#I'm also not here for something someone made just to beat their meat to y'know?

[nyssasorbit]

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[longingfreesia]

bury it in mine | ao3 mirror

raven and ciel try to set up a nice date, and end up with a bit more than they expected. wc 4291

note: i just think these two being happy and in love and learning to heal together is neat.

Ciel is washing up, and says, “I have a date tonight.”

Lu rolls her eyes. “Why are you telling me?”

Ciel takes her plate from in front of her (it’s already practically clean with how she eats) and smiles. “Because, I don’t want you trying to communicate with me and hearing us.”

“Why would I care?” She says, pouting.

“Well, I guess you wouldn’t. I guess you would just love to hear me talking to my sweetums.” He puts a sickening emphasis on the last word and Lu sticks her finger in her mouth, gagging exaggeratedly.

“You’re gross.”

“What, you don’t wanna see me and my darling peaches? My pumpkin sweetie pie? My little cuddle muffinー“

“Uuugh, okay, okay, stop it!” Lu whines, shaking her head with her hands over her ears. “I won’t snoop!” Ciel chuckles as he sorts the dishes into their place in the cabinets. Lu knows he’s won this round, and blows a raspberry at him as he pulls his chair out from their table.

...

Several hours pass. Ciel is more anxious than usual.

“That must be the third time you've checked the kitchen. What's got you so worked up?” Lu asks, boredom hanging on her words.

“It's a very special night! I have to make sure everything is perfect!” Ciel replies, stopping only for a moment to do so.

Lu scoffs. “Of course it's going to be perfect. You're the host, after all.”

Ciel stops once again to lean back into the doorframe and go ‘aaawwww, luuuu…’ in a way that makes her pout and him grin.

“You're a good kid, y'know?”

“Yeah, I would be if I were actually a kid.”

Ciel smiles, and slides into his spot at the table. “Maybe you're right. I shouldn't worry so much…”

“Duh! He gets all doofy whenever he's around you, he'll definitely be happy.”

Ciel turns to look at her, almost dumbfounded and it clearly evident on his face, and she feels smug. Tonight should be fun.

...

Ciel jumps up when Lu loudly announces she can tell Raven is outside.

“You're acting like a teenager.”

Ciel shushes her. She crosses her arms and he gives up.

He opens the door, and gasps softly.

“Ah, is it bad?” Raven asks. “I'm… not good with formal wear, so I didn't…”

“No, no, it's fine! More than fine! You look stunning.” Lu rolls her eyes behind him. Her butler was so easy to impress when it came to men. Raven had big muscles! So what!

Raven looks down sheepishly, and Ciel nearly melts. He's so cute. “...Thank you.”

“Oh! Come in. I've got something going already, but Lu isーLu!”

“What!”

Ciels voice is hushed but frantic as he rushes over to her. “You said you'd goー”

“And I will. After I get whatever you're making.”

Ciel groans. Lu has donned a smug face she hasn't in a while, and he knows this is payback. “Fine. Just behave.”

Lu smirks, and Raven chuckles. Ciel startles, having momentarily forgotten he came in. “You two get along well.”

Lu sticks her tongue out at him. This is going well.

“I need to go check on the foodーI'll be back as soon as possible, okay?” Ciel says. Both of them nod, and he leaves for the kitchen.

Lu immediately stares Raven down with an intensity he didn't know eleven-year-olds could have.

“Go ahead, sit.” She says, but it feels almost like a threat. He does as she says anyway.

“Have… I done something wrong?” He asks.

“No. The opposite… so far.” She says, kicking her legs back and forth under the table. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“About?”

“Ciel, what else?”

“Oh… of course.”

Lu ‘hmph’s and crosses her arms. “Listen to me well when I say this,” she starts, attempting to take on the regal voice she did so long ago, “Ciel is my royal butler. If you hurt him in any way shape or form, I'll have no choice but to get rid of you for good.” She narrows her eyes at him. “Got it?” She adds, punctuating it with a stomp of her foot. Raven blinks.

“Y… yes ma'am.”

“Good!” She exclaims. Then, after a moment of silence, “He cares an awful lot about you. I've only seen him get that look in his eyes about… someone… else important to him. He'll... tell you that on his own time, I think. But, the point is… you must be reaaal special for him to think of you like that. So just don't screw it up, okay? I can't have my butler with a broken heart.” Her tone is somewhat playful, but her face betrays her genuinity.

Raven isn't sure what to say, but for “Of course. I'd never dream of it.” That was the answer, yes, but the rest of what she saidーreally? Ciel thought that highly of him? It was… It was…

Lu scrutinizes him under her gaze a moment longer, then beams. “I'm gonna go to bed.”

“Hm? I thought you wanted the dinner Ciel is making.”

“That? Well… Maybe, but he asked me not to snoop. I'm a woman of my word, you know. I just needed to make sure you knew your place.” She smirks. “Hey, pinky promise?”

“Pi…” His confused expression shifts to a gentle smile. She really was a kid, wasn’t she? “Sure.”

Lu hooks their pinkies together and shakes his arm as hard as her little arm can, then skips off somewhere up a short flight of stairs.

Raven finds himself uneasy, for some reason.

One, he figures, likely being Lus near-threatening, another being… simply not knowing what to do in someone else home. He felt unwelcome, despite being invited here. Was it alright for him to be here, after all? Yes, surely…

A faint sound catches his ear, and his eyes go wide when he realizes what it is. Ciel… is singing, as he cooks. Not loudly, just a low, gentle hum over the sound of a low fire. It's… rather soothing, actually, and he feels his anxieties melt. He wonders, briefly, if this is something Lu gets to hear often.

He also wonders if perhaps Ciel would do that for him, sometime. It's a thought that makes him feel the need to shake his head as if to dispel it. But… it’s so nice, and something so elegant, in contrast to him… (could he ever sing, himself? no, that was silly.) It warms his heart, a bit, and he saves it in his mind.

Ciel soon after pops his head through the doorway, informing him that he'll be bringing something out in a moment in a singsong manner.

When he does finally come out, he's carrying platters of elaborate dishes Raven can barely (or plain doesn't) recognize. He feels like he's stolen something, somehow, or that he's lost.

The plates clink on the table. “I can eat this?”

Ciel snorts. “Yes, silly. I made this for you.” He pauses. “I hope it's alright, I'm used to making sweets, since that's what Lu likes, but… I think you like meat more, not the type for cake, so I tried that…” He practically speaks to himself instead of Raven with how he babbles. He appears to be so wrapped up in the food that he hasn't even noticed that Lu left.

Raven clears his throat. “I don't think I've ever even seen food this elaborate. Thank you.”

Ciel beams. His ears light up in a way that's very charming, and he practically glows with pride. “I'm glad!”

Raven… still feels somewhat like he isn't allowed to eat what's in front of him, but… (ah, where did he find steak that big…?) Just this once.

He would have to ask Ciel to teach him how to cook, soon.

...

He realizes, now, that perhaps he doesn't feed himself properly, and that he is very, very sleepy.

“Oh, are you alright? Maybe I went overboard…”

Raven simply shakes his head. He wouldn't want Ciel to stress over it. It wasn't bad, anyway, just new.

“Hm… do you want to go to bed?” He swallows, shortly, “I'd hate to send you home so quickly. You could stay here for the night?” He can feel his heart beating faster, nervous, but he was never one to let that show. Besides, he felt confident in this.

Raven blinks. “That's alright with you?”

“Why would I offer if it wasn't?”

“Fair point. Then where?”

Ciel suddenly straightens. “Ah... “

“What?”

“We don't have a guest room… Would you mind staying in mine?”

Ravens immediate thought is ‘no, of course not,’ as it was nothing to himーhe had spent nights packed into cots with his peers before, that would be nothing, except…

Except, Ciel was… different. He was, (he felt his stomach stir oddly at the words) in love with him. It was different.

He shakes his head, in any case. “That's fine, as long as you're alright with it.”

Ciel nods, and holds his hand out for Raven to take it. Raven almost misses it, confused at first at the unfamiliar gesture. He reprimands himself right after for being so strange.

Ciels bed is lit through a window by early moonlight. It's pleasant, making the room more comforting than it already looked. And… a few soft plushies lay on the sides of the bed. Lus? (speaking of, where did lu run off to? she can't have gone somewhere far, right? but he doesn't pry.)

“Hmm… you can borrow something of mine if you want something more comfortable to sleep in.” Ciel shrugs towards one of two doors next to each other. “The closet’s there if you wanna take a shot to see if it fits.”

Raven nods, except he shuffles awkwardly through what he can find and grabbing a pair of sweatpants. They’re loose enough that it doesn’t matter if they fit or not, and he doesn’t plan on wearing a shirt anyway. Ciel nods him towards the other door when he walks out, but when he exits again, he stares.

“What’s wrong?” Raven asks.

“Huh? Oh, nothing. Nothing at all, honestly. You just… always look good.” He laughs, breathy and short. Raven suddenly feels embarrassed. Did he always look at him like that? Not that he minded, so much, but… the concept of being attractive to someone was foreign and long-forgotten. And… mostly just embarrassing.

Ciel repeats the same thing Raven did, and comes out in an oversized shirt with… a large print of a very round cat in the middle? That was… cute…  He shuffles into the bed wordlessly, with the ease of a motion he’s taken countless times. Except, it was with someone else this time, wasn't it?

Raven finds that he's stayed silently by the door for a rather long time now when Ciel turns to look at him, concerned.

“Do you not want to get in? It's fine if that's the case.”

“No, I…” Raven starts, but doesn't know where he's going. He worries his lip instead.

“...Mmm.” Ciel gets out of the bed and walks to him, taking his hand. “It's alright. Come on.” He says, pulling lightly on his hand. Raven follows the lead, and comes to sit on the edge of the bed with him.

He thinks he should at least turn away for this, or something, so he does. A ritual he knows by heart and muscle memory, a seal popping open, and a very strange feeling later, he hefts his Nasod arm to the floor and props it up. He’d have to quickly get it back on in the morning, but… it’d cause more trouble than convenience if he didn’t.

Ciel is staring, again. He quickly catches himself, but not before Raven notices.

“...Sorry.”

“Everyone does. It's fine.”

He shifts under the sheets with Ciel, and suddenly feels very wrong. He doesn't deserve this, does he? He most certainly doesn't, not like this. He’ll hurt Ciel if he gets any closer, so he should stay on the opposite side, and…

and Ciel pulls him by the waist into his arms.

“That's better,” he mutters sleepily, and rubs circles into Ravens back.

It's… good. Ciels embrace is calming, and feels more like home than anything Raven’s felt in… who knows how long.

But still… still, the feeling of being undeserving persisted. Ciel must have been able to feel how he remained stiff and anxious, because he kisses Ravens forehead.

“Hey,” he says, guiding Ravens hand to his own hip. “I want to be here with you. ...You won’t hurt me, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Raven breathes deeply before looking Ciel in the eyes. “Do you promise?”

He smiles, almost laughing. “I promise.

In fact…” He trails off, leaning closer to Raven, almost directly on him. “I want you to kiss me.”

Raven at least knows enough to know it'd be awkward to say anything, and obliges. Ciel is warm, and it spreads to himーwarm, soft and encompassing, something Raven welcomes with open arms, lets cover him whole. It feels safe, with himーsomething he rarely feels anymore.

Perhaps it's alright, thenーjust this once, to allow himself to let his guard down, to be happy without consequence.

Maybe… just this once. Maybe (he hopes, somewhere deep in his heart he can't yet see,) much more in the future.

...

There's something warm, something wet, something too bright covering his arms to the biceps. He doesn't get time to process it before he's lifted and shoved by the collar towards a tank, barely harboring a glance at the floor before being submerged. Bodies, bodies smothering it, smothering himーhe can't breathe. Every gasp is filled with burning liquid, every frantic scrape he takes at the glass is meaningless. He can't move his limbs, anything, everything is numbing. He can't let this happen, not again not again notー

He wakes and the ceiling is too far away. He moves his left arm first, remembers where he is, then tries his right, and remembers there’s nothing. He finds a warm hand almost immediately after scrambling in front of him again with his left, and gasps.

Ah, Ciel… Right, he's with Ciel… They fell asleep together, something that hadn't happened before.

He takes a deep breath and makes a decision.

“I'm sorry, Ciel,” Raven mutters before making to get out of the bed. Ciel stirs when he gets up, and he curses under his breath. He freezes, holding his breath and waiting until Ciel settles again before leaving.

...

The night air feels like stepping through a certain, into something new and refreshing. He breathes in deeply, trying to collect himself. He shoves his hand down the pocket of his sweatpants (ciels, rather), wondering if anyone would cause a fuss over a scary-looking man with one arm wandering around at night.

That was what people called him, wasn't it? Scary. He shakes his head. He knows he didn't give that feeling before he was captured. He figures it's a combination of the Nasod arm and all his scars. And… his demeanor. He tries to be nicer, he really does… He sighs. There's nothing to be done about it, really, is there? He's tried for years, to no avail. Perhaps he's damaged in more ways than his arm.

He kicks a loose chip of the sidewalk. It was a bit cold… It was the middle of the night, after all, and he'd only bothered to pull on his shoes so he could walk before heading out. It didn't matter, in any case. He would live. Nonetheless, he shivers and rubs his shoulder. He knew this part of Ruben well enough to know that… soon enough, a small river would come into view. He quickly gets to it, just as he thought.

He's come here before, on a few occasions like this. He finds water calming, for whatever reason. He settles by the shore, staring out at the surface of the water, rippling gently with the cool night winds. He attempts to settle his breathing, tune it with an imaginary flow of the waves. Ciel didn't need to see him like this. This way, he could deal with things on his own, and no one would be burdened with his issues.

The water is tranquil, and the aura of it seeps through his chest, until he finds the maelstrom in his chest has calmed. Running away like thisーit wasn't something he did before, either. But this was good, he knew it wasーit was the best possible solution that he could access to his troubles. At the very least, it was certainly better than… less than savory methods he'd used to cope in the past.

He stays like this for a long while, contemplating more than he likely should, in a state like this. He's only broken out of it when he hears frantic footsteps.

Shit, shit, shit, who is that? If it was just a passerby, he'd be fine, but if it wasn'tーshit, he hadn't brought a weapon, and his balance was thrown off (if just slightly) with no prosthetic.

“Raven? Are you there?” A familiar voice calls, and Ravens heart twists.

“...How did you find me?” He asks, perhaps too quietly.

Ciel rubs the back of his neck as he keeps walking to Raven. “I don't know that myself. I ran around for, ah, who knows how long until now.” He near collapses next to Raven when he gets to him. Raven feels his heart twinge with guilt. Had he been looking for him the whole time he'd been out…?

“...I’m sorry.” Raven mutters. Ciel laughs, out of breath.

“You should be!” then, after a moment, “I'm kidding. Very much so. You scared me half to death, though…” Ciel hangs his arms on his knees, breathing heavy. “So, any reason why you absconded into the night like that? I'm just that bad of a host?” He tries to keep his tone light, but concern shines through.

“It's… nothing, really.”

“Running off at four o’clock in the morning is kind of a little more than nothing.”

Raven runs a hand over his face, keeps it in his hair and stares at the stars. “It's nothing for you to worry about, at least.”

Ciel watches him as his head falls. “Raven?”

“Mm?”

“If…” He leans over to take Ravens hand in his own, ever-so-softly, and Raven turns to look at him in surprise. “If we're, really, seriously doing this, it's absolutely something for me to worry about.”

Raven feels his heart swell through the genuine words and Ciels gaze. “I… Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to… ruin the night you set up.”

“Shhh, don't be, you didn’t,” Ciel says, kissing Ravens knuckles. “Just let me know what's wrong.”

“You could tell that much?”

Ciel scoffs. “Is running away something you do when you're happy?”

Raven rolls his eyes. “Alright, I get it. It… was a nightmare, is all.”

“‘Is all.’”

“What?”

“That’s really all?”

Raven fidgets anxiously. He squeezes Ciels hand, not meeting his gaze, “No… It's not.”

“...Is it something I can know?”

Raven once again looks surprised. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” His face grows more solemn. “Things appear in my nightmares that… are very, very personal. If that's not something you're ready to share with me, it's okay. If you are, though... “ He brings Ravens hand to his chest. “I'm here to listen to anything you tell me.”

Raven clenches, unclenches his hand, stares at the ground between his feet. After a long moment, “I’ve told you how I got my Nasod arm, haven’t I?”

Ciel nods. “A little. I know you were experimented on, not much else.”

Ravens face is scrunched up something fierce, and he scowls at himself. “I… had a fiance. Comrades. They… were all killed, when I was kidnapped, and someone I had trusted aided in their murder.” He tries not to pay attention to the way Ciels face goes soft and heartbroken. “That’s… all I need to say, I think. You can likely imagine what the nightmares are about, now.”

“Ah…Iー”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry for me. I don’t need it.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“Then what?” If you’re not going to offer me your pity like everyone else, then what?

“I lost someone very important to me, too.” Ciel mutters, leaning against Ravens arm now.

“Hm?”

“He was… like a father to me. He took me in after my family was killed. I had a little sister, too.” Raven chances a look at Ciels face. He’s staring out at the water, head leaning on Ravens shoulder.

He has a smile on his face, but he’s not looking at the water, is he?

“He died, then?”

“Mm. What do you think? Killed, rather.” He gives a soft laugh. “He wanted me never to be like himーnever to be a hitman like himーeven made me promise not to hurt people.” He closes his eyes. “When I found out he was killed… I was just a kid, but I killed the people who hunted him down. With my past, nowーso much for that promise, I guess…”

Ciel hums and wraps his arm around Ravens, getting somehow even closer to him. “That’s my sob story. If I’m going to trust you, might as well get it all out.”

Raven lets them stay quiet for a moment, wrapped up in each others presence.

“Thank you… for telling me.”

Ciel shrugs. “I just want you to know that, you’re not alone in that pain, I suppose.” Then, after a moment, “Just because I spilled all that out doesn’t mean you have to. It’s okay if you don’t want to say anymore than you already have.”

Raven squeezes Ciels hand. “...Maybe… Maybe another time.”

“That’s fine.”

They watch the water together in silence. Raven tries to process everything that’s been said. The water is achy and the air feels thin with the scent of fresh grass. It’s familiar and not.

“Hey… Why’d you run off? You could’ve talked to me…” Ciel asks, lifting his head up to look at Raven.

“Ah, er. I didn’t want to burden you. I didn’t think you’d wake up…”

Ciel shakes his head. “The bed was all cold and empty after you left. I guess it was enough to disturb my sleep.” He pauses, then adds, “I’m glad it did. I don’t want you to be alone like that…”

“It’s not an issue. I’ve done it for years. Getting out, away from things, it helps me. It clears my mind, and doing it alone makes sure it doesn’t bother anyone.” Raven says as if it’s the plainest thing in the world.

“Mmm… Maybe so, but… I love you, you know. It wouldn’t bother me.” Ciel says, soft, almost a whisper.

‘I love you, you know.’ ‘I love you.’ ‘I love you.’ His tone so gentle, so genuine, repeating itself in Ravens mind, knowing it was directed at him, that it was meant wholly and truly…

Raven asks, pensively, “May I kiss you?” and Ciel dons a sleepy smile, nodding.

So he does, and it is safe, and it is comfortable, and he is most certainly home.

Ciel says, “I’m very glad I met you,” and nuzzles into Ravens neck, and Raven melts.

“And I you.” Raven pulls Ciel closer to him, arm around his waist.

“I want… I want to be there for you, like you have been for me,” Raven mumbles into Ciels hair. “I am not… particularly… good with emotions, mine or others. But, I… you deserve the same compassion you’ve given to me.” He seems to stumble over his words, as if finding a rocky path through a river.

Ciel smiles. “Aww, you’re a sweetheart.” Raven looks almost shocked, and he laughs. “But, really… It’s enough just to be with you.” He tips his head up towards Raven. “It’s wonderful. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

‘I don’t deserve you,’ flits through Ravens mind. ‘I don’t deserve such love, such care,’ he almost says it, the words dyeing his lips and then seeping in. He decides against it. Ciel shivers out loud and Raven pulls him closer.

“I’m… sorry for making you come out here in the middle of the night. We should get back inside, you’ll get sick.”

Ciel laughs at him. “I’m not that fragile, you know. But… yeah, I would like to get back in the warm house.” He shifts up to kiss Ravens cheek, and he almost doesn’t register Ciels next words from surprise. “Mm, but you’re so warm. Like a heater.”

“Let's go home,” says Raven, softer than anything else he's said tonight, and half-carries Ciel back to his bed.

The night is still cold, but Raven feels a warm fireplace in his chest that outmatches all of it.

...

By the time they get home, Ciel has shifted from walking beside Raven, holding his hand, to being near-asleep leaning against his side, with Raven having to nudge him alert every now and then.

He attempts to get in the doors as quietly as possible, and without disturbing the man half-asleep on his shoulder. He briefly forgets where the bedroom is, but he eventually finds it and nudges the door open with his foot and helps him into bed, where he goes still almost immediately.

It was… calming, somewhat, to watch him fall into sleep so easily. Knowing he could keep Ciel safe, and he could be that comfortable around him… It was good. Perhaps… he was capable of loving him as he deserved, perhaps he was capable of more than hurt.

He slips into the bed after him, and this time, lets himself lay close to Ciel, soaking up his warmth like a cat on a windowsill.

Maybe… Just maybe, he was allowed this happiness.