#((my brain is putty but my muse is high so y'all get to deal with my fic bits

[starcchild]

conflicted - ikau one-shot

"Hey, Carter, look at me."

She flinched as Quentin cupped her face with both hands, but his grip only tightened. Not enough for it to hurt, but enough for her to stay. Enough for her to turn her gaze back to his - to see a softness in his gaze she... still wasn't sure how to feel about. Even despite the way her heart seemed to skip a beat. Despite the way her stomach twisted.

Were those good feelings? Bad? She could never tell. But... she wanted to think they were good.

Though the way her stomach coiled as he ran his thumb across her cheek threatened to make her think twice if she let herself focus on it.

"You've got me," he reminded quietly. His gaze never wavering from hers. "The others clearly don't care, but I do. Screw the Avengers - you don't need them. You can still be Iron Man without 'em. I'm telling you, sweetheart, you can walk away. It could be you and me, you know. We could be heroes together. Wouldn't that be better?"

God, a part of Carter was tempted to agree. To leave the Avengers and strike it out with Quentin, or even just on her own. She could still be Iron Man - she didn't need to lose who she was by walking. Yet... there was a tightness in her chest that made her heart hurt. A panic that seemed to seep through her mind like ice - threatening to take hold if she so much as even entertained the idea further. As desperate as she was to leave the moniker behind... she couldn't. It was who she was, regardless of whether or not she wanted it. She was Iron Man. And...

She was an Avenger. Even if she didn't want to be. She couldn't just leave them like that, even if she could be replaced. Even if they didn't care.

And she'd be lying if she said there wasn't something about Quentin's insistence that made her nervous. Even if she did everything she could to ignore it. Because he meant well - he did. She... knew he did. He was just... intense. Focused on his goals. Determined to leave his mark on the world by doing good.

She needed to believe that he meant well--

"I--" Carter swallowed thickly, and let out a shaky breath as his thumb gently ran over her cheek once more. As he tilted her chin up. "It would be, but..."

His gaze darkened, and he stifled a sigh. "But you won't leave." His voice was quiet, but... colder. Heavy with disappointment. Though, even as he still held her face in his hands, his grip never tightened like she always expected. Never turned painful. "Carter--"

"I... I want to," she interrupted - her voice rising in a near-desperation for him to believe her. An apology burning in the back of her throat. "I... I do, but I can't... I can't just..." She inhaled sharply, and felt a funny sense of relief as Quentin's expression seemed to soften. "I- I can't... just lea-leave, Quen. It's- it's not--" Control it. "It's... not that simple. But if I-- If I could..."

He said nothing, and instead leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers. But her heart only lodged in her throat, and she fought the urge to pull away from him. Unable to understand why she felt so conflicted when it came to his touch.

"You can," he murmured, "but alright. We can drop it for now. I just need you to know you're only hurting yourself by staying. They don't care about you, Carter, you've said that yourself." He went quiet for a moment, and he bumped his nose against hers. "You know I care about you, right?"

Do you? she wanted to ask, but held her tongue. Unsure if she should just kiss him to get him to drop it, or try - again - to get him to actually listen to her about why she struggled so much with the idea of leaving. But... "I know," she rasped. "I know you do, Quen. And I'm sorry, I just--"

With a quiet hush, Quentin kissed her, and it took everything in Carter not to recoil. To shove down the hurt as she closed her eyes and returned it slowly. To ignore how much she wanted this to be different. That he loved her the way she--

Did she even love him?

"You can stay with me tonight," he said quietly as he pulled away from her, though still cradled her face in his hands. "Give yourself time to think about it away from them. I could use your help anyway with this stupid program."

Carter ignored how her stomach twisted and her heart studdered, and gave a small nod in response. Unwilling to figure out how she felt about him. "Yeah. I... I can do that." It was easier to focus on work. Easier to distract herself that way. To ignore her conflictions as she gingerly pulled back out of his grasp. "Thank you, Quen."

He smiled, and she wasn't sure if it made her want to stay, or if she should--

"Anything to distract you, sweetheart."

Quentin's smile widened, and she decided then that the kind look in his eye was enough to make her want to stay. Enough for her to ignore how she still felt conflicted. To ignore the quiet worry in the back of her mind that he might be caring about her for all the wrong reasons. Because... he was the only one who cared. He was, and it was just her mind playing tricks and telling her otherwise. He was different. He was--

Carter forced a smile back, and followed him inside.