#( but it's not really crack. adfghjkl )

[zealctry]

so you wanna become Hidan's god? 9 easy steps to ensnare yourself a zealous follower.

1.  be divine.   self-explanatory. he will only worship the entity he deems (most) superior. holiness and goodness are not requirements. honestly, they’re rather optional ( as he will willingly stretch himself out and undergo an amazing assortment of mental gymnastics to thrust holiness upon you and justify all that you require of him! it’s fine. all good. he’ll make you holy. )

2.  be… impressively divine.   you’re divine? that’s cool, good for you and all. however, are you worth it?? are you the Most Special Divinity to Ever Divine on This Stupid Not-Divine Earth??? I mean, gods are like a salad bar nowadays, you can sort of pick and choose, and he’ll only choose The Rolls Royce of Gods. and he’s not as easily impressed as he looks or behaves ( he looks and behaves like a dumbass on most days; it’s funny, ok, he’s allowed to have fun, fuck you and your judgemental ass--!! ). however, he desperately needs a purpose. so that’s a nice basis to start working from (if you’re sly).

3. break him in.   no time to impress him or not the impressing you type? no problem! you can just break him in! in fact, this option is possibly the least time-consuming, and it’s exactly what happened to him in canon. he was so thoroughly impressed via various means of psychological and physical torture ( the worst of which must have been the sensory deprivation & being a witness to innumerable horrors ) that he quickly came to understand divinity when he next saw it! I mean, really, cult indoctrination is sooooo much easier when you have made the material more malleable to work with, after all.

4.  make use of him.   Hidan’s religion is the driving force behind most things in his life, down to waking up every morning; the purpose of religion is purpose itself andall of that. that being said, you better put him to good use. make demands of him; set him tasks and goals to properly serve your very divine self. he is not only insanely happy to accomplish all manners of things for you, but he needs to. ( seriously, he needs it. )

5.  let him worship you; make it as grueling as possible.   he needs to deserve your love and attention, after all. bonus points if he has to sacrifice parts of himself or suffer innumerable horrors from time to time.

6.  give him little treats & reminders that you are, in fact, divine.   he responds very well to positive reinforcement (preferably on a fixed schedule, but anything will do), but a constant reminder is best. such as gifting him with immortality. or any other weird ass supernatural thing, he’s not picky, as long as it clearly demonstrates your awesomesauce, godlike powers. it’s a constant reminder of your Very Divine Self (even if it’s not actually divine.)

7.  terrify him.   that’s it. simple and straightforward. do not, I repeat, do not, skip this step. it is crucial.

8.  don’t mind him bitching (but don’t always put up with his bitching).   by his very nature, he’s a brat. he’ll bitch. he’ll moan. probably never to your face (but you’re divine, so you have ears everywhere, right??). boss him around every now and then to remind him who’s on top, but let things slide from time to time. if he gets too out of line, up the ante on #7 (it means you did a piss poor job with it or he suffered head-trauma that muddled his memories a bit; so remind him).

9.  bless him by visiting him from time to time.   even if it’s via hallucinogenic drugs. or prophetic dreams. he’d totally buy into either and will go a little bit fanatically insane for a few days in the aftermath. that’s cute, right??

aaaand that’s it. he’s somewhat of a troublesome brat, but once you break him in properly, you’ll find him a most devoted follower, willing to stretch himself on your behalf to an inhuman degree. in fact, he will become quite demented just for you. isn’t that a lovely thought? xoxo