#(📓) ; journal.001

[absolutpurevodka]

(8/4)

i will forever hate my headmates and the ones that front often. i know none of them front as often as i do, but just knowing they stick around long enough to see some of my worst moments bothers me to no end. most of them have never pointed fingers at me for how i act in the headspace but most of them have pointed fingers because of who i am. i understand i have killed people, but i have never touched a single person on the headspace ever since i formed back in august. it bothers me and at times it hurts. the ones that bully me all the time don't front often, but when they do, i lose interest in being at front. they're sick, they're ruthless..

it hurts because i try to be normal, but i can never ever wash the blood on my hands. figuratively and literally. headspace wise, i have a hole on the side of my head. open, like a tunnel that will never stop the pain that courses through my brain. it bleeds, but it doesn't bleed as much as it did when i first got here. but it hurts, it's like a sting that doesn't go away and it's always running and falling from the side of my head, staining whatever it can of my neck and shoulder.

everyone changes, everyone has their own outfits that they can change from at anytime and everyone has their favorite headmate member. i have none of that. i am stuck walking with these sticky blood covered boots and this wrath shirt, so dark after the blood stained on it. the younger ones are always too disgusted to look at me, hiding behind what they can to avoid looking at me. and the older ones always have some kind of ... disappointing pity in their eyes. i cannot change what i am, i cannot change the damage i've done to myself.