#Dogstar Rape

[dogstarblues]

been trying to pick my systems back up after having been lax abt them. i just keep getting fucking. triggered - if it's not my pstd then its my cptsd, if it's not my ibs then its my fibromyalgia, if its not my chronic fatigue then its my adhd. like can i fucking do things? can i fucking do what i want and not get interrupted every like 3 fucking days with one extra day needed and sometimes up to a week of recovery? CAN I?

like, okay i know ive made a ton of progress. for example on saturday i encountered a scene of attempted rape on M*A*S*H and had flashbacks and dissociated all day until maybe the evening. but!!! i carried myself through the dissociation with grounding techniques so i wouldn't lose too much time and go completely catatonic, and i managed to stave off flashbacks with talking to friends and listening to music. then sunday i had a flareup from the emotional distress + weather shift and a shit day due to my period. and like. i just needed monday to bounce back from those two emotionally fraught days and feel okay again. if it had been 2 years ago, i would have had nightmares for weeks after. WEEKS. but i slept okay those nights. i didn't have nightmares. i barely remember saturday and sunday but that's okay because i do remember some of it and i feel okay today. today, i was able to do great in an interview. i was able to take care of things even if i was so tired my legs burned when i walked.

the last time i talked to my therapist i had to take a whole week of recovery from doing EMDR about my current inability to tell people i love them but i STILL bounced back. i was okay!

in 2018-2019 i had nightmares almost every night. i was hallucinating constantly. there was a point in time where my roommate had to sleep next to me in my room because i would wake up screaming and burst into tears and sob for hours. he was tired. i was tired. i got to a point where my disordered eating turned into full-blown anorexia. i was vomiting from stress and fear. but getting my dog helped, therapy helped, meds helped, becoming my own person helped, my roommate helped, getting older helped, despite being very alone and isolated with few friends during those years.

so. idk where i'm going with this but all this to maybe say, i recognize how far i've come. and maybe this is as good as i'm going to be for the rest of my life. but i think i can manage. it's just frustrating sometimes. sometimes i wish i could get my capability back, but in some ways, emotionally, mental health-wise, im the most capable i've ever been.

[dogstarblues]

huh????