#I don't actually know nicole and shirley but I like them

[peach-sea]

more mysims! alternate version of the first drawing under the cut

[chelbequeen]

I remember the first time I felt that rage bubble and I lost myself. I was very young. I think I was 4 going on 5. I remember because that summer I got my first bathing suit ever(a purple one piece with an anchor on the chest)from the very teacher that saved a me from myself and a little Spanish girl named Shirley from me.

I went to a daycare/daycamp/preschool/kindergarten/after-school program from the minute I was allowed in until 4th grade.

I loved that place. I learned so much there. So much about many things. That's where I discovered my love for the color purple and where I smashed my fingers and had to get stitches. (That's a whole other story, kind of funny) I loved it but I never had any friends there.

I don't know why the girls never liked me. The boys didn't play with girls so my only options were the girls. They never really let me play with them. And I was mostly okay with that sometimes. I played in the sandbox or read books by myself or with the teachers.

I remember this particular day though. All the girls were playing with barbie dolls. Like real barbie dolls the ones with the moving joints. I had only seen them at my cousins house up until then. My mother couldn't afford real barbie at the time. I barely got the dolls from the 99 cent store.

Anywho this day I decided I would be brave and ask the girls if I could play with them. Of course they said no. And I walked away crying because they also laughed at me for asking.

The teacher at the time was a Haitian young woman named Ms. Ot. She was kind,eclectic and had a presence that demanded respect. She had seen the interaction and intervened. Eventually the girls reluctantly apologized and agreed to let me play.

Here's what started my anger. When we settled to play and dolls were being assigned amongst us. Shirley of course was the leader followed by a girl named Nicole. They decided there weren't enough real barbies for everyone and that I had to play with the cheap barbie. The plastic one that didn't move. I said no and they said if you wanna play with us then you'll play with that doll. I was fuming and almost walked away until I heard Shirley tell me I looked like a witch. I calmly started speaking in creole gradually raising my voice as I started walking towards her with her backing up screaming that I was trying to put a curse on her.

I was almost on her when Ms Ot stepped in between us faced towards me bent down and put her hands on my shoulders and told all the other girls to put the dolls away and sit on the carpet on the other side of the room.

At first she just stared at me and I stared back with tears and snot streamlining down my face. When she finally spoke she said" I didn't know your creole was so good. If they had understood you we would be having a different talk. Words can be dangerous, you need to control your mouth and your actions.

All the words I had said started to come back to me. There are some things in creole you can't really translate in English. But I essentially told her that I was going break her skull and wash the walls with her blood after I devoured her and said her mother's womb could only produce dog shit and that's why she was dumb and fat. ...

And I probably would've fucked her up given the chance.

After that I told myself I would never let anyone make me that upset and it only happened 2 or 3 times since.

One of those times I bust a boys lip when I was 19. He took it pretty well. I was drunk and we had a miscommunication and I snapped. His friend actually saved him from worse damage cause he jumped inn and took some hits before he could grab my hands and tell me to calm down. He was the only reason I didn't do more damage, the only person big enough and strong enough to hold me back at that moment. And was he like damn girl you a real gangsta nobody wanna fight you. Chill the fuck out and smoke a blunt.

I don't drink 151 anymore. And I walk away when I feel myself getting that angry. Or I completely shutdown.