#🗝️ ☄️ ( live what little life / your broken heart can. ; zelos/alta. )

[nymfaia]

"i didn't think people like you existed." alta!

What was that meant to mean?

Alta allowed the quiet steam to surround his words, curling around them almost protectively - as if the nature they were lounging in knew the intent behind them even as it's mage questioned them entirely.

The moon hung lazily above the two of them, half-lidded in darkness and far away. It left the stars to shine in earnest, their dim light the only one truly shining upon them for over a mile... but even at that distance, the whisper of the city they had left seemed to follow them, the streetlamps a glowing, faraway haze.

When she had stepped off the path, Zelos had made a slippery remark, words pulled as easily from his lips as he was tugged along behind her. She had no intent of taking him off the traveler's worn road to harass him.

-- not in the forest, anywho.

She had been here before, she assured him, a paper parcel full of dried herbs and aromatics well and truly crushed in her rucksack. He had to trust her.

(There had been no quippy remark then, she noted belatedly, her attention so drawn to her dark adventuring. But he hadn't released her grasp - not then, not until the trees cleared and the rocky path unveiled her secret.)

She dropped her bag, instructed him to undress as he felt fit, and dug in the messy contents of her medic supplies until she found the crushed package. No matter. Dried, curled pieces of greenery spilled onto the surface of the spring water, the thick fog wafting the scent up into the air in a matter of moments.

"Chamomile," she explained, "and - ... lavender, and lemon balm."

Alta's shorts pooled at her ankles. Her poncho came off over her head next, the fibers catching on one of her earrings momentarily as she continued, half-mumbling:

"For stress relief, and sore muscles. I'm not sure I bought enough, but - ... that was what I could find."

She snuck her underclothes into her bag and turned. By the time Alta found his gaze, she had all but disappeared into the hot spring water, nose and eyes just above the surface.

This had been a gift to repay his own - ... but she would be dishonest to say she didn't benefit from the soak as well.

Her tail swished in the water when he spoke. Her hair looked nearly black where it floated on the surface of the water, giving the woman an oddly ominous appearance as she scrutinized him.

(The water dripping from his chest, the curls that fell over his shoulders, the reflection of the sky in his eyes - ... she could not decipher him. Alta wondered if she ever would.)

"I'm not - ... special," she said in return, raising from the water enough to speak clearly. The spring was hot, the air heavy and sweet with the flowers she had brought. Even if they were unable to make it back into town - ... she doubted setting up a camp here would be the worst thing.

To be able to stare at him and the stars alike would be almost more than she could ask for.

"If anything - ... I should be saying the same for you."

Her tone was bittersweet. He was maddening and endearing all at once, like trying to grapple with the very fog around them: heady and enticing but just out of reach. Alta's lips curled. She reached up, absently scrubbing the day's face paint from her cheeks.

"I'm nothing special," she repeated shyly. "Our meeting was - ... hm. A blue moon? A good chance. If anything - ... I should say the same for you."

[nymfaia]

Alta is demisexual. She doesn't have a lot of sexual or real romantic attraction towards most people, and isn't one for casual flings or one night romps. I feel like there are a decent amount of characters in her media that probably assume she's simply a prude or has incredibly high standards - given that her quietness can be taken as being an ice queen, she's probably gotten off on the wrong foot with many, many individuals.

In most fantasy realms, therapy simply doesn't exist. There are certainly always going to be good listeners and close relationships where people feel comfortable sharing their burdens and ghosts. Unfortunately, Eorzea doesn't have talk or trauma therapy, and unfortunately, Alta comes from a close-knit part of the world. Even with the Kha being more open to foreigners than the other tribes, they are very insulated.

She doesn't get to Eorzea until she is well and truly an adult, and has nearly twenty years of experience simply pretending her past doesn't exist. It is easier to help others than to help herself - but don't be fooled. Not all of her selflessness is truly that.

She helps others in the hope that mending their hurts will help her find out how to confront hers, too.

(Not that finding "selfish" reasons in selflessness is a bad thing - if people didn't derive joy or fulfillment from aiding others, it simply wouldn't be done. Humans inherently benefit from helping others. It's life.)

Alta never set out to fix others. She sought to fix herself, to finally unpack what happened to her and her family, to find the ability to talk about it. But she struggles with separating her memories from her grief, the happiness before the trauma, and finds it easier to ignore it all together.

In truth, she has blocked so much of her childhood away that she can scarcely remember what her parents and tribe look like. It's another fact she doesn't want to face, so she simply doesn't.

In healing arts and helping others she hopes to mend herself, even if the thought is so subconscious that she doesn't realize it. Deep inside, there's the little girl who wishes that what happened to her had been talked about and processed, that it had been given time to heal. Instead, her adopted tribe - fearful of the repercussions of speaking ill of the Dotharl - simply hadn't.

(Maybe, maybe - if she does enough, it will return. The care and effort she pours into others might come back, and she'll be able to accept it. Maybe.)

This is ultimately why she she pack bonds with muses that have similar ghosts. She sees her unprocessed grief in them and is desperate to heal herself, but can't. So she helps others.

(This is more obvious in her ships with Gaius and Ardyn, both people who tried to do good and have faltered. Gaius and her both have killed people in the name of doing better by their realms; Ardyn and Alta both help and help and help until it eats them alive. In both cases the ships may not be the healthiest, but instead of "helping" them she is able to walk the road with them - which I think is important, as both characters benefit and grow from each other's company.)

[nymfaia]

The (incomplete) Directory of Ship Tags and their Origin Songs:

💮 ☄️ ( live what little life / your broken heart can. ; zelos/alta. ) - Uneven Odds, Sleeping at Last

💡 💮 ( may our bodies be light / may our heavy hearts untie ; zelos/colette. ) - Heaven Breaks, Sleeping at Last

🗝️ 💮 ( a little at a time / i feel more alive. ; zelos/keira. ) - Nine, Sleeping at Last

☄️ 🛡️ ( a farewell that came all too soon ; alta/hau ) - Dear True Love, Sleeping at Last