#And maybe even angry at the fact that his sight could've remained this entire time

[sastiel-is-my-serotonin]

The thought of Sam going blind due to the hunt of Bloody Mary lives inside my brain nonstop. The panic between him and Dean. Sam having so much emotions towards it. Fear, loss, strangely relief and almost joy, but also anger. Going through the motions of all of this and having to figure out and navigate his life. Is he even able to hunt anymore? And is it wrong of him to not want to see again in a way? At least this way when he wakes up, there's no disappointment and hurt at not seeing Jessica by his side. Doesn't have to see constant reminders of her that make him replay that night on repeat of all the things he should've done differently. How he should have been there. It's all his fault and he can't stand looking at himself, and this way, he doesn't have to. He has to live with himself but he doesn't have to watch himself fall apart without his rock. Without his person. Without his world. He still hears Dean, knows him well enough to know what he's thinking, where's he at in a room. He's more aware of him now more than ever, and maybe at times he wants to be able to see. At times he wants to go back and kill her before she took his sight because he can't keep living without seeing the things around him. He's tired of running into things, people thinking he's an idiot who can't tell they're trying to scam or hurt him. He's tired of being a liability. But when it came to being able to see again, there was a long pause, Uriel was about to force it and get it over and done with. A blind hunter is useless to Heaven, but Castiel pauses and asks if that's what Sam needs. Quietly asking if it's what he wants, and Sam doesn't know the answer to that. And wonders is it selfish to want to be blind in a world that's hurt him so much more when he had sight? He's not prepared to see what he's become. He's not ready to see if he's been walking around with a false Dean, that this is all just a trick. That it's a shapeshifter or something playing Sam, and he's close enough to the actual Dean, he's not ready to live in a world without him again. Maybe angels are fake and this is something else. He doesn't know for sure. This could be a trick. But if it isn't? Is he ready to live with something he thought was long gone?