound of her name, her nickname not to mention, leaving his lips is like a cut to your heart. You hate it. You hate how he’s still considerate of his ex. You hate how he mentions her so casually. 

And a break? Between you and Hoseok? The daunting thought weighs heavily on your shoulders and suddenly you feel like the whole world has come crashing down. What were you to do if you needed a shoulder to cry on? A person to chat with through the insomniac nights? This would be the first Christmas you’ve spent without Hoseok in countless years. You can’t even bear that possibility, so what were you to do if it were to become reality? 

“I’m… I’m scared,” you meekly mutter under your breath. “I’m scared we’ll lose contact. I’m scared we’ll change so much that we won’t be able to reconnect. I’m scared I won’t be able to cry comfortably with you. I’m scared things just won’t be the same if we were to stop and it’s a dumb thought because our friendship is so much more than that and maybe I’m worrying too much but I’m scared anyways.”

“You think you’re the only one scared?” Hoseok utters, barely audible as a short zephyr passes by to graze against your locks and his. “The day we stop talking, the day I can’t call you my best friend anymore… I didn’t think anything could hurt me more than she did, but that thought alone… I can’t think of anything that would hurt more,” he turns to gazes at you, delicate yet unfazed with that gentle smile of his, “I don’t think I could ever bear the pain if that day were to ever come. “

“Hoseok, I—” your voice cracks and tingles in the back of your throat reaching the back of your eyes signal for you to stop before you’re sent on another sobbing mess. Fully understanding the situation, Hoseok only chortles at your abrupt silence before gesturing for you to write your thoughts on paper instead. 

The words come easily to you, for the pen slides effortlessly across the paper and the purest forms of your expression manifests in the works of ink. 

I would never hurt you like her. 

 That would be pushing it, perhaps a bit too insensitive, you thought as you hastily push the paper aside; but just as your hands clutch for another paper that now prints “you deserve better,” Hoseok calls out to you from the other side. 

The boy shakes his head and points his finger at your other hand where the other accursed paper remains crumpled.“I thought there were no secrets between us,” he then sing-songs, “honesty is the best policy!”

Groaning, you grumble to yourself in disatisfaction as you quickly scribble down “you deserve better” to the original paper and reluctantly send the paper plane his way. Mentally bracing yourself for the embarrassment that was to come, your efforts are fruitless when the boy receives your secrets with grace and smiles at the paper before quickly scribbling down his own heart and sends it your way. 

and what exactly is that? 

Letting out a breathy chortle, you store the paper plane in the corner of your desk before returning your attention to the peering eyes of his, “I’ll tell you someday when the time is right... but not now.”

“Aww,” Hoseok drawls, scrunching his nose with a playful scowl. “And when would that be?” 

“Hmmm,” you mull over it for the briefest of moments, because you weren’t even sure of the answer yourself but something about the way your eyes can’t help averting to the corner of your desk where the paper plane lies enchanted by the touch of your whole world across the views of your window pane tells you it would serve a purpose in a time more pivotal than now. “I’ve complimented you too many times today. I’ll tell you when you need something to pick you up. Gotta keep that ego in check, y’know?” 

“Uhuh, and who do you think I hang out around enough to get that from?” he snorts, lips downturning and head nodding in disbelief; but when you simply shrug off his retort, the boy finally gives in with a loud huff and a plop against the window sill. He mumbles, lips partially muffled by his arms, “can I at least keep the plane, then?”

“Why?” you laugh at his genuine dejection. “It’s just a piece of paper. I can read it to you everyday, if you want.”

“Really?” Hoseok quirks a brow. The air catches your last breath and your gaze widens, taken aback by the overly eager jump in his velvety voice. Cocking to his head to the side, he flashes a tilted grin, “can I hold you to that promise?” 

“Yeah,” the words slip past your lips just as easily as your consciousness, “I would never break our promises. You know that. I’m not her.” 

“Really?” he speaks low but sure. 

Still yet sure, your gaze never dares to disconnect from that of his own dark yet shaky, for the fear of losing sight of your best friend, as if he would dissipate into sand and drift off into the winter wind and out of your life the second you turn your head, as if he had never existed in the first place, were enough to keep your every being teetering on the edge of a cliff. 

“I promise.” 

“Okay,” he smiles through his murmurs. The gentle grin that adorns his pressed lips were subtle, hidden from everyone but his world across the window panes of his bedroom, but you could tell this moment would be one etched into the memories he would relish perpetually for years to come. His eyes shift to the side and off into the distance, the way they do on the rare occasion Hoseok feigns composure in moments he could do anything but, but you swear you could catch him twinkling akin to the stars that soar above you both. 

You don’t realize how far you’ve ventured off into the blue side until the boy of your sights lies his head comfortably into his arms and flutters his eyes shut—and now you wonder: has he ever caught himself ravishing in the sights of the girl next door? 

“‘I think we should get to bed now,” you blurt to stop your thoughts in the midst of its tracks. “It’s getting late.” 

“Why not break a few rules here and there, Y/N?” Hoseok grins, keeping his eyes shut throughout his rest. “We’re on break. Is there really a curfew? Plus, we’ve talked much later than this before.” 

“Yeah, but I don’t know… what if we fall asleep and our parents caught us sitting here like this?” 

“Then let them,” he deadpans, peeping open an eye at you when baffled silence is all that he receives from you. “It’s our last time talking like this for a while, remember? C’mon, stay with me for just a while longer. Please?” 

Right—the thought dawns upon you like gray clouds looming over an otherwise starry night—you had made a deal with Hoseok for the sake of his relationship and yours. Giving in, you plop into your own arms on the window sill and make yourself comfortable for the inevitable hours that you knew were to come of moments like these. 

And you were right; because just a couple of minutes later, after a couple of times you were so sure Hoseok had drifted off into sleep and you tried to sneak off into your bedroom just to grab a snack or two only to hear him calling out for you with the utter of your name, you peep open your eyes to a sound asleep boy across from you, deep in slumber. The creases of his forehead, the knit between his brows, and the years of wear and tear and broken trust painted by the dark circles under his eyes are now merely scars of the past under your guise—but scars are scars, and you know the moment you were to look away and he was no longer under your watch, this ephemeral moment of tranquility would drift into the wind like the diel duration of daylight. 

But for now, you relish in the fact that you could resume vigilance over the boy next door. Smiling to yourself, utterly content in a moment you wish you could keep frozen in time, you watch him from afar. Heart swelling and strings tugging, you wonder to yourself aloud.

“Dumby,” you sigh with a smile on your face that mirrors those hinted by the slight upcurve of his lips, “why don’t you ever look this peaceful around her?”

-

Winter blues consume you for the following week, for the phantom of his presence are all that you’re made aware of. Because every morning, when the sun rises and its beams blind you, you’re reminded of his dazzling demeanor and that damn grin of his that has you seeing the light at the end of the darkest tunnels. Because every night, when the moon rises and a lavish sapphire hue shimmers across his skies that you couldn’t help but peak at, you can practically hear his honey-like voice rambling on about anything and everything and soothing you to a sleep that you were to awaken from with a nostalgic yearning that tugs at you for many days to come. 

For every hour, you would scan your surroundings, wondering whether your name had been called by Hoseok or Jin. 

For every minute, you would pause in the midst of your tracks, wondering if you should bring an additional one back home for Hoseok only to be snapped back into reality when Jin calls for your name. 

And for every second that you step foot into your bedroom, you would be haunted by that hauntingly beautiful night that still seems like an unattainable dream of last night, for the remnants of his greetings, grin, and wave from the comforts of his room whenever he spotted you returning home and the curtains that remained shut even when your alarm went off made you painfully aware of the gape in your heart. Snuggling in bed and gazing at the golden warmth that floods your room by those familial lights of his, you always find yourself staring off into the distance where your curtains and his dutifully shrouded the longing gaze that would have been exchanged between the two. Painfully aware of his late nights, you can’t help but wonder if he felt the same ghosts of your presence in his daily routine or if you were the only one holding onto a past he had outgrown. 

The guilt that plagues you the most, however, evidently remains in the cracks of your relationship with Jin. Every date brought you closer to the high school daydream, close enough to leave the both of you wanting more but far enough to become aware of the fork in the road. Although you can’t exactly put a finger on it, the both of you are shrewd enough to recognize the nagging feeling of an inevitable distance… it’s just that neither of you are willing to address it, particularly Jin.

But the two of you are getting along just fine—flirtatious texts, vivacious winks, and intimate moments of hand-holding and lip-locking—so how cruel would it be of you to yearn for the nights that were long gone? 

“Where do you want to go next, babe?” Jin squeezes your hand before pecking a quick kiss to your cheeks that adorns a wide grin. “Last Sunday we went to an arcade… yesterday we went to the theaters… how about hitting the rink today?”

“Ice skating?” your eyes widen at the thought, especially after experiencing flashbacks to the time you held onto the side for your dear life while watching Hoseok skating and laughing away as he had the time of his life with Jessica—and it’s almost as if the gnawing pain of your chest from that particular time transcends into present time. “I don’t know…”

“Why not? You don’t know how to skate? C’mon, I’ll teach you,” Jin chuckles at your reluctance, tugging at your hand and squeezing them firmly before a swift wink. “If you really want, I’ll even hold your hand the entire time.”

“Hey!” you gawk and slap his chest. “I just don’t have fond memories at that particular rink. It’s not like I’m trying to get you to hold my hand, you already hold them enough anyways because someone’s always so needy.”

Jin doubles over from laughing and you can’t help but follow along. He gently bumps his shoulder against yours only to close the remaining gap between the two of you and leans in to murmur, “but you know you love it.”

“...yeah,” you roll your eyes, despite the grin on your face, “whatever.” 

“So what do you say? Hm?” he nudges you persistently. “I promise I’ll replace whatever bad experience you had and make it your favorite date for as long as you can remember, okay?” 

You’ve been avoiding the skating rink for well over five years now ever since that time you had reluctantly agreed to third-wheeling with Hoseok and Jessica. It didn’t seem like such a bad idea when Hoseok had refused to leave you alone on Christmas and proceeded to paint an all-too perfect picture of his girlfriend at that time, before the two of you were aware of Jessica’s affairs, but the dirty glares she had shot you throughout the entirety of the night proved otherwise. 

Your eyes brighten at the sound of his promising proposal and you could tell Jin had recognized that from the way his eyes light up as well. Smiling to yourself, you nod and reciprocate the pinky Jin had lifted as a symbol of his promise, “I’ll hold you to that, Kim Seokjin.” 

“Leave it to me,” the boy grins and you swear the high-school-you would have swooned, “you can trust me.” 

...and to be fair, your trust is proven not to be misplaced, for the rest of the night is nearly, if not exceedingly, the ideal date you’ve always dreamt of having with the Seokjin of your grade. The euphoric flutters of your heart, the holiday spirits in the air, and his protective hands and charming half-giggle half-cackles are straight from your high school diary that was Hoseok and his lending ears. 

“What?!” you have to hush Jin when he nearly shrills. “You’ve liked me since high school and you’ve dreamed of going on this date for all these years?”

“Yeah,” you bashfully mutter under your breath, squeezing both his hands when you nearly fall backwards onto your bottom, “but scream it out any louder and I’m taking it all back.” 

“Damn,” he curses at himself, brows knitting deep in thought even as he skates backwards and guides you through the bustling crowd of couples with ease. “How did I not know? I would have asked you out if I knew—”

“—wait, you actually remembered me in high school?” your eyes widen and he lifts his gaze to meet yours with an arched brow. “And you liked me?” 

“Well,” Jin mumbles through barely parted lips, “why else would I keep your number all these years?”

“True… ah!” you yelp when you nearly slip but Jin holds firmly onto the sides of your arms. “So why did you text me after all these years?”

“I guess,” Jin’s gaze locks with yours, a surge of confidence glistening in those dark orbs of his, “I just didn’t want to wait forever until fate finally gives me an excuse to talk to you.” 

“Oh, well I’m glad you did,” you reciprocate Jin’s smile, glimpsing at the ground when something catches you off guard in the corner of your eyes, “wait, is that—”

“—what?” Jin turns around to follow your line of sight over his shoulders and at a particular girl across the rink. 

Those luscious brown locks you had once compared your own to, the small of her back where you had eyed Hoseok’s hands gliding over, and the curves of her hips where Hoseok had once drawn circles into with his thumb, you could recognize that back anywhere. The worst part of it all that has your heart sinking and your every being set ablaze: you could also recognize the street attire and broad stature of the boy next to her. 

“Is that Jessica and Joon?” you could barely maintain your composure as your strangled words escapes through gritted teeth, chest heaving uncontrollably, eyes burning and fiery, and hands curling into a fist with utter fury. Jin fruitlessly attempts to shake you awake, hands trying to catch yours once again after you had tossed his aside and began marching past him and toward the subject of your rage with all kinds of vicious thoughts in your mind. “I’m going to fucking kill you, Jessica!”

“Y/N! Y/N, what the hell are you doing?” Jin calls out to you but his voice rides the waves off somewhere in the distance, as if you were underwater; because all you can see ahead of you is a tunnel vision of her and her new love affair that happened to be another one of your worst enemies. Everything else, the curious eyes of the public and the whispers of their gossip, dissipate as you pass by them with your wrath being the sole fuel to your fire. 

The subject to your hollers whirls around with a whimsical smirk on her face and the boy beside her only furrows his brows at the sight of you. When you miraculously reach them across the rink, it takes everything in you not to land a punch square at her cocked jaw. Jessica feigns delight as she squeals, “well, if it isn't Y/N! I haven’t seen you in years!” 

“Cut your bullshit,” you deadpan, pointing a threatening finger at her and Namjoon, “Hoseok isn’t here so you can throw all the dirty glares you want, but don’t think for even a second I’ll let you get away with this.”

“With what?” she snickers, pretending to gasp when she catches you averting your darting eyes between her and Namjoon. “Oh—” she hooks her hand over Namjoon’s arm and rests her head on his shoulders “—you mean us? Didn’t Hoseok tell you? Or are you two not good ol’ best friends anymore?”

“So… you knew,” you could barely stutter from the outpouring rage that overwhelms you; because even as your nails dig into your whitening palms, teeth grit until your jaws shrill of pain from a sharp jolt, and lungs heave deep breaths in a vain attempt to slow the hammer of your chest, your heart aches from the thought of Hoseok. Your next words arrive slowly but every second of delay displays just a fraction of the indignation pent up inside you. “You knew Hoseok saw you with another guy the same night you stood him up and you never thought to even apologize to him? You’re not even… the slightest bit… sorry?”

“Sometimes better things come up and plans don’t always go through,” Jessica simply shrugs, gesturing to the boy beside her who doesn’t peep a single word. 

“Better things? You mean this guy over here?” you articulate, narrowing your eyes at his silence. “Namjoon? You know how much pain Hoseok went through because of him. You’re going to cheat on Hoseok for this guy, who blackmailed him to drop out of the dance team or else he would drop out the night before the showcase and run off and rat to you all about me and Hoseok, which he fucking did anyways? I know he told you. Hoseok told you everything and you’re taking advantage of it—”

“—why do you even care?” the boy finally intercepts and he doesn’t even budge when you shoot him a death glare. “You might be his best friend, but this isn’t really your business. Does he even listen to your advice?” 

“No, he doesn’t because he’s an idiot, but as his best friend, it’s my job to stick with him through it all,” you jab a finger at his chest, but his resistance and that unfazed look on his face only irks you further, “but you… you used to be one of his best friends too until you mishandled his trust for the sake of receiving credit for something you took little to no part in managing and adding one more fucking bulletpoint to your college resume? And now what? You’re trying to steal his girlfriend? When are you going to stop this stupid jealousy you have for Hoseok? Honestly? Fuck you, too!”

The apathetic demeanor of the boy’s finally cracks when he flinches at the reminder of his wrongdoings, but even that isn’t enough to quell the fury in you, for all you could tell yourself is that he deserves it. 

“Actually, Namjoon, baby, she has a point,” Jessica places a hand on his chest before he could speak. “You are his best friend and he’s made me obviously aware of that fact for a stupid number of times as well, so… doesn’t it beg the question: why aren’t you two together?” 

You snort exasperatedly, “what?” 

 “Think about it. Hoseok is my backup, my second option after Joon; and as you’ve said, Hoseok knows of that fact, and yet, he comes running after me every time—” she nudges an elbow into Namjoon’s side when he arches a brow at her suggestion before throwing you a smug smile having noticed the flinch in your eyes “—so why… doesn’t he just run to you? Are you not even worthy of being his second choice? And why oh why do you look so sad now after realizing the truth?”

She has a point. Why does Hoseok keep running back to her if he knew all along? Why is he willing enough to cry his heart out to you but never enough to lend his heart in the name of love? If he had done so just a year ago when you had officially given up on him, having witnessed his begrudgingly on-and-off relationship with Jessica, you would have accepted long ago—but you moved on. You’re with Jin now.

Yet why does it hurt you so to hear your deepest fears that had been buried in the back of your mind finally put into words? 

“She doesn’t look sad because she isn’t anyone’s second choice,” a familiar voice lures you back into reality but you can’t help but notice the unsettling drop in your stomach when you peer up to find Jin. “She’s my first choice and that’s all that matters, right, Y/N?”

“R-right,” your heart nearly stops when he peers down to catch your shifty eyes. 

Jin smiles smugly before returning a scowl at the opponent, “so shut the fuck up, Jessica.” 

“Ugh,” Jessica gags, rolling her eyes, “I have to say I’m surprised to see you with her, Seokjin.”

“Yeah? Does it sting to see your high school crush happily with your arch enemy?” Jin cocks his head while you and Namjoon exchange wide-eyed glances between the two of them and the exposed secret lies floating in the open air. 

“That’s so old, Seokjin. How long are you going to hold onto that? Whatever, let’s go, Joon,” Jessicia rolls her eyes, tapping on Namjoon’s arm and skating toward the rink’s exit on the side. Before you could finally let out your bated breath you had subconsciously held throughout the entire ordeal, Jessica whirls around to call out to you once more. “I was his first, Y/N. I loved him first and I was the first one he loved. Don’t forget that.” 

The rate of your heart can finally settle but it’s impossible to ignore its throbbing presence, for each of its pounds reverberate an unexplainable desperation like roots branching out from its origins and its pumps send further fury instigated by the acknowledgement of defeat across to your extremities. The last two people you ever wanted to see  both individually and together have now faded off into the distance, yet the harm they had inflicted on your state of mind remain like blood-stains on white cloth. Hands shaking uncontrollably and eyes staring intensely enough to bore a hole into the exit, you find yourself underwater once again until Jin finally grips both sides of your arms. 

“Y/N! Y/N! Y/N,” Jin repeatedly calls out to you, brows furrowing when you finally return his gaze, “are you okay? What the hell was that all about—”

“—she isn’t his first,” you mutter under your breath. 

“What?” Jin scoffs, eyes never budging from yours. “What do you mean?” 

“I just—” your voice hitches when you realize the words that had slipped from your lips “—I just hate how much control she has over him and I hate watching him just let her do it! She cheats on him all the time and he knows it, and… and—”

“—and how is any of that your fault?” Jin states sternly. “You’ve told him and whether or not he listens it out of your control. You’ve done your best, Y/N… so you need to stop thinking about him all the time or at least try not to around me.”

“I know—” you sniffle, hastily wiping the tears that just won’t seem to stop regardless of how damn hard you try, for the sake of him “—I know, I-I really do try not to, Jin. I was just mad when I saw her.” 

“You made a ruckus, Y/N. You lost your composure for him, and I know he’s your best friend and I’m trying to understand, but,” he hesitates when he pauses, watching the tears stain your cheeks, “but I can’t help but wonder if you would do that for me.”

“I would, Jin!” your head shoots up when you hear the disappointment in his voice and your desperation shows through the glimmer of tears in your eyes. Your voice wavers in the midst of a sob, “I promise I won’t lose control anymore. I won’t… I won’t think about him anymore. I promise I don’t like him.”

“You promise?” Jin lifts a finger to a teardrop on your cheeks, eyeing the droplet that transfers to his skin. When you nod, he frowns. “Then why are you crying over another guy?”

“I…” you desperately forage through your scrambled mind but fail to in the mess of a state you’re in. Uncomfortable, stiff silence ensues and your heart races in suspense, staring at the floor and anything but his intent gaze that watches your every move. How could you have been so stupid? How could you not realize how much you were hurting Jin? Finally, mustering the courage to break the silence, you stammer once again, “I promise he’s just my—”

“—kiss me.”

“...what?” 

“Kiss me, Y/N,” Jin demands and you can sense an equal level of desperation when your eyes meet his. “Kiss me so that I know you don’t like Hoseok—”

—his words are interrupted by your hands that cup each side of his cheeks firmly. You have to do this to gain his trust back, you try to convince yourself. Sure, it may your first kiss and you’ve always imagined it to be shared with Hoseok, but that dream lost steam when he came home only to relish in the fact that he had shared it with Jessica. Now, to fully give up and devote yourself to your current significant other, you just have to move on. Slowly with a quivering breath, you close the distance between the two of you, lips just inches away from his when, out of the blue, you stop. 

His name, his smile, his potential reaction—you just can’t stop thinking of him. 

“Jin, I’m sorry—” but your apology is cut short when Jin presses his lips firmly to yours. 

At first you’re taken aback, too frozen to move even as his hands move to rest on your waist; but as a split second passes, your mind begins to wander. Why aren’t you happy? Why doesn’t this send your heart fluttering and your mind screaming of joy? This has always been your dream: Jin’s plush lips grazing against yours with you in his embrace. So why does his actions have your chest twisted in some sort of contortion you never knew could be done before? Didn’t you promise Jin you loved him and him only? 

Closing your eyes, you wrap your arms over his neck and anticipate for more when Jin pulls back for a second only to be left hanging in silence. The boy clutches your wrists, gently albeit undeniably a tinge of frustration in his squeeze, and removes your hands off him. Eyes opening carefully, you find him staring at something on your face when you lift a finger to touch the drips of water flowing down your cheeks. 

Horror strikes down upon you. 

“I’m sorry, Jin, it’s not what you think—”

“—no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have forced myself on you,” he mutters, taking a step back and holding onto your hand to guide you toward the exit of the rink. 

“Jin…” you meekly call out to him while trying to stifle your sniffles. Your heart drops when he decides not to respond, even as he helps you untie your skates on the bench. “Jin, I promise I’ll figure everything out soon. I’m still angry over Jessica a-and—”

“—Y/N,” Jin utters lowly, head lowered to focus on your skates even as he speaks, “I think it’s best if we just leave it at that and head home for the night. I’ll walk you home.”

 “No,” his eyes peered up at you when you blurt, “I don’t think it would be right for me to let you do that after all I’ve done to you tonight. I can handle it on my own.” 

Or so you say; otherwise, why does your heart wrench at his lack of a rebuttal and the turning of his back as he walks off into the opposite direction when the time comes to your momentary and potentially perpetual farewell? Why does your mind linger on the sight of an empty sidewalk where he would once hold your hand on the way home, even as you’re standing before the door of your house? Why did what was supposed to be a perfect night leave you here, standing in the middle of the jet black night with winds howling and crickets chirping, feeling alone, abandoned, and forgotten? 

Hearing something shuffle from the other side of the door, you quickly hold your breath and release large, white puffs until your breathing became somewhat rhythmic to your regular composure. You then rub your cheeks of any remaining tears and fan some wind into your eyes in an attempt to soothe the probably bloodshot look of yours before opening the door and greeting the very person you were expecting to see yet so despairingly hoped otherwise.

“Wow, Y/N, you’re finally home? It’s already almost midnight,” your mother scolds, frowning at you as you remove your shoes at the front entrance. “So, who were you with?” 

Your silence evidently concerns your mother, for the crease between her brows deepens. It isn’t that you choose not to answer, it’s that you don’t think you could even say his name without bursting into a sobbing mess. 

Frowning, your mother sighs, “please don’t tell me you were with Hoseok.” 

“W-What,” you stammer before you could retract the blurted words, eyes darting to your mom, “why? What’s wrong with Hoseok?”

“That boy is a good boy, really, but…”

“But… what? You’ve always loved Hoseok.”

“Yes, and I still do,” she affirms while taking a large bite out of a cookie by the kitchen island. “I always liked him, ever since you two became close friends. Funnily, actually, his parents and I always wondered if you two had a thing for each other.”

You flinch at her confession, brows knitting, “but…?”

“But… when I heard about his on and off relationship with his ex? What was her name, Veronica? Yoona? It had something to do with an ‘a’ at the end…”

“Jessica.”

Her name still leaves a bad taste in your mouth. 

“Ah, yeah! Jessica!” she snaps her fingers. “I was surprised, somewhat disappointed, really, when I heard he started dating someone else. Truthfully, I would’ve approved if you were to tell me you two were dating, but when I heard about it and how the poor boy keeps forgiving her even after how she treated him… and I’m sorry but you won’t be happy to hear this…”

“What, mom?” 

“Well,” she pauses and shrugs, taking another bite out of her cookie, “I was glad you two weren’t dating. The boy is too gullible. Yes, he’s kind, polite, and oh is he handsome, but he’s weak.” 

“He’s—” you blurt, mouth agape and at a loss for words as a familiar flame of frustration builds within you “—he’s not weak, mom. He’s understanding and he’s forgiving. He knows how to make people feel better when they’re upset and he’s always willing to listen, even when he has nothing to gain and the person has wronged them before—”

“—so, gullible—”

“—no, gentle—”

“—so, delicate.”

You can’t believe the situation you’re in. Standing in the kitchen, you with one shoe on and another off and her with a half-chomped cookie in her mouth, you’re at a standstill with your mother, arguing over the quality of your best friend slash neighbor slash family friend right next door… but for some reason, even after you had promised Jin not to, something innate within you compels you to protect Hoseok at all costs. It’s not as if you could change your mother’s mind. She just wants the best for you and you understand that; but if you were to just walk away in silence, you adamantly knew that would be an injustice to all the times Hoseok must have defended you in times when Jessica or even his parents spoke ill of you. You know he would have. You just do. And that’s what you’ve always loved about him.

“Yeah, he’s delicate,” you finally utter, removing your remaining shoe and looking directly in your mother’s eye. Climbing up the stair one by one, you speak and your words flow with ease for the first time since you had last spoken that one hazy night, “he’s delicate, he’s gentle, he’s stupid, he’s gullible, he’s understanding, and he’s too forgiving, but those are the exact reasons why he’s my best friend.”

“Hm, fair enough,” you can tell your mother has given up when she simply hums in response. “So who were you with? Are you finally dating around? Is he anything like Hoseok?” 

“...I was with a friend… and no, he’s not anything like Hoseok,” you answer truthfully. 

“So he’s not soft… do you like him…?” she tries to tiptoe in her own roundabout, cunning ways and you can’t help but sigh in defeat. 

“No, he’s not soft,” you press a smile in an attempt to evade recalling anything from tonight’s incident along with the knot in your throat before bidding her goodnight and heading up to your room. 

No, Jin isn’t soft. You wouldn’t describe him as a softie in the least bit. Is that a bad thing? Not exactly, but you did know for sure, at the very least, being a softie isn’t a bad thing… which reminds you, you had left your mother’s last question unanswered. 

Still stubborn over her slight jabs at Hoseok and guilty over your evasion of questions, you hastily jog down the first step at the top of the staircase and call out, “I like his soft side, mom,” before running back into your bedroom and closing your door behind you. 

Finally, left alone in the comforts of your room, you heave out an unsteady sigh. The tremble in your breath makes it all too apparent to you of your emotional wellbeing. Clearly, the incidents of tonight has shaken you both mentally and physically. Were you wrong for approaching Jessica? Why was Namjoon still knowingly hurting Hoseok? The image of the two snuggled up against one another pales in comparison to an image where Hoseok stood in place of Namjoon as you took their photo, a time when you had so craved to be the one in Hoseok’s arms. Still, the reminder of Jessica’s betrayal has your hands clutching in a fist. 

Should you have allowed Jin to kiss you? Were you wrong for defending your best friend? Did you go overboard? Was he rightfully jealous? And how could you hurt Jin like this without even being aware of it? Worst of all… were you becoming another Jessica? 

You don’t realize how long you’ve been standing in the dark, enveloped by the midnight blue of the night sky and the reminiscent golden warmth from across that tint your room, until your eyes have fully adjusted to the absence of light. The mundane daily routine overtakes you as you absentmindedly shuffle your feet to the side of your bed and toss your purse to the side, except tonight, you don’t have enough energy to bring yourself to change into pjs; ultimately, that might have proven to be a bad decision, for when you plop into bed with a heavy huff of a sigh, both physically and mentally exhausted, your mind begins to wade into deep water. 

His golden light floods your room per usual tonight. It isn’t much of a surprise when your eyes wander to the sheer curtains that drape over your window. At first you tried your best to avoid any reminders of your best friend, for you truly desired to invest your all into a relationship with Jin; but even the simplest thing like his favorite snack at a candy store or a pair of sneakers that you knew he would have loved to add to his collection were enough to lure you back to that tranquil night where you could watch him drift to sleep underneath the bedazzled sky. Your heart tugs and your chest aches each and every time you’re reminded of what you used to have and what you could no longer have—and the warmth of his lights that completes the last jigsaw of home is the most haunting gape of them all. 

His lights stream through your curtains and just barely illuminate your mini-skirt and black tights. Your gaze alternates between the window and your outfit. Once, twice, then you’re caught in a tortuous cycle between the conundrum of wanting to sleep your burdens away and giving up because the flashbacks of tonight’s incident seems to play akin to a looped tape with no end. Slowly then anxiously, your breathing becomes uneven and the phantom of an earlier cold sweat dawns upon you as you’re faced with another daunting decision. 

Should you tell Hoseok about Jessica tonight? 

No, you probably shouldn’t. You two haven’t spoken in well over a week now, so it would have been odd to spring this on him, right? Well, he is your best friend and nothing should have changed in this short time span—at least you two promised nothing would change—so maybe it would be a breach of trust if you were to omit him from a critical piece regarding someone he loves… but would it really do him anything? From what you’ve seen in the past, his ex brought him nothing but pain. Maybe, just maybe, this time the right role for you is to shield him from the inevitable agony and champion ignorance in exchange for bliss. 

The remnants of your tears creep upon you as your sniffles steadily mark its return in your unsteady breaths. The bed creaks from under you as you force yourself onto your feet and toward your desk for some tissues—maybe that, too, was a bad decision, because as you’re busy blowing your nose and fruitlessly fixing your composure, something compels you to peer at the window. Even with the boundary of walls, curtains, and unspoken words between you and him, you can still envision everything just as they are. Him, in his olive green sweater that you wore oversized after he had so insisted you to borrow on a cold winter walk home from school, sitting by his mahogany desk and composing whatever beat he was onto tonight, sometimes even getting up to dance until his mother would yell at him to stop the ruckus—and perhaps, occasionally, you hope he would secretly peer up to gaze at your side with a longing smile, as well. 

Something about your best friend next door just draws you in. It’s always been like that since you first met him as a child. You were enraptured by his ravishing mien, too dazzling to look away, and it remains irrevocably so. That’s right. With the remnants of Jin’s touch on your lips and this nostalgic downcast of your chest, you’re taken back to a time when you had loved him so; because as you’re allured by his golden light, you’re reminded of the time when you once peered out the window and burned with jealousy and longing, wishing that if he had already shared his first love, his first kiss, with her, then at least you could share yours with him. 

But after tonight, those childhood dreams are officially a thing of the past… and you’re too numb to know how to feel—

—knock, knock. 

You yelp in the midst of a hitch in your sniffles when a series of knocks bumps against your window pane and you catch the sight of a broom’s handle outside. Eyes widening, your mind scrambles but your body remains frozen. That could only be one person and he isn’t exactly the person you’ve been expecting nor wanting to see at the moment. Caught in the moment, you hastily rub any signs of tonight from your cheeks and waft some air into your bloodshot eyes. 

One deep breath in, one deep breath out. 

Drawing open the curtains and opening your windows, you muster all the courage you can to feign a smile eager to greet her best friend. “I thought you said we should take a break, Hoseok. Did you miss me alr—” but your sentence falls short, for when your gaze lift to meet his, you can read nothing but concern and a hint of fleeting surprise intermixed with a firm confirmation of his suspicions. 

Eyes unwavering and affixed to the lock with yours, he murmurs, “what happened?” 

“I-I, what—” you stumble because how… just how did he know  “—what do you mean?”

Hoseok doesn’t speak because he doesn’t have to. Instead, he waits patiently. Eyes attentive and all-ears, his every being remains securely affixed to you. A chilly breeze brushes by, tousling his hair and brushing his bangs just slightly over his vision, as does yours, shrouding the invisible boundary between his side and yours, if only momentarily. He has a way with things, a way with you; because it’s almost as if the cap to your jar has just been eased open, just as the comfort of his presence, of him, always manages to do. 

That look of his tells you he wouldn’t want you to hide anything from him… and you know that, you just know.

“It’s… it’s not a big deal,” you mumble, pausing for a second as your eyes avert to the side and back at him again. “I saw Jessica today. With Joon.” You wait for a reaction, for an indication that it’s okay for you to continue, and you receive your answer in the lack of an expression. Blank and unfazed, Hoseok simply blinks, waiting for you continue to the important details as to why you were crying and not why he should be. So you continue, but not before a sigh, “I was mad. I was so infuriated with her and I hated her for hurting you, so I argued with her in front of Jin. Jin, he… he didn’t like it. I was so upset that I started crying before I even knew it, and he didn’t like it.”

“He didn’t like seeing you cry…?” Hoseok speaks low and slowly, a growing fury manifesting in the crease between his brows. 

The sight of his anger is all too mirroring of Jin’s. 

“He didn’t like seeing me cry over you,” you correct. “He… he wanted me to kiss him, to prove that I liked him and not you. So I did. Well, maybe he did.”

Hoseok’s eyes widen, knowing fully well how long you had waited and fantasized to him for the perfect moment for your first kiss, but you’re tired. You’ve replayed the moment enough times in your mind. You don’t really want to explain anymore. 

Hoseok’s jaw protrudes as he grits his teeth and he curls his hands into a fist until you could see the veins in his neck that branches out from underneath that green sweater of his. His mind must have been rummaging over a thousand ways to murder Jin at this moment. 

But you just want some comfort. 

“I don’t really blame him, though. It’s not entirely his fault. I’m not even sure why I cried. I guess I was really upset with Jess—” Hoseok’s phone rings and you clamp your mouth shut like you always have when his ex texted him “—it’s okay, you can answer them first.”

Glancing down at his phone, Hoseok seemingly stares at the screen. As hard as you tried, it’s impossible to read the expressions that flashes through his eyes in a split second. Finally, he punches a few buttons before tossing his phone to the side and looking up at you with conviction. 

“I’ll be right back, Y/N,” he utters firmly, getting up from his seat as your eyes follow him every inch. “Wait for me.” 

“Sure,” you don’t even get to say to him, for he was up and gone in the blink of an eye. 

There he goes, running back to her as he always does, except this time it hurt you more than ever before. He had never interrupted you in the midst of a conversation. You’ve always wondered who he would have prioritized first between you and Jessica, and while you always knew it would be his girlfriend over his best friend, a part of you helplessly held onto the hope that maybe the many years of friendship meant more than a relationship founded upon crumbling loyalty. 

Maybe this would be the last straw. Maybe your mother was right. Something tells you that if he weren’t to return within the next minute, you could no longer forgive him for putting you and him through all this pain that he just never seems to learn from. 

You just want a hug. 

“Hoseok?” you hear your mother gasp from the kitchen downstairs. Whirling around, you stare at your door with a confused frown on your face. “What’re you doing here so late, boy?” 

“Sorry, Ms. Y/L/N, I’ll be leaving really soon,” he says firmly, his footsteps creaking up on the staircase. “I have something important to do.” 

You can’t believe what’s happening. Is this all a dream? Are you hallucinating? Are you really that desperate to have him by your side? 

What does that say about how you truly felt for Hoseok?

“Y/N?” Hoseok knocks gently on your door. “I’m coming in, okay?” 

You don’t even get to answer nor move, as if you could, before the boy opens the door and shuts it behind him, enclosing the two of you in the same room for the first time in over half a year. Silence surrounds the air for a long minute and you still can’t surmise the physical, tangible presence of him standing here before you in your room. Perhaps he felt the same as well, for he finally found an excuse to meet the girl next door but the midnight rendezvous was all too surreal for him to believe. 

Finally, he shifts. 

Step by step, each seemingly slower and its distance from your affixed spot seemingly prolonged by the second, he approaches you; but when he finally stands within an arm’s length from you, his eyes never budging from yours, his arms reaches for you to pull you securely into his embrace. 

The side of your head thumps against his chest and your chest and hands fall perfectly against his abdomen. You don’t realize your position until your eyes widen by an enveloped scent of him, one nostalgic enough for you reminisce over the nights you had spent in his clean laundry scented room mixed with a tint of him. Here you are, standing in your room with his arms wrapped over you protectively and a hand placed over the back of your head to keep you within his vicinity where he is sure to keep you safe and away from the world’s greatest danger; and when your hands hesitantly part, wrapping around his waist and meeting once again behind his back, you accept his offer. 

At long last, comfort belonged in the arms of Jung Hoseok—and if you could, and as selfish as it would be, you wouldn’t be disinclined to stay like this in perpetuity. 

“See?” Hoseok murmurs before he pulls away to tuck a lock of your hair behind an ear. “Didn’t I tell you only I could handle a crybaby like you? Silly girl.”

“Don’t you have something important to attend to?” you frown, even as he cups your cheeks in his hands and swipes a thumb under your eyes where the ghosts of your tears stain your skin. 

“What’s more important than my crying best friend?” he chuckles, peering down at you and your helpless state. 

This is how you envisioned it to be. Your first kiss. In your bedroom. With your first love. This is how your first kiss should’ve been—sparks flying, blood electrified, and heart jolting. Seconds, perhaps even minutes, pass by as the two of you watch the other through the windows to your soul, drowning in the depths of each other’s oceans and so desperately trying to retain the distance between you two over the fear of the unknown and a commitment that tethered the both of your hearts to others; but as you hold his lower half tightly to yours and as he cups your cheeks in his hold, leaning in ever so slightly, the two pairs of lips that seemed destined to touch could never come to be. 

You made a promise to Jin. 

Your lips touched Jins just hours before. 

Flinching from the thoughts that flash through your mind, you break apart from the hold but never failing to notice the sudden switch in his eyes right before you had come to your senses. Maybe he, too, realized the gravity of the atmosphere. Maybe he no longer finds you worthwhile, knowing your lips had touched others on the same night of this rendezvous. Maybe he, too, remains tethered by the chains leading to his own first love. 

It would have made perfect sense, really, but it still pains you so. 

“You should go,” your voice cracks as you turn your back on him and gesture toward the door. “I don’t think my mom likes having you here in my room.”

“Why not?” you hear Hoseok utter, watching his unmoving moonlit shadow on your floor. 

“Because…” your mind scrambles to find another reason that would hurt him less yet justified enough to convince him to leave, but alas, you find none. “Because she knows about you and Jessica. She thinks you wouldn’t be a good fit for me… not that it really matters... she doesn’t understand that we’re just friends—”

—a soft gasp of air leaves your lips when you feel his chest pressed against your back and he brings you in even closer with the wrap of his arm over your chest, just seconds before you caught wind of his two, wide confident strides from behind. 

“Can’t we just stay like this? For a little while longer,” he asks, his lips and velvety voice just barely grazing over your right ear, “even if just as friends.”

Just as friends. The words echo in your mind just as Jessica’s last remarks had. Were you really okay with being his second resort? Hesitantly, you nod. At some point in time, you find yourself whirled around to rest in his arms face-to-face and place your ear comfortably against his chest where you could hear his heart beating in syncopation to yours. 

“I’m sorry, Hoseok,” your voice is muffled by his sweater, “I tried to convince her that she just didn’t understand you. I tried to defend you.” 

“No, no,” he shakes his head before resting it on top of yours once again. “She’s right. I need to do better.” 

Slow, calm, serene—akin to a meandering river settling into stillness, its riffles steadying and its ripples settling, the withdrawing distortion of the moon’s reflection and the clearing of the hazy, gray clouds looming above the night sky draw the curtains open to reveal the dazzling radiance of a full moon…

“I promise I’ll do better.”

...and your heart reaches an epiphany, for it now knows exactly who to call home.

-

Alas, Christmas has finally arrived on one of the coldest evenings of the month. Standing in front of your mirror, you glance over your outfit just one last time. Something about dressing well for Jin tonight leaves a bittersweet taste in your mouth. Jin had apologized to you both through text and in person, seeking you out from home and even managing to convince your mother of his worthiness, and the two of you reconciled in the past week, despite your intentions for tonight; because even if you and Hoseok had not spoken at all since last week and your heart aches at the thought of what you were to do tonight, your resolution remains firm.

“Hey, Y/N, catch this.” 

You gaze darts to the window and you frown in utmost concern over your mental state, having just hallucinated Hoseok’s voice. 

“3…”

“2…”

“1…”

Maybe your physical state needs to be checked up on, too, because your body follows along to your mind’s hallucinations and makes a leap for the window as the countdown approaches its end. Just as you spring open the windows only to meet a closed window and drawn curtains from across, you hear something scratch against your window and feel its bump against the pane before disappearing into the distance somewhere far below. 

Something really has been messing with you this break, you let out a distressed sigh, maybe this truly is for the better. 

The rest of the night goes by just as you had planned—perfectly. Jin laughs the night away and you do, too, because if it weren’t for what you were about to do, the date truly would have been perfect. You two had your differences, but he’s evidently willing enough to persevere and you would have been, too… if everything had fallen in line a year earlier when you could have really given him your all. 

Peering up, Jin catches your stare and flashes the widest grin he has in a long while. It hurt you to know you would soon be the cause of its demise, but  if tonight has given him a smile this radiant, then you know it would be the best for him in the long run—maybe not for you, but for him. 

“Hey, you cold?” 

“No, no, I’m fine, it’s okay!” you blurt a series of no’s before reluctantly letting him drape his black leather jacket over your shoulders and failing to stifle the sigh that escapes your lips from the newfound warmth. 

Jin muses, “see, you’re secretly glad I gave you my jacket, huh?”

“...yeah,” you meekly answer, the guilt plaguing your mind, “I’ll hand it back to you at the end of the night.”

“No, you can keep it,” he eagerly insists, the smile of his aching your heart all the more. “It’ll give me another excuse to see you next time.”

He doesn’t know it now, but would there even be a next time?

Buzz. 

“Are you gonna check your phone or are you gonna keep staring?” Jin cackles at the way you literally jump back into reality. 

“Oh, that’s my phone?” you mumble to yourself as you grab your phone out from your back pocket. “I don’t know who would be texting me—”

cheating hoe [10:33 P.M.] Y/N what the fuck did you say to hobi? he isn’t answering any of my texts or calls and he never does that.

“—ugh.��

“Who is it?” Jin quirks a quizzical brow. 

“Some rat,” you spit as you angrily text away, but something in you finds the news unsettling. Did Hoseok really finally cut her off? 

 You [10:34 P.M.] serves you right 

“Oh,” Jin frowns, “why is Jessica texting you?” 

You would have answered if it weren’t for the following text glaring from your blinding phone screen, wiping the smug grin of yours off your face. 

cheating hoe [10:35 P.M.] i’m asking because he invited me over to his house tonight, btw. 

“God, she really knows how to get on my nerves,” you hiss under your breath, but the worry plastered across your face is evident enough for Jin to frown in concern. Did Hoseok really invite her over? After what happened that night between you and him? Did it mean anything to him or are you truly the only one looking into something that doesn’t exist? The most pressing worry for you, however, is the thought of Hoseok setting out to get his heart broken again. 

Jin trudges forward, “what is it, Y/N?” 

“Jessica,” you cross your arms with a puff of white leaving your lips, “she said Hoseok invited her over to his house but hasn’t been answering her texts lately.” 

“How does that make any sense…?” Jin furrows his brows just as you do. “Are you sure Jessica isn’t just trying to piss you off? Maybe Hoseok has been texting her but she just needs something to start a fight over.”

“Or maybe,” you frown at Jin, “Hoseok didn’t invite her to his house?”

“It’s more likely to be the former. Didn’t you say Hoseok has an on-and-off relationship with her?” Jin retorts defensively. The flicker of hurt and betrayal that flashes through his eyes tug at your strings, even as he knowingly pursues to push your buttons right where it hurt the most. “It’s been weeks, Y/N! I thought you said you would figure yourself out. Why do I feel like all we do is argue over Hoseok?”

“I don’t know,” you grumble, looking off to the side. “Maybe you’re just insecure.” 

That was too far and even you know it. 

“What?” Jin nearly growls.

“I’m sorry,” you quickly mumble before peering up to meet the burning fury in his gaze. “I’m sorry, Jin. I didn’t mean to say that.” 

Nonetheless, he persists, “no, let’s play with that thought. If I’m insecure, then what the hell is Hoseok? At least I have enough respect for myself. At least I don’t go running  like a dog after a woman who sleeps around with other guys just to fuck with my heart—”

“—don’t fucking compare Hoseok to a dog,” you snap, raising a threatening finger at Jin to silence him. “And don’t you dare utter another word about Hoseok again.”

“Or what?” Jin scoffs. 

“...or I don’t think we can work,” you hesitate to say as a knot ties in your throat, especially when you notice the softening of his eyes and the crestfallen transition between rage into a broken heart. “Actually, maybe it’s best if… if we just end this here.”

“W-what?” you hear him stammer for the first time. He steps forward, contemplating whether to take your hand in his. He does not. “Is it because of what I just said about Hoseok? I’m sorry, Y/N. I was just mad. You have to understand where I’m coming from, though.”

“I know, Jin,” you can’t stand looking at those begging eyes of his. “I shouldn’t have called you out like that, either. It doesn’t matter if I was right or wrong.”

“Then can’t we just apologize and move on Like we did before?”

“No, Jin. You deserve better. You’re right, I haven’t given you my all and I don’t think I can at this point—”

“—I’ll wait for you,” he pleas. 

“Jin, stop, please,” you beg, finally lifting your gaze only to wince at the defeated look he’s giving you. “I don’t want to do this either.”

A momentary silence follows, the tension has you both on the edge of your seats. 

“Can I at least walk you home…?”

That would only hurt even more—so you shake your head. 

“...okay,” Jin finally says, hands clutching into a fist. “Fine.”

And that’s all you can recall from your last conversation with your boyfriend, or rather your ex, as you take the long way back home. Sighing to yourself, you cross your arms over your chest and tilt your head back to stare longingly at the blue sky bejeweled by countless balls of sparkling fire. It seems like not even the skies pity you. Your heavy breaths paint the air in clouds of white, your whispers counting each step you take forward. 

One hundred sixty six... 

You’ve been dreaming of this relationship with Jin for so long, so how foolish is it of you to give it up so easily? Over a dumb childhood crush who obviously sees you as nothing more?  

One hundred sixty seven... one hundred sixty eight…

Not to mention, if Jessica really was telling the truth, then maybe you really are nothing more than a second choice, a last resort. The near kiss that one night must have been driven by his primitive instincts. Maybe Hoseok was right when he warned you, for he, too, must have been controlled by lust. 

Drowned in your thoughts, you finally arrive at the spot where you and Jin had once stood. The paper in your pocket remains folded, nearly crumpled by the subconscious fiddling you subjected it to on the way home. Taking a deep breath and swallowing all the possible magical stardust you could muster, you stride towards the front door and knock with your last bit of courage. 

It’s about time for you to wake from this dreadfully long interlude between a daydream and a nightmare. 

“Y/N?” Hoseok’s father answers the door, surprised. “What’re you doing here?” 

“Hi, Mr. Jung,” you do your best to smile. “Is Hoseok home?” 

“He just left a minute ago,” he replies, blinking blankly in confusion. “He should be back in five minutes or so. Did you need him for something? Why don’t you come in and wait—”

“—oh, no!” you blurt a little louder than expected. Clutching the paper in your pocket, you continue, “um, I actually just wanted to return something he lent me. I need to get going right after that.” 

“Oh,” he nods, probably still grasping absolutely nothing from the conversation even as he welcomes you into his house, “okay, feel free to drop by his room.” 

It’s a bit cruel how our eyes play tricks on us; because even as you step foot into his room, expecting a complete shift in the world of your eyes in the territory of a world you always yearned to be a part of, you’re simply invited to a mirror of your own. Right across his windows, you could see a fragment of your room. Funny, he left his curtains drawn open tonight, as did you. The absent glow of his room accentuates the blue hues that flood his room through the windows tonight. Piled boxes clutters one side of his room next to his closet and you foolishly worry if he’s packing to move or if he has finally decided to organize his room a bit. It’s almost as if you’re in your own room, with the exception that you’re enveloped by the comforting scent of him. 

Reaching into your pockets where the paper airplane lies patiently, you place your heart onto his desk, where a beam of moonlight strikes perfectly onto his desk and illuminates the three bashful words you had written and had you beet red. Quickly turning around before you could take it all back, you wander farther into his room, clearly allured by his scent which leads you to his bedside. 

Oh, there’s your favorite olive green sweater of his from that one night. 

You don’t realize it until you’re reaching for the sweater and a leather sleeve drapes over your hand that you notice Jin had left his jacket with you, just as he had left an imprint on you. Smiling fondly to the jacket, you remove it from over your shoulders and carefully fold it onto the bed before exchanging it for the sweater. 

How would the sweater fit on you now, you wonder. 

Normally, your sane mind would have convinced you to shake your head and drop the sweater right then and there; but tonight, having prepared your heart and secrets out on the floor for him to see, you figure this would be your last chance to feel his embrace again. You can barely see your reflection in his mirror,  but the barely moonlit silhouette is enough for you to see the beaming smile that adorns your lips as you twirl around in his sweater that you wear oversized. His scent, his embrace, it all brings you in the comforts of home—when, out of the blue, you hear from downstairs creak open. 

“Hoseok, baby,” you’re struck frozen at the shrills of her voice, “you haven’t invited me over in so long.” 

So Hoseok really did invite her over, after all. 

The horrified thought dawns upon you and you can see the pure look of terror in your eyes through the mirror. Here you are, prancing around in a sweater of a boy whose heart remains tied to another girl other than you. Foolish, ashamed, dejected—they all crash into one as you curse yourself for being so dumb. 

How embarrassing could you be? 

The gnawing of your chest remains equally prevalent even as panic settles over the thought of the two catching you red handed. Hastily, you discard yourself of the sweater, toss it over his bed, and scan the room for an escape. Closet? No, knowing Jessica, she would look through all his belongings. Hide in the boxes? No, they’re too full and there’s no way you could fit in them. Under his desk? Well, that’s just plain dumb. Window…? It really is your only option. 

Opening his window as quietly as you could, you peak through to barely catch sight of Hoseok standing by his door and Jessica crossing her arms as the two conversed. You can’t exactly hear their conversation through the hammering sounds of your heart against your chest that’s just about ready to burst. Setting your sights straight, you sigh in relief at the window you had conveniently left open earlier tonight. 

The distance between his window and yours has never been that far—perhaps two arms length apart at most. The two of you had always pondered the possibility of sneaking over to the other side when you were children, but neither of you were brave enough to really solidify the theory. Now, several feet taller and many years dumber, you shut your eyes and brace yourself for what could very well be the end of you. It’s either you die by sheer embarrassment or by the endless hours of lecture your parents would put you under at the hospital… you choose the latter. 

Shutting your eyes, you take a deep breath in and out. The crisp, fresh night air freezes your filled lungs. Your head snaps back when you hear some footsteps approaching the stairs and your heart pumps fear intermixed with adrenaline into your bloodstream. You pace back and forth on the balls of your feet, eyeing your window sill that seems to grow in distance with each passing second. 

It’s now or never. 

Taking a literal leap of faith, you launch yourself into the air as your body free-falls for a split second before your hands collapse onto a cold, hard cement—and you hold on, damn it, you hold on for dear life. Miraculously, you discover you’ve survived the jump when you glimpse around your surroundings to find you half-suspended in the air. You have to hurry, you repeat to yourself throughout your heavy pants for air. Your feet quickly get to work, pedaling against the walls to finally propel you into the opening of your windows and collapsing face-first into your room. 

Your body aches and every inch of you throbs in a screaming pain, but you’ve also never felt so alive. Scrambling to your chair and patting down any dirt on your clothes and disheveled hair, you feign a composure akin to any other night where he would possibly find you seated by your desk and scrolling through the interwebs. The several attempts to stifle your panting and slow your heart rate only proves to be in vain, for your eyes continue to peek over your window as they observe Hoseok carrying the brown boxes in and out of his room. Luckily for you, he must have been too preoccupied by whatever he’s doing to his dwindling number of boxes to notice your peering gaze. 

Finally, the number of boxes reach a grand total of zero and you find yourself seated by your desk and window across the boy who also sits affixed to his desk right next door. His lights are on, as are yours, and you can feel the warmth that radiates in the winter night. He’s humming away and you’re scrolling away, albeit stealing a few glances here and there. 

It’s almost as if time has rewound to the start of break and absolutely nothing has changed between the two of you… almost.

“Oh? I don’t remember leaving my window open,” your heart freezes when you hear Hoseok shuffling to his windowside and announcing loudly into the night. He catches your fleeting glimpse and smiles widely with a slight cock of his head, “oh? Yours is too?”

“Whaaat…?” you drawl, faking a nervous laugh as you swivel your chair to the window. Standing to your feet, you reach for your windows, “I don’t remember leaving them open, hahah. I must be getting old, y’know.” 

“I must be best friends with a granny, then,” Hoseok chuckles and you freeze further in place when he beckons for you to keep your windows open. “So, how was your first Christmas date with Jin, Grandma Y/N? If your memory still serves you, that is.” 

“Hey, if I’m granny,” you retort, “then you’re a grandpa, because there’s no way in hell I’m not dragging you along with me.”

“Hey,” Hoseok raises his hands, “that’s been the plan all along.” 

“...you’re weird as hell,” you finally grumble after a brief second of being at a loss for words. Sighing, you lean into your hands with an elbow propped against the sill. “It was fine, I guess.” 

“You guess?” 

A stagnant silence follows just as an ephemeral breeze passes by. 

“Well… we broke up. And before you go storming off on a hunt, I was the one who broke it off. ” 

“Oh,” he utters, blinking blankly before brows creasing, “wait, what? Why? You’ve been gushing over him for all these years—”

“—yes, but,” you contemplate whether to go for it now, “it… just didn’t work out. We weren’t a great match.”

“Oh... sorry to hear that,” he prims and you just shrug. Now, it’s his turn to sigh as he leans his head against the side of his window. “Welp, I guess that makes the two of us.” 

“Huh?” 

“Yep,” he nods his head, intently watching your eyes pop at the news. “I called her over tonight and handed her everything she left in my room.”

Oh, so that’s what the boxes were for. Technically, Jessica wasn’t lying. She was just omitting a part of the truth. 

“You know she texted me.”

“What?” he narrows his eyes at you. “Why? And I thought you would have blocked her number by now?”

“No,” you purse your lips. “I wanted to keep a record of all her blackmailing in case it ever came in handy. Guess I don’t have to anymore.”

“That’s…” he laughs to himself, “that’s definitely something you would do.”

You shrug, “she told me you called her over but ignored all of her other texts.” 

“Tsk, if I knew she was bothering you, I would have scolded her one last time,” he frowns, but the downturn of his lips is overridden by the grin incited by that of your own. How could you not smile at the sound of that? “It’s been long overdue that I finally took your advice and respected myself a bit more. I guess I didn’t want to give her the time of day and wanted to get this all over with. Not gonna lie, it was pretty damn hard for me to finally let go, but when I considered how much I had to lose, it really wasn’t all that hard.”

“What do you mean ‘nothing to lose?’” you snort. “You literally had nothing to lose, Hoseok. She was shit to you.” 

“No, I meant I had someone else to lose,” his cackles are like melodies to your ears. 

“Someone…? Like who?”

“Mm,” he hums, gaze averting to the sky before returning to you, “just some silly friend.”

So you’re not even his second choice. You’re his third. Maybe even last.

“Wow,” you gawk, “I thought we had no secrets between us.”

“Hey, I gave you a chance today but you decided to go out on your little date with the Kim Seokjin,” Hoseok shrugs, chortling at the scowl on your face. 

“Well,” you don’t manage to conceal your smile any longer, “at least you look happier than you’ve ever been in a long time. I’m sorry that you lost her, actually I’m just sorry you wasted so much time on her, but honestly, I know you’ll be a lot better from here on out.” 

“Yeah? You think so?” he quirks a brow and strokes his chin, eyes blank and staring off elsewhere. As much as it pains you to admit, you know those years must have meant something to Hoseok. Jin had left his own marks on you, both bad and good, but when you really think about it, sometimes the good overshadows the bad. In Hoseok’s case, his several years long relationship must hold monumentally more weight than your brief time with Jin. “Thanks, Y/N.”

“Hm?” you have to shake your head back into reality. “Thanks for what? For dissing your ex?”

“Thanks for always being there for me,” he presses a lopsided grin, “for keeping your promise.” 

Did your heart just flutter? It must have—and dangerously so. He must not have read your paper plane yet. He must not know of his impact on you. His every smile, his every word, and his every movement, you drink it all up like the helpless child you’ve always been. 

“Yeah, sure,”  you mutter under your breath, avoiding his watchful gaze. He smiles at you endearingly, even as your shifty eyes bashfully flicker between the stars of the galaxy and the crescent-shaped eyes of your own star. A brief, comfortable silence blows with the wind and a surge in your confidence departs just as quickly as it arrives. “About that kiss, Hoseok…”

The boy raises his brows, eyes widening at the reference—it’s the most fazed reaction you’ve ever witnessed from him. With fluttered blinks and a gaping mouth, he stiffens, “I-I actually have a—” cough “—cold. I probably shouldn’t talk much.” Cough. 

“O-Oh,” the tone of your voice reflects the sudden downcast of your mood. You really are too insensitive. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and now you’re reminding him of that time he almost cheated on her for you? At this point, you’re ruining any chances you ever had with him, if it even existed. “I’m sorry. Yeah... you should rest. Talk to you later.” 

Nodding, the boy quickly dips his head before disappearing behind the wall by the window sill. Well, as if the night could not get any worse, now there really is no way for him not to notice the paper plane on his desk. How is he going to respond to your message? Especially after that insensitive comment from you? 

Hours seem to drag by. The silence nearly deafens you, for all you could hear is the sound of his keyboard and the crickets chirping outside along with an annoying ring in your ear. The two of you sit, walls apart but side by side, resuming your daily routines together but not exactly. Did he read your message yet? Even worse, is he choosing not to for the sake of preserving your already shattered state of mind? It isn’t until you take notice of the ticks of your manual clock that you’re reminded of the daily alarm you set up on your digital one. 

11:59 P.M.

Oh, shit. 

12:00 A.M.

Ring—your hand slams the clock much harder than necessary, possibly even smashing it to the point of no return. You had managed to stop it just a split second after it had rung, Hoseok couldn’t have possibly caught on with those headphones of his, could he? Hands covering your ducking head, you shut your eyes as you wait for your impending doom—possibly one of the worst decisions you’ve made, for every bit of your attention now shifts to every sound coming from across his room. 

A series of paper crinkling. 

A soft chuckle. 

A nervous breath in and out. 

A pen scribbling onto a piece of paper. 

More crinkling, somewhat like paper folding. 

Ouch—something sharp jabs the side of your head. 

Lifting your head, you stare at the familiar paper plane that should have been lying on his desk. Your heart races, each and every one of its pump thumping against your chest, and you can’t bring yourself to move. 

and what exactly is that? 

Slowly, inch by inch, you unfold the rest of the paper plane under his familiar handwriting. Sheer embarrassment overtakes you when your eyes skim over your own handwriting. 

you deserve me. 

What reads under your words, however, has your eyes turning to meet the gaze belonging to the boy next door. 

i’ve missed you

Another plane comes flying into your room. 

i want to hold you

...and another

i want to hug you

...and another

i could do better than jin anyone

Biting your bottom lip, you try to suppress the incoming wave of… relief? Resolution? Euphoria? It doesn’t really matter because the second you lift your gaze to meet his, you find yourself struggling to decipher the less readable expression of his. 

Sincere, soft, delicate, as if holding the whole world in his eyes, he murmurs, “is that okay?” 

“Psh,” you let out a breath of disbelief, because are you sure you’re not dreaming? “I won’t believe it until you say it to my face.” 

Hoseok gapes at your reply, a crooked grin spreading across his lips as he quirks a challenging brow, “oh, don’t make me come over there.” 

“And how exactly are you going to do that—” your words are cut short and you gasp when you see him replicating the exact reckless antics you had pulled off just moments before “—wait, wait, Hoseok, careful—”

“—catch me if you can!” Hoseok exclaims before climbing to your window sill and jumping down into your bedroom and into your open arms. A loud thump reverberates across the bedroom, the floor vibrating underneath your feet and his. His momentum has you pacing several steps back but his arms wrapped securely around your waist just in time to whirl you around and have his back face the soft impact against the wall beside your bedroom door instead. “There,” he huffs, “just like how you did it.” 

Panting and heaving for air, you breathing in him and him breathing in you, you two exchange bewildered glances all the while burning more alive than ever. A high of thrill runs through your veins as does his own that protrudes from his neck and runs along his arms from under his yellow tee. You feel yourself practically melt in his hold and intent gaze. His utter attention devoted to his girl and your every ounce of love exuding from your own eyes. Smiles stretch from ear to ear and the two of you share a fit of muffled giggles; and when he leans down in pursuit for your lips—you put a finger between his lips and yours.

“I thought you said you were sick,” you quip. 

Scoffing at your remark, he retorts smugly, “I lied,” before squeezing your hips and pulling you in closer to finally latch his lips to yours. 

It all perfectly makes sense. Like the last jigsaw to your puzzle, his lips fit you like a lock and a key designed and fated for one another. You pull away and he leans in, he pulls away and you lean in. He kisses you gently, softly, but with enough want and eagerness for exploration that you know he wants this—that he wants you. Maybe this isn’t the perfect first kiss that you had imagined, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t perfect because it’s undeniably perfect. 

And when the two of you finally pull away from your latch onto each other, his chest heaving for air as does yours, he hastily picks you up and sets you onto your drawer with utmost ease, almost as if he’s done it a thousand times. You giggle at his hurry, as if he had no time in the world and all the time to lose, aiding him in removing the remaining articles between you and him. Raising your arms over your head, he slips his hands under your shirt and pulls it off, the grazing tips of his fingers sending tingles from both sides of your hips up to the wires of your bra. 

Wrapping your legs around his hips and pulling him in closer until his crotch hit yours, you laugh along with Hoseok’s chuckles. Your hands slip under his shirt, palms against his rock-hard abdomen and sliding up to his chest and around over his neck as he discards his shirt. To your surprise, you nearly yelp when he tosses his shirt at your face and you catch a whiff of his scent. 

“What’re you doing?” 

“You can have this shirt if you want,” he smirks at the way your cheeks burn red, “just don’t ever wear another guy’s jacket again and don’t ever leave it in my room.”

Rolling your eyes and placing a hand on his shoulder while hooking another around his neck, you roughly pull him back into you for another kiss and he groans in approval. 

“Y/N!” 

The both of you freeze, eyes shooting open in panic when your mother’s calls echoes from afar. 

“Are you okay?” 

Her footsteps shuffle across the hallway and you slap Hoseok’s chest, beckoning for him to figure something out. He chuckles at your panic—and you slap him again—before lifting you off the drawer and making his way toward your bed. 

“What’re you doing?” you hiss when he plops you onto the bed and he climbs over you on all four. In a desperate attempt to stop your mom’s approach, you call out, “yeah, I’m fine!”  

“You wanted me to figure something out, right?” he chortles in the midst of panting. Without warning, he latches his lips to your throat and you have to cover your mouth to stifle the lewd mewl that escapes you. Hoseok then lifts his lips to your left ear, muttering, voice raspy and dripping of desire, “I’ve been waiting for this all week. I’m not letting your parents ruin it.”

“Hoseok!” you gasp, laughing in disbelief at the crooked grin of his. “I can’t believe you right now!”

“Really?” she stops, probably right before her bedroom across the hall. “Are you sure?” 

“As much as I respect her, she’s your mom,” he chortles, leaning in to finish the painting on your neck. “Figure something out.” 

“Yeah, mom!” you attempt to lift yourself up to call out to her only to be pushed back down into your bed by Hoseok, inciting an amused laugh from him. Cupping his cheeks in one hand until his lips pursed and he had no choice but to pause, you give one last bidding, all while staring him down. “Don’t worry, I just slipped in the shower! Go back to sleep!” 

The two of you remain utterly still—although Hoseok not really so, for you have to squeeze his cheeks several times to stop him from diving right back in—until your mother finally closes her bedroom door. You let out a breath of relief, scowling at Hoseok as he only chuckles at you; but the scowl is only temporary, because as you lie on your bed, held in between his arms and peering up at the devilish grin of his, you can’t help but relish in the surrealism of it all. Even as your hand lifts to brush a strand of his chestnut locks out from the view between his eyes and yours, you can’t believe he’s really here.

Sapphire blue shines through your windows to illuminate the left hand you had cupped over his cheeks. This smile, eager as a child and golden like your beloved best friend, it belongs to you and you only. It’s absurd, really, because you can’t help but titter at him as he drapes a blanket over his back, essentially shrouding the universe from the love he’s about to make to his girl and conceal you from the blue side, selfishly hoarding you to him. 

Because tonight, this moment and this feeling, belongs to your eyes only. 

-

The magical afterglow of having known you’ve made the right choice prospers throughout the entirety of the following year. No one really knew for sure you two were dating, not Jin nor your parents, but it isn’t much of a surprise when you finally give into Hoseok’s persistent urges for you to announce to the rest of the world of your newfound relationship. 

“I was waiting for you to return my jacket,” Jin laughs from across the table.

“I was surprised you didn’t just ask me to,” you muse, “considering you were never one to leave things to fate.”

“Yeah,” he shrugs. “But something in me knew you would figure things out with Hoseok. Didn’t want to intrude, y’know?”

“Ah,” you smile, watching him fold his jacket in his lap. “Thanks, Jin.” 

Neither of you find the right words to follow through until, finally, he speaks, “what does he have that I don’t?”

“Huh?” you raise a brow at the sudden question. “It’s… it’s not really what you’re missing per se. It’s more like what Hoseok has. I just… I love his smile, I love how considerate he is, I love how attentive he is—” you pause to stop yourself from smiling as Jin merely nods “—it really isn’t your fault, Jin, please understand that. It was unfair of me to hold you tethered to me when I obviously liked someone else.” 

“No,” he shakes his head. “I should have taken better care of you. I didn’t comfort you when you cried. I didn’t walk you home when I should’ve, even when you refused my offer. I should’ve… I should’ve asked you out earlier.”

You can only press a small grin, “yeah, perhaps a year earlier.”

He hesitates to ask, “...do you think it would’ve worked out if I did?” 

“...probably.” 

“I see,” he laughs to himself, eyes glancing to the coffee table before they land back on you. “You know you’re losing out on a great guy, right?”

“Yeah,” you laugh at his proclamation, gathering your purse and standing to your feet. Jin raises a brow at your sudden movements, turning around to follow your line of sight only to find Hoseok pacing around outside the cafe through the glass door. Jin only chortles when you make your own proclamation. “But you just aren’t the great guy for me.”

Your mother, on the other hand, faces a much more shocking revelation when she comes home to find you snuggled in his chest with his arm draped over your shoulders as the two of you hold your annual Christmas movie night in the comforts of your living room. 

“Hoseok?” her eyes widen between you and him. “I-I, but, w-what about Jessica? And Y/N, what about Jin?”

“Oh,” you yelp at the nudge and baffled look Hoseok gives you, “I thought I told you last year, mom. I broke up with him already!” 

Buzz. Buzz. 

“You can pick that up, y’know,” you whisper after his phone rings several times. 

Sighing to himself, Hoseok retracts his arms from your shoulder to check the caller phone ID before groaning in frustration. “Ugh, she just won’t leave me alone.”

“What? Who?” your mom pries. 

“Hello? Hey, Jessica, I felt like I should be decent enough to at least let you know to stop calling me before blocking you,” he adds in one more remark before hanging up. “I’m happily with Y/N now.” 

A snide cackle escapes your lips; whereas your mother, well, she neither collapses from shock. 

But it really doesn’t matter what they do, how they react, what they say. Dozens of people have tried to keep you two apart. Jessica, Namjoon, your parents, it’s almost as if everything but the arms-length distance between your windows and his and the blue skies that loom over his side that tries to sabotage your friend, your lover; for every night when he returns home from break and every night when you return home from school, even after all the passing months, the hues remain ever the more dazzling. 

Passing by your desk, you smile at the paper plane you had found lying on your desk last year after your first night with Hoseok. The dirt stains across the words scribbled onto paper still brings you back to a time when your strings tug and your heart aches. 

I just want to cry with my best friend 

I just want to love my best friend

“Hey, Hoseok,” you chide, opening the windows wide and returning his beaming smile with one of your own, “can I come over?”

This time, even if the whole universe were to attempt to convince you otherwise, you were sure to head on over to the blue side next door.