#Hopefully I didn't get too lost in the sauce! I forgot to eat dinner while writing this! (This has been resolved.)

[yesmissnyx]

Dear Ms. Nyx,

(Asking on annon cause im nervous of ridicule)

I am a sub exploring kink with my partner and i have been reading your posts about how subs can stand out/interact healthily as part of the kink community. (I believe it was specifically about finding a dom but it had a lot on good healthy interaction too.) And the follow up ask from a dom adding their thoughts.

And i had a question. In both there was an emfasis on recognising thak kink is play/a game/a fantasy. (The ask also mentioned the red flag of subs who just want to be taken care of. Which feels related and linked to my point). And that is all understandable on some level. But not on others.

Like for me some aspects of kink are a game or fantasy that we engage in. (Bondage aspects, petplay and others) but some aspects for us are... lifestyle/relationship patterns? Like i have a praise kink and generally act pretty submissive in our relationship. So we will use praise and nicknames/petnames as a way of showing affection and connection. Or we both take care for eachother and account for each other's needs, but she often does it informed with the ways of care and being that we have explored in more explucitly kink and sexual spaces and takes the soft dominant aspects through other parts of our life together.

And i get how in sometimes it feels like play or a game but for the most part it just feels like here is love and kindness and what that means. And what a relationship means for us? Like its not a game or just a fantasy

Im just worried that i am doing it wrong or causing harm/ being unsafe.

(All of the interactions and dynamics i have duscribed have been talked over and negociated properly to be clear. We are pretty good at communication like that and well address when things go wrong(but again thats just normal relationship things its not a scene we aren't acting?))

Thanks for offering your thoughts.

Ooh, hmm! Interesting question!

I'd never thought that thinking of or referring to D/s elements as "play" or "fantasy" could feel potentially confusing or invalidating for some people.

While BDSM is often in the realm of RP/fantasy for many, that doesn't mean that it can't be Very Real and Very Much a part of a relationship. Especially a long-term committed romantic one! Not all D/s relationships have traditional scenes, or an on/off switch. Not all aspects of D/s feel like play.

That being said, you aren't obligated to think of it as "play" (read: Not Real) if that isn't what feels good for you and your partner.

Personally, I LOVE lifestyle dynamics. I enjoy D/s as a part of a relationship, all the time, 24/7. It's not necessarily play for me--sometimes it's just two people making each other feel loved and cared for in ways that are decidedly kinky.

On the note of the aforementioned red flags, it's only when a potential sub acts entitled to being taken care of, that it's a red flag. ESPECIALLY when they do so before any negotiation or communication, which is often the case.

(General sidenote: this is why the "uwu mommy breastfeed me" DMs to strangers usually don't get aspiring subs anywhere except with scammers, cum-and-go types, and abusers.)

THIS is why communication is key! I've known Dom/mes who WANT someone to be their useless little kittycat fucktoy meow-meow brat, but because everyone's negotiated, everyone's needs are being met.

But, back to the other part of your question! I think the fact that you're continually communicating and negotiating and listening to each other (I hope!) should help you navigate away from harm.

If referring to certain aspects of your relationship as "play" makes you feel bad, then it's worth having a conversation about it!

All in all, it's good to interrogate why you might feel different or weird about a common kink practice, but at the end of the day, your relationship is YOUR relationship. Everyone involved is an individual.

Think about what you learn, be honest and communicate. Luckily, there's no one template for kink relationships. (This is a good thing!)

Keep communicating with your partner, stay safe and hope this helps!