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#I can see what ppl mean when they say she looks like Felicia

estradioltone · 4 years

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Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

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heartsoftruth · 7 years

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Neymar always looks bad everytime he breaks up with this princess. And for people who say he has a wandering eye, it doesn't seem to bother bruna when she is flying around the world with him. Did they even touch down in brazil before calling it off? Neymar needs to focus on himself and his career like she does. His game suffered because of her this season and for what? To be dropped again? But he acts like some sad puppy following his owner around begging for food he's not going to get. It's sad

I dont think he looks bad tbh? I mean he’s having fun now so every other day I can see he’s a bit tired, but he also looked like that every now and then when he was in the US.

From what the tabloids say they called it quits in South Africa and she flew back alone.

I think it’s also a bit too much to say his game suffered because of her. I mean he has his ups and downs in a season thats why I always say the one thing he needs to improve is be consistent.

Anonymous said:there are rumors from ppl in Brazil on insta Ney is throwing a party in his mansion today and no use of cellphones is allowed, no wonder no one in the crew is posting anything.. I wonder if that’s cause they will have chicks there… why would they hide otherwise…

Could be true seeing we got so little photos/videos of him last night. I’m sure Mc Kevinho played some of his fave tunes last night haha.

Anonymous said:Neymar always hangs out with Rafael Zulu, thiaguinho, etc on stage when he comes home. Did Bruna used to go to these things in the past? I don’t remember her going last year. Funny how all of a sudden she shows up this year. What timing.

I dont think she went to many of his concerts. Only his I mean and not him also performing at some festival. Only last year but that was also with Ney haha. Indeed timing ;)

Anonymous said:Ugh okay everyone’s talking about how petty and rude she was but to me it looks like her irritated expression is more of a frown bc she can’t hear wtf he’s saying and whenever i’m in a noisy place and anyone talks to me my face would prob be the same? And do people actually expect exes meeting to be not awkward? Maybe she just wasn’t ready to face him so she tried to avoid it. I mean no matter how friendly a break up, it is a break up and there is some annoyance between them. I wouldn’t judge.

For me the ‘main’ problem isn’t how she didnt hear what he had to say, but she acted like he was not standing next to her. Like he didnt just greet her publicist and his wife/girlfriend who was in her direct vision.

She could have know he was at that concert since I also knew he was hanging out with them the whole weekend. Why wouldnt see know? When the day before he was also with them? So it was not like it was a surprise he was also at that concert.

She could have known she would see him. He was the bigger person in trying to get her attention and only then she looked at him to greet him. Can you imagine what the headlines would have been if he hugged both of her friends and then was like “Byeee Felicia, I’m not saying hello to you #teampetty #teamwenolongertogetherwhodafuqareyou??”

The fact that it’s awkward also isn’t a problem. It just makes it awkward to watch but it’s something that isn’t surprising. I agree with that.

#anonymous

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shadowlink720 · 7 years

Text

FE: Birthright Randomised Chapter 17

(aka ‘well that suspense from the last chapter was short lived’)

Off to the Ice Tribe Village we goooo!

how do you think Hana feels, Corrin, she’s an Oni Savage

yeah it was ‘luck’ all right let’s go with that, sure

how are you even still Alive in this weather, Hana I’m honestly surprised

unnecessary sibling fight goooo

wait nvm

well it won’t be for much longer, lemme tell ya

it’s always funny when the text gets cut off

I haven’t played all that many FE games yet get off of my back, Azura-

oh hey time for Plot :D

maybe if you actually wore shoes the cold would be as much of a problem, Corrin :V

Sure

I suppose they’re less susceptible to hypothermia, or evolved to survive a lower internal body temperature lmao

and actual shoes, CORRIN

uhh sure let’s go with that

u know she’s bad b/c she’s facing to the right :V

yep ur gonna get frostbite and it might have been avoidable if you had just worn some shoes lmao

well she’s certainly curt about it

Kaze no don’t say the ‘It has been a pleasure... serving you’ voice line I’m getting bad flashbacks of my first Birthright run askuhdasikgdaug

just try to touch him I mcfreaking dare you >:Y he can and will most likely kick ur ass, Flora

ha it’s cute b/c she thinks she stands a chance against Azura and Felicia

yeah Sure

I honestly just feel bad for Hana for like this whole chapter

really now? what happened to ‘If I have to kill all of you, I won’t hesitate to do so’ huh?

yeah we got Kaze and Hinata, too :V

gotta respect her resolve tho ngl

boi it’s useless, this isn’t Conquest or Revelation

... ok good it didn’t freeze every single time they show map sprites in a cutscene I get really worried lmao

oh yeah there’s like no units on this map to begin with lmao

aaaaanyway let’s go

ah heck

i should have just not visited that village if i had done that would I have been able to just charge right up to Flora, I wonder?

oh well, let’s go

hoo boi

hmm

MUCH better

... ah she missed gdi

oh well he’s still Dead

hmm if I do this, then will the Fighter go for Felicia instead of the village? only one way to find out I guess

heck yeah he did aaaand he Dead ooh, and Silas got to level 20!

HEH

ooooh we got a Master Seal!

hmmmmmm i wonder if it’s worth letting more enemies come along or if we should just rush towards Flora lmao ooh one has 10,000G, apparently let’s go do that

but first let’s use this Dragon Vein

hOO BOI a lot of ppl just showed up there, ok

come at me, Sorcerer

wow Jakob’s like a one hit wonder

right I think this is the village think

heck yeeeeaaaaaah

so yeah, as I was saying c o m e a t m e s c r u b

he’s gonna die for sure ooh neat, I got an Elixir

ok iiiii don’t think this is a kill but we can finish off w/ someone else if no one gets a crit

HOO BOI 2% and she got it w o w

honestly Setsuna is a monster

and as for you, mate

rest in p i e c e s

lmao I really need to get someone in there to deal with that sorcerer

well if I do this then at least Saizo would be able to get some damage on the guy

oOOOK HE DOUBLES SAKURA OK-

how about THIS, then HAH ooh, he dropped 5000G sweet

so yeah, anyway

Iiiii need to remember how her personal works

... non adjacent would mean at least a tile away right? it should at least, lmao

I should get rid of this Mercenary first though, lol

oooooook let’s see how people fare

well I mean it could work let’s try it

stop throwing a pity party, Flora, you brought this on yourself :V

oh hey, Rinkah hit both times, awesome

well it it is over 50% we could try it, lol;;;

well i mean you would have killed us otherwise so we kiinda didn’t have a choice lol oh nice, Takumi got a level up :V

yeah I could have destroyed you with, like, Hinata, Azura or Felicia lmao

mcfreaking yikes

yeah nah it’s my fault for being unable to randomise Revelation lol

ominous music stop oooo

lmao they’re like ‘bitch don’t do it’

ya think there’d be more ya know screams of agony because FIRE can be PAINFUL

I do like the music tho, can’t lie about that

yeah I know it’s a magic fire thing but like a) how on earth can she even do that and b) how does she stay alive/conscious for so long during it lmao

yeah I honestly just feel bad for Hana in this scene because like that’s her sister committing suicide right in front of her

in reality you would probably be screaming and writhing in agony but sure ok

I mean like she could have at least done it when there was no one else around, then her last memories wouldn’t have been her sister’s look of despair

what a couple of last words, huh? usually it’s I regret nothing but w/e lol

yeah definitely don’t feel bad for Flora hahah;;; tbf you get to know Felicia a LOT more than Flora lol

you fool, Hana t h e h u n t n e v e r e n d s

welp, that’s chapter 17! but before I go, I wanna promote Silas with that Master Seal :V

ahh let’s go with Merchant, why not

ayyyyyyy anyway, next time we gon’ fight Leo .... and Owain shhhhhhhhhhit I already feel bad :’’’’’’D

#Shadow plays randomised Fates #fe fates #fe: fates #fe 14 #fire emblem fates #fe randomised

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the-sun-princess · 7 years

Text

OKAY BACK TO THE GAY FATESING even if it will be like 6 chapters before i can really be gay (at least it’s sooner than in CQ, making me wait til chapter 9 to start in on Azura, gods)

Windmire is so. Big. it’s a cool layout oo all the lighting is neat. I suppose to make up for the lack of sun

anyways SUP POPS

i made it here safely yes. Wonder when the last time I was here/if ever was.

well ya ain’t dreamin Marjy. Probably spent the ride over just looking at anything new in the scenery tbh

yes i’m totally on par with Xander it’s not like he can take 3x as many hits as I can or anything considering i had to heal twice and he just let me hit him

are you telling me everyone else had to beat up Xander too. Elise you do all right outside the fortress and ur just a healer

wait, magical barrier????????????? what is that. is it like Hoshido that there’s a “keep foreigners” out thing or is it to keep my dragon powers supressed OOOOOOOOOO an explanation i can use for that ohoohoo

yeah gosh hey don’t stick me back in that dump I’ll fight if it means i don’t have to be stuck there. Tho what am I even fighting really. Oh are we actually in effective war with Hoshido at this point. The like One thing we know. I’m a direct descendant from one of those dragons i’m cooler than you even tho u probably drank a lot of Anankos’ dragon blood. wait that effectively makes Garon a vampire right he drank Anankos blood and is a walking corpse GASP ALL VALLITE SOLDIERS ARE VAMPIRES. Yes i HAVE THE POWAH i’ll lve up to ur harsh af expectations whatever except not really

time to get the Evil Sword That Kills My Mom. just magic that creepy looking thing right up in front of you. Infused with Vallite power....hmm. I wonder if Azura could sense that.

i don’t wanna crush the hoshidan army though ;; i wonder if they even gave her a reason to fight hoshido or its just ‘we’re fighting them’

Xander goin hmmmm cause he knows daddy-o isnt usually like this

im not slaughtering prisonors i LIKE Rinkah and Kaze. also Kaze. You are not gonna die on me this time. I will even put off romancing Azura to save ur green ass

i’m so happy to have Felicia with me instead of Jakass ;;;; oh god i love her so much more ;;

I’m Marjorie, hi Rinkah. changing Marj’s name from Kamui to Marjorie would probably ruin this scene hum. but there’s always rumors possible, I suppose

garon says DO IT he is emporer palpatine GASP I WON’T BE DRAWN TO THE DARK SIDE. I don’t wanna kill them all tho pops

yeah why would I execute helpless prisoners you trained me to fight and defend, yes, but unnecessary killing is just so. ugh. just goin NO that’s my girl right there

I love my kiddo, defending people even against her tyrant dad. she’s a goodie

seriously Xander your voice is throwing me off i thought it was deeper. hey he’s off his horsie for once

“why not show mercy” like rlly, right there. if we have the power to show mercy why shouldn’t we

i am very softhearted and so is marj no wonder i love her so much.oh wow Leo’s collar really is different pff the inside out thing is hilarious. AND YET. NO PJ MODEL. Leo good job KO-ing them. So used to lying to help others/

Oh please an act of kindness will not be the death of Marj. it is however the death of Azura ;;;;; well sacrificing herself to weaken a dragon i guess is kindness i dunno. “Perhaps, but if I’m kind, I will die without regrets” you know ppl can say corrin is boring all they want I still love the dialogue bc i’m a boring softhearted goody two shoes too.

Camilla and Elise always make such a fuss when he upsets me pff. poor Leo

“father never forgets a slight” boy don’t i know it camilla. marj doesnt but i do.

Kaze listens well. Yes, hi Rinkah, my name is Marjorie, not Kamui. you don’t know me MARJ

Rinkah: next time we meet, I will make you pay for this humilation!

Marj: I was hoping we could be friends tho

CALL ME SOFTHEARTED ALL U WANT ITS A COMPLIMENT. Marj already goin like “let’s please not fight i wanna plan for peace so i can travel and see all the cool things the world has to offer with a less risk of dying”

Yes i am indeed that sheltered Nohrian Princess who knows nothing of the world, what an apt description.

#emi plays gay fates #vip #chapter 2 down #so slow #pff

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shadowlink720 · 7 years

Text

FE: Birthright Randomised Prologue, Chapter 1 and Chapter 2

(aka ‘I can’t believe Shadow is freaking Dead’)

ok Are you ready for this? I’m sure not but let’s mcfreaking go I’m gonna go on a lot of tangents probably so please forgive me for that---

oooooooook so let’s see if this actually works (I haven’t actually tested it yet, but it loaded instead of hanging at a black screen so I’m assuming it does), let’s also see if it breaks the game or not b/c I’ve heard that Birthright can so therefore Conquest is more reliable but I never want to play Conquest ever again holy heck I don’t have a physical copy of Conquest ayyyy

But enough stalling! Let’s get right to it! Ah jeez I really want to give Corrin the really short hair I did when I branched off to Revelation but I want to keep the SYMBOLISM-

.... a lot of these pictures are gonna be squint ahah (also it’s Samurai b/c I need Astra lmao)

ok then let’s goooooo

I suppose I should be worried that the ‘No’ option doesn’t show properly but w/e (the button is blank lol)

........ Azura could you build the suspence any higher ahahahah;;;;;;

OH MY GOD IT WORKED

TAKUMI REPLACED HINOKA I’M GOING TO D I E And he’s a Diviner lmao no Fujin Yumi for u m8 I hope that the Ryoma and Takumi replacements can/will use Raijinto and Fujin Yumi lol ohhh my farore I am actually shaking aaaaahhh give me a minute ahahh--- this is so surreal is this actually happening I don’t even kno w ANYWAY

Takumi are you saying ‘How dare you!?’ to the Nohrian for trying to attack me or me for not knowing how to dodge-

also I’m going to skip enemy/ally phases so there aren’t any spoilers >:3c

ok I know it’s for stability’s sake, but Takumi with the Sky Knight class looks like he has short hair-

OH MY GOFD

woops I could have taken a better one uagiuagdfudgh RYOMA IS REPLACED WITH AZURA I’M DYI N G IT’S WORSE THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM NEXT TO ME WHO CAN PROBABLY HEAR MY LAUGHING THO HECK

ah yeah since it’s Birthright then the Nohrian siblings won’t get randomised for stability :V

wait Felici a is tAKUMI FELICIA IS TAKUMI WE DON’T NEED TO PLAY IT ANY FURTHER THIS IS THE PINNACLE HOLY HYLIA

ohhh my gosh Sakura is replaced with Mozu aaaaaahhhhh that’s adorable auhfiughdfysdgf

OH YM GOD

Ryoma is Yukimura I’m This playthrough is going to end me tbh---

I don’t think I’m ever going to get over Felicia being Takumi and Azura being Ryoma tbh holy heck

also I really hope Felicia turns out to be a class that can use bows so that she could possibly have Fujin Yumi idk how it works tho ahahahhhh;;;;;;

I’m not getting over this, I can’t wait to see more of Felicia being passive aggressive/throwing the extreme SALT around

Azura, Takumi just asked if u were alright, I don’t really think humming is gonna help u with answering him-

Azura, High Princess of NoChill-shido

aaaand more vanilla sibliings (I’m sorry, I didn’t have the courage to try to get Revelation to work-)

It’s at times like this when you realise just how different Hinoka and Takumi are when it comes to acting towards u at the start asfhiudfsiudh

WELP ANYWAY that concludes the Proloooogue, time to get right into Chapter 1 aaaaaah

also this is what I was talking about with the button being blank ahahahh;;;;

time to see Felicia and Jakob’s replacements ayyyy OH MY GOD

Felicia is now an Oni Savage Hana holy heck- JAKOB IS KAZE I’M GOING TO DI E

OH MY GOD Flora asked Hana if she’d help w/ waking Corrin up and Hana’s voiceline was just ‘No’ aioasdfudfhsudfs I think I’m going to do Chapter 2 as well seeing as basically nothing will be different this chapter b/c I ain’t doing Conquest ahahah;;;

I always seem to forget how tutorial heavy fe games are, but especially in Fates :’’’’D ayyyy first level up! ..... I only got hp! :’’’’’’’’D yikes that was an awful level up audgaiufhaduf do the growth rates change for Corrin? idek ahahah (no they don’t seem to)

anyway hope ur ready to Die, Xander if not then.................. well this is Birthright ayyyy lmao

aaanyway we don’t need to see this cutscene we’ve already seen it before many tiiiimes because it’s exactly the saaaaaaaaaame but there’s Leo with his inside out collar again lmao there’s a tag on it and everything that’s cute

You know what I realised the other day though??? A unit’s clothing can get ripped in this game, idk what causes it tho, probably getting low on HP, and it’s certainly not fixed magically w/ healing it’s a funny little detail idek

lmao bye Hana we won’t see u again for a whiiiile ahahh;;;;

onto Chapter 2! :D (I love this so far ngl, oh my Farore)

So! who are the Hoshidan prisoners!? >:D oh yeah we have to see Ganon- GARON, first asjhifadufa Dragon Veins, Ganglari, magic from Valla, yadda yadda yaddaaaaa PRISONERS!

..........oh my Farore-

Kaze don’t be mean >:V I mean.... yeah tea sounds great right now but THAT DOESN’T MATTER U were in their position once, in an alternate universe :Y

........................... Holy Hylia-

...... So does this mean I can call Jakob a grill he certainly does roast ppl a lot in the original-

WHAT ARE THE ODDS

THAT RINKAH REPLACES KAZE- it was really funny tho, when Corrin said ‘Huh? Have you heard of me?’ Rinkah just said nothing, but her mouth was open and her voice line was ‘What?’ so I’m just imagining her like ‘Bitch, I am Hurt’

yeah yeah Dragon Vein tutorial and all that I GET IT- Let’s look at Kaze’s stats and skills! >:D

...... Holy shit he’s a monster

His personal skill is Collector, which is super neat because hey! free stuff! :D He also has Seal Magic which could be good with his terrible less than stellar Resistance, and Good Fortune, which restores up to 20% HP EACH TURN, well.... based on his luck stat, which is..... pretty bad lmao- maybe he has a really good Luck stat growth idk (I peeked at the output file after having played the chapter and his stat growths are HP = 15, Str = 30, Mag = 35, Skill = 50, Spd = 25, Lck = 50, Def = 20, Res = 40, so yeah, pretty decent barring HP and Def haha;;;) But LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH HE’S A BEAST AND A C RANK IN SPEARS THAT’S FANTASTIC UGH- Kaze........ my man, I can’t wait to see what you can Heart Seal into it could probably be really cool, or..... pretty bad, idk anything could happen with this randomiser

I just realised how ironic his randomised class was; he went from a light, speed based Hoshidan class to a bulky, defence based Nohrian class ahahah;;;

but enough digressing! Let’s get started! >:D

....... Goddesses damn it Kaze, why do you have such an adorable laugh u’r gonna kill me- also don’t lie, you can’t use staves :V Anyway, I shouldn’t bother letting Gunter get experience because reasons, this is Birthright-

I’m just gonna end the turn without doing anything and see what happens, because I want them to still be paired up when they attack/still be on the healtile;;;

Rest in pieces, generic samurai.

Look at how quick these guys are to throw their lives away, how cute. Another level uuuuup 1 point to Speed and Luck, wow that’s.... not all that great, but I’m not going to have a lot of luck anyway so I should just take what I can get :V

Jakob no, it’s no use You have a club and your against a sword I mean yeah you survive but not for long m8

....... I hate to break it to ya, Jakob, buuuut

ah jeez, Corrin almost leveled up again-

Dammit Corrin, we could have finished it there and then if you had just HIT HER- no matter, she should be done now

Ayyy, level up for Kaze!

And it’s pretty darn good too! :V

I still can’t believe that Kaze replaces Jakob, like, they couldn’t be any different with how they treat people- I’m not complaining tho; means I get Kaze pretty early on >:3c ayyy he got Defence +2! :D

aww that’s the end of the Chapter ;;u;;

ooooh hey! Jakob’s a Nohr Prince and Rinkah’s a Spear Fighter! (That makes what Jakob said earlier even better lmao;;; ) I can’t wait to see Jakob turn into a mcfreaking DRAGON awwww yeeeaaaah >:3ccccc

oh yeah, Garon talking about ‘kill the Hoshidans!’ all that nonsense like, bruh. nah. I want a Nohr Prince and Spear Fighter, yo. it’s funny how Jakob still stands the way he does tho, but I can’t get a picture of it agusdasusfgha

ahhh, wheesht Xander, u idiot, you know more than anyone that there’s something definitely up with Garon and all that stuff with the vanilla Nohr siblings yadda yadda

Ok you can’t really see it, but there’s Jakob standing the way he usually does lol

Why u gotta be so r00000d it’s still oddly fitting that he’s in the place of Rinkah, tho; it’s like, what Jakob would act like towards Corrin if he hadn’t been their butler, albeit a little less passive aggressive :V

JAKOB I told u to STOP-

aww man, that’s the real end of the chapter

safjuhduhfsdufhasf I wanna play moooore but I shouldn’t make this go on too long ;;;;u;;;; So u can bet that I’ll keep going later hahahah;;;;

Sorry for the low quality images btw, I might look into getting a screenshot plugin at some point, idk I also don’t know how often I should do these, so if anyone who bothered to get this far could tell me what they would think would be best that would be really great :0

#Shadow plays randomised Fates #fire emblem #fe fates #fe 14 #fe: fates #fe randomised #fire emblem fates

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shadowlink720 · 7 years

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FE: Birthright Randomised Paralogues 13 and 14

(aka ‘I can no longer procrastinate on the plot’)

anyway let’s get the to last currently available paralogues :V

Paralogue 13 is Caeldori’s

hoo boi this’ll be interesting

ya know we never got to see much of Subaki’s personality when he joined in Birthright so this will be really interesting

oh, well it’s... still Caeldori?

Saizo that isn’t Kaze-

this feels so ooc holy heck-

saizo

SAIZO

again; not Kaze :’V

I never thought I would ever see Saizo say ‘jiffy’

anyway battle prep!

aaaaaaall righty, let’s get on with the chapter!

you forget that we have both Azura and Felicia, Saizo I’m pretty sure they could tank most if not all of the units here

ayy there she is I hope she’s showing as a sky knight for stability please tell me she didn’t literally stay as a sky knight because she just has to be flawless even though there can literally be no such thing otherwise such a concept wouldn’t exist-

We don’t really need it but sure

bECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE

if someone could be perfect then it wouldn’t exist something else would exist instead, which would be exactly the same as ‘perfection’, because it’ll always be unachievable

I’m getting too deep into this, sorry moving on

ya know I could say the same to you, Saizo

ok that not so much-

yeah she’s literally still a sky knight ok that’s fine She has In Extremis as a personal, which grants Crit +30 when she has less than 25% HP, holy heck She also has Swap, Renewal, Poison Strike and Magictaker huh and an extra free beast killer, I should trade that over to Takumi once he can use it Or Kaze, idk anyway she has pretty solid bases, too (Growths: HP - 25, Str - 15, Mag - 35, Skill - 40, Spd - 35, Lck - 35, Def - 55, Res - 45) (Heart Seal: Wyvern Rider and Ninja)

this guy’s gonna get wrecked

ok but No one can touch Takumi like literally all of these magic users are doing 0 damage if they can hit him at all

they’re already dead indeed

I wasn’t expecting her to get a crit but hey ho I’ll take it

wow Rinkah’s getting crits left and right :o

yIKES

well uhh another mage came along and finished her off o<o;;;; just as she got a big shield, too

oh my Farore Sakura finally got a higher tome proficiency--

this one’s for Rinkah, you shit

Fite me

oh hey, Caeldori levelled up

Wasted

wow that Boss was a bitch to fight

I should have had Setsuna up there to fight them because ya know SHE HAS 31 RESISTANCE AND 26 DEFENCE

rest in pieces, ya shitlord

I’m not going to bring up how that’s impossible again

well, I’d assume ppl have to be good in their first battle because otherwise they’re dead and that’s hardly ‘good’

actually fight me, Caeldori

see? no such thing as perfect

idk man, you could have given her an inferiority complex in the process

I will fight both of you

saizo, you’re fiiiiiiiine, stop worrying so much

right, let’s go to paralogue 14 and see who Silas’ kid is!

it’s Hisame ........... I can 100% see him yelling at Silas ‘IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD’

what does this look like, a murder scene? .... well I guess it could, actually

shit’s going down, that’s what, Silas

they’re just having a party, bro

he doesn’t have mcuh company and turned to creating soulless creatures for it ... poor guy

his favourite colour is vantablack, and he says it’s the closest colour to his soul

did he manage to get one of the spring event Heroes, tho? that is the question

wow

you really need to take some time to talk to him, Silas

well maybe your nightmares, not Hisame’s

ya know what? Maybe we should just leave Hisame to it he’s fine

all right, battle prep let’s goooo

let’s get rid of this bog fiiirst

ayyyy, Dragon Fang it’s great

it’s time to unleash the madness

>:3c

it’s dead indeed, Setsuna it’s very dead

another bog nullifiiied

I was wondering why this one Faceless seemed to have so much avoid when we’re both in the forest but it has Lancebreaker that explains a lot

it’s too bad you don’t have Bowbreaker, mATE and it was a crit, too

ok but his animation was really cool, he threw the lance up, caught in in mid air and just

it was great

well Hisame has some kind of Rally I can’t tell what though

he proc’d Dragon Fang again :’’’D

this guy has literally 0% chance of hitting me I love Swordmasters, man

and she got a criiiiiit

ok Takumi got another crit

it’s great

aaaaand 3rd bog neutralised

ok we can finally talk to Hisame

you haven’t mastered it until you can summon Amaterasu which you can’t because you need to fight the Anchorite of Light, who’s in the Kursta Archipelago and apparently hates their job sooooo :Y Or until you can cast Hresvelgr-Hresvelgr Rain, but that would require the Bishop and Wizard asterisks too-

beautifully hilarious, you mean

boi have you seen how much of a threat they are? the most damage they can do is like 4 HP, if they even HIT

that is true, however good thing there’s no fatigue system like there apparently was in Thracia 776 lol

I’m suddenly getting flashbacks of Resident Evil 7 Yeah no, Hisame I need to ask you to please Stop

please listen to your dad, Hisame

well obviously who do I look like; Mephilia?

aaall riiight let’s have a look at Hisameeee

ok, he’s another Nohr Prince, neat He has Fortunate Son as a personal, which means allies within 2 spaces get Ddg +15 and he gets Ddg +5, neat he also has Rally Defence, Air Superiority and Potent Potion I... guess Relief isn’t a skill that passes down ahahahah;;;; (Growths: HP - 35, Str - 25, Mag - 20, Skill - 60, Spd - 50, Lck - 30, Def - 40, Res - 5) (Heart Seal: Ninja and Wyvern Rider)