#I hope someone gets the groundhog’s day pun

[ask-lepori-dae]

A scare for his Life

Something about the last sunset he stared at wormed its way into the sleeping rabbit’s mind. He could faintly hear a child cheering him on, wind ruffling his hair... The sense he could fly to the heavens, or to rupture the earth below him. The warm glow of the sunset was warm on him. It lured him into a false sense of security.

“Lepori! We beat him again! ...But...He went into space this time. Does that mean he’s going to leave us alone finally?”

“I don’t know, kid. I wanna hope so... But he was smiling when he left. He probably had one more trick up his dirty ol’ sleeve.” The words naturally left his mouth without thinking in response to a familiar child’s voice.

“Well! We couldn’t find a way after him, so maybe he’s gonna bring his next bad robot down to us?” He remembered his hand being held and tugged.

He screamed out no mentally. But his memory acted against him. He looked back down at the pup, those golden eyes sparkling with hope. The eyes of the kid he let down.

His sweet, cheerful smile hurt Lepori so much.

Lepori woke with a start, gasping for air and sitting up in a cold sweat. He regretted sitting up so suddenly, though. His shoulder still hurt, and he was sure he caused his injury to bleed again. He looked over to where his partner usually was but...

“Max?” Lepori nervously called out.

His partner was staring at him with wide open, golden brown eyes. Fear, and disbelief. Like he had just witnessed a death. Lepori looked behind him, then back at the Lion who was now sitting up. He was definitely staring at Lepori. The rabbit felt intimidated. He wasn’t saying anything. He wasn’t touching him... It felt like a wall was suddenly between them!

“Max?? Max, buddy, what’s wrong? Don’t...Don’t look at me like that!” Lepori pleaded, his heart hurting. ‘Please, don’t leave me!’ crossed his mind. Was this a nightmare? But...He felt pain. He pulled his own hand away from the injury to look at the blood.

And that’s when he noticed.

His arms.

His arms were now brown. He had reverted back to the color he used to be. Back when he was a babysitter. Before Max. Before this life. Before he died.

Lepori’s face soon mimicked Max’s fearful, wide eyed face. Was it going to happen again? Was he going to die? Was this the day he died before?

How old was he when he died? What day was it? It’s morning. Is this the day he dies? Is it just the chaos magic wearing off? Or is it a sign he’s about to vanish completely? He’s heard of those things happening. Max has talked about it too. But he never assumed that would be the way he’d go! Is he going to go back in time again? Is this groundhog day? 

He didn’t notice himself, but he started hyperventilating. He was seeing stars,and he couldn’t focus. His own tears felt so hot on his cheeks. He didn’t want to die! He was finally making more friends! It felt so good! He wants to live!

Lepori soon snapped out of it when some rather large fingers pinched his grey’d cheeks. He stared at Max, who still seemed scared, but seemed more scared of seeing his friend panic like that. After sure Lepori was at least able to understand he was there, he gently embraced the injured, now beige rabbit.

“Lepori...You’re not going to die. Or disappear. You’re going to stay here in my arms for as long as you need to. You’re my lil’ buddy, right?” Max cooed out gently to the terrified, paranoid lump that was cowering against him.

“I...I am your lil’ buddy...Yeah. I ain’t gonna...Die.” Lepori shuddered out, teeth clacking.

“Yeah...If you want to, you can stay here all day with me. We can close shop for the day, take a sick day, yeah? Or we can go on, like you’re still you. You ARE still you.” Max’s voice wrapped around Lepori’s head, bringing him into his own little world of comfort.

Nobody but Max. And he’s okay with that. He just clung to the other, taking his breaths slowly. Deciding on what to do and taking his dear sweet time while doing it.

“I think...I want to try to carry on with my day. I did make a promise to someone to deliver something. And it would look bad if we couldn’t keep a small promise if we are just having a bad HARE day, right?” Lepori weakly laughed at his own pun.

Max stared down at him, before letting a gentle rumble of laughter escape him. “You’re right, Leppy. But if you ever need to take a break, please. Take it. Now...If you’d like, I can help get you ready for the day?”

Lepori stared up at the lion, considering his offer. He attempted to move his injured arm, but it wasn’t having any of that. 

“That...Would be real swell, Max.” The beige rabbit managed to offer Max a smile. A tearful smile.

[aion-rsa]

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 4 Review: Treehouse of Horror XXXI

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This The Simpsons review contains spoilers.

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 4

Halloween is the special time for many series, giving them the chance to throw logic and canon out the window to plumb the fantastic for fearful flights. But The Simpsons season 32, episode 4, “Treehouse of Horror XXXI” opens with the scariest of all fantasias: Reality.

The episode begins a short while after Halloween on what looks to be the most frightening day in recent memory, the upcoming election between Trump/Putin and Someone/Anyone. The sequence includes a list of reasons to vote against Trump (Made it okay to shoot hibernating bears, put children in cages, called Mexicans rapists, imitated disabled reporter, looks lousy in a tennis outfit, can’t get wife to hold hands, called third world countries **** holes, called Tim Cook ‘Tim Apple’ …). Each more surrealistically real than the last. The list is long, so long you can’t make them all out during the crawl. They are detailed, amazing, includes one that is made up, and thorough. Homer’s commentary is priceless. But so are the rest of the political barbs in the pre-segment, such as when a heavily medicated octogenarian tells a potential voter he needs two forms of ID. “Twelve if you’re a Democrat.”

The opening segment isn’t all blatant politicking. Some of it is strictly silly. Homer understands and knows where he stands on all the judges and propositions, but when it comes to the presidency, he can’t pick. It’s not like he has to choose between beer, pretzels and donuts. Of course, the dire predictions of doom are slightly exaggerated in the animated, and Halloween-infused, world of “Treehouse of Horrors,” but it’s probably scarier than the entire season of The Walking Dead: World Beyond. The rest of the episode plays it for laughs.

Toy Gory

The first segment is a parody of the children’s classic Toy Story. Marge is a loving mom, giving Bart his last moments with his toys before he gives them away to charity. But we learn from the cleverly worded and Disney-sonic opening song this is not a kid who plays well with others, breathing or plastic. “You put a dent in me, you broke my head in three,” a sorrowful and scornful Randy Newman knockoff sings in a throaty nasal. Bart is apparently the rotten kid next door in this tale. Is it any wonder, though? His new Radioactive Man action figure comes with real radioactivity. The Simpsons likes to play with the after effects of atomic energy. The box warns about keeping the toy away from users’ scrotums, Abe thinks he left his in his other pants and Homer’s had a long history with the atomic effect.

Speaking of effects, the imagination captures the 1995-era computer-animated look and feel of Toy Story with subversive intent. Krusty the Clown, Bart’s most beloved toy one imagines, is the Woody in this. He is also the one who fosters dissent and leads the revolution. Ultimately, Bart becomes the perfect toy owner, but it’s not exactly a happy ending. Dr. Hibbert’s X-ray of Bart comes straight out of the Operation game. Hibbert explains Bart’s bones are Tinker toys. He has a Build-A-Bear heart and his brain is pop rocks and silly putty. He also has tennis elbow, hoof in mouth, frog in throat and is limited to only one semicolon. Not only that, he now stoically appreciates bad puns like “Don’t ask, don’t Mattel.” The Simpson family lost Bart at “I love you” and the message of the segment is don’t buy toys. It is perfectly chilling.

Into the Homer-Verse

The Simpsons go full on Homer-Barbera for this tough-loving tribute to the classic cartoon studio. A search for Halloween candy leads Homer on a hunt through the nuclear plant in search of giveaways sweeter than Advil. The bit where Homer is actually going through all the N&Ns and Rhesus snacks on his desk is a highlight, reminiscent of when Elaine ate a centuries-old, and terribly expensive, wedding cake on Seinfeld. Burns, who has Hansel and Gretel caged in a secret lab, prefers his snacks stringy and tough, so there wouldn’t be any sweets there. While he doesn’t find candy, Homer does cause a quantum flash of celestial energy which bursts a hole into an unstable universe, one where no one knows what a Murgatroyd is. The other realm is filled with cartoon Homers, from his Snaggle Puss counterpart through his noir version to a gaming animation pixilation. Disney Princess Homer brings new tonal beauty to the word “d’oh.” It sounds confusing, until Lisa sings it.

The best exchange of the Homer-Verse is when Homer walks past security in a restricted area. The guard says no one is allowed back there. When Homer asks what the guard is doing back there, logic and tasers go flying. It is a surrealistic solution to an abstract problem. The Krustyburger solution of having to find “other sources of meat” to contend with the six new, and hungry hungry Homers is equally surreal, but far crueler, which makes it just as funny. Until Gil gets there and you realize someone might lose their lunch.

“Eat the bacon, victory is mine,” we hear as Japanese Anime Homer sits down with the rest of the misplaced beings to a hearty breakfast. It is a very short segment but exquisitely executed. The Homers overwhelm Marge’s kitchen and threaten the delicate balance of interdimensional relationships. The portal they opened also affects labor relationships as the Burnsiverse knows where to get cheap, undocumented labor and the Smithersverse takes copious notes. Each of the Homers will die over and over again, which isn’t a horrible problem, except they will also die again. Lisa, of course, solves the problem using Harlon Ellison’s law of circular storytelling, as the episode exits, stage left, to run a circular saw over the same premise from a different angle.

Be Nine, Rewind

The Groundhog Day sendup begins with Harry Nilsson’s “Gotta Get Up,” the song, which was also featured in Russian Doll, grows more frantic as days and things get pounded like so many bubbling waves. It’s Lisa’s 9th birthday and she’s not sure if she’s ready to be halfway to adulthood. She doesn’t even want to put “Night Night Moon” in the hand-me-down box. The box is for Bart, who is actually ahead of Lisa in school, making it an eye-roller of a bit. Everything is fine until Homer steals frosting from the birthday cake with his finger. The many deaths of Lisa which follow are a tour de farce. Almost every line and sight gag builds on the ones before it, although the most specifically funny death involves a vanity mirror and is both the most and least expected of the lot. It is a millisecond of comic transcendence.

That can’t be said for Krusty’s balloon animals: a cigar, a snake, a worm and a 2×4. He gives out the same unimaginative throwaways at every party, and most Krustyburger grand openings. It’s a running gag that his jokes are all stolen, so feel free to read into the clown’s less than stellar performance. The closing scenario is the most hopeful. Probably just because we lose Gil, again, during it. He generously gives Patty a great set up. He kills a kid on the road test for his driver’s license. He’d better make it up on the written portion. It’s funny because, in many states, it’s relatable enough to be true.

The Simpsons season 32 has been offering consistently satisfying episodes of straight and subversive humor. “Treehouse of Horror XXXI” is the best of the season so far, but the Treehouses are always season highlights, and more reliably than Christmas episodes. No character is safe on Halloween. You can kill Gil as many times as you like. The Simpsons always packs a devilishly delicious trick or treat bag, with nothing so frightening as razor-blade-concealing apples, or anything else remotely nutritious. The opening segment is a political thriller, but the segments themselves are classic comedy.

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[allezelizabeth]

Carnival Cruise Lines : My First (and Last) Time Cruising

"I don't wanna be the one, but I'm gonna be the one"  -- Aja the Kween

Boarding/Deboarding: What to Expect

Your trip will start outside in the Miami heat, which comes with a nice kick of humidity. You can either give your bags to a porter who will toss it with the rest of the bags or you can bring them on yourself.  I suggest you take them with you.  Next, prepare for the checkpoint lines and for the love of all that's holy and sacred  HAVE YOUR DOCUMENTS (e.g., boarding passes and passport) READY! Don't worry about your liquids (unless it's water and alcohol), it's simply to check for weapons and such. Something I wish I knew before hand:

Each adult (21+) can bring one unopened bottle of wine.

Each person can bring 12 cans of soda or any non-alcoholic drinks that do not exceed 12 oz as long as they are not opened.

You can find their liquor and beverage policy here. 

Once you get through, you'll need to get into another line to check in where you will drop off the health questionnaire and receive your Sail and Sign Card. This card is linked to your credit card on file and is also your key. DON'T LOSE IT! Then, just like boarding a plane, you'll need to wait for your group number to get called. There will be an area where you can take your picture before boarding. Have fun, take silly ones, or keep it moving. It's completely up to you. We took pictures, but didn't buy them. Don't worry there will be plenty of opportunities to take pictures.

Also, when you are docked at a port be prepared to show your Sail and Sign Card when getting off the ship, to get back on the ship and to get back into the port should you leave for an excursion. Pay attention to ship time, otherwise you are risking living at the port forever. I always bring a watch with me and this time (haha, no pun intended) it helped us since you can't trust your cell phone with this one. The location time and ship time are not the same! At Amber Cove we had to wait about 20 minutes for people who lost track of time. Don't be that guy or gal.

Your Stateroom: The Balcony is the BEST

Once you have located your room, check to ensure that all things are working. If something isn't right, call Guest Services right away or let your stateroom steward know. On the counter there should be a 'Welcome Aboard' packet. Take the time to read through it, since it will answer most of your questions. Here's what your packet will probably look like.

If you are going to book a room, get one with a balcony. We had two twin beds, a small loveseat and coffee table in our room, but add two people and some luggage, and it starts to feel tiny. When I felt stressed out, I would just go outside do some yoga or chill and eat. I spent plenty of time out there thinking, relaxing, and just existing. I brought a bluetooth speaker with me (here's the model) to kick out some jams. You might meet someone, too. Our next door neighbor introduced herself by sticking her head out into our balcony and greeting us with a smile. 

Planning to sit in your room and watch TV, just skip it.  There's CNN, some ship channels that show you the location of the ship, a live feed of the deck, shopping, and some cartoons. Blah.

Onboard 'Activities'

Just writing about the activities (or lack thereof) makes me angry. I waited for something to wow me, something that screamed, "OMG, if you don't do this, you will regret it." Sadly, it never happened. I was starting to feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog's Day. My friend received a coupon for the spa with a laughable discount. We did attend a comedy show the last night at sea which was pretty good. Did I tell you this was a 5-day cruise?

Each day, the housekeeping staff you will leave a pamphlet with what you need to know for the following day. I should have known what to expect when the 'top' entertainment is a selfie challenge, NFL football and half off at the arcade. You can  download the full brochures here:

Sunday, January 21st - Welcome Aboard

Monday, January 22nd - A Fun Day at Sea

Tuesday, January 23nd - A Fun Day At Sea

Wednesday, January 24th - Grand Turk

Thursday, January 25th - Amber Cove

We went to the club a few nights and the DJ couldn't mix Nesquik into milk if he wanted. The music selection was all over the place. No wonder the dance floor was empty most nights. We tried the comedy club only to leave the first time around because the comedian was telling awful Dad jokes. To add insult to injury, our piña coladas were overpriced pineapple juice. Both my friend and I were looking forward to the Mega Deck Party. After spending an hour getting dolled up, we walked right into line dancing with one of the crew members yelling out dance moves into the crowd. I posted the video to my IG account. 

What to Eat? 

Let me start off by saying that if you hate buffets, you're going to hate the cafeteria. As with many buffets there are many unknowns. An item can look delicious, and end up being the grossest thing you have ever tasted. Looks are quite deceiving and trying to guess which one won't make your stomach do somersaults can get frustrating after a while. If I had to grade the buffet food, I would say D, the lowest passing grade. I couldn't give it an F, because I did have some good food items. Notice I didn't say MEALS? I think the final straw for me was when I was looking forward to an event they called 'Chocolate Extravaganza'. 

Narrator: It was not a chocolate extravaganza.

The menu does change daily.  One day you might have an American food buffet and the next it might be French. Still, pretty much ass cheeks though. 

There are other 'restaurants' that you can choose from, but we only tried Guy's Burger Joint. Some cost extra, for example the sushi and coffee bars. I skipped the Chinese spot because I really have to be in the mood for Chinese food. The Mexican place was American-style Mexican food. A bit insulting to call it Mexican food. If I had seen one more fucking taco salad bowl, I was going to seriously lose my shit.

In the dining room (look at your Sail and Sign Card to see your assigned dining room), I remember having entrees and appetizers that were decent.  Once in a while something would be really good and we'd spent the rest of the evening talking about it. Get an appetizer, hell get several! The beauty of sharing a meal with someone is that you can create your own buffet. Look closely at the right side of the menu, you might find that the menu options correspond to the ports of call.  After Amber Cove, mangu was available as an appetizer. Also, try at least one exotic food.  There will always be one item on the menu if you're a bit more adventureous. We had braised rabbit, escargot, and frog legs. The latter being my least favorite because someone in the kitchen went a little crazy with the salt.

Room service is going to save you for continental breakfast (housekeeping will leave you a form) and food after 10pm. Think deli food. I had mostly sandwiches, salads, and chocolate cake (yes, the same one from the cafeteria. It's that good). The menu is split in two as some items are only available before/after 10pm. There are things like chicken wings and even a donut sandwich for those late night munchies. Prices go up after 10pm, but still are moderately priced. Generally in the $5 to $10 range. To avoid the added surcharge, I would order cold food at about 9pm and keep it in the mini fridge. That way I had something to eat when I returned to the room.  However, skip the pizza.  It's the same pizza you can get for free from the 24 hour pizzeria located on the top deck. I'll save you the trouble though. The pizza tastes like wet cardboard slathered with ketchup. You're welcome.

Speaking of 24 hour food options, the soft serve machine. Not the best I've had, but it did it's job and cooled me off. After a few drinks, nothing beats a chocolate soft serve on a cake cone. 

The Whirling World of Gratuities

I suggest you download the Carnival HUB App before you board and check your balance at the end of the evening. 

The person who booked the trip paid gratuities upfront and I thought that included beverages. This doesn't seem to be the case, although Carnival doesn't really explain it either way.  According to the Carnival web site:

"For beverage purchases, an automatic 15% gratuity will be added to the bill and the charges will be applied directly to the guest's Sail & Sign account. An automatic 15% gratuity will be added to the cover charge of the Chef’s Table and the charges will be applied directly to the guest’s Sail & Sign account. Room Service staff may be tipped as service is rendered."

In other words, you can leave a tip, on top of whatever gratuities are already tacked on (shown in red). I mean would you leave a $5 tip on $10 drink? I guess I did and it adds up. Also, the gratituities don't extend to the food ordered through room service.  So how is someone supposed to know this until they are disputing a charge?

While doing laundry, a woman was visibly upset when Carnival allowed her 14 year old daughter to charge around $200 on her own Sail and Sign Card. She had placed a hold in hopes to avoid the headache which was obviously ignored. Aside from the gratuities, my only gripe was when a charge for $8.63 (that's $7.50 for two 1.5 liter water bottles and a $1.13 tip) appeared on my account.  The water bottles were on the counter unopened. I took a picture and went to sort the thing out at Guest Services. It isn't the thing you want to do on the last day at sea. The line wasn't too long, but there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't see people visit Guest Services to air their grievances about something. There was a kiosk that was supposed to alleviate the clusterfuck of people, but the user interface was so bad that many left more frustrated. Not a good look.

Why I would NEVER book a cruise again: A not-so-quick rant

First of all, the boarding process was a mess.  I don't care to go through a TSA style checkpoint after leaving the airport. I don't know about you, but I'd like to get my vacation going ASAP. Additonally, I don't want to have to deal with rude staff members, followed by a scripted apology AND a sales pitch. 

The goodies: a 12-pack of bottled water. 

As mentioned in Cruising 101: What You Should Know Before You Book Your First Cruise, there were too many misses for me to call this a budget-friendly trip. I didn't expect to have to go to Target (which you know I love to pieces) to grab items before boarding. I also didn't expect gratuities being added to drinks after my friend who booked the trip paid for gratuities up front. The rooms are small (unless you get a suite of course); therefore, ship activities are all you have when you are out at sea.  If those are not up to par, you end up walking around the ship frustrated as hell. I don't want to do things that I can do back home at the mall (e.g., Build-A-Bear Workshop) or feel like I'm in Branson, Missouri. I feel Carnival dropped the ball here. If I could offer a suggestion it would be to have wide range of activities suitable for different age brackets. While some like to gamble, others want to dance or eat great food. It's nice to have a gym and spa, but those are not activities worthy of the $700 price tag. Back home that's a trip to the local 24 Hour Fitness. A second suggestion would be that if a ship has been docked for a while, it needs to pass the CarMax Quality Certified checklist. My friend and I often wonder about the folks who got our stateroom after us. 

To boot, only having a pair of hours to explore a place isn't really what I'm trying to do. When we docked at Grand Turk Island (Cockburn Town), all I could see was a block of overpriced shops. BORING. I rarely use that word, but goodness gracious! It was so hot we spent our time beneath a canopy.  By the time we went to check out the taxis, we didn't have enough time to tour the rest of the town. I can't pin that on one Carnival. According to several people who had taken the plunge, the taxi ride averaged $5. While many were happy to have done it, they also saw the devastation from Hurricane Irma. My friend wanted to check out the spa services and we ended up back on the boat early.  Disappointing. 

In the next port, Amber Cove we did go into Puerto Plata proper, but it was EXPENSIVE ($60 round trip for two people. I guess my Spanish got us a $20 discount.) and we were at the mercy of the taxi driver who was part of a network of merchants. He was personable, so it was hard to knock his hustle. The conversation was lively and we got a glimpse of his personal life. I mean how often do you get the family album while riding through the D.R.?

Our first stop was a plaza in Puerto Plata where we were taken into a church and given a tour. We found it filled with other tourists who were stuck, too. After a 15-minute 'tour,' the guide puts his hand out and asked for a tip. No more Mr. Courteous. He wants to get paid. This type of transaction was repeated a few more times.

At the Fortaleza San Felipe, we were conveniently parked in front of souvenir vendors. These ones were pushy, too. I just walked away. 

While going up a mountain to see a view of the city, a woman suddenly appears asking us to go to her store to buy souvenirs. The driver informs her we are not there to shop and she leaves.

Then we were dropped off at a restaurant near the beach. The place doesn't look like much and there were other taxi drivers hanging out. The food was decent and we did enjoy the beach, but at $32 (had I used my credit card they would have charged me $41) for mofongo, two Cokes, and some chicken wings it was pretty basic. Those are Los Angeles prices!

Imagine if we had taken his offer to go to the rum and chocolate factories? $$$ To put this into perspective, I spent less money on a day trip to Giverny from Paris, which included lunch, a ticket to Monet's Gardens, AND the shuttle. 

Are you a staunch solo traveler who loves to create their own adventures? This could be a hit or miss. With that said, it was hard for me to rewire my brain. From allowing someone to book the trip to sharing a space, having a set meal time and having limited options, it was a bit overwhelming for someone who is like the wind. My tolerance for inefficiency, bad food, and overpriced anything is nonexistent. Being stuck on a ship with not enough to do killed the travel vibe almost completely. I'm too much of an adventurer to ever want to travel like this again. Seriously, if any of my friends and family members are reading this:

Understand that my travel style is different than yours. I travel to LEARN about the world. My souvenirs are the experiences and memories I create along the way. Imposing any limits on me will not work in your favor.

Which brings me to my final point: Sustainability and eco-tourism.

I'm always looking for ways to reduce my carbon footprint, at home and while traveling. I don't want my vacation to do more harm than good. Cruise ships pollute our beautiful blue orb. Do your research. Here, I'll give you a head start.

Cruise Ship Report Card by Friends of the Earth

  Glimmers of Hope: When Good Times Happen

I must admit I did enjoy one thing: the people. Don't get me wrong, we came across a group of folks who wanted to drive their political beliefs through our heads, even so, they were only one interaction out of many. For the most part, you will meet people from all walks of life. As an aspiring polyglot, speaking to the crew members was probably what salvaged the trip.  I met people from Croatia, Ukraine, Philippines, St. Lucia, Thailand, Indonesia, Greece, India, and the list goes on. When time permitted, I would ask them to teach me simple phrases like 'Hello' and 'Thank you'. Their eyes would light up and soon enough we were on a first name basis. I started to learn things about culture and to an extent their backstory.  It doesn't end with the crew, however. Sometimes sitting next to a group of people sparks up a conversation.

"Wow, that looks delicious. What are you having?"

On the last day at sea, we met some colorful characters at the laundry room. I still remember that delicious ill-gotten pineapple rum. At the Alchemy Bar, Nikola prepared a mean old-fashioned which he lit up Flaming Moe Style. He wasn't as chatty because he was busy, but his facial expressions were gold. One night after dinner we walked into a Motown 'name that tune' contest. We sung our little asses off! Our next door neighbor was a sassy woman of Cuban and Dominican descent. Her laugh was contagious. 

Whew! That was exhausting! Looks like I'll be planning another getaway soon. It isn't a good sign, when you need a vacation from your vacation. I do miss that 24 hour soft serve machine though.

PIN ME!

[thingswhatihave-blog]

Duolingo: A Review

With an accent thicker than Gemma Collins, it’s fair to say that I don’t have the most legible standard of elocution. Scotland has its own colloquial style, words like ‘aye’, ‘naw’ and ‘bawbag’ are ingrained on every child almost after birth - the only thing more stereotypical would be signing birth certificates in the font 'Deep-fried Calibri'.

Each weekday I have 30 minutes of walking time to get to work, which to the scientists among us means one hour a day there and back. Rather than using this time trying to make puns for Instagram, I thought it might be beneficial to review the world of language apps, and learn some phrases that I can use to impress my bilingual colleagues in the process. There’s something inherently lovely about having someone take the time to learn how to communicate with you in your own language; I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when your scissors glide through the wrapping paper, or when you cover your hand in PVA glue and manage to peel it off in one go. When you do have PVA glue on your hand, it's always good to remember that if you hide in the supply cupboard, close your eyes and play with yourself, it feels like someone else is doing it for you. More often than not, that someone is actually your art teacher, and that glue was not PVA.

Like the box of celebrations, there are few preferred candidates for my new language. I’ve already ruled out French and Spanish; very much the bitesize Mars and Snickers of the group - if they were a hummus flavour, they would be hummus, and I'm holding out for at least red pepper. Let's also rule out the obscure modern-day hieroglyphics of Japanese and Cantonese, and keep both Mandarin and Danish for the breakfast buffet. German is just the wurst, and if I wave my hands about while using the words ‘bibbiti’, ‘babbiti’ boopiti’, I've practically mastered the basics of Italian.

This process of elimination brings me nicely to the peri-peri of the hummus world: Portuguese.  I have been to Portugal once and can’t say I remember much of the experience, but being an attractive blonde child at the time, I'm glad my parents took me along to each trip to the resort restaurant. While the UK is credited with the telephone and electricity, and USA has 5-gallon cup holders, Portugal comes in strongly having provided us with the world's best footballer and infamous first date venues for virgins. Language chosen, it's time for the night off. 

Day 1

I opted to use the Duolingo app for this learning curve, mainly because it was free, and at the top of the list on the app store. There were 23 languages to choose from on the landing page, fittingly representing something of a word buffet. Lucky for them I am hungry to learn. And, also just actually hungry. Sticking with Portuguese as my first choice, I set my daily goal at 10 minutes, and was immediately put to task on deciphering words I had never seen before. My first five minutes were spent confirming the genders of various characters, which would probably offend 90% of the millennial population considering I wasn’t given the Portuguese for ‘non-binary’. Despite constantly getting confused with the phrases ‘a woman’ and ‘the woman’, I someone managed to become ‘10% fluent in Portuguese’ after five minutes, which can only be an insult to this great peri-peri nation.

Day 2

I cracked on to the next lesson, keen to evolve this current lemon & herb-esc experience into something a little more spicy. Thanks to my disappointing aesthetic, I've never been used to hand-holding, but this app has already sent me 2 reminders to get back into learning; like every woman at comic-con, I'm beginning to understand the warmth one feels from continuous attention.

With questions like 'which of these is the apple?', I am a little dubious about the authenticity of yesterday's 10% certificate. It's a little like being told your new stepdad is a famous TV celebrity, and opening the door to Barry Chuckle the next day for dinner. I just hope when I reach the milestone of 15% it'll numb the feeling of hearing him shouting "to me, to you" from the master bedroom. 

Today's ten minutes of Portuguese education came in the form of trying to pair vowels. A desperate activity, of which I imagine only the members of the Welsh scrabble society can empathise with. The big learning I have taken away from today is that 'ele' is reserved for males, and 'ela', unsurprisingly, for females. Not only this, but thanks to the laws of repetition, when I hear the word 'menino' I'll now think 'boy', and 'menina' I think girl. It's important at this stage to ensure that you have the UK version of this app; if you've downloaded the USA software then either word just seems to translates into 'deport'.

Day 6

So, it seems that despite my understanding of the male and female vowels, I am still struggling to decipher them correctly, and have now been stuck on level three for three days. A little practice each morning has quickly resulted in me running out of 'health' each time, and taking me back to the start. It's a little like Groundhog Day if you were part of a primary school lesson; soon enough I'll be able to step over that puddle.

Day 7

After the success of day one, I'm a little underwhelmed at my performance, and now know what each of my previous girlfriends were on about. The first lessons were all multiple choice and word-based, but when it comes to the audio on level 3, I just fall at the first hurdle. It looks like I can walk the walk, but just can't do oral. Coming from Scotland, there are two reasons that I have a policy of not paying for education where possible. Firstly, because it's free in our great country and secondly because I live in London; where sleeping-in is encouraged because it means you need only pay for 2 meals a day. So, when the option arose to continue my learning progress by 'buying health' I immediately switched off. It may well have been a good deal in the long run, but I'm hardly going to let go of a hard-worked 69p to be able to choose between pronouns.

It was this sobering realisation, that here, on day 7, I now accept I actually don’t care about learning a new language to the point of actually going through with it. Akin to Romeo's love for love, I find myself wanting the prestige of having new skills, but not yet ready to take the plunge into actually working for it, or paying for another chance. Alas, at 16.00 on Sunday, the time has come for us to part. With Duolingo motionless and silent beside me, the decision is made. With a steady hand, I select the app until it shakes, and move to the last page on my iPhone. The poison has been drunk, it's over.

And oh, so fitting of dear Romeo, as soon as the poison doth touched thine lips, she soon awoke from her deep sleep with a notification, 'full life restored'.

My recommend: 4/10 - date a foreigner instead.