#I always think of taylor the first time or when she's singing live but kn my day to day those are my songs so it'd either b or c

[feed-me-romance]

We Need More Joan.

I'm stuck in bed with a torn meniscus and back spasms. All I've done over the past two days is read, and watch Bravo television. For those wondering, Vanderpump Villa is absolute magic, and I am still hoping to come back as Lisa Vanderpump in my next life.

All this time spent in bed allowed me to finish the first book from The Brown Paper Bag of Smut: Velvet Song by Jude Deveraux. This is the third book in a series, all of which have Velvet in the title. It was published in 1983, and the paperback copy I have was a whopping $2.95. Man, inflation is a bitch.

Velvet Song is set in the very specific, "South of England" in 1502. Right off the bat I'm going to tell you I'm not a historian, and the only history I know anything about (much to my mother's delight and pure bafflement) is revolutionary China, because it was the only subject that interested me in college. If you're looking for historical accuracy, I doubt Jude Deveraux novels are your wheelhouse.

Now that we got that out of the way, our heroine is the Taylor Swift of the 1500's. Alyxandria Blackett has no curves to speak of, lavender eyes (it's always lavender), hair of every color, and mad troubadour skills. She's out in the woods one day with her cittern, writing songs and making music when she's accosted by Pagnell, the soon-to-be Earl of Waldenham. Alyx kicks him in the balls, and takes off. Pagnell is livid, so he retaliates by killing Alyx's father and starting her house on fire. He also puts wanted posters all over town, accusing Alyx of treason, witchcraft and thievery. So typical, am I right?

Pagnell is universally hated, and the town feels bad for Alyx; so they disguise her as a boy and send her off into the woods to live with a band of outlaws. Now, this is where the book goes full Mulan. Since Alyx has no curves to speak of (something she curses God for every chance she gets), it's easy to disguise her once her hair of many colors is cut off.

Of course the leader of the band of outlaws is our heartthrob: Raine Montgomery. Raine takes Alyx on as his squire, and it immediately becomes an enemies-to-lovers situation. With plenty of weird homo-erotic behavior thrown in for good measure. Raine declares he's going to, "whip some order into the men." Guys... this is where Disney got the "Make a Man Out of You" inspo for Mulan. I'm TELLING YOU. Jude girl, I hope you're receiving some residuals.

One of Alyx's squire duties is to wash Raine's armor. She's down by the river, casually washing away when a really hot guy shows up. I thought this might turn into a love triangle, but no dice. Jocelin has too much trauma from his last relationship. Instead, he and Alyx (remember, she's supposed to be a guy) have a very intimate singing scene.

Later on, Raine gets hurt in battle, loses a ton of blood, and of course it's the perfect moment for him and Alyx to bang it out. Oh, I'm sorry. It's when, "his maleness touched her womanliness." I will say, I love the fact Alyx has no shame or guilt over their tryst. We love us a sexually positive queen!

Once Raine recovers, he finally admits he knows Alyx was a female (honestly, she did a terrible job disguising it), they admit they love each other, and they proceed to have sex on the forest floor. And on horseback, which sounds very uncomfortable and damn near impossible to do.

Lest you think this is just a romance novel, some "historical" stuff happens too. Raine's sister is kidnapped by the rival Chatsworth family; she is raped and then commits suicide. Raine is furious and wants to go avenge his sister. Meanwhile back at camp, Blanche the jealous camp vixen sets Alyx up and makes it look like she's been stealing from the settlers. Raine agrees to take Alyx and leave camp. But Alyx knows this is a horrible idea, so she and Joselin pretend to make out, Raine sees them, and banishes them from the camp, only to stay behind himself.

Fast forward four months, and of course Alyx is pregnant. I would love to know if they conceived the baby during their horseback romp, but we'll never know. She and Joselin are traveling around as a musical duo, and they end up at a castle where they meet Elizabeth Chatsworth; one of the reviled Chatsworth family members who is actually very nice, and protects Alyx when the dreaded Pagnell shows up.

Just as Pagnell is about to get his revenge on Alyx, Raine arrives. He rescues Alyx, they quickly get married, and he takes her back to his family's land. Of course Raine's family all loves Alyx, and they head off to the market where Raine buys Alyx all kinds of furs and cloth for dresses. It's like Pretty Woman of the 1500's.

While at the market, Alyx gets pulled aside by Roger Chatsworth. He wants to know what happened to Elizabeth, and is worried about her because he heard she was sent off to live with Raine's brother Miles. Raine sees Alyx talking to Roger, and loses his shit. He heads back to the woods, and leaves her with his brother and sister-in-law.

While he's pouting in the woods, Alyx gives birth to his daughter, Catherine. But even the birth of his daughter isn't enough to draw him out of the woods. So, Alyx takes matters into her own hands, leaves baby Catherine with Raine's family and heads into the woods to get her man back. She takes Joan, the maid, with her.

Y'all. This is where the story really got interesting.

Before Alyx leaves for the woods, her sister-in-law warns her about Joan, and tells her she, "sometimes forgets her station." This is 1500's speak for, "Joan is a sexually liberated woman." Once they get to camp, Joan proceeds to have sex with four different men. At the same time. Alyx is both impressed, and curious about the logistics. Raine is mad, because Joan's magic vagina tired his men out to the point they can't even lift a sword.

I need a Joan standalone novel. How did she become the tamer of four men at one time? What's her backstory? How did she end up as a maid for the Montgomery women when she's obviously capable of so much more? We need more Joan.

Raine is still so mad about Alyx talking to Roger Chatsworth, there's a requisite spanking and make up sex scene. Meanwhile, Brian Chatsworth shows up at the camp and asks for refuge. Not long after, Roger shows up looking for a fight. Brian drugs Raine, takes his armor, and tries to fight Roger. It doesn't go well, and he ends up dead. Alyx and Joan nurse Raine back to health again.

Alyx goes back to the castle where Raine's brother and sister-in-law convince her to go talk to the King on Raine's behalf and get him pardoned. Alyx knows Raine is going to be pissed, but does it anyway so their family can be reunited. The King agrees to pardon Raine, and allow Elizabeth and Miles to marry. Alyx... brokering peace after generations of strife. We love her.

Raine is mad, and still won't come home. So, Alyx packs up baby Catherine and sends her off into the woods to live with her father. It's like split custody before that was even a thing. Of course Raine falls in love with the baby, returns home, and they all live happily ever after.

This was a promising start into The Brown Bag of Smut, and I'm resisting the urge to get the rest of the Velvet novels to see if there are any more details about Joan. But this queen deserves her own novel. The Velvet Touch? The Velvet Maid? Drop your suggestions below.

I give this one 2 peppers on the spice scale. Mild heat, but nothing outrageous.

Until next time... feed me romance and tell me I'm pretty.