#I'm burnt OUT ive been at this FOR 5 YEARS I'm EXHAUSTED

[cowardlycowboys]

I get a raise in April but i don't know how to tell her I'm also quiting after Kingston's and my birthday

[seafoamchild]

may 5

i feel so tired of everything today. i feel like i'm swimming in the ocean and every time i come up for air, another wave just crashes into me and knocks me back under. like last month on my spring break i had so much trouble enjoying my trip because of another stupid fucking UTI and i didn't respond to the antibiotics and then i had to wait til i got home to get different antibiotics and i was in pain for so long.

and the sleep thing, OMG. i am so exhausted and i don't know what to do. my therapist has mentioned sleep hygiene so many times and it's clearly more than that. every time luke sleeps over, i can't sleep. like at all. like maybe i'll doze off for about an hour sometime in the early hours of the morning. but i essentially don't sleep. i've tried smoking indica, taking CBD, eating delta-8 gummies, taking time to wind down, no screens before bed, i've even tried taking trazodone twice now and it didn't do anything. i took two trazodone last night and it made my body incredibly tired but my mind wouldn't turn off and i think there was maybe an hour, maybe not even, where i dozed off a little bit and had hyper-realistic, disturbing dreams. i'm so frustrated and i feel so helpless. like i want my boyfriend to stay over like a normal relationship and i want it to feel nice. all i want is to wake up next to him feeling rested. but instead every time he sleeps over i just feel like a fucking zombie the next day and it's dreadful. i just don't know what to do, i don't know what to do! it's awful and it's really getting me down and i feel like ive just tried everything!!! and it's not just him. when i visited matthias in january we shared a bed and i didn't sleep for like four days.

and then on monday out of nowhere my hip just started killing me while i was at work. like i was limping. it felt like a pinched nerve or something. i could barely walk the next day. i went to acupuncture and he found so many knots in my lower back. it was so painful to lay there and feel how much my back hurt. like now i can't run until this pain starts going away. i can't believe how many times i've been to the doctor this year. all the therapy and psychiatry and UTIs and back pain - i feel so tired. i just want to feel well again. mentally i've been having such a hard time. i feel depressed, i feel no motivation to do anything. i don't know. i think i'm just sleep deprived and burnt out. i tried to do too much this semester and i burnt myself out. i want to feel energized and excited again.

that's not to say i never feel happy. i do, when i'm with friends or when i'm with luke. yesterday was my birthday and i woke up to sunshine after what felt like an eternity of grey days! luke came over with a picnic basket and a bouquet of daffodils that he picked himself. we took acid and went to the park, where we walked along the lake and had a picnic in the sun. it was so fun. we looked at flowers and birds and just played outside. then we went to the basilica and looked around at the stained glass windows and all the religious art, and then we went to the domes and looked at more plants together. it was so cute and fun. and then i had some friends over for drinks and snacks and it was very cute and the best part was when we were all sitting outside on my balcony and we saw a great horned owl land in a tree! it was silhouetted against the sunset! it truly felt like a sign- i've been wanting to see an owl for sooooooo long. and there it was! i got a sunny day and an owl!

then later that night me and luke were sleepily talking about our relationship before bed. he said i've made it so easy and fun and that the whole relationship has felt like being in a lazy river - just easy and simple. it's funny he feels that way. because for me it's been so much more stressful. my anxiety is seriously so bad. just wondering if he really likes me and feeling needy for asking for more reassurance and support and feeling rejection if he doesn't text me enough or if he doesn't wanna hang out after we've already hung out like three days in a row. like i feel crazy and irrational and i still don't know how to differentiate between things that are normal to feel upset over and what things are just me overreacting with anxiety. the uncertainty was so bad. i feel better now that he tells me he loves me and is way more affectionate. i knew it would take him a while. i think it really is my anxious attachment that has me falling in love so quickly and bending over backwards to make the relationship work and to make the other person love me. and i feel so insecure until the other person feels as intensely as i do. and then i still worry that they're going to leave me one day.

dude i am exhausted. i really am. i need some kind of fresh start.