#3E-Dangerous Dieting

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Borscht and Khachapuri

Fic request for @gothlebedev

When the boys get a new student who is very pushy with her concern, they learn an important lesson.

Based on https://youtu.be/HZK2RHl5Whc by request

Johann Chu sighed softly, drumming his nails on his desk and slowing the natural rise in his pulse in response to the weather. The view outside his dorm window was white with rain. The sound of its hiss came in waves. When the wind blew, the large drops rattled heavy on the glass. Lightning flashed brightly and the thunder occurred close, like a wildcat’s scream. 

A text popped onto his cellphone. “Severe thunderstorm warning has been issued for the Chicago area…”

Followed by “A Tornado Warning has been issued for the following counties…”

Followed by “There’s a legit tornado on the ground just a county over!” This text was from Luminous. He added a fearful emoji in his text.

Johann texted back. “We are not in any danger.”

“Yeah but still! Have you ever seen a tornado?”

Johann’s eyelids lowered in a slow blink. He didn’t respond to that. Of course he’d seen a tornado. After all... Shavee’s EX was...

“Never mind. I’m stupid. Forget I said that.” Luminous replied with a face palm emoji.

Another text, this one from the principal. “Forgive my poor timing. However, this is an emergency, I need you to come to my office right away.”

It was a group text to Caesar, himself, and Luminous.

Johann grabbed his coat, his umbrella and his sword on his way out the door. An emergency in this weather requiring his immediate presence had to be truly dire.

He arrived at the same time as Caesar. Caesar and he approached from opposite sides of the hall, walking confidently towards the principal office door on the left. Normal human interaction would dictate that one yield to the other and let the other enter first as only one could fit through the door at a time. 

But their eyes met and they both matched their stride so that they would have to arrive at the door at the same time while neither was willing to yield to the other. The result was that they stood in front of the door. Lightning flashed outside illuminating their shadows. 

Caesar was in a crisp navy blue suit and had somehow managed to stay untouched by the pouring rain outside. Nono had just informed him that she was leaving tomorrow so he had just come from the airport after seeing her off when he got this cryptic text from the principal. “What are the odds, meeting you here?”

Johann tilted his head. “100 percent. I was invited in the same group text as you.”

“That was a group text?” Caesar examined his phone and at that time, Johann  walked in ahead of him.  

The office was empty so Johann waited while Caesar caught up. The door on the far side of the room was open and the principal’s jolly voice could be heard behind it.

He was speaking to someone. “Oh, don’t be shy. Here, I’ll go first.” The principal was also wearing a suit with a button down tailored shirt with a frilled collar. He bit down on a fine Cuban cigar. His blue eyes were sharp and glowing with activity. Both of the young men stood up straighter. He only got in such moods when something important happened, usually when it came to dragonslaying. “Thank you for coming out on such short notice. I-...” 

He looked back and forth. “Where is Luminous?” He checked his phone. Luminous had filled the text messages with objections due to inclement weather. “That boy. Ah. I suppose we’ll have to continue without-”

“We could have been hit with lightning?! Don’t you know there’s a tornado not far from us?” Luminous entered the Principal's office, being dragged by the collar by a soaking wet Finger Von Frings. 

“Here he is, just sign here!” Finger held out his checkbook.

The principal pulled a pen from his jacket pocket and signed a big 0 on the check book. “I did not order delivery, but thank you for your service.” 

“Brutal! Not a single cent!” Finger howled. 

“Now go on. I’m afraid your grade is not high enough to take part in this meeting.” He shooed him away with a gentle wave of his hand.

Johann held out his umbrella to Finger who readily accepted it. “Thank you, brother. At least someone here is kind to me!”

Luminous whose soaked clothes were creating a puddle on the shining floors growled. “Don’t give him your umbrella now, he’s already wet!”

Anjou's eyes shifted back to the open door. “Oh pish-tosh, it’s just a little rain…”

"Seriously principal,  getting struck by lightning is a thing! Why are you laughing? You like to laugh at the misery of others? What a sadist! This had better be good." Luminous shuddered, the air conditioning getting to him. “Is this a prank? Seriously?”

Luminous trailed off. Caesar and Johann both understood that the Principal's methods tended to be more educational than sadistic. He was letting Luminous voice his complaints without interruption because he had a reason. Luminous suddenly realized he was the only one speaking, like a warrior running into the battle shouting a battle cry, only to realize his army wasn’t behind him.

The Principal beckoned to someone. "I just couldn't wait to introduce our new student."

The click of small heels echoed against the rumble of thunder. Her heels were white with frilly ankle socks. Her pale legs had a gentle curve up to her knees. Her Cassell uniform skirt rested right where her thighs began.

She was below average height of 5'4". Her waist length hair was colored light lavender to match her grey eyes which tended to reflect the color of the room she was in, whether it was the blue of the sky, the silver of a sterile hospital or the Principal’s warm colored office which gave them a lavender hue. They were wide and earnest as she walked up to Luminous and looked up at him with an intense regret. “I’m sorry, let me dry you off!”

A thick plush towel was in her hands and she hurried to Luminous who leaned back in terror.

“No, I-!” Luminous tried to back away but she was too fast and too determined.

“You must be freezing. I didn’t know the weather or I would have asked the Principal to wait.” She spoke with a slight Russian accent. She dabbed at his face, his hands and his shoulders and chest, while he squirmed helplessly to escape. But where he moved he exposed another soaked part of his body that she firmly patted dry, brazenly invading his personal space with her female presence! 

“Stop! You don’t have to dry me off!” He reached for her towel but she ducked under his arm and ran her hands along his side. 

“Please, you’re going to catch a cold!” She snapped.

Anjou observed, his face as tranquil as a mirror pool. “This is MC, our new student. She’s just finished her 3E exam and has also come back S-ranked.”

“Another S-ranked student in so many years?” Caesar raised an eyebrow.

“The Dragon Kings are accelerating their awakening as well. I think it’s reasonable to assume these occurrences are connected. That’s why I called you here.” Anjou said gravely.

Chu Zihang lifted one hand to his chin, his eyes narrowing. Her earnest manner seemed completely innocent, but her moves were anything but. They were calculated, swift, and without any hesitation. Luminous could only vocally complain. He couldn’t catch her or her towel. She was only holding a towel, but if it was a blade instead of a towel, Luminous would be covered in stab wounds!

Luminous finally gave up resisting. His face was completely flushed with embarrassment as she patted him down cooing. “See? This isn’t so bad is it?”

They were quick to learn that MC was like this to everyone.

“Johann! Johann!”

Early one morning a week later, the man was on his way to school when he heard MC screaming his name. He turned to see her running for him full tilt. She made so much noise that people around stopped what they were doing. She halted right in front of him and held out a small Tupperware. “I made you some snacks.” She puffed twice and straightened, holding the box with both hands.

“I already ate breakfast but thank you. You shouldn't just do things for me without asking.” Johann turned away and started walking.

“You just eat that simple porridge for breakfast. It’s not enough! You’re going to wither away to nothing!” She grabbed his hand and placed the Tupperware in it.

Johann’s eyes sparked with irritation. He followed a very strict diet plan and what she put in his hand smells of eggs and bacon and possibly a baked good or two. It was far too much and he wouldn’t eat it. “It will get cold.”

“Put it in the uh… the uh…” She snapped her fingers to recall the word. “The oven. The one with the buttons on it. That turns it into a circle.”

“It turns it in a circle.” Johann corrected her. He also became pointedly aware that other people were starting to gather and watch.  “Fine. Just this once. And it’s a microwave.”

She tilted her head. “A what?”

“Microwave oven. It’s the oven with the buttons.” He turned away to walk and much to his shock, she followed him! 

“What’s a microwave?” She asked, looking up at him. Her eyes were so big, judging from the ratio they would fill at least a quarter of her face.

“It’s a form of radiation that…”

“Radiation?!” Her eyes widened even further. “Oh no, no no!” She shook her head, dismayed that the microwave was dousing her food in radiation.

“It’s harmless radiation. There are microwaves all around us. Microwave ovens move the molecules of food, specifically water molecules and that heats the food…”

Later that day, Caesar received a phone call. “Gattuso speaking.”

“...Gattuso?”

Caesar checked his caller ID. It was one of his Student Union people. In fact, it was the exact one he sent out to invite the MC to join the Student Union. “MC why are you on Marcus’s phone?”

“Who is Marcus?” She asked indignantly. “I’m calling Caesar…”

“I’m Caesar!” Caesar covered his eyes, laughing.

“Why didn’t you just say that?” She asked with a touch of wounded pride. “This man here says he wants me to joining some sort of Union. I am not interested in a Union. I don't have any money for fees and I don’t know what it's about.” Her voice sounded like she’d turned her face away to yell at him.

“Calm down. It’s a club. I run it. It happens to be the most prestigious club in Cassell College.”

“Oh.” She was quiet for a moment. “So it’s not a Union?”

“Can I talk to Marcus please? The man who’s phone you’re using?”

“Oh… alright… Here Caesar wants to talk to you.”

“Oh thank god.” Marcus was gasping. “She attacked me and put me in the pantry! There are nothing but beets in here! I’m covered in dirt”

“You’re not hurt too bad around you?”

“She punched me in the stomach!” He whimpered! “Please! She won’t let me leave!”

“Her English is a bit limited. Let me talk to her.” 

Marcus hands MC back the phone. “Did you work it all out?” She asked.

“Yes. There is a misunderstanding. Please let Marcus go. I think I’ll have to invite you in person.”

MC’s voice brightened immediately! “Good! Come over to my house for dinner, I’m making borscht and khachapuri. You like khachapuri.” Statement, not a question. “It’s egg and cheese in a bread. Come over to my house. I’ll teach you how to make it.”

“Fine, I'll come over. How does 7 pm sound?” Caesar chuckled followed by silence. “Hello?”

She’d hung up!

By the time Caesar got there, Johann Chu was already there. Johann looked bewildered as she struggled to help him understand how to knead the dough properly into a boat shaped bread. “Now, you need to …” She looked up and noted that Johann was looking at Caesar. “No, don't look at him look at me. You put this cheese here, okay?”

“Did you make this cheese? It looks fresh?” Johann said in wonder.

“Yes, only fresh cheese for khachapuri. Caesar! Close the door, you'll let out all the heat!” She yelled over the strains of traditional Russian music. “Take off your shoes!”

Lu Mingfei was on dish duty. He looked terrified and mouthed the words. “Help me…” At Caesar, who did not help.

“I brought some wine!” Caesar said brightly.

The woman looked it over and nodded approvingly. “Good. Please set the table.”

The oven was blazing at full power and sent out a wave of heat on opening that might have seared Johann if he wasn’t already used to much higher temperature. MC herded Luminous to the table that Caesar had already set with bowls and utensils.

In a few minutes, the MC had served them borscht and khachapuri. “Good thing I brought some wine over.” Caesar was always well prepared with a fine vintage for dinner invites. He even poured a confused Johann Chu a glass. “How did she rope you into this?” Caesar asked.

“She told me she needed help with homework. But this was actually home-work. Not… studying.”

Caesar laughed. “Okay, I see how that happened.”

Once everyone was seated, MC stood in her flour dusted apron at the head of the table. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were misty. She shocked everyone by suddenly dipping her head into her hands and sobbing quietly. Luminous hesitated but Caesar was at her side in a flash. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“No, it’s just… I’m so happy. I thought… I thought I would never have any friends any more.”

Caesar grabbed a napkin from the table. “Why would you think that? You’re such a sweet person.”

And then she told them. All her friends were killed. In front of her. On Christmas day. It turned out that she had been looking forward to a warm hearty dinner with friends as her last memory and was eager to recreate the feeling of gathering around a table for a home cooked meal. It was only after everyone was seated and the food was warm and served in front of them, that she could finally let go of her earnest desire. She did it. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I have to say such sad things and cry like this.”

Luminous and Johann Chu and Caesar stood around her, hugging her tightly in turn. Luminous regretted trying to stop her from drying him off. Johann regretted rejecting her food so harshly and Caesar regretted not understanding her intentions and laughing at what seemed to him to be strange behavior. They didn’t realize how much sorrow she was working under and that they were her replacement friends.

After that, Johann got into the habit of skipping breakfast and incorporating her rich food into his diet plan. Luminous let her care for his health even wearing the lumpy knitted hats she shoved on his head whenever it was slightly cloudy or breezy outside. And Caesar always showed up for dinner.

[thecreaturecodex]

Reef Masher

“The Sea Wyvern’s Wake Frontispiece” by Ben Wootten, © Paizo Publishing.

[Here’s the first of many, many conversions of obscure 1e monsters. I’ve been mentally referring to this as “the not in the Tome of Horrors” collection, as I’m avoiding revisiting their monsters. I’ll probably do my takes on some of those eventually, but not for the moment.

Many of these critters are obscure because they don’t have illustrations in the original book in which they appeared. I’ve certainly forgotten the masher existed a couple of times. But it did appear in the 2e Monstrous Compendium series, the 3e Savage Tide AP, and @filbypott‘s Creature Chronicle here] I didn’t read Filby’s version until my flavor text was in the bag, and I find it amusing that we both made it a giant lamprey. Unless I had read his version years ago, and this is subconscious plagiarism.]

Reef Masher CR 6 N Animal This worm-like fish has a gaping, circular maw and a crest of long quills growing from its back.

Reef mashers, also called mashers or coral mashers, are enormous jawless fish related to lampreys. Their mouths are a ring of grinding teeth, which they use to pulverize corals, sponges, mollusks and other hard-shelled bottom-dwellers. Reef mashers require plenty of food, and few coral reefs can support more than a single masher. Thus, they are territorial and aggressive towards potential competitors. Most reef mashers will ignore a man-sized creature unless it attacks them, but they have been known to mistake boats for rivals, then smash them to bits. The only time reef mashers can tolerate each other is when seasonal and hormonal conditions are right for mating—the mashers swim out to deep water and spawn in enormous conglomerations.

Reef masher venom is a product of their diet—they pick up defensive compounds from corals and sponges and concentrate them into a potent toxin. Those stuck with a reef masher’s spines suffer horrible rotting wounds, and few natural predators will tangle with a reef masher more than once. Sahuagin value this toxin for making poisoned weapons, and hunt reef mashers for their spines to craft into spears and crossbow bolts. The flesh of the reef masher is favored by certain daring chefs for its delicate flavor, firm texture and dangerous reputation. Only a talented butcher can safely clean reef masher filets to render them harmless on a successful DC 20 Survival or Profession (chef) check. On a failed check, the meat retains the reef masher’s poison, although creatures that eat it have an onset time of 10 minutes before the effects begin.

Reef Mashers as Animal Companions Starting Statistics: Size Medium; Speed 20 ft., swim 40 ft..; AC +2 natural armor; Attack bite (2d4); Ability Scores Str 9, Dex 18, Con 12, Int 1, Wis 11, Cha 2; Special Qualities low-light vision, quills (1d4 piercing, Dex-based DC) 7th-Level Advancement: Size Large; AC +3 natural armor; Attack bite (3d4); Ability Scores Str +8, Dex -2, Con +4; Special Qualities poison (Con-based DC), quills (1d6 piercing, Dex-based DC)

Reef Masher       CR 6 XP 2,400 N Huge animal (aquatic) Init +2; Senses low-light vision, Perception +11 Defense AC 18, touch 10, flat-footed 16 (-2 size, +2 Dex, +8 natural) hp 76 (8d8+40) Fort +11, Ref +8, Will +4 Defensive Abilities quills Offense Speed 20 ft., swim 40 ft. Melee bite +12 (4d4+10) Space 15 ft.; Reach 10 ft. Special Attacks poison Statistics Str 25, Dex 14, Con 20, Int 1, Wis 11, Cha 2 Base Atk +6; CMB +15; CMD 28 Feats Combat Reflexes, Iron Will, Skill Focus (Perception), Weapon Focus (bite) Skills Perception +11, Swim +20 Ecology Environment warm and temperate oceans Organization solitary or scrum (2-20) Treasure none Special Attacks Poison (Ex) Quill—injury; save Fort DC 18; duration 1/round for 4 rounds; effect 1d3 Con damage; cure 2 saves. The save DC is Constitution based. Quills (Ex) Whenever a creature strikes a reef masher with a natural weapon, unarmed strike, touch attack or melee weapon, it must succeed a DC 16 Reflex save or take 1d8+3 points of piercing damage and is exposed to the reef masher’s poison. A weapon with the reach property does not endanger its wielder in this way. The save DC is Dexterity based.