#I'm not dysphoric about my dick but i do wish i had a pussy actually

[cinna-bunnie]

god didn't give me a pussy because they knew I'd be playing with it all day

[highschool-rooftop]

july 6th, 2023

back again as always but this time this entry will be dedicated the things i want to change most about my body, this... flesh mecha.

my hormones. i need hrt, my dysphoria feels like it keeps getting worse and worse every time i tell myself to just wait a little bit longer, til im just a bit more comfortable where i am, to have the money to afford it and pay for the prescription. i had remember having a dream a little recently of just offing myself because i couldnt take the dysphoria. im tired of putting in all the extra effort to appear feminine but if i stop no one at my work i feel will take me for who i am and customers will most definitely misgender me. i cant go through that every day again, that'll make things worse. at least if im on hormones eventually my body will have redistributed all the fat and muscle and what not and so i wont have to keep up with my stupid walk cycle or wear my makeup every time i go out.

my voice is another thing. i hate it so fucking much- i wish i could take scissors to my throat and cut out my fucking vocals thats how much i fucking hate them. my voice is so fucking masculine and no matter how much i practice and no matter what the fuck i do or say or how i pronounce certain words i feel like theres nothing i can do because it always cracks, it always comes out masculine even when my throat muscles are doing the right shit. i dont know what to do anymore im so tempted to just have shaving part of my vocals or whatever part of my transition because i cant.....

and also while I'm at it, i need bottom surgery as like second most highest priority because as i said before this dysphoria is going to kill me. i feel like i cant even enjoy masturbating because i want to have a pussy so fucking badly- i want to be the one thats being fucked- but thanks to the fact that i was born with a dick i cant enjoy any of that and unless im lucky and fascists dont overrun my country in our next election and somehow also they figure out how to give trans people full sex organ transplants that work and are safe AND i have all the money to afford it since its unlikely we're beating Capitalism™ and turn into an anarcho-communist society in the next 6 years i wont be able to because ill be stuck with having to make due with my ass. im not a fan of assplay honestly, as much as i dont want to admit this, my diet sucks and because of that my bowel movements aren't always the most consistent, which leads to accidents and then i have to not just deal with lube and (rarely, because its so stressful worrying about whether i can actually enjoy myself and orgasm or have to clean up early and feel gross, disgusting, and so dysphoric im damn close to just disassociating and spiraling into a depression pit deep enough to make dwarves gasp in shock and awe!! its awful, and its something that i just wouldnt have to deal with if i didnt have a dick. yeah id obviously deal with periods and all the cramps and mood swings and blood, and then id also deal with discharge but its all stuff i would gladly take and suffer with if it means i can put an end to this nagging feeling inside telling me im not good enough, im just a gross perverted monster, im a freak, and that i should just end it.