#Adele/CCA"Glasgow

[catloud]

I am very aware I am not Adele and I haven’t cancelled a Wembley gig.  I’m not Gaga, rescheduling. Jeez, I’m not even the lesser-known fifth of Spandau Ballet deciding not to turn on the Wolverhampton Christmas Lights circa 1996.

But I have cancelled a few shows, and I should probably talk about it.

I am, in spite of my overt cynicism, an eternal optimist.  I always think that everything will be ok. Not great, but ok. I say yes because, at my very core, I’m afraid of having nothing; if presented with the choice to sing or not to sing, I will always choose singing.

I am also terrible with money.

I am impulsive and spend with my heart rather than my head. I draw up budgets based solely on how excited I am about the performance. Combine these two traits in business, and you’re hardly onto a winner. I could write a book about my business style. It would be called The Art of the Fail. I say yes and do the maths later.

I am also a chronic worrier. I always have been. When I was in primary school, I would get sick on every school trip, without fail, because I’d give myself stomach ulcers fretting about going away.  I have been to a GP twice in the past two years because I’ve felt a lump in my throat.  Anything related to the condition of my voice – every cough, tickle and scratch – sends me into a panic.  And each time I’ve been sent away, in perfect physical health, after being told that lump is just a symptom of anxiety.

It’s been back with a vengeance lately.

I can’t sing when I’m anxious.

And that’s a really big problem.

Things that make me ANXIOUS include:

Not Being Paid For a Gig!

Not Having a Travel Budget!

Feeling Like I Don’t Care About Anything  Enough!

Feeling Like I Care About Everything Too Much!

Not Knowing When I’ll Get Time Off To See My Parents!

Burning My Dauphinoise Potatoes!

Being Late For My Day Job!

Customers at My Day Job Sitting At Literally the Only Dirty Table in An Otherwise Empty Restaurant!

Icy Pavements!

And Much, Much, Much, Much, Much More!

I’m not making excuses. I should have been more prepared for this, or better yet, done my sums before saying YES and wasting other peoples’ time. But, even without beating myself up about what I did or didn’t do, it has become so obvious that all habits and attitudes related to the way I have previously gone about my career and conducted business simply can’t sustain me or any kind of balance in my life anymore.  2019 has started with a rude awakening to the fact that that I Am Taking On Too Much.  

So I won’t be at VAULT Festival this year.  I said YES to a London show in the middle of a week when I already had three gigs plus The Day Job, thinking It Would Be Fine. It is not fine.

I also won’t be running Speak ~ Easy until further notice. As grateful as I am to performers who have already put their energies into it, and I don’t feel like I have the time or the resources to put 100% of my own efforts into making it something special just yet.  

I won’t be saying YES to things unless I am sure I can pay my musicians fairly and not haemorrhage my rent money along the way.  

I’m not sure what I’ll be saying YES to yet, but I’ll let you know when it happens and one thing is for sure – it’s going to spark JOY.

Here are the remaining dates I have left in February and early March.

17 Feb | 9pm Cat Loud Quartet The Jazz Bar

18 Feb | 8pm Jock Tamson's Bairns CCA Glasgow

21-23 Feb | 8pm Jock Tamson's Bairns Assembly Roxy

9 March | 7:30pm To the End of the World! Alphabetti Theatre, Newcastle

All tickets and more info: www.catloud.co.uk/dates

Thank you for indulging me. Hope to see you soon.

 Cx