#I don't think dreams can be mass interpreted terribly easily but at this point I know what's what | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

david-watts · 10 months

Text

now that I am on a computer with a keyboard and not trying to use my blunt malformed arthritic-swollen fingers which I'm certain have some form of nerve damage after consistent frostnip for literal years. I had a very strange dream last night and I think it may be one of those dreams. the ones I remember for years. the ones where... I don't think I can explain that in public without a lot of people suddenly having another reason to hate me and want me committed

#after that time where my m*ther scrolled through my blog because I left it open... I can't admit a lot of things #of course I still overshare and am incredibly mentally ill of the flavour where I don't know anything's wrong #until I'm lucid again and go back and go 'the fuck am I on about'#I hesitate to even say what's wrong with me that's like. fairly confirmed at this point that I do have some sorta schizospec disorder #just in case I am faking it #which considering how removed I can be from some of my hallucinations it's a thought that often crosses me #and then I remember oh wait I'm not actually choosing to do this. I can't stop this from happening by just willing it to #people don't normally have full-flung conversations with people who aren't there or believe they're somewhere they're not #I don't think dreams can be mass interpreted terribly easily but at this point I know what's what #I can pick out what something means #I know full well that having multiple deep important dreams like the sort that this is where I'm a musician is. telling me something #which is upsetting since I don't think it's possible and I am terrified of being one of those musicians in the one or two pubs here that #have live music and being forty and gone nowhere with it #not because I think that's a bad thing. it's just the complete opposite of what I need to be #and I would be terribly sad if I just. ended here in a backwater with no scene at all #but I can see things. rapidly closing around me #I think the fact that I also used something someone provided me to hide from my family and visitors and then left #and one of those visitors finding me and having to hide and trying to die over and over again.#it's a bit. poetic? or just a deep parallel

1 note · View note