#I'm not poly /r because of my jealousy problems and need to not feel like I'm being replaced getting in the way of that

[angeltism]

oh to be part of rentarou's massive sapphic polycule

[ah17hh]

I really could use some help. I'm sorry for how long this is. via /r/polyamory

I really could use some help. I'm sorry for how long this is.

So, as the title says, I apologise for the length of this post, but the events described therein have taken place over the course of 5 months. I truly could use some help.

The individuals involved are me (M23), let's call the others "S"(F23) and "R"(M22).

For context, R and I have been friends since our second year of community college. We've been friends for 4 years. R and S have been dating relatively steadily for 2 years. Last year, me and R chose to be dorm roommates. Which is where all of this begins.

S would come visit R once a week to hang out, go places and all that. Most of the time she would hang out in the dorm. At first, I really didn't like her that much. She was kind of annoying actually. I slept in a lot so when S would come visit at 9am in the morning, I'd be pretty groggy. The more I got to know S though, the more I liked being around her. I loved her sense of humor, how she laughed, how she smiled. I looked forward to her visits more and more when it hit me that I was falling for her. It terrified me.

R was one of my closest friends; I didn't want to do anything that would hurt him. And instead of telling him that I was developing feelings for his girlfriend, I hid them. I tried to distance myself from her, though that was hard to do. I craved her presence. Despite my better judgement, I went on a trip with S, alone, to the aquarium while R was busy. We didn't do anything, but it was made clear that we both had feelings for each other.

Fast forward a few days and R and I find ourselves kicked out of the dorms thanks to COVID. I thought that was my chance to put my feelings for S aside but I was wrong. See our classes shifted to all online and as I moved back in with my folks who didn't have internet, I was up a creek. Lo and behold, S actually lived quite close to me, with internet. So I began visiting her place to work on assignments. And after so many days of being together just us, I cracked. We ended up kissing and told each other how strongly we felt about another. The next day she broke up with R and for about 2 days everything was covered in a thick cloud of bliss that blocked out everything else. But that came crashing down. She felt as though she had wronged R and she knew that she still had feelings for him even though she cared for me. And I missed my friend. I felt so selfish and awful. I destroyed one of my closest friendships.

A few days later we all met up at S's house and talked, but we didn't accomplish much. All too afraid to hurt the feelings of someone we cared about. That was the first time the idea of being poly came up but me and R were just far, far too stubborn to listen. So S agreed to date the two of us, but separately, until she decided. We tried a few times with all three of us together, we had a few movie nights, a beach trip, and more. But there was just so much tension. We stopped doing things together.

It's been 5 months. In these 5 months, I have had some of brightest and darkest moments of my life. Some of the most joy and the most pain. I love S so very much. But R loves her too.

Roughly a week or so ago, S broke things off with me because she saw how much it was hurting me. I tried to accept it. I stayed away from her. We didn't meet up. And just tried to be friends. But that didn't work. We met up the other day and there was this outpouring of emotion that neither of us could control. I love her, I can't change that. She can't change her feelings for me either.

However, since the breakup, I've begun to talk with R again. And I've realized just how much I've missed him. I can't lose him again, but I can't let S go either.

My eyes are open to something that they should've been a long time ago. None of us have to lose anyone. If me and R can put aside petty jealousy, neither of us have to lose someone we care about. And we could both stop ripping S apart.

The problem is, I think it's too late now. I'm visiting S tomorrow and plan to bring this up to her, but I'm scared of her answer. There may have been an opportunity for us to all be happy together, but think I may now be passed.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, but I just feel so lost. So powerless. I love S with all my heart and if her happiness isn't with me I will let her go, but I can't change my feelings. R has been one of my closest, one of my only friends, for years. I can't lose him again.

I just need some help.

Submitted August 22, 2020 at 01:32PM by lovestruck9445 via reddit https://ift.tt/31j2gsX