#I CAN easily leave pay off the incurred debt and move on but I've already sold like...85% of my soul this far

[questionablespecies]

God, I feel like crying and nothing has happened...yet. The amount of stress that I'm carrying is the worst it's ever been in my entire life and I'm an orphan.

It's another semester down and yet, I'm not free. I have prelims to study for, which I don't even feel prepared for because we've spent 8 months not being prepped for the material, so everything being learned is essentially on the fly, but hey, at least it's multiple-choice! I fucking hate this school.

And then I have my dissertation proposal. Honestly, that is the one I'm the least concerned about. I'm really reaching levels of IDGAF anymore, pass fail whatever. Every time I talk about grad school, it's about how much I would love to quit - like the door is right there!

And it's not because it's hard, let's be real. The work is immensely easy - if anything, the same as undergrad. But the expectations are different and the school doesn't prepare you at ALL for those expectations. They just tell you hey things are happening that you gotta do, no we're not gonna tell you how to do it even though you've been in class for this long and should've had professors say something about it, that's funny, anywaaaaayyysssssss....

Like I can't even make up how disorganized this program is. They're not building us to be professionals; they're building us to be administration. I shouldn't have to constantly keep double checking admin about when this will be cleared on my grade when I've already sent xyz documentation months ago. They act like they just started yesterday, yet the tea is that all grad school is disorganized like this. When if you ask my old boomer aunt, she'll categorize it as "breeding out the weak."

It's ridiculous that the people who work here don't even know what's going on either, and you can feel the lack of support permeating the air. But they'll do events to act like they give a shit about us while essentially robbing us blind because idk where my tuition is going because it certainly isn't going into adequate professors or administration.

I pray to GOD that I better pass everything in one neat bow because I could soooooo easily see myself doing something else. So fucking easily. This isn't a dream job for me, this is something I like and one thing about ME is that I AM A QUITTER. I will leave due to a slight inconvenience, IRDGAF.

I don't have anyone to disappoint other than myself, and I know I'll get over it.