#I channeled all of my self loathing snd internalized ableism into him and his disability hc's

[dirtytransmasc]

please, talk more about Tsu'tey's disabilities. How does our brave (and very much alive) warrior cope?

so this is going on the observation that he was only shot in the upper-middle chest, and that he survived the fall due to hitting trees and brush on the way down. spoiler warning, he's so fucked up its not even funny, he means it when he says he wishes Jake just let him die.

first and foremost, he's got fibromyalgia, I don't make the rules (yes I do, and I'm projecting, cause if I have it, he can have it too). fibro is a chronic pain and fatigue caused by traumatic events on the body, mentally or physically, and is often found in soldier/warriors, people who have suffered traumatic injuries or infections, and people with ptsd; tsu'tey is 3 for 3.

this means he has widespread pain from the aching muscle pain to the stabbing of nerve pain, fatigue that makes functioning difficult, brain fog, stiffness, sensitivity (to light, sound, touch/pain, etc.), and mental health issues.

the damage to his lungs from taking multiple chest shots makes him more breathless than the fatigue did. he gets a lot of chest pain and dry coughing fits, and if he really pushes himself he tends to cough up blood (which really scares spider)

because his wounds got infected pretty horribly he has long-term immunocompromisation, and particularly lung sickness (especially due to the above).

the blood loss, tissue death, and muscle loss from the injury and bed rest equals more pain more weakness and more feeling like shit. his entire body was poorly oxygenated do to the blood loss meaning he suffers all sorts of organ issues, including brain damage. it's what makes the day to day so hard. being laid up in the infirmary caused all the muscle he had honed to be a good warrior and chief to die off. he lost so much of himself so quickly and it's something he can never truly gain back.

the fall also fucked him up, breaks and fractures to heal from, more trauma to his already haywire nervous system.

all of the above gives him horrible mobility and mental health issues; horrific, paralyzing depression, paired with insomnia, PTSD, nightmares, panic attacks. main problem is, he tries to push through his issues, trying to 'break past them' further breaking himself. he hates himself and his life, he hates his body and his mind. he hates everything. he doesn't do his physical therapy, he just tries to jump back into life like it was before the accident. he sinks to a depression that knows no match, he cycles through different forms of pushing himself to far, self harming as punishment, over and over again until he's more broken that he began. he doesn't cope, not for the first few years; he becomes a secluded bastard that hates everything.

that is until spider starts taking to him and he's forced to exist, to go slower, to have fun.

he starts wearing his respirator (it purifies air and offers a little bit of support to his lungs) when he needs it, cause the coughing makes the kid worry. he paces himself so the kid can keep up and so that way he has the energy to take care of him, protect him, even love him by a certain point. the kid serves as physical and occupational therapy, bringing tsu'tey out of the pit he dug himself into and lets him actually start healing. he has to train with weapons again, starting at the easy stuff, to train the kid. he has to show him the ropes of the forest slowly, building up in advancement, so the smaller human can keep up. he has to smile and indulge the kids need for play and affection, ultimately opening him back up.

as he attatches to the kid he finds himself worried about him, spider needed a positive role model, especially as spider started to understand his own limitations, disabilities, he didn't want spider to be anything like he had. so he starts letting people help him, if only fractionally, so he can start making himself someone spider can look up to.

when spider befriends the viperwolf tsu'tey ends up forming the "gruff disabled dad who didn't want the dog, but then they end up being friends and the dog helps him move cope with his disability" (I watched that happen between my dog and my grandpa and it's so sweet). he has to take the thing on walks (no he doesn't), needs to go out into the woods when spider doesn't come down from high camp to make sure it's ok (he also doesn't have to do that either), needs to give it company so it doesn't get lonely without spider (even tsu'tey knows he doesn't need to do that, sue him)

by the time spider is 16 and s trained warrior under tsu'tey, the man has healed as much as one can, it had been about 11 years of the two of them stuck together. tsu'tey is still very much disabled, but his minds in a better place about it, he stops trying to be who he was and rather who he can be now. he tries to be who spider needs him to be, because his opinions the only one that really matters anymore (Jake can go to hell [affectionate])

the one thing tsu'tey had truly lost to the war was his ability to love and have kids. he had sylwanin taken from him, his soulmate. he didn't want to be with neytiri but was willing to take her as his mate, but even she was taken from him. with no role in the village he was not mandated to mate, and he really had no interest. he didn't want someone who wasn't sylwanin, so he gave up on that and the prospect of children; even if the one thing he wanted in life was being a father. it killed him to let go of that dream, and he's sure that was part of why the depression got so bad. but now he had spider, his spirit child, and it saved his life.