#Debating if/when I write more if I'll post and link or reblog with this one

[jmrothwell]

We Run Together

(Part 2)

Sweat, salty and pungent, and so overwhelmingly present there would be nowhere to hide from it in the whole building. It’s part of why Willie typically avoided large enclosed crowds like this. Outside the wind could carry the scent away. Especially close to the beach where it’d be replaced with a different sort of salt. 

But as overwhelmingly bad as the sweat was, it was nothing compared to the pheromones. The overall excitement. The flashes of lust and arousal. 

Then to combine all of that with the plethora of smells permeating in every nook and cranny of the building, it was nearly dizzying. 

He didn’t know how the rest of the guy’s could stomach it. The strong eucalyptus oil Reggie had recommended he’d swipe under his nose had worn off and he hadn’t brought nearly enough peppermint candies. If it wasn’t for the fact the guy’s still had a couple more songs in their set Willie would have probably already left. 

Honestly, he still might with how the many smells were starting to make his head ache. He’s sure Alex would understand, Bobby and Reggie too. Luke would eventually get it. 

Yeah, he needed to go, he realized as the thrumming in his head began to go out of sync with the beat of the music. Slowly he moved through the crowds towards the exit, regretting his choice of route every step of the way. Theoretically a straight line was the shortest way. In practice throwing himself deeper into the swarm of writhing bodies and their prominent scents was not the smartest thing to have done. 

Then, somehow, a new scent drifted to him through the crowd, making him stop in his tracks.

No. Scent wasn’t quite right. 

But it wasn’t entirely wrong either. 

Whatever it was, it was faint. Far too faint amongst everything else. No where near strong enough to easily identify, let alone capture his attention like it had.  Not nearly enough to track or follow to its source from within this crowd. 

He should let it be. 

Yet, his feet stayed put as he kept glancing around him. Jostled on occasion by someone dancing or passing through. He should really move. But it was, to say the least, how vaguely familiar this scent was in spite of how faint it was. 

It wasn’t another wolf. Though he still felt like he should recognize it. The only other times any scents had made him feel like this were…

“Hey, you ok?” A hand gripped his shoulder and Alex’s face ducked down into view. 

Willie shook his head, blinking a few times for good measure. When did they finish their set? He couldn’t have been standing here that long?

When the club came back into focus  though, sure enough, the music had switched to a different band. Willie glanced around him ready to tell Alex he was fine or maybe the crowd had overwhelmed him more than he thought it would. But then his eyes caught on Bobby and Reggie. 

The two of them glanced around them like they were looking for something. Bobby’s brows were furrowed in frustration, while Reggie was just plain confused. 

“Wait, can you smell that too?” Willie asked, relieved he hadn’t been imagining things like he’d almost convinced himself. 

“‘M not sure.” Bobby muttered as Reggie wandered further into the crowd. Luke was about to do the same until Alex grabbed him by the back of his shirt. 

“No sense in us all getting lost and distracted.” Alex said even with his own head on a swivel, postured like he too was ready to sprint off as soon as he found what he was looking for. 

In the end none of them could identify or find the source of whatever it was they were smelling. They had to admit defeat after both the smell faded even further into obscurity, no doubt whoever it was having left, and the club closed, kicking them out.

Willie tried to convince himself it was a fluke. That the stress and fumes and atmosphere had gotten to him. The smell meant nothing.

[matryosika]

Extracurricular

Pairing — Hyunjin x fem!reader Wordcount — 9,281 words Includes — College AU, strangers to something. Shy and inexperienced Hyunjin. Explicit content, smut warnings under the cut. Author's note — This was... a ride. I'm used to writing super filthy smut, but I think this one is pretty soft and wholesome. I enjoyed this idea a lot, and I enjoyed writing it too. I was between Seungmin, Mark and Hyunjin for this one, but I eventually decided to go with Hyunjin because... I don't think I've read a lot about him in this kind of dynamic haha. Also to indulge myself. I hope you guys like it; if you do, please like/reblog and leave an ask or comment! Remember that I own a ko-fi, in case you want to support my work further (link in my post pinned!) Every tip is super helpful to me.

Smut warnings: Kind of perv!Hyunjin if you squint. Hyunjin gets hard during a non-sexual context and reader catches it. Soft dirty talk, handjob, fingering, oral sex (both m. and f. receiving), deepthroating and super soft face fucking, cum eating, multiple orgasms (for both characters). Penetrative sex, unprotected sex (contraceptives are discussed), creampie.

[15:47 p.m.] You: 8, my place. 

Hyunjin tilted his head while reading your text, unsure about what he should reply. It wasn’t a question, nor a proposal; it was an order, something he had to accept rather than negotiate. 

[15:48 p.m.] Hyunjin: Yeah. 

For once, he was glad about being partnered with someone who enjoyed taking the lead. Had it been any other classmate of his, Hyunjin was sure he would’ve been forced to take the initiative. 

This time around, though, he wasn’t. But at what cost? The relief of being grouped with someone like you wasn’t as comforting as any other would think. Sure, more than one classmate would’ve done anything to be paired with you, but Hyunjin just couldn’t feel the same. 

[15:50 p.m.] You: my apartment is near Namyeong station. 

[15:50 p.m.] You: I'll text you the address later, wait. 

He spent the following hours waiting for your text, wondering how fate had played such cards on him. Was it a divine punishment? Or a devilish blessing? Hyunjin just couldn’t know.

*

He stood in front of your apartment door for minutes, debating on whether he should knock right away or wait a little bit longer. The clock on his cellphone screen Hyunjined 8:02, yet he didn’t want to look too desperate to get inside your place, even when he was.

So, Hyunjin opted to wait a few more minutes before knocking on your door. He thought about it as a way to soothe himself, though it was useless —no amount of waiting time could fight the awkwardness of getting to hang around you for a whole evening.

Despite knowing that, he tried his best. He brushed his sweaty palms against the fabric of his sweatpants, fixed his hair, cleared his throat, and rehearsed his greeting.

“Hey,” he whispered to himself. Too sharp. “Hello,” too weird. “Hi,” totally not like him.

“What’s up?,” Hyunjin finally concluded. What’s up? Casual, friendly, and not too uptight —even when that's probably one word he would use to describe himself.

With tons of hesitation, and motivated by the already wasted time, Hyunjin finally knocked on your door. He went for three knocks, one right after the other.

Surprisingly, you answered the door after the second one.

“What were you doing?”

It wasn't that Hyunjin needed to have everything under his control, but he wished to have at least some of it. From the moment you choose your own place for the project meeting, to the blunt question you welcomed him with, Hyunjin felt nothing but uncertainty.

In any other situation, or with any other person, he would've been the one leading the way. He would've been at the comfort of his place, welcoming his guest the way he wished to be welcomed. He would direct the project, choose the idea he liked best, work diligently on it and call it a day.

But he was standing right in front of your apartment door, with his cheeks flushed and a timid grimace that resembled more awkwardness than a friendly smile.

“Huh?” he mumbled, barely audible for you.

“It’s 8:20,” you stepped away from the door and encouraged the brown-haired to come in. “I was waiting for you”.

Were you? Hyunjin lost track of the time that evening. He knew he got to your apartment at around 8, but he wasn’t conscious of the whole twenty minutes he spent getting ready to knock on your door.

“Sorry,” was all he could come up with. “Hi”.

“Hi,” you said back, closing the door right behind you and guiding your shy classmate across the small living room.

He seemed nosy, you could tell; his eyes widened as he discreetly scanned the whole space. There was not much to see though —when it came to room décor, you were more of a minimalist. Still, Hyunjin was curious because it was your place, he wasn’t particularly interested in appreciating the small details but imagining how you spent your afternoons resting there.

“So,” you sat down on the couch and grabbed your laptop from the coffee table, leaving space for Hyunjin to sit next to you. He seemed hesitant at first, debating on whether he should be close to you or not for his own good, but he didn’t want to make things any more awkward than they already were. “Any ideas?”

“Ideas?”

“Mhm,” you nodded, “for the project”.

To be truthfully honest, Hyunjin had plenty of ideas for the final assignment. But as he inhaled your fragrance, he completely forgot about every single one of them.

“I-” he hesitated. Silly enough, he was at the top of his class. In the midst of things, he felt overwhelmed —what if you expected a lot from him? “I guess I haven’t thought much about it”.

“Me neither,” you sighed, throwing your head back and against a cushion. “We have a long night ahead”.

“Wha- do you think we can get it done by tonight?” Hyunjin asked you. Of course, if the both of you worked hard and without any distractions, the final project could’ve been done in under 3 hours. Yet he had hope about another project meeting, luckily at his place.

“Maybe,” you closed your eyes and exhaled deeply.  

Hyunjin nodded silently and stared at you for a while, allowing himself to do so only because you had your eyes closed. Besides that time you were late and had to sit right next to him in freshman year, this was as close as Hyunjin had ever been to you.

He didn’t want to come off as a pervert, but it was hard not to stare at you. Of course, he wasn’t going to do it shamelessly —he respected you and the last thing he wanted was for you to think about him as a creep or feel uncomfortable hanging around him, but his own instincts betrayed him.

From the curvature of your lashes to your lips, then your neck, and a little down further, Hyunjin’s eyes fixed on your cleavage. Your clothes only revealed much, but that was perfect, it had him on edge.

“What?” Your voice caught him off guard and he quickly parted his gaze away from you.

“Huh?”

“I can feel you staring at me, Hyunjin,” you scoffed, still with your eyes closed.

“I am not,” he reassured you, shifting his position on the couch.

“Alright,” you sighed. “But I wouldn’t mind if you were”.

“I am not,” Hyunjin repeated and turned to face the small balcony next to him, pretending that the view outside the apartment was a thousand times more fulfilling than the one he had sitting next to him.

“Why do you not like me?” The question came out rather harshly, but far from intimidating him, it only made Hyunjin curious.

Up until that point, he thought it was pretty obvious —he was into you. He didn’t know you that much, but he didn’t need to; his lack of knowledge never stopped him from having wet dreams about you almost every single night.

“Why do you think that?”

You let out a soft scoff, turning to the side to face him. “You didn’t look happy when the professor paired us together”.

Well, that was true, but not for the reasons you thought.

“You seem outgoing with everyone, but you always look tense when I hang around you,” you continued rambling, feeling offended at the reminiscences of every time Hyunjin acted like a jerk around you. “Am I that annoying?”.

You were the farthest thing from annoying, but he couldn’t tell you that. Hyunjin wasn’t good at flirting or being sly around you, so being bluntly honest with you wasn’t an option unless he wanted to sound intense.

“Mh,” there was not much he could say, really. He knew it wasn’t true, but he wasn’t going to try to convince you otherwise. It was best for you to think of him as someone distant and cold rather than a complete dumbass who fantasized about you almost every single day.

“See?” you barked. “You are not denying it”.

“I don't think you are annoying,” Hyunjin murmured, trying hard not to stumble upon his words. “I guess we just don't hang around that much”.

��Mh, is that so?” You tried hard to make eye contact with him, but it was useless. It seemed as if he was avoiding any kind of interaction with you, and that amused you as much as it bothered you. “I know you are lying because you can't even say such a thing while looking at me”.

“I don't think you are annoying,” Hyunjin repeated, tilting his head at you ever so slightly. He wasn't too fond of eye contact, let alone with you.

“Ah, come on,” with a soft groan, you cupped Hyunjin’s cheeks with one of your hands and forced him to look into your direction. “I don't believe you”.

His eyes widened slightly, and the skin underneath your palm started to feel warm with each second that passed.

“What?”

You were staring at him with doe eyes and, for a split second, Hyunjin felt anger at your naiveness. Were you really that oblivious to your own charms? Or did you just enjoy feeling like a predator hunting its prey? Either scenario made him feel pathetic.

If you were that naive, then that would mean that he is nothing more but a pathetic pervert that gets turned on by everything you do. But if you weren't, and instead were fully aware of the power you held over him, that would mean that you were just toying with him.

“I don't find you annoying,” Hyunjin murmured. “If I did, I wouldn't be here”.

“Well you came 20 minutes late and can't even engage in small talk,” you continued bickering, “it seems to me that you don't want to be here”.

At that point, Hyunjin understood you were just doing that to tease him —you were pushing all his buttons trying to get any kind of reaction from him. As far as he was concerned, that was much like you; according to your friends and classmates, you were a complete tease.

Hyunjin loved that about you as much as he hated it.

“I-I don’t know what you want me to say,” he stuttered. Your skin was burning against his, and he prayed for you to not notice the rising tint in his cheeks.

You smiled, still cupping both of his cheeks as if that small gesture wasn’t weird to perform on an almost stranger —still, you could tell he was nervous. “I’m just messing with you, Hwang,” you finally scoffed, letting go of the grip you had on his face.

You didn’t think he hated you, but his behavior was, in fact, odd around you. Hyunjin wasn’t the extroverted type, but you could tell there was a difference between how he engaged with everyone and you.

You weren’t the extroverted type either unless you had to  —that night, as he was quiet as usual, you had decided to try and lighten up the mood by teasing him. Perhaps it wasn’t the best way to start a conversation, but you just didn’t know any better.

“So,” you sat down properly on your space, moving away from him as he sensed the loss of your warmth, “project ideas”.

It was impressive how much power you held over Hyunjin and how indifferent he was to you —even he couldn’t begin to comprehend such a thing.

It was such a small, playful action; you had decided to make a suggestive joke, inviting him to look at you. Then, you touched him. Even if it wasn’t anything sexual, his body reacted in such a way —his skin got covered in goosebumps, his heart skipped a beat and the unpleasant pressure between his legs didn’t take long to appear.

That made him feel embarrassed.  

He wasn’t as experienced as others, nor had much going on in his sexual life, but there was something shameful in getting turned on that easily by someone he barely knew. Even worse, by someone who wasn’t doing anything to drive him to that place.

And then you changed the subject, so casually and quickly that it made him feel pathetic. You were back to thinking about project ideas and he was still frozen in its place, imagining that your touch was still there, that your gaze was still fixed in his, and that the following events weren’t as they had been.

You had moved from moment to moment so easily, yet he was still pressing the couch cushion against his lap trying for his growing bulge to go unnoticed.

“Hwang?”

“Huh?” Hyunjin blinked a few times before facing you, tilting his head ever so slightly as he tried to bring back anything from what you had said the past 2 minutes. Nothing, he was too busy thinking about how it was a mistake to wear a pair of sweatpants that evening.

You stared at him with furrowed eyebrows, “were you listening?”

He swallowed thickly and interrupted eye contact, turning to face the paper sheets scattered on the coffee table. Your eyes immediately fell down to the striped cushion which he cautiously held against his body, his hand pressing it just enough for his grip to look both rough and gentle at the same time.

“What was it?” Hyunjin shyly asked.

He expected you to start talking again like you had been doing ever since he got there, but you remained silent. Instead, you tilted your head at him, staring shamelessly at the object he seemed to be clinging to.

If there was one thing you were good at and he wasn’t, was bearing silence.

“I was- I kind of got lost in the middle,” he rambled, trying hard to hide his obvious nervousness. “You were saying something about, uh-”.

It seemed as if the only way you could make Hyunjin Hwang talk was by being quiet. The longer you stared at him, the more he talked —or tried to, better said.

“Hyunjin,” you interrupted, offering him the sweetest yet most taunting smile he had ever seen from you.

He was doomed.

By the way your eyes were lingering on the striped cushion and the corners of your lips raised in a mischievous smile, he knew you knew.

And in that split second, where your eyes met his tense body and flustered gaze, everything started to make sense.

“We don't need to have everything done by tonight,” you murmured with a flirting tone he wasn't oblivious to.

Prior to that day, Hyunjin had always stood out to you. It wasn't just his looks or physical appearance, but there was something inviting about him that, even then, you were trying to figure out.

You had a slight crush on him, but that wasn't saying much —every woman you knew had a thing for Hyunjin Hwang. He really wasn't the dating type, nor showed any interest in casual dates, yet you knew a fair amount of girls who would date him in a heartbeat.

But because of how uninterested he was about the women surrounding him, and how awkward he always seemed to get around you, you never thought of him as something more than just a pretty man.

“We should-,” he continued, avoiding your eyes who were practically begging for him to look at you, “discuss the id-”.

“Hyunjin,” you repeated, shifting your position on the couch so your body could face him. “Stop”.

His cheeks were flushed, his bottom lip was caught between his teeth and his gaze was slowly losing its spark. His eyes were no longer bright but dark —still, the characteristic softness of them never faded away.

“Are you okay?”

The question was innocent, but Hyunjin knew it hid something mischievous. Even so, he was hoping to be able to fool you.

“I think I just- need to go to the bathroom,” he murmured shyly, spreading his legs inconspicuously as he tried to fix his issue.

You glared at the striped cushion and then at him, trying to make him understand that you just couldn't be tricked.

“Is that so?” There was a teasing tone in your voice Hyunjin could pick up on well, but he chose to ignore it —instead, he was trying hard to believe his own lie.

But it was almost impossible; from the way your gaze was practically devouring him to the way your arm grazed against his ever so slightly, he just couldn't focus on anything else.

“Y-yes”.

“Right there,” you pointed at one of the doors and smiled when Hyunjin realized what he had put himself through.

In order to get to the bathroom, he would have to stand up from the couch. And by standing up, he would have to leave the striped cushion behind —otherwise it would've looked weird if he decided to walk along your living room while holding a cushion against his crotch.

“What is it?”

Hyunjin felt cornered. And humiliated.

“Think I'll just stay here,” he struggled, looking down at the object on his lap and avoiding your touch.

He was sure that if you were to cup his cheeks one more time or grab his arm in a playful manner, he would come right then in his pants. That's how much power you had over him.

“You are flushed,” just as if you had been reading his thoughts for the past fifteen minutes, you leaned forward to touch his forehead with your palm. “And you are burning, too”.

At that point, Hyunjin felt terrible. His cock twitched inside his pants as he felt your delicate touch on him again, and he was sure that his sweatpants had now a dark, wet patch on them.

All because of you.

“You were just fine when you got here though,” you were toying with him, and he could tell. “I wonder what happened”.

Hyunjin swallowed tickly once he felt your hand on his cheek and jaw, teasing the side of his neck only to return back to its original place at his forehead.

For a split second, he thought about going for it. But what exactly was he going for? His cock was hard in his pants and the whole moment just made him look pathetic. On top of that, he didn't trust you enough. Would you laugh at him and call him a pervert? Or would you like the idea that you can get him hard that easily?

“Come on,” you murmured, grabbing the cushion as soon as he let his guard down. He was too lost into his own thoughts that he only realized you had taken it away when it was already too late.

His hands flew to his crotch, but it was all useless.

The raise of one of your eyebrows let Hyunjin know he had lost a game he didn't even know he was playing in the first place. It seemed as if, from the moment he walked through your apartment door, your only mission was for him to drop that distant facade he thoroughly tried to build around you.

And oh, how you succeeded.

He stared at you for what felt like ages, his body leaning forward as he tried to hide his bulge. The worst part was that, even after being caught, his cock didn't soften, it was all quite the opposite.

“Hm,” you finally hummed, interrupting the awkward silence between the both of you. “I thought you were feeling ill”.

Truth was, he did feel ill. His head was spinning around, he felt dizzy, his heart was racing at a thousand miles per hour and his hands were sweating like never before. At some point, he felt as if he was going to faint.

But even then, when he knew you had caught him red-handed in the middle of possibly one of the most humiliating situations a man can ever be in, you just couldn't stop staring at him.

Your eyes were fixed on the silhouette of his bulge, his sweatpants only leaving much to the imagination. His hand reached out for the striped cushion yet again, establishing a physical barrier between you and what you were dying to see.

“I guess you were right,” you murmured after an awkward silence, still with your gaze placed on that specific spot. “You don't find me annoying”.

It was a subtle, amusing joke to lighten up the mood, but Hyunjin couldn't relax. All he could think of was your eyes analyzing every part of him, from his rosy cheeks to the stained gray sweatpants.

“I should probably- just, you know, I can get the project done on my own. I will just-,” he was rambling, again. It was really a pathetic move, but what else was he supposed to do? He had never felt as embarrassed.

“Do you like me?”

Hyunjin stared at you with both eyes open like plates. There was no point in asking that question, especially not after you caught him with a boner in the middle of just a college project.

“I mean, sexually,” you added.

He thought, wasn't it obvious? His cock always got rock hard whenever you were around. Whenever he jerked himself off, all he could think about was you. Even when he didn't want to, even when he tried to think about anyone but you, you were the only one he could think of as he came.

“I- you know, I'm just-”.

“It's a yes or no question, Hyunjinnie,” you taunted him.

God, how he hated that nickname. It made him feel pathetic, which was not too far from reality.

“No”.

A blatant lie. No matter how hard Hyunjin tried to pretend he didn't feel attracted towards you, his past actions could rat him out anytime. The amount of times he had jerked off to your instagram pictures, the countless occasions he got hard just from seeing you and the embarrassing moments in which your name had slipped from his lips every time he humped his pillow were enough proof that he was into you.

“No?” you asked him, incredulous.

He shook his head. “I- think we should just- focus on the assignment”.

It took Hyunjin all the courage within him to not run away from the scene, lock himself up in his apartment and drop out of college. He did want to run away from your apartment, though, but he couldn't —his whole body was frozen and he could only do as little as move his gaze over the scattered paper sheets in front of him.

“I am just trying to help you here,” you exhaled deeply, clearly upset about facing rejection from such a man.

You weren't expecting him to give in right away —you knew him fairly well, and considering how shy he was, it was pointless to hope for a little bit of initiative. Yet the thing that bothered you the most was how you could tell he wanted to, but kept on denying it and pretending he just wasn't interested.

“And I can't help you if you don't let me”.

Hyunjin fixed his eyes on the small coffee table in front of him, yet his gaze was lost. Everything felt too surreal, like a dream or something pulled out of his wildest fantasies —it was all too good to be true.

“What makes you think I need help?” he gulped while asking that question, as if the answer wasn't obvious. Still, he wanted to know if you two were at least on the same page.

“Mh,” you scoffed, changing your position to end up kneeling on the couch right next to him. “Do I really need to say it?”

Truth is, you didn't. If you did say those words, he would feel too humiliated. It was humiliating enough for him to have you knowing his filthy secret, so Hyunjin just couldn't imagine how overwhelmed he would feel if you were to say anything about the situation.

“You know, it is actually kind of funny,” you taunted. Now that he was sitting right next to you, with his cock hard and his cheeks tinted, Hyunjin’s image was everything but funny.

“I am guessing this is the reason behind you not being able to concentrate on this project,” your hand sneaking all the way to the striped cushion as you took it from his lap —this time around, he didn't stop you. “So I think it's funny”.

He couldn't wrap his head about your choice of words. Funny?

“How come?” he felt less pathetic then. Still as embarrassed, but at least the relief of knowing you didn't think of him as a pervert gave him just the tiniest bit of comfort.

“You are hard and I am wet,” you chuckled, wrapping your hands underneath his left arm. That, combined with the words coming out of your mouth, made Hyunjin’s cock twitch inside his sweatpants. “Had I not seen that, we would have spent hours working on this while being aroused”.

Now, that was too good to be true.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” your hands cupped his face with delicacy, forcing him towards you. “Given the circumstances, we can help each other out, right?”

There was something Hyunjin needed to know first, before agreeing to do whatever it was that you were suggesting. Perhaps it was his ego, or mere curiosity, but he couldn't hold the question back.

“Why were you wet?”

The short, obvious answer was because you were aroused. But you both knew he didn't want to hear that —he was more interested in knowing what caused it.

“Why do you think so?” you scoffed softly, dragging your hand along his arm until it reached his wrist. “You are here, and we are both alone so it was impossible for me not to think about stuff”.

“What kind of stuff?”

For better or for worse, Hyunjin lost his inhibitions slowly. Had you reacted differently than you did, he was sure things wouldn't have been the way they were.

“Too many questions,” you shook your head softly, guiding his wrist between your parted legs. “Why don't you tell me what made you hard?”

He repressed a moan as soon as his digits grazed against your core —even with your underwear and shorts on, he could feel how warm you were.

“You,” he simply responded, fixing his eyes on the way your hand wrapped around his wrist.

“Do I make you hard?”

Hyunjin was just applying a small amount of pressure on you, yet you felt the need to swallow thickly. Your gaze was lost in the veins of his arms and the way his hand got lost between your legs.

“Yes,” Hyunjin sighed, lifting his eyes slightly up until they met your parted lips. 

The fabric of his sweatpants outlined the shape of his bulge fine, and it was impossible not to clench at the image. There was a wet, small patch on them, and you were fighting the urges to release his cock and lick the tip of it to taste him.

“Does it happen often?” you softly cooed, tightening the grip on his wrist as his fingers started to touch you over your clothes.  

Always, Hyunjin thought, when you’re around and when you’re not. 

“I’m just curious,” you continued after a few seconds of silence, “it would be a huge compliment if it does”. 

“Would it?” he swallowed thickly, gaze fluttering between your eyes and lips. “Why?”

“You know,” you replied, followed by a sigh, “you ask a lot of questions for someone who hasn’t given a proper response to any of mine”. 

Hyunjin couldn’t argue with you on that. 

“So,” still with his hand between your parted legs, you switched your position on the couch to be closer to him. “I asked you, does it happen often?”

“Yes,” he didn’t think it through this time and gave you the shortest, most honest answer within him. If that was what you needed to answer all of his questions, then he was going to play along. “Much more than I want to admit”.

“Mh,” you sarcastically pouted, resting your hand on top of his thigh. The sudden contact made him flinch in the slightest, but you found it adorable. “Don’t be shy with me, we’re not that different”. 

If he hadn’t been biting his lower lip, he was sure a whimper would’ve escaped his lips as you squeezed his thigh, softly caressing it while you made your way to his crotch. 

Luckily for him, he was showing much more self-control than the one he thought he had.

“We’re not?”

“Well, you too have turned me on more times than I can count now,” you murmured with boldness, “Is that weird? We don’t even talk much”. 

It isn’t, Hyunjin thought to himself as a series of perverted memories flooded his mind.

Not that he would willingly share them with you. At least not right now.

“But you’re just too pretty,” a sighed escaped your lips while your hand finally wrapped around his bulge, stroking it ever so slightly on top of his clothes, “I can’t help myself”.

Hyunjin kicked his head back, resting it against the back of the sofa. His hand was still between your legs, and your hand was gripping the silhouette of his dick over his sweatpants.

It felt like something pulled out of his wildest fantasies, but he was overthinking it a lot. You were there, admittedly wet, and he was with you, painfully hard —it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, if you will, and he was about to waste it triumphantly.

“‘m sorry,” he squeezed his eyes shut, grimacing like you were hurting him albeit the soft grip you had on him, “I can’t”. 

You missed the warmth of his digits against you almost instantly, only to be replaced by his hand wrapping around your wrist. He fully intended to push your touch away —the faster he got your hands off of him, the faster he would forget how they felt. 

But his body betrayed him, and he could only do much as squeeze your wrist while you rubbed him off.

“Want me to stop?” You asked him, not knowing if you should continue, or just let the poor man go.

His body was stiff underneath your touch, but you could feel his cock twitching against your palm. It felt deliciously good, you could only fantasize about how much better it would feel inside of you.

“I don’t- I don’t know,” he simply responded, still with his eyes shut and his head kicked back. Hyunjin wanted to engrave the feeling of your hand wrapped around him, just as much as he wished to remember the sound of your breathing and the smell of your fragrance. “Fuck, I don’t know”.

Your eyes gleamed with the pride of coming up with a plan.

“Can I help you make up your mind?”

He blinked a couple of times, his hazy gaze barely focusing on you but your pair of hands that were dangerously close to the waist of his pants. 

“You can say no, of course,” you squeezed his thigh softly, and that drew his attention back to your face, the corners of your lips rising into a flirty smile, “but I wouldn't do that if I were you”.

All he offers you in return is a sweet, desperate nod. A short one, at that —he basically tilted his head at his crotch as a way of saying go ahead, but that was all you needed to move on.

You went from sitting right by him, to kneel in the space he had created between his legs.

His eyes were following every move of yours, and refused to abandon your image at any moment —painfully enough, Hyunjin looked so fucking good from this angle of view.

The tip of your digits grazed against the elastic of his sweatpants, lowering them along with his underwear just as little as your plan required. And as soon as your hand wrapped around his erection, Hyunjin swore he was going to die. Or come. Which to Hyunjin’s concern, was exactly the same. 

“W-wait, just, shit,” he didn’t wrap his hand around your wrist this time, but the conflict in his voice made you stop right on your tracks even before you got to do anything. “Wait, I’m not- I’m not that experienced, you know?”

“So?” You queried without bothering to hide the fact that the sudden confession perked you up a little.

“I just don’t want to embarrass myself,” Hyunjin exhaled, “which I probably already did, and I'm doing”. 

So it really wasn't that he didn't like you enough, or that he didn't want this just as much as you did.

“What’s the worst thing that can happen, anyway?” your hands were still gripping the base of his cock, teasing it against your lips as you spoke. 

“That I might come too fast,” he stuttered, eyebrows furrowed with concern. “You're not even doing anything and I can feel my cock throbbing like crazy”.

The filthy choice of words made your heart skip a beat —that, paired with the raspiness and deepness of his tone, only had you wishing he wouldn't shut up at all.

“So?” You repeated again, grinning with mischief. “I don’t mind if you come quick, as long as you can get hard for me again”.

Hyunjin let out a mixture between a moan and a grunt at your words, feeling visibly affected by them.

“If you keep saying stuff like that, I will come,” he inhaled sharply and swallowed thickly at the sight of your smile. 

“Just tell me where”. 

The small confidence Hyunjin built for himself after voicing out his concerns slowly faded away as soon as your tongue grazed against the tip of his cock —for a moment, he really thought he could hold up pretty well. But the sight of you as you made eye contact with him, while your tongue dragged along the side of his dick, was enough proof that he just couldn't stand a chance against his libido.

“Fuck,” he sighed, catching his lower lip between his teeth ever so slightly, “’m sorry”. 

At that, you cocked an eyebrow. “Sorry about what?” 

The kitten licks you were giving the tip of his cock didn't make things any easier for Hyunjin —the idea of putting together a whole sentence seemed impossible, and he knew if he were to talk in the middle of it he would just look pathetic.

“I don't mean to be this loud,” his hands were something between gripping the edge of the couch, and resting over his spread thighs; he was too focused on repressing the string of curses and moans that threatened to escape his lips. 

“But I want to hear you, Hyunjin,” you purred, stroking his dick against one of your cheeks.

The sight was to die for, quite literally —your lips were glistening with spit, just like your chin and now your cheek. Both of your hands were wrapped around his dick, and you just looked too cute despite the lewd setting you were in.

“I love it when you curse,” you encouraged him, leaving wet kisses along his shaft. “You sound so good, you know?”

The compliments were definitely getting to Hyunjin's head, and you could tell because little by little, he started to leave the awkwardness aside and get really immersed in the moment.

He seemed too afraid of screwing things up, for some reason. You, on the other hand, didn't think he could screw anything up at all —Hyunjin had always turned you by doing the bare minimum, and you wondered if he was well aware of that.

You knew he wasn't, otherwise he would've carried himself with a little more ego and pride than he did. 

"But you're a good boy, aren't you?" you continued, gently spitting on his cock to use it as lube. As you jerked him off, Hyunjin's hips instinctively bucked your palm. “You don’t curse, you don’t break rules, you don’t ever get loose…” 

“I’m not that- good,” Hyunjin hissed, biting down his lower lip. “I just- fuck".

He kicked his head back when he felt a delicious squeeze of your hands around his balls, interrupting whatever it was that he meant to say.

“Do you like it when I touch you like this?” You asked, based on his reaction. 

Again, you squeezed his balls ever so slightly while the tip of your tongue swirls around the head of his cock. 

“I fucking love it”.

God, he sounded so good. So good when he cursed, when he moaned and when your name fell from his lips. Sensuality looked good on him, despite him not knowing jack shit about it. 

"I swear I've never wanted to taste someone so bad in my entire life," you giggled, letting out a hiss when you felt his hard dick throbbing between your hands, "want you to come in my mouth, I’ll swallow it".

You weren't his first —despite his awkwardness and lack of girlfriend history whatsoever, Hyunjin had a couple of experiences he could trail back to. 

But none of them came close to whatever it was that he was feeling right now.

“I’m close,” he warned you, his hands alternating between grabbing your head and your cheeks, “fuck- I’m so fucking close”.

Eagerly, you continued bopping your head up and down his length, jerking off with your hands the part that just couldn't fit in your mouth. Between your strokes and the way you squeezed and caressed his balls, you had Hyunjin coming in no time.

“Shit-” he whimpered, forcing your head down onto his cock until your nose hit his pubic bone. 

You weren't expecting him to make you deepthroat his cock, but you tried to take it like a champ nonetheless. All for him and his pleasure.

And honestly, he didn't mean to do that exactly. It was an instinct, something done in the heat of the moment, but he just couldn't deny the fact that he enjoyed maybe a bit too much the sound and feeling of you gagging around his dick.

You had never seen someone looking this hot while coming —his cheeks were flushed, his eyebrows furrowed, his teeth were chewing at his bottom lip and his whole body was shaking and grinding ever so slightly against your mouth, hips raised against the couch while he chased his high.

It was a long high —he came so much down your throat, it eventually spilled out from the corners of your lips onto the length and base of his cock. 

Messy, but neither of you could begin to care.

“God,” Hyunjin exhaled, his whole body relaxing onto the couch after all the tension he had been carrying ever since got to your apartment. 

He let go of your face and you continued jerking him off with his own cum for a couple of seconds as your movements died down. 

“Did you- did you swallow it?”

Rather than giving him a response, you just stuck out your tongue —empty, clean, with just a small amount of him still in you. He tasted just like you imagined, and that did nothing more than to turn you on. 

“I told you,” you smiled, “I wanted to taste you”.

Hyunjin looked at you for a couple of seconds, blinking perplexed. His heart was still going at a thousand miles per hour, his head was spinning around your apartment and his cock was still as rock hard, despite having come just minutes ago.

And, impulsively, he leaned down to kiss you.

You were still on your knees between his legs, but he cupped your cheeks and practically forced you onto his lips. It was sloppy, and fast, but at the same time it was far from unpleasant. The feeling of his tongue against yours, tasting himself off of you, was enough to elicit a moan from the two of you. 

From one moment to another you were no longer kneeling between his legs, but laying down on the couch with your back against a soft cushion. Hyunjin was between kneeling and sitting right on top of you, with his hands on either side of your body.

“I want to taste you too,” he panted in between kisses, leaving a wet trail of them from your lips to your jaw, “want to make you feel real good, just like you did to me”. 

You were dying to fuck him, but you weren't going to reject it. More than one night you snuck your hand between your panties wishing it was Hyunjin's face and tongue, so you trembled in excitement at knowing that one of your fantasies was about to become true.

Or a couple of them.

“Please,” yours and Hyunjin’s hands lost no time in struggling you out of your bottoms, leaving them out of your rear of view. 

Embarrassingly for you, but luckily to Hyunjin, the fabric and color of your underwear did absolutely nothing to hide your wetness —stripping you out of it was a delight to him, who could catch a glimpse of your arousal sticking to your panties.

Carefully, he positioned himself somewhat flat against the couch with his face between your legs. Your back was slightly straight against the couch's arm rest, and your knees softly bent with your feet against the faux leather of it, so he hooked one of his hands under your thigh while the other caressed the side of your body.

“You’re so pretty,” Hyunjin whispered under his breath leaving a couple of shy kisses along your inner thighs. The slight contact of his breathing against your hot cunt made your back arched. “Pretty face, pretty pussy”. 

“Do you think I’m pretty?”

His half-lidded eyes looked up to you, “I've always thought you were the prettiest”.

He started off really slow, getting to know your body. You were desperate for more, for something messy and rough, but you allowed him to take his time. Even more so because it seemed though as if he was gaining confidence as he explored you, and you loved to see it.

“So good,” he groaned against your slit, “could eat you out for hours”. 

You wouldn't mind. He just looked too good buried in the heat between your legs, and his wet tongue felt heavenly against your clit and folds. 

After some time, his fingers came into the mix as well. Two digits stretching your cunt open, cautiously, while he kept on licking and sucking your clit.

“Right there Hyunjin,” you arched your back, gasping when his digits brushed against that spot. “Fuck, you just- shit, right there feels so fucking good”.

Seeing you like that, gasping and writhing underneath him, contributed a little to his ego. 

“Is it good?”

“Fucking perfect,” you cursed, rolling your hips against him, “can’t wait to feel your cock”.

Hyunjin knew that things were eventually leading up to sex, but it didn't feel real until you named it. Until you told him you wanted to feel him inside you, until you implied that it was only a matter of minutes before he got to enact his fantasies with you.

His hips grinded against the couch, too, as he ate you out. 

Needy to feel your warmth, desperate to give you all of his cum again.

“I want you to come first like this,” Hyunjin murmured, with his fingers buried in your pussy and his nose brushing ever so slightly against your swollen clit, “with my mouth and fingers. Then, I will make you come with my cock”.

You moaned at his words.

“It’s a promise?” 

“It’s a promise”. 

You kicked your head back against the couch’s arm rest, and arched your back when you felt the tension threatening to unravel down your lower abdomen.

His tongue was moving deliciously where you needed it, and his fingers never lost its pace and rhythm inside you.

“Hyunjin,” you chanted, latching your fingers onto his dark hair, “don’t stop”. 

Not that he was planning to.

“Are you going to come?” 

“Yes,” you nod frantically, moving your hips as much as his grip allowed you to. “So close Hyunjin, I’m so close”. 

Heavenly. 

His name falling from your lips felt right, just like it did your mouth around his cock and his tongue flat against your clit. You felt right, much more better than whatever he had been imagining the past years while masturbating on his own.

“Like that,” Hyunjin hissed, watching in awe the way your pussy and ass clenched at your orgasm. But as much as he wanted to enjoy the view, he also wanted to feel you getting wetter and wetter as you came, so he quickly returned to latch his mouth on your pussy and his eyes on you. 

“Shit!” your hips were bucking against his face frantically, almost aggressively. But he didn't stop, and elongated your high as much as he possibly could, “Can’t stop- fuck, can’t stop coming”. 

It felt like a never ending orgasm, one prompted by Hyunjin's lustful gaze —the more eye contact you made, the more aroused you felt.

“More, more Hyunjin,” you sounded desperate, and that made his dickthrob against the couch. He wanted to make you come again, and again, and until you no could no longer take it.

But he would be lying if he said he wasn't impatient for fucking you. 

“I’ll give you more,” he murmured, withdrawing from your body when you finally came down from your high. “But just- want to give it to you with my cock”. 

Whenever you thought about sex with Hyunjin, you always pictured yourself being on top. Maybe it was because of his shyness, or because you felt like you needed to take the initiative, but you almost always came at the thought of you bouncing up and down his dick.

Much to your surprise, he didn't lose time before positioning his body between your spread legs, not before removing his shirt and doing the same with yours as well.

He was going to fuck you in missionary, you figured. And you almost came at the realization of it.

Most men these days all they want is to get their dicks wet with minimal to no effort —Hyunjin was trying hard to please you, and that was alone much more satisfactory than any other experienced you had so far.

“I want to see your face when I'm fucking you," it was almost like he read your thoughts. Not that you had any complains, but quick fucks never cared for the intimacy sex entailed.

Hyunjin was different.

“Definitely not my best look,” you swallowed, thinking about your ruined make up and post-orgasm fucked out face. 

“I could come just by looking at you,” he confessed, eyes falling to your spread legs. “I swear”. 

You wrapped your arms around his neck, and pumped his dick a few times before realizing that he was missing something.

“You uh-” he felt embarrassed, but he honestly didn’t think he would get to fuck you, out of all the people. He came to your apartment to work on a school project, not to get laid. “I don’t have a condom”. 

“Want to do it raw?”

He gulped.

Of course he wanted to. Using a condom was never part of his fantasies —shit, almost all his fantasies ended up with him filling you up, despite how risky that was. 

“I honestly want to, but I’d understand if you-”.

“Are you-”

“I’m on the pill,” you reassured him, “and I’m clean. I want you to fuck me raw if that’s what you want too”. 

“I do,” Hyunjin sighed, licking his lips at the thought of getting to really feel you. “Fuck, I do”. 

And despite the logical, rational part of him that insisted it probably wasn't the brightest idea ever, Hyunjin guided the tip of his cock against your clit. The sudden stimulation made your body jolt, but he didn't stay there for too long. 

His cock slid easily right inside, and the way your walls clenched around him as they got used to his size almost makes Hyunjin come.

“Finally,” you exhaled, closing your eyes while he bottomed out slowly.

Hyunjin groaned quietly, softly pressing your hips against his. 

“You’re so tight,” he gritted his teeth, “squeezing me just right”.

He hovered you, leaning down to kiss you yet again. He wasn't moving, just fully enjoying the way you felt wrapped around him.

He didn't know if he was going to have another chance to experience this, so he intended to memorize everything —from the way your tongue tasted, to the way your pussy clenched on him.

Only this time, the kiss wasn't as sloppy; it was intense, deep and it left you breathless. He kissed you ardently, brushing his tongue against yours, biting down your lower lip and pulling it ever so slightly.

“I’m going to-” he sighed in between kisses, “are you- alright?”

“Yes,” you wrapped your arms around his neck, and your legs around his hips, “fuck me already, Hyunjin”.

Slowly but surely, he started acquiring a pace of his own. And fuck, it felt delicious.

His pubic bone slammed against your clit, providing some stimulation; his cock reached the deepest spots inside you, and his mouth worked wonders on your neck and chest. 

It was unfair how perfect he was —so good at everything.

“Harder,” your hands reached out to cup his face, pressing your forehead against his. “Fuck me harder, please”.

He understood what you wanted.

Hyunjin didn't necessarily fucked you faster after you plea, no. He smacked his hips against yours roughly, going impossibly deeper into you. His pace was slow, but each thrust made you moan and gasp every time.

“There you go,” he murmured in a quiet, drowned groan.

You hid your face on the crook of his neck, sucking on his flesh meaning to leave red and purple blossoms all over it. For some reason, the idea of seeing him the next day at college campus and peeking to see the marks you left on him kind of excited you.

It was also going to remind you that this was real, and that it happened.

“Right there, Hyunjin,” you enjoyed the feeling of him ruthlessly pounding into you. He was sweet, gentle, and caring, but his movements weren't. He appeared to be someone innocent, but he wasn’t —at least not when he was fucking you good like he this.

“Feeling good?”

“Perfect,” you replied, “you’re so- hard inside me, you feel perfect”. 

The harshness of his thrusts suddenly died down as he regained his pace; they become hotter, more sensual. 

His eyes went from looking at you, to closing shut at times. He licked his lower lip constantly, alternating between chewing on it softly, too. 

When Hyunjin wasn't too focused on his overwhelming pleasure, he was focused on your body.

How it reacted, how sensitive it was, what things you liked. He kissed your chest and sucked on your hardened nipples, and he soon understood you loved it —at least judged by the way you clenched around his dick. 

He also realized he liked the feeling of your fingers latched onto his hair —he enjoyed when you pulled it a bit too roughly, and he didn't mind the pain of it.

“Can you come with me?” Hyunjin asked in between grunts. “I’m close- but I want you to come with me, come at the same time”. 

“I’m close too,” you sneaked a hand between your bodies, rubbing your clit lazily. “Want to come with you, and feel you coming inside me”. 

It suddenly became much more intimate than you initially intended to —his eyes were glued to yours, saying way more than his words could ever do. You could see the lust, affection, and even perversion in his gaze; the longing of always staring from afar, but now getting to have you underneath him with your legs spread and your pussy around him.

It didn't take you any long to reach that sweet release you both had been chasing ever since he stepped a foot into your apartment.

“I’m coming,” you gasped, digging your nails onto the flesh of his shoulders and back, “come”. 

Hyunjin pressed his forehead against yours, and when he felt your walls clenching, he immediately released too. 

He didn’t want to think about his cum filling you up, nor the image of his arousal oozing out of your pretty pusy. He didn’t want to think too much about what you just let him do, and he didn’t want to think about the risk of it although it kind of turned him on.

A loud moan escaped his lips when he thrusted his cock harder into you, reaching yet another deep spot inside your walls. With each slam of his hips, he shot his orgasm painting you white from the inside. 

A warm, eerie feeling you hadn't experience before, because you just refused to fuck anyone raw.

But Hyunjin isn't just anyone.

“God,” he gulped loudly, panting and out of breath. 

You could feel his cum dripping out of you, despite his dick still filling you up, and you just couldn't believe how much he came twice in a row.

“Was it good?” your voice sounded exactly the same, hoarse and strained. You could barely breathe, but you didn’t care  —he collapsed on top of you carefully, without wanting to hurt you, and you both tried to stabilize your breathing together.

“Better than my imagination, that’s for sure”. 

You kissed his cheek and enjoyed the intimacy, wondering if the shy, awkward Hyunjin was going to make an appearance any time soon. In very little time you got to see a whole new side of him, just as shy but a lot less shallow than what you “knew” about him prior to that day, and you were still not ready to find out how things were going to be after this.

“I should probably- get something to clean you up,” you only realized how messy a creampie is when Hyunjin pulled out, making his cum to drip out of you and onto the couch. 

But you came up with a better plan.

“What if we take a shower?”

He looked at you, but soon diverted his gaze to the pile of unfinished work you had. 

“Come on, don’t get shy on me,” you pouted, sitting carefully on the couch right next to him. “I’m not getting shy it’s just-”, he makes a long pause and smiles to himself. A very faint, almost imperceptible grimace, but you caught on it, “I don’t think I can be naked around you without ending up fucking you again”. 

“Sounds like a win to me”.

“I expected much more from the two of you,” Mr. Jung handed you the final essay you allegedly worked so hard on. Judged by the stern tone of his voice, and the deep exhalation your project partner let out, you can only assume it was a bad grade. “Not the greatest work you’ve had delivered”. 

Your gaze fell down in embarrassment, and Hyunjin cleared his throat, “we’re sorry. With the end of the semester we kind of- got distracted”. 

And if by distracted you mean fucking like animals at every chance you were alone, whether in a private or a public setting, then yes.You got so fucking distracted.

[harmonysanreads]

Trivia - Jeux de Vagues

I suppose this is the somewhat ‘lore’ of the aforementioned fic. I recommend reading the fic first before diving into this as this contains spoilers :> I normally wouldn't do this but per the vote of @verridaiya I was encouraged to regardless. Something to note would be that even though this is what I had in mind while writing, readers' personal interpretations are equally valid!

“Jeux de Vagues”

I mentioned this in a reblog already but the title comes from the second movement of the symphony “La Mer” by Claude Debussy, a French composer. It literally translates to ‘Play of the waves', quite fitting for a leisurely tea-party with Neuvillette, no? I also highly recommend listening to the piece in general, it might take some patience but if you love daydreaming about watching the sea waves away from your struggles as well, this is the music for you!

“6 to 12 O'clock”

Before I tell you why I'm showing this particular line, I want you guys to take a guess on what I meant by the 'noon to evening and midnight to dawn' part :>

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One of the rules of afternoon tea etiquette is that when you stir the tea, the appropriate motion to do is a 6 to 12 O'clock (so towards yourself and away from yourself) instead of going in circles. I thought just outright saying it wouldn't be fun so I instead used the four time indicators of 6 and 12 ! But of course, this could also symbolize the duration of Reader “scheming” since the beginning of the marriage.

“Fin de siècle”

Fin de siècle is a French term meaning “end of century,” a phrase which typically encompasses both the meaning of the similar English idiom “turn of the century” and also makes reference to the closing of one era and onset of another. [Taken from Wikipedia]

I kept on thinking about how to incorporate the ‘Isolation’ theme for Yandere!Neuvillette while also respecting his ideal of fairness. In one of his voice lines, he encourages to speak-up against grave injustice. With that in mind, this idea of “Keeping Reader isolated but giving them a chance to gain freedom by debating against Neuvillette once every century” was born. If Reader can successfully prove that Neuvillette is a terrible husband or their marriage is unjust, they can leave. But obviously, that's just false hope.

“Mon trésor”

Mon trésor is a gender-neutral French term of endearment which means “My treasure” in English. Huge thank you to @cerulean-castle and @iceunhie (please excuse me if I wasn't supposed to tag you two ;—;) for responding to my cry of help for this one as I was puzzled about French terms of endearment for a while. @/iceunhie gave me the link to a post of gender-neutral French terms of endearment which I found really helpful <3

As for why I chose Mon trésor as what Neuvillette calls Reader, it was due to the specific connotations between dragons and their treasures. Or in Neuvillette's case, Reader is his treasure. Hence, after sufficiently provoked, he doesn't flinch from referring to them as ‘abandoned property’.

“The words unspoken are the flower.”

Directly quoted from Neuvillette's [About : Wriothesley] voice line. According to him, it's an Inazuman proverb which means “Some words are better left unsaid.” which is Neuvillette's answer to his subconscious question of why he goes to such lengths for Reader.

Now, you can interpret this in a variety of ways and I'll say some of the “possible” ones. Perhaps he refuses to verbalize the causes because doing so would force him to face the hypocrisy and irrationality behind his actions. Perhaps he truly doesn't know, as there are many things he's on the path to understanding. Etcetera.

I might add onto this post if anyone has more questions from the fic itself. Writing Jeux de Vagues was quite difficult because I had a deadline of sorts but I was determined to finish it. Although there might be room for further improvement, I'm still happy that I pulled it of :') I hope that at least, my love for Neuvillette's character can be felt through the fic <3

[savedpeople]

//So uh... a post.

As much as I hate to say it and make it official, this blog's hiatus is going to be indefinite.

I love Negan to death and I miss writing him so much, but truth is I'm having a hard time finding the motivation or muse to be here. While some lovely people are still here, so many who helped make this blog what it is and who I built my most cherished memories with here are gone, and my more recent attempts to find new blogs to follow or interact with haven't gone well, so looking at this account, more often than not, just leaves me feeling sad and frustrated and longing for earlier times. And as much as I love TWD, the fandom just isn't appealing to interact with much anymore, and hasn't been for a while.

This blog isn't being archived or deactivated. The queue is still ongoing, and has enough in it to last nearly two years, so the images and gifs will continue posting for quite some time. I still have things in my likes that I plan to reblog. Any memes or threads I had, are still in my drafts (though I may delete some threads, I don't know, they are years old anyway.)

When or if the inspiration strikes, I will absolutely pop in to write or even just talk about Negan or send some memes. But activity from here on out will be extremely low, indefinitely. This has been eating away at me for a while, the idea of losing this muse or RP has a hobby (I've been having a really hard time with all creative hobbies for a long time now) has had me grieving in a weird way, so I'm just finally biting the bullet here.

I'm still very active on tumblr elsewhere and still have notifications/emails on, so if you send an ask or message me or anything, I'll see it and reply when I can. I do have two other RP blogs, one that's low activity like this one and another still under construction while I debate if I want to go through with it or not, but they're both anime muses so I'm not sure if I'll ever link to them here. From what I've seen, most people in this fandom don't interact with animated muses so I'll save myself the embarrassment lol.

That all said: thank you everyone who has stuck around and continues to enjoy and interact with this blog in any way, even if it's just to like or reblog pics of Negan and JDM. I hope you're all doing well. I'll be around when I'm around. <3

[voids-ideas]

Hi

Welcome to my main blog which I like to define as chaos

After the "read more" you'll find quite a lot of information, my other blogs, fandoms I write about and/or reblog content from, and a bit more, but before that I want to make one thing clear

I like to debate a lot, and from time to time I might get into a discussion about a social issue, I like this topic a lot, I'm quite interested in learning to see things from different perspectives, I feel that helps me in my mission called "creating a society in my head where nobody suffers".

That's why I possibly read quite questionable comments, and I'm able to put up with almost anything, there's only one rule: You're not going to attack/insult anyone. Especially someone else. If I see something like that in any post of mine, I'm going to block you. That's possibly the only condition under which I plan to directly block someone (that and bots).

As a bonus, if you see anything on this blog or any of my other blogs that makes you feel uncomfortable, please let me know. Send me a message, ask, whatever

Now for the fun part

Tumblr is my dopamine

I love any interaction that happens on any of my accounts, reblogs, messages, likes, asks, if you do any of those things I probably screamed with excitement when I saw it

In the case of asks and messages, there is the possibility that I am slow to respond, I tend to panic in social interactions

Blogs

If you don't know anything about aftg I really ask you to find out about the trigger warning first, but this is my aftg blog: @neiljostenmakesmyday

Good omens obsession here, good omens obsession there: @im-the-j-in-anthony-j-crowley

Helluva boss and Hazbin hotel over here: @mrfancytalkcreepyvoice

Blog where I sometimes share things about disability: @all-the-things-i

And this is my main blog. I define it as: Chaos

Fandoms

Things you may (or may not) see on this blog:

Good omens

Our flag means death

Interview with the vampire

Percy Jackson

Grishaverse

House MD

She-ra and the princesses of power

All for the game

The hunger games

Willow

Heartstopper

Heartbreaking High

Hannibal

Prodigal son

Hazbin Hotel

Helluva Boss

Marvel

Star wars

Nimona

The magnus archives

Tags

I don't remember all the tags I've used, but I remember some of them (I'll add the link to them as soon as I get my pc and remember to do it):

Jay attempts to draw possibly there are drawings here, warning: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRAW

Jay watches shows and pretends they have something relevant to say about them This is me screaming, crying and demonstrating that I know nothing about how to analyse a show/movie when I watch it, but I still say something that makes sense from time to time

Jay and... Jay what are you doing? You figure out what I was doing here, because I definitely didn't know.

Jay cries about some misfortune that happened to them in minecraft self-explanatory

Jay listens to podcasts and demonstrates zero comprehension of what they hears At the time of doing this, it has only one meaning: The magnus archives

Yes, this last part is just because I wanted to put all the colors of the lgbt flag. I don't have another section, I tricked you

...

Lie, this is... a little about me:

I like cats. That's all.

...

Well, no. I'm in my 20s, recently diagnosed with adhd and autism (before that I had self diagnosis), I am in evaluation for chronic pain and other things, I identify as greysexual, greyromantic, agender (sometimes non-binary), bi, among other things.

I have trouble explaining things, and I define myself as a joke, in the way that my life is full of comical situations in which I am at the centre

[helenarlett-rex]

Reintroduction

So I took sort of an extended break from all social media for a while after RL was getting to be too stressful for me. I was still checking in here and there periodically but for the most part I wasn't here or anywhere else. It was for my own health. And coming back now feels like,

With all the crap that's been happening here on tumblr it's kind of sad but understandable to come back and see so many of the people I knew and interacted with regularly are no longer here. And I'm going to miss them a lot. I don't think anyone who had been with me from the beginning is still here. But that isn't to say I don't still see a handful of my mutuals still here and it's great to see you all. Hi everyone! Thanks for still existing!

But that said, I feel like maybe it's time to start over and rebuild. And I don't mean start over as in somewhere else... More like, reintroduce myself as I go about rebuilding my online presence. So let's start with that. A reintroduction.

My name is Helen Arlet. (Although my full title is, Her Grace The Reverend Dr. Helen Arlet, Duke of Merania, PhD. Yes... It's all legal... I have a title of nobility, a doctorate in metaphysics, and an ordination.) I'm an AMAB Demigirl so my pronouns are she/they. I'm a Gray Asexual. I'm also a self-published author of adult literature most popular within the Furry and Vore communities. You can find some of my books for sale on Amazon but my free content (which actually makes up the bulk of my work at this point) can be found on my eka's account, here...

I'm a furry myself, with my primary fursona being that of a T-Rex, although I do have sort of a "secret sona" that may come to light at some point... Because I often stay very in character when I post I have been mistaken as otherkin before, but so as not to give that community a bad name, I would like to point out that I am not... as far as I know... I am however quite friendly with the otherkin community and love chatting or hanging out with them when I can.

I'm also an old-school punk with very left leaning ideals. I'm... not young... I mean, come on, I'm literally a dinosaur... T-Rex... Rawr! But I'm stuck in that weird area where my status as a gray muzzle in the Furry community is debatable. I have been on tumblr since the beginning though and they still haven't managed to get rid of me. But I am old enough to have actually been a punk in the 80s. A very young one at the time, but I was... and still am...

I had been a librarian for the last decade, but recently lost that job about a year and a half ago when my old boss retired and was replaced by a narcissistic sociopath. And I don't use those terms lightly. I do mean that in the clinical sense... She fired me along with anyone else who was perceived to be a threat to her position, had been there longer than her, knew more than her, was queer, was disabled, or she believed had insulted her in some way. I now work at a used video game store. I won't name it, but it's the second biggest chain of used video game stores behind Game Stop.

And in most recent developments, I now own a partial fursuit, (of my secret sona) and I have finally managed to become a total affront to the church by achieving the status of Ordained Minister, making me one of the very few in my state who will actually perform LGBT+ weddings. Suck it.

Things I will post on this account:

Furry stuff

Vore related content

Dinosaurs

Sharks

LGBT+ stuff

Random reblogs of stuff I find funny or politically important

Posts related to my writing, including links to stories themselves

Answers to any questions I get asked

So please feel free to talk to me if you want. I'm always happy to talk. (Or silently stalk my account and just reblog things you like without ever saying anything to me. You could to that too...) Or even tag me in stuff you want me to see and I'll probably reblog it.

[primamchorus]

Henlo, I figured I should make an introduction post of one kind or another. :O

I'm here for brainrot hours when it pertains to FFXIV and my OCs for the most part. I'll post art, I'll post gposes and glamours, screenshots, my housing builds, and certainly I'll be posting my OCs.

I go by she / he / they pronouns as I'm genderfluid, and I identify as panromantic / demisexual... though honestly, I have been wondering if I'm simply demi in both departments. I'm half Filipino, half Irish living in America. I'm a childhood cancer survivor, I had leukemia Type ALL, and I'll always be open to answering questions about my experience for those who are curious for whatever reasons they may have.

Despite what my blog description might say, I'll only scream a little if you touch / interact with me. Though I'm doing my best to be more part of the community and make friends. Just know that if you get an ask / like / reblog / reply from @paintedscales, I'm just doing my best. TT u TT

I also help admin the @starlightinitiative alongside my partner and our wonderful mods! Our goal there is to spread cheer and merriment for the season of Starlight Celebration, handing out gifts that can be crafted, gathered, or farmed up! Hopefully we'll our efforts flourish, and we'll extend what we gift out to people into art, writing, and a myriad of other creative things!

Commissions ->

I only do emotes for Twitch and Discord. I also do custom stickers for Discord as well. Anything bigger, and you might end up with me trying to wrestle my ADHD into the dirt just to start or even finish.

$10 per emote || $20 per sticker

I accept only PayPal.

Contact me through Messages here on Tumblr, or if you have me on Discord, shoot me a DM. I don't share my Discord outside of servers I'm already in.

Tags of potential interest ->

My Art || My Writing || Housing || My Screenshots || My Gifs

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Primam Chorus -> Main

Carrd Link // Tumblr Introduction Link

Crystal -> Mateus

Raiding? :: Yes

WoL? :: Yes, but not in the way you might think. Also debatable.

Omni-levelled 90 :: DoW // DoM // DoL // DoH

Nomin tal Kheeriin -> Secondary

Carrd Link

Brain Rot Tumblr Link

Crystal -> Coeurl

Raiding :: Not yet

WoL? :: Yes

Omni-levelling :: DoW // DoM // DoL // DoH

Tandem Chorus

Carrd Link // Tumblr Introduction Link

Crystal -> Mateus

Raiding? :: No

WoL? :: Yes, but not in the way you might think. Also debatable.

Omni-levelling :: DoW // DoM // DoL // DoH

Jaydin Byrd

Carrd Link

Tumblr Blog Link

Crystal -> Mateus

Raiding? :: No

WoL? :: No

NIN // BRD // AST // DoL // DoH

Manaka Shimizu

Carrd Link

Tumblr Blog Link

Crystal -> Mateus

Raiding? :: No

WoL? :: No

SMN // RDM // BLM // WHM // RPR // BTN // CRP // ALC // CUL

Lyjr Artjorm

Carrd Link

Crystal -> Mateus

Raiding? :: No

WoL? :: No

PLD // GNB // BTN // CRP

C'vurihn Tia

Carrd Link

Crystal -> Mateus

Raiding? :: No

WoL? :: No

BLM // RDM // CUL

Amaya Bikol

No Carrd

Crystal -> Coeurl

Raiding? :: No

WoL? :: Yes

ARC // LNC // GLA // MIN // FSH // ARM // LTW // WVR // GSM // ALC // CUL

[aelaer]

Pinned Intro Post!

I've been thinking about doing this for ages, and it came to mind again and I'm finally doing it. Hopefully this is helpful (especially since links in the summary don't work always on the mobile app).

Links I'd Like To Share With Others: #my-artwork tag | #my-writing tag | the prompt/bingo fills master post | MCU meta/headcanon master post | my AO3 page

How Often Do I Post: 1-4 times a day usually. This only increases when my blorbo (Stephen Strange) has a big media time period. That said, I never try to go over 8 a day. 95% of my posts are queued/scheduled.

What Type Of Things Do I Post: A not-insignificant amount of my posts are going to be featuring my blorbo. Other posts are going to be about the MCU, fanfic/writing tips/culture, fandom culture, LOTR, or something I find funny. A few other posts are going to be what I consider interesting and informational and crossing all sorts of topics, usually tagged #the more you know. On rare occasion I'll post about current politics, news, or disasters, which are tagged as #current events. Finally, if it's something about me or new personal news, it's, well, #about me and #personal. Haha. These are all listed so if you're following me for a specific topic, you can block tags and posts a bit more easily. I tag everything.

I Want To Follow You But Avoid All Your Discourse Posts And Just See The Fun Stuff: Block #current events, #discourse, #fandom wank, and #fandom discourse as I'll put opinions and news about wanky stuff there, and current events cover events that are, well, in the news.

If you want to avoid educational posts that may cover harder things in RL, like finding healthcare resources, tax issues, environmental issues and education, and anything that may touch on parts of the real world that isn't all fluffy, consider also blocking #the more you know as I can't guarantee that it's all positive.

#mental health and #personal are other tags to consider if you're sensitive to the topic. I am interested in the research and promotion of the topic - and I may cover my own harder times under this from time to time.

Do I Accept Fic Prompts: Yes, but you should be aware of what I currently write and the genres I write (i.e. my extreme lack of romance writing. Gen content FTW). The prompt shouldn't be longer than a few sentences too, as I don't go beyond a one-shot with fills and too much detail doesn't allow my own spin on the prompt. You should also be aware that it may take *years* for me to get to yours as I'm still working on the 2019/2020 batch, so if you fandom-hop frequently, you may want to find a faster writer for your prompt. :P (If you think of a prompt to help fill my terribly neglected Bad Things Happen bingo card, it may come a bit sooner? Maybe?)

Other Stuff About Me: I'm she/her though I've played enough online games in the 2000s to be immune to being called "he" so you won't offend me if you forget. I've been writing online for 20 years. I'm opinionated; I try not to be an ass about it, but this is my space so I'm not gonna hide my opinions, either. I think being open to constructive critique is the best thing any artist or writer can do for themselves, even if it's just a hobby for them, and I often reblog posts with the purpose of improving in one of those crafts. I'm pro-critique of any media, anti-hating on fans for differing opinions. I loathe absolute statements, especially with a negative connotation, in the fandom space. I love the willingness to deconstruct and debate in the fandom space. This is probably enough, eh?

[saunne]

WIP - It's Vampire Time (1)

I saw many things about vampires lately on my dash thanks to @hikarinokusari, got Youtube recommendations about writing immortality, there was a vampire-themed conference at the Utopiales, I found some nice books about immortality while browsing my library catalogue...

Well, It's Vampire Time ? I guess ??? I admit that vampires themselves weren't really my thing. I like things related to Fair Folk, Gods (and the god/man limit), immortality/unkillability and things like that. Interest for vampires is relatively fresh and new. If you have any recommendations for related content, please don't hesitate.

Since this post is going to be a dump/draft thing to store the ideas I have, I'll put everything under the cut cause I think it'll become quite long. And I'll probably reblog it with new addition too, so...

In terms of genre, I think urban fantasy ? I have vague ideas of a society where vampirism is a known fact, more or less recognized, more or less accepted. There would be less of the "supernatural creeps at the edges of society, underground and nightlife and secret only" vibes and more "this is a special minority, with special needs, who faces special challenges...for mingle with the rest of the population, but they are there and everyone knows it.”

Social novel with supernatural flavor !

Worldbuilding

French setting, or at best European. Relate vampire myths around the cross with a setting extremely marked by Christianity (Find back this sentence about vampires and that the "fear" of the cross was more the fear of divine disappointment due to having become "monsters " and the sadness of no longer being able to turn to God).

Lots of fun worldbuilding. In terms of crimes and misdemeanors, vampirism can be an aggravating cause. There will be laws that specifically target vampires, but also laws made to protect vampires. There have surely been debates like the Valladolid Controversy to rule on the "status" of vampires in relation to humans.

A possible and interesting aside on everything related to blood donation, surely becoming something that we can be paid to do given the explosion in demand (between injuries and feeding) ? Or pharmaceutical advances that allowed synthetic blood/blood-replacing food supplements for vampires?

A big worldbuilding for everything related to medical, if we start with immortal/quasi-inkillable vampire and the race for human immortality (transhumanism). This can lead to some really ugly stories of experimentation and good old capitalism getting involved : is it possible to buy immortality ?

The fact that one can become a vampire/be turned into a vampire is a point to explore: How ? For what ? What are the chances of success ? Failure ? How is this regulated depending on the country and within the vampire community itself ? What are the hierarchical links between vampires ? Could be interesting to see internal racism, between "real" vampires, turned vampires, dhampirs, which come with a host of insults and stereotypes. There would also obviously be “allies” and “antis”, as with any community/minority.

How would the image of vampires in the pop culture of this altered world have changed by the fact that there are real vampires ?

How would the vampires be organized as a "whole" ? Subject to the authority of their country for sure, but do they also exist as a global political/legal entity ? Idea of intro-country covens, or even continental networks of covens ? International conferences ?

Characters

I already have 3-4 shadows/ersatz of characters, probably more to come.

An “Ancient” / “True” / “Original” / "Old As Dirt" vampire. Very good for my favorite exploration of the themes of immortality and the human/inhuman difference. What is it to be human when you've never been one ? Seeking to understand human emotions perhaps ? Seek to experience more than feel, to live rather than survive ?

A dhampir, feet in both worlds without belonging to either. Exploration of the difference in culture, the difference in needs, the loneliness of being different in an even more “other” way.

A human turned vampire. For what ? How ? Accidental, intentional, criminal or well-intentioned? The possibilities are endless. Surely the protagonist. Discovery of the vampire community, its codes and its specificities through the eyes of a newcomer who must adapt to his new existence? Between benevolent humans, malevolent humans, benevolent vampires, malevolent vampires, there is plenty to do. Reflection on humanity/inhumanity, what is it to be human, can we stop being human, where is the limit ? Self-discovery and exploration ?

Other Thoughts

We often associate the vampire with a very erotic figure, so I will surely (without a doubt, let's not lie) explore themes around sexuality, asexuality, aromantism, transidentity. Either in representation in the characters or in metaphor (in particular the transformation from human to vampire could be seen as a form of "gender transition"). I'll probably make it queer as fuck, to no one's astonishment.

Find back the vampire bite necklaces that went through my dash recently. It was pretty, could make a great worldbuilding piece.

An entire coding of politeness and mannerisms and meaning around the act of biting, the consumption of blood for food and/or for pleasure. Do vampires discuss blood types the way rich people discuss what makes good wine ?

Avoid shiny vampires a la Twillight, but think about which tropes related to vampirism to integrate and not to integrate and why. Also, find a logical and plausible explanation for the continued existence of vampires throughout the ages, why they are not ruling the world or being hunted to extinction, why the population is stable or not.

[aethernightmare]

Is Tumblr the best social media platform? Not in the slightest. But as Twitter (X) turns into a trash fire of spam, bots, and increasingly bizarre hysterics from seemingly everyone, there's something comforting in returning to familiar territory where you have more control.

To be able to once again have an uncapped limit for the amount of words I'm allowed to use to get my point across. To be able to organize my posts with functional tags, not just for discovery, but for personal organization as well. To be able to post a multitude of images, videos, links, or gifs without the website shredding the quality, or virtually screaming at me for not making them enough money. Of the site not scrambling the order and viability of my posts based on what an algorithm perceives is the "correct order for maximum discovery" (r.i.p. context and narrative cohesion practically everywhere else). To edit anything I post, whenever it is necessary.

Likewise, even if people don't care for this particular website (tough cookies, because I'm not paying a monthly fee to occasionally post nonsense), it's something all people, regardless of having their own domain, are capable of interacting with to either view posts or ask questions. Since apparently my Twitter (X) handle has been locked to only those who have an existing account with the platform.

And, as odd as this sounds for someone with noticeable dyslexia like myself, I actually prefer writing to talking. There's just something calming about being able to take my time with a response, rather than be forced to get an exact sentence structure and flow all in one go. To have the ability to (attempt to) proof-read my thoughts before hitting 'send'. It's a dying aspect of old social media that I've missed greatly. And something I often struggle with during streams, as it can be hard for me to get my points across verbally at times. I have...a very different mindset and focus when allowed to communicate silently.

As a bonus, I'm also no longer tied to Tumblr's main system for discoverability, as reblogs can now be turned off entirely (and will remain that way)! Meaning a blog can just be a blog, and not a hot mess of a debate floor with bored, ill-intended people. Because sometimes the best spaces are the quietest spaces.

For now, I'll probably just stick to project thoughts and updates, with the occasional dash of IRL. Maybe since I plan on streaming/recording less games in the future due to burnout and time constraints, I'll put some of my thoughts about what kinds of games or media I finish here? I'm not really sure. Like everything else I do online, it could end up going totally nowhere. Which in 2024...is probably for the best.

But it's still nice to get my thoughts out on occasion, as well as have an outlet to slingshot ideas around like one of those rubber sticky hands, and see what kind ultimately ends up sticking to the ceiling. Which is to say, next to nobody will ever read this and I couldn't be happier about it.

[memoriesofthecircularroom]

A Farewell For Now

Hello All! I've been working on this final post for a little bit, and well. I think I'm ready today. It's why I cleared out my inbox so much, and why I have been so distant (which was a really good, healthy experience for me actually).

But I'm not ready to leave syscourse fully. I still have a lot to say about it. So, here it is - my big, final post.

For those not interested in my big long post, but wondering what's next for me, I'll be making a short post soon mentioning everything. I just want to get this out of the way.

This post started as a retelling of my experiences leaving radically inclusive pro-endogenic spaces. However, as I was writing it, it became more just… a trip down memory lane (lol, puns). It’s opened my eyes a lot to who I used to be, who I recently was, and who I want to be soon. 

While this is tagged as syscourse, I would appreciate it if you left debates off this post. You’re welcome to reblog and interact, but I want to remind everyone that this is my personal experience. Any general statements about behavior are directed at people I had interaction with. 

TW ahead for... yikes. Everything? Yeah. Just a generalized TW here for all of the content on my blog for the past 5 years.

I think it’s most important to start with context here. I joined the DID/OSDD Tumblr community around 2017. I was 19 years old, and WOEFULLY undereducated. I had a DSM-iii from the school library (the one that still had MPD as a diagnosis) and the internet at my disposal, along with overprotective parents that regularly spied on me and who I am certain checked my browsing history. At the time, Rice was a host of the system. She came out of hiding, stuck around for longer… but genuinely, I don’t think it was super healthy for her. 

Link to Post

This was her first ever post on our DID blog. Mind you, we were not influenced by any other sources yet. This was from our own understanding. Rice didn’t switch out of the front anymore consciously, and the others rarely fronted. This, to her, based on our ignorant research, meant everyone was integrated (which she used to mean the word “fused” - and both words were inaccurate for what we were actually experiencing) and that she somehow didn’t have DID anymore because of it. 

SO… we entered the DID community with a LOT of stupid preconceptions. That’s the point of that screenshot. 

I started out by just reblogging pictures, memes, etc. Just barely starting to dip my toes into the DID/OSDD community. I gave advice when it was applicable to my own life, but given that I was so misinformed on other topics, people were… understandably wary. 

Around this time, I also created a sideblog of mine, probablydidrpgideas. I was just trying to find fun in a life that was quickly spiraling out of my control - I was terrified of having a mental disorder, likely because of internalized ableism. It just sounded so horrible. So I tried to make light of it, and tried to enjoy myself. I don’t regret that part, but then I tried my hand at “spreading information.” Yeah. THAT went great. I’d include a post here, but it was deleted after a system came after me for it. 

The first time I consciously started stepping into syscourse, the first time I participated was… well. 

Here. Link.

I was in denial. I didn’t realize that what I had been through (what little I remember of it) even counted. I knew high school was hard for me, but that was AFTER the cut off age. So this was me, trying to question, genuinely, when that “cut off” was. They responded genuinely and with good information, and kindly too. And my response was…

Link

Up until this point, I had only seen hate. I had seen endos - who claimed to be similar to me - who were being harassed. I saw systems - who, like me, claimed to not have trauma before a specific age - being harassed by people like this person, who claimed DID only happened before a certain age. They suggested I seek therapy, and that if I wasn’t traumatized, I may be experiencing something else. I reacted VERY poorly, like the uneducated (terrified) teenager I was. 

Because of this, and a few other factors, I moved into endogenic spaces. OSDD/DID spaces didn’t accept me, particularly because there were a lot of things about my system that made people doubt my existence. I was a supposed DID system who had “completely fused” in one year without any therapy, but still had alters fronting, who claimed to have formed without trauma (denial is a hell of a drug) and who had genuinely no idea what they were talking about. 

Proof of not knowing what I was talking about: my description of what it meant to be “integrated” 😥

I continued to interact with those who disagreed with endogenic plurality, primarily because I wanted to understand where they were coming from. If I WAS a traumagenic system, then surely I should understand???

Link (tw sh mention)

This was the first time I was fully fakeclaimed. Fair warning, it’s a loooong post and goes into a lot of back and forth. But this was what, ultimately, cemented me as a radically inclusive system. At this point, I was at least OPEN to the idea of being traumatized. So having someone tell me I was just RPing… It hurt. And it all started cause, looking back, I was immature and uninformed - as are the majority of new systems. This person - this JACKASS - looked at me, a clearly fucked up individual, and continued to believe the worst of me. 

I applied that belief to all anti-endos. And I ran to endogenic spaces to feel… safe. 

Endo spaces felt safe. I felt accepted, because, well, they accepted everyone! This was also at the same time I was exploring my gender and sexuality, and when I started falling in love with my nonbinary partner. Endogenic spaces kept comparing the trauma debate to LGBT+ debates. “They say trauma ALWAYS causes systems, just because they’ve never heard of it happening elsewhere!! That’s the same argument as Nonbinary people not existing because you’ve never heard of it!!” (Note: it’s not the same argument.)

It was so easy to become a pro-endo. I could talk for hours about why, but it boils down to feeling accepted and wanted. When I first started looking into things (uneducated, as the post said), I could not comprehend why people were excluding others. “Surely, if so many people say they have a disorder but don’t have trauma, that’s valid, because *I* have this disorder without trauma.” Again. Denial. 

It’s funny because, looking back, I remember things much clearer. I didn’t reblog much from Endogenics at first - largely because I didn’t want harassment. I was more fragile then than I am now, which is clearly saying something. It’s funny too, because I had very similar stances. Just… in an immature way. 

Link

Even by 2019, I wasn’t really certain where I stood. I knew I accepted all the identities I was coming across, but I also had my doubts about how healthy this all was. I didn’t strongly participate in syscourse, even then, but I scrolled it a LOT. I spent way too much of my life on tumblr. Also by this point, I was as stressed out as I had ever been - I was a senior in college, just turning 21 by now, fully realizing I’m traumagenic by this point (even if I didn’t fully accept it), and going through the most stressful goddamn year of my life. My symptoms were getting worse, and… I was always so angry. 

I scrolled major pro endo blogs. I scrolled major anti endo blogs. I was disgusted by what I saw, daily, because here the Evil Traumagenics were - supposedly MY people - bashing endos - who to me, were just existing. “Words change - why can’t they use those words?” I was so frustrated. I just wanted people to leave each other alone. 

Link

As you can see - I actually subscribed to some anti-endo beliefs by now. I acknowledged that some Endogenics have trauma. I just wasn’t outspoken at all, because I knew the harassment my friends in the pro-endo community got. I still considered myself strongly pro-endo, mostly because everyone else did, and partly because… I support endos. I always had. 

It wasn’t until November/December of 2019 that I really fell deeply into tumblr and started drowning in syscourse. Notably, that’s during thanksgiving/winter break - when I was home with my abusers. I started reblogging more from anti-endos (at least, the ones who I agreed with) and started separating DID/OSDD from Endogenics. 

Link

It was also at this time that I began to hate the community. 

Link

I was constantly angry by now. Syscourse was on my dash daily. And of course, quarantine didn’t help. I kept diving further and further into things I didn’t understand. 

Link

2020, November, was where I finally, finally started looking into other arguments. What did people mean when they advocated for non-shared spaces? What were they fighting for? I began reblogging from anti-endos. 

Link (Long post, no screenshot here)

But I slipped back into this. Angry place. I couldn’t shake that anger. And then… the INSTANT 2021 hit… I started turning that anger towards others, very very heavily. 

Link

I started to shift more neutral (slowly, very slowly), but still considered myself pro-endo because I supported them. But I reacted so negatively anytime anyone said ANYTHING negative about Endogenics. I genuinely couldn’t understand what harm they did. Mind you, this was already after I had crashed my car due to their beliefs, had Endogenics tell me I was a mixed-origin system at best, etc etc. i just couldn’t understand how people could be upset at a group of people just trying to exist and get support. 

I held onto my anger for too long. 

[I would post more screenshots, but it won't let me at this point. I'll be providing links from hereon out).

Link: (what even was the point of this? All to hold a grudge? Is that it?)

May was where things started to shift. I was so angry all the time that it was exhausting me. I spent hours of my day on tumblr, scrolled my entire dashboard at least 4 times a day, and scrolled through syscourse tags with obsessive focus. I was stuck now stuck at home, every day, all day, with my abusers. It was a crutch. 

I was so tired. And I started shifting to neutrality: not giving a shit anymore, because giving a shit was… god. It was exhausting. 

Link: This is where I started identifying as "plural" rather than the other terms, as I was so annoyed and frustrated by syscourse.

That didn’t stop me from being a disgusting, hate filled person to defend the people I have been with for so long, however. 

https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/650492132308746240/cant-reply-so-doing-it-this-way-this-here  (This entire post was just... So sickening. I just made comparisons to being gay as a way to defend how the DSM changes and isn’t correct and just. Ugh.) 

I hate scrolled anti-endo blogs (that I sometimes reblogged from, because. I agree with the things I reblogged.) I tried to do positivity to cheer myself up - which didn’t last.  I made positivity posts for Endogenics that got shat on by people, which just increased my anger. Everything just. Need more anger. I knew I wanted to stop, but I COULDN’T because god, everything was making me so angry, and here I was, with nowhere to put it - but in syscourse. 

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/655709219852615680/honey-im-blocking-people-thats-it-im-not 

It just kept getting worse. And worse. And worse. I kept fluctuating between a very aggressive pro-endo and a very dead inside “neutral.” 

And then I changed. 

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/672094051347070976/thanks-so-much-for-explaining-it-that-way-that 

@justanothersyscourse. You… heard my anger, and frustration, and you replied kindly. And while it itched inside, burned, to be talking to someone I had frequently complained about in private, you offered safety on the other side. Safety for me to research, to understand, to see. All I ever wanted, originally, was to understand. You have us that chance. 

The rest of tumblr never saw it - but Dude (the owner of that blog) sat with me for a half hour or so in DMs while I bawled my eyes out in a Covid testing line and as I tried to work out where I stood on the “disordered / dysfunctional” debate. He made me feel like someone understood for once; agreed that BOTH sides are toxic, and that BOTH sides have such majors flaws. I felt at the time that everybody hated me, because every post I made for backlash. Every post I made got people upset. I never got “good anons.” I never got asks at all. Just… people reblogging and telling me I was fake. 

Dude opened me up to actually breathing again. 

That was in December, 2021. About 6 months ago. Half a year. And it was the first time I felt less angry. 

Dude being kind made me look at other anti-endo blogs. I found kind people, through dude - and unkind people too. But I agreed with all of them, at first, and considered myself anti-endo in January. I started tagging posts as anti-endo infrequently. That lasted a little bit (though I oscillated the entire month between pro and anti). 

Jan 10: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/673028376279302144/genuinely-not-sure-how-i-feel-about-endo-systems 

Also Jan 10, in response to that post: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/673035335340539904/if-your-support-for-a-whole-demographic-changes 

I voiced my struggles regularly with this oscillation. Another thank you has to go to Agony - I sent so many anonymous asks to the Agony Auncles during this time in hope of some guidance, and I received it. 

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/674571799196041217/you-can-feel-free-to-delete-this-if-youd-like 

I started feeling a little better, but I’ve realized now why: I felt better because I could RECOGNIZE my anger now. Before, I didn’t even recognize my anger. Now, I did - but I wasn’t sure how to solve it. 

In February, I tried to step back, just like I did very recently.

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/676399663864266752/hey-message-from-mod-curtis-here-were-going-to 

I couldn’t though. I couldn’t stop scrolling syscourse; especially when I still had to be home. It was so much harder now, I was building up to coming out, so I hid in my phone and tried to ignore everything. I used syscourse to hide. 

I started trying to generalize my posts more - maybe if I wasn’t directly supporting either side, that anger (conscious or not) would die down. 

This… this, I think, is where hell broke loose. 

I started calling myself “neutral” - I didn’t fit cleanly into either of the boxes people appeared to have made. I started arguing “both sides are bad and here are their flaws” - and a very small group of people agree with me!! It’s been lovely having that group. 

The tumblr community, however…

Ugh. I don’t think I want to even dig anymore. Anyone who’s been reading this far likely already knows how these past few months went for me. I posted a lot of takes, got both support and heinous amounts of harassment. I was lightly threatened with Doxxing from the pro-endo doxxer, was told to kill myself numerous times, and went toe-to-toe with major pro-endo players. 

Nothing I did these past few months feels productive. Not anymore, at least. During the moment, it felt good - but I suppose self harm usually does, in the moment. It’s funny; I frequently make sure to remind people to step away from syscourse when it’s hurting them. So why is it so hard for me to do the same? 

I realized, when writing this post, just how damaging it’s all been for me. I started writing this post from a place of, what I’ll call it here, “boiling anger education.” I’ve frequently said that you cannot educate when you are just angry, and I still hold to that - but I wasn’t doing better myself. I didn’t realize I was so angry, so hateful, until I finally, finally managed to fully step away and see the bigger picture. 

I took a walk outside for the first time in months on Thursday. It was incredible. I started drawing again - granted, for system related things, but it’s been so refreshing. I started writing again, because I wasn’t busy refreshing my notifications to make sure nobody had misinterpreted what I said now, to make sure I didn’t need to respond to someone to clarify my point. 

It’s been about a week (I think - time is so hard for me to keep track of. It feels simultaneously like yesterday, and like years ago) since I wrote the post that made me step back. Genuinely, I don’t know how to feel about the take I made there. I don’t think it’s beneficial to even address it here; I’m not healthy enough for that yet. I think it would be a disservice, to myself and to others, to address it here. I always say “if you aren’t educated on the topic, you can share your thoughts and personal feelings, but you can’t give information.” I want to stand by that here, especially since I haven't been lately.

Looking back, Memories of the Circular Room has changed. That’s a good thing, in a lot of ways. It started as a way to me to learn more, to post about my experiences, and to become comfortable with my system. I believe I’ve done those things. I also believe it’s changed me for the worse - the syscourse, the hate, the anger I’ve held onto. 

I think MotCR served me well. But I also think I’m not that person anymore. I don’t need to remember anymore. I don’t need to be stuck in who I was, or who I was becoming. I can change, and grow, and hopefully, I can be kind. That’s all I wanted, back then: someone to be kind to me, to educate me. That’s who I want to be. 

This is my funeral pyre for Memories of the Circular Room. One last, final post - one last final memory of everything. A chronicle of all of the things that have happened, a quick summary, one that certainly doesn’t contain everything, but shows the changes I went through. I think I’m finally ready to move on. 

MotCR will remain “active” in the sense that you can scroll this blog to see any post made here. I’m not going to private it, because I think there are good things that were said here, and I want myself and others to be able to access those things. But I will no longer reblog things here, make original posts, or answer asks. I’m moving on, and away, and changing how I tackle syscourse. 

I’ll be making one last post when I fully am ready to share my new plans (which include a new blog). But for now? This is it. 

Thank you for reading ❤️💙💜💗🖤💛💚❣️🧡💟🤍❤️

[thecrystalquill]

About Love-Hate chapter 3...

~I decided to continue writing this series on my new account (this one) and reblogged the previous parts from my un-themed account (crumpets-are-better-with-jam).

•So, as of now I'll be writing it on this account - I've just written chapter 3 so now I'm debating whether to post it now or when I go on holiday this week.

•Let me know if you want to be tagged or if you're reading it at all (it's been so long since I wrote it I don't know if anyone's actually interested anymore).

•I also have some other fics on my waiting list as well as the requests I'm finishing up (those who requested them, I hope you won't be disappointed but I'm sure it'll be worth the wait)I'm working hard on these ones they're good ideas).

•On my waiting list I have a few more Harry Potter ones (including marauders era), some Marvel fics, and a couple of SPN one-shots.

•I plan on writing through the holidays (as well as college work and some me-time) to get the requests done so I can get working on the next thing on my list (which is a Sirius x reader series if you're interested) asap.

•Also, while I'm at it, my links on the Love-Hate chapters don't work (I'm not very good with making links tbh technology doesn't like me) so just ignore those.

Thank you :) x