#I MEAN I'M NOT PARTICULARLY PRESENT I KNOW but back to even a lil lower activity THANK YOU FOR BEING AROUND

[mythvoiced]

-. second attempt at watching the mdzs donghua, watching bichen show up quickly went from 'OH HEY' to 'oh god'

[speenach]

life update: wellbutrin (aka bupropion) will lower your seizure threshold, all right!

🎶 'cause karma is my boyfriend! karma is a god, karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend karma's a relaxing thought ...

What is karma?

according to ideapod.com, "Karma is a Sanskrit word meaning 'action.' It refers to a cycle of cause-and-effect that is an important concept in many Eastern Religions, particularly Hinduism and Buddhism. ... it means that the steps of your life, your spiritual development, and your personality are directly molded by your thoughts and actions. Present you affects future you." i hope i'm not too far off, but this lil article does remind me of the way that i think my friend with the relevant knowledge explained it to me sometime in the past decade. unsurprisingly, the song "Karma" might simplify this a little; but even if it doesn't really, 100% accurately represent what karma is, spiritually, it's my favorite Taylor Swift song of the moment. arguably the best on Midnights.

spider boy, king of thieves weave your little webs of opacity my panties* made your crown. trick me once, trick me twice don't you know that cash ain't the only price? it's coming back, around.

*it's actually "pennies," but -- excuse me? 👑 listen to this song and try to tell me you don't hear "panties." or just try to tell me it doesn't make the better lyric. try to tell me that it doesn't fit Taylor's chest voice. try to ignore the harmonies in, "i keep my side of the street clee-ean. you wouldn't know what i mean." tell me this isn't one of the best songs to cat-walk in the airport to. try to keep it out of my karaoke-ing mouth this summer. i dare you.

speaking of airports and causes and effects and summer -- eek! i was supposed to visit Ireland and the UK this past week (only Northern Ireland is part of the UK, fun fact!?). my boyfriend (my actual one, Ben, not the concept) was taking me overseas for his college roommate's wedding. it was going to be very cute! and maybe even nudged me to think more seriously about marriage -- an institution i've resisted since growing up with its politicization, a thing that could maybe actually be practical if i wasn't so worried about the aesthetics of my own fucking personal life being twisted into talking points for the right. fuck them, fuck JK Rowling, fuck bisexual erasure, fuck transphobia, fuck off.

if this sounds disorganized, it's because it is! it's because i want to convey something about the state that my brain apparently reached for me to have my first seizure on thurs, may 11, DURING A LAYOVER IN VIRGINIA, HOORAY!

sorry, the rest of this post might be upsetting for various reasons. content warning for:

expanding on aforementioned seizure & another the next day

psychosis

medical bills from the ER(s) lol

babbling — this isn't really a warning as much as it is a qualification: since i do have some (small) degree of control over who can find me on instagram, and this is likely too long to go viral organically — if you're reading this, it’s prob because i posted it or sent it to you, or it was shared by someone whom i trust with the decision to share. something happened to me last week, and, if this tumblr blog is going to be what i wanted it to be when i wrote my inaugural post in january, it's the place for me to explain what happened from my perspective. i want the people in my life to know. i also, just, can't imagine calling people up just to be like... "hey i had a medical emergency but i'm okay." idk, i want to have my whole-ass say on it. you gotta read the taylor swift lyrics first.

all right, so, right before we left for the airport, i had a meeting with my dissertation advisor about the chapter i've been struggling with for the whole school year. i was so anxious i hadn't slept the night before, even after staying up all of monday night, too, revising the most recent draft. i also smoke a lot of weed, but it couldn't help me sleep this time. instead -- and i say this with some degree of expertise/professionalism -- i must have had something like a psychotic break. i had sent my advisor about twice as many pages as he was expecting, and i literally could not believe it when he told me that what he'd read so far sounded good. i told him i felt like a delusion of grandeur was coming true. and, after that, there was a moment where i literally thought he was reading my mind or speaking to me in code or something. it was weird. i was weird.

for the rest of my waking hours, until my first seizure, i thought i'd unlocked some secret of the universe. overwhelmed by the body language of hundreds of traveling strangers around us, i seriously thought i could read people's minds, too, or at least Ben's. normal airport stuff happened, our flight kept getting pushed back, waiting was miserable; in addition to convincing myself i was reading Ben's mind, i concluded that the only logical explanation for everything was that the internet must be down, like, universally, and/or everyone's collective consciousness was going through something like Opposite Day. ... again, i was weird. but, at this point, it seemed like i just badly needed some sleep. i also kept randomly singing the chorus to “anti-hero.”

sweet like honey, karma is a cat purring in my lap, 'cause it loves me

our flight got pushed back so late that our airline put us up in a "quality inn" for thursday night. my grand mal happened during the lyft ride there, which royally freaked out our driver and pushed Ben over a mental cliff from "my girlfriend's acting weird" to "my girlfriend might die." after sleeping through a $4000 ER visit that i don't remember, that my family and i have to figure out how to pay $2000 for lol, i passed all the psych tests to be discharged. we had a short connecting flight just for me to have the same delusions and another seizure during our layover in new jersey, right around the time our Ireland flight was finally canceled. don't ask me how much the second ER visit was because i don't know yet! friday night, i slept in a hospital bed in a hallway, before i remember getting some scrubs and an actual room for the rest of the weekend. no pillow, though -- just two sheets. i was pretty confused and upset after the first couple times i woke up there and still couldn't pass the psych checks until sunday. but obviously i eventually did, Ben came to get me, and we finally flew home monday.

it's actually kind of funny. it's okay, my home doctor laughed at me, too, when i saw her on wednesday; i am a clinical vignette. like, classic psych case. girl with depression and anxiety misses too much sleep, smokes too much weed, has seizure risk factors, and seizes. (i also wasn’t eating enough, surprise). among other things, i'm on prozac and wellbutrin but am better about the latter, because i associate the former with heartburn, and i get the impression that i can actually feel when the latter works. doc and i decided to halve my wellbutrin dose, at least until i see my therapist and psychiatrist on tuesday, and i'm on a THC/tolerance break. i'm tired from over/writing this, but that's what happened!

karma is the thunder rattling your ground karma's on your scent like a bounty hunter karma's gonna track you down, step by step from town to town. sweet like justice, karma is a queen...

[free-falling-grenade]

part 4 rayaari thoughts please never shut up i love u and your thoughts on ratld <///3

A lil late but part 4 LESGO. 👀👀 Part one. Part two. Part three. Part five.  Part six.

Exhibit K:

Okok so I missed some important things after the spine scene smh. I only remember them after I made the post so here.

Here’s more of #worriedpotentialgf as Virana tells her that its none of her concern now.

I think that a heavy part of Namaari knows exactly what she’s gonna do and what she’s capable of doing but she asks anyway hoping to hear the opposite from her mother dearest. Those deeply concerned eyes and the way her face pinches as thoughts flash in her head. (This one isnt particularly Rayaari but it's worth the mention coz I love Namaari) I'd like to acknowledge Namaari's body language here after consulting her mother about helping Sisu bring everyone back

God, this scene is quite something. We see badass Fang princess here shrinking into herself as Virana turns to her with a lot of intensity. And I just think that this adds so much depth into Namaari's character. How complex she really is in terms of her relationships with everyone around her and how her behaviour and personality is rooted around that.  We see how her shoulders close up and her head coming inwards, almost like a turtle retreating back to its shell. And her downward gaze after. Body language is so important coz it says alot about a character. And here we see the fear that actually is present when her mother disapproves, or she does something that she doesn’t like.

I have a hate love relationship with Virana but during this scene I definitely didn’t like her. I’m all for hot, powerful milfs but 👁👄👁 I dont appreciate you screamin at my girl Namaari like that.

We see how Namaari has always done everything to please her mother, her decisions for Fang and to make sure not to disappoint her only parent. So this could be rooted through traumatizing fear and the high heavy expectations of her own tribe on her shoulders. She cant seem to catch a break when for once she considers the actual good side of things and potentially team up with Raya. Yet she always zeroes back in to her mother and Fang.

She’s still quite young and we seem to forget that by how hardened she had become so it's hard to know if you would see this behavior as cowardly when in reality it could just be from the childhood trauma she had growing up.

Exhibit L:

L STANDS FOR LOVE THIS DAMN SCENE.

OKAY let's go back to that part when Namaari offers the gem!! I missed some things again.

*AHEM*.

Namaari's lowkey surprised bewildered look. That amused huff. That tiny GENUINE smile. That SOFT look.

Raya's expectant look. That SOFT and studying gaze. That awkward and shy grin.

The LAYERS of this scene was *chef's kiss* it was the calm before the storm. But there was that raw genuineness of it all. 

Did yall feel the crazy tension too and was everyone else at the edge of their seats biting their nails in anticipation? Who else let out a feral scream?

Anywya, yes. I think this is probably the first time we saw them with their guards lowered temporarily and actually not hostile against each other. There’s no bitter banter here, no pushing off buttons, no scowls and frowns. Just pure surprise and soft smiles. This is them being honest for once.

Even if there’s Namaari's hidden intention, I feel like she forgets it for a moment when she sees the pendant and how Raya explained that she took care of it all these years. And I'm sure that made Namaari feel somethin inside her. Probably made her heart swell happily but she didn’t know the actual meaning of it all just yet.

You see how SOFT her eyes are while looking at Raya. And there's Raya studying Namaari's reaction nervously, the way she waits, probably slightly afraid and kinda embarrassed of what she might think after knowing she took care of her GIFT after all these years and after all she's done and what they've been through.

I bet Namaari's thoughts filled with a flood of why’s? but she can't help the little smile that tugs on her lips that she kept the only thing that connected them. The day she gave the gift, the day it all went wrong, but with no malice in mind, just the young girl with soft honey eyes invaded her senses, her body moved by itself offering her necklace. To think she kept it all these years.

I'm fine.

Exhibit M:

Phewww. Let's talk about that intense and most sapphic fight, shall we?

Besides the obvious Raya on kill mode and each strike of her blade literally had pure intention to end her potential gf.

Let's skip to the end of the fight ish!

Ok besides the lowkey hilarity of this screenshot. How ominously Raya stands behind, I cant help but laugh. In all seriousness tho, we see Namaari looking at the pendant that fell of her pocket.

Then here's Namaari grabbing the pendant with her beefy arms and clutching it to her heart like it's the most dearest thing in the world, which we all know it is.

I think this part is quite important. Because we see her at her most vulnerable here. Stripped from her weapons and hardened armor with completely nothing else to lose as her tribe and the whole world collapses around her. She's here about to probably let Raya slaughter her so she offers her last words.

We all have that part memorized or is it just me, "I've never meant for any of this to happen"

What she says about Sisu's death also being Raya's fault, is honestly her last try to somehow get into the other girl's skin, a last strike but without her blades. She knows it's the truth, and nothing hurts more like the truth. I think she didn’t really have time to properly formulate her last few sentences besides it bring rooted from desperation and pure resignation.

But the way Namaari says "that's why we're here" I think is a poor attempt to fully blame Raya for what happened. I know maybe in this context she meant them shooting Sisu but I feel like it's even more that that. I think a heavy part of her knows it's all her fault too but can’t help herself from throwing and extending the blame further to someone else. It's basically how they've both been and functioned anyway. Accusations, anger and resentment.

And Raya who held a strong hate for Namaari but a stronger hate for herself as she carried the heavy blame of trusting the Fang girl in the first place, took what she said personally. Like she knew it, a very harsh painful truth and a burden Raya probably has carried for years.

Which leads us to the important realization after that. Raya backtracks and considers her actions. How her expression shifts from realization back to anger maybe hesitating thinking Namaari was just playing with her again but then resigning to the disgusting reality of what she was about to do, on the verge of tears as she stared at her reflection on the ridiculously shiny af sword of what she had become. That Namaari was right. This wasn't just the Fang princess' fault, it was also hers. 

Maybe she also realizes her selfishness for not trusting Sisu in the first place. How impatient she was that she contributed to her death. She was the one who didn't give Namaari a chance. And it's a bitter truth to face. And here she was about to brutally slash the other princess out, her judgement completely clouded with rage.

Are we doing ok here guys?

Coz I'm not. Aha.

I'd like to add this bonus because of it's pure aesthetic feels.

Can we talk about Raya's ability to fuckin disappear like the wind took her?? Like girl, SHEEEEESH.

Anyway besides that, we see the genuine shock Namaari wears here realizing that the princess didn’t pull through with killing her. A realization that probably confused her a bit coz a part of her maybe feels like she deserved to die. She was ready for it anyway.

Also how pretty is that sky and clouds in Fang while the sun shines through those archways. The art is terrifically breathtaking.

-×-

GUYYS I DIDN’T KNOW THERES A 10 PICTURE LIMIT.

Guess I'll see yall in part 5? 🤡