#'the chords are G sharp F sharp A and D sharp' Ill Kill You

[vexangle]

on the topic of music though i think theres something about it that just doesnt click with my brain? because i DID learn music theory, how to play instruments, i had a music instructor, etc. and frankly i still dont really get it.

(under readmore because this got long)

when i performed pieces on piano i was mainly sightreading, and the way i could tell i made a mistake was because my muscle memory got good enough that i would feel my hands being in the wrong position for the sheet music i was seeing before i processed that the note i was hearing myself play was incorrect.

(i CAN hear it! but my visual-spatial and proprioceptive processing are leagues faster. ex: if my left hand playing accompaniment was supposed to play notes 1 octave apart in succession and i hit a 6th interval instead, i can hear that its not quite right! HOWEVER whats more clearly and immediately evident to me is that my hand did not travel far enough across the keyboard to hit an octave.)

note or chord names do not connect to a specific note's sound to me, i can only read sheet notation, and if anything having the notes labelled on the staff (like how beginner books do) made it more difficult for me to understand. its like staff placement = finger placement. and the sound doesnt factor into that, it exists but it goes somewhere else or hits roadblocks before being properly processed.

i also could not for the life of me pass the part of the aural exams that had us listen to about a minute length excerpt of music (theyd play it twice, with the 2nd time upon request) and then identify the musical period, mood, when during the piece the dynamics or tempo changed (such as near the beginning, in the middle, or near the end), etc. "was it louder at the start or the end?" = impossible question. when new music starts playing nothing except for the sound in this exact current moment exists to my brain. once it stops playing its just gone. "did it get slower at any point?" bro what you just played does not even EXIST in my brain anymore.

like clearly my working memory is kind of trash here but i wonder if its something specific about auditory stuff that my brain doesnt get. because i can comment on like, an animation based on my first or second watch even if i dont get to pause/rewind/analyze it frame by frame. and i can learn a dance/choreo thats set to music. but music itself really feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. just slips through my fingers like it never existed.