#LETS NOT FORGET THIS IS THE MIXTAPE EPISODE PEOPLE I REPEAT THIS IS THE MIXTAPE EPISODE

[basement-office-log]

Some Thoughts about BTS...

So... this is basically, the story of how I got in and out of the BTS fandom. (Okay not exactly out because I’m still casually following them nowadays)

How I discovered them is ironically, like many of you, through youtube. It was just before the Run era I guess??? (around the end of 2015). Like somewhen between the Dope and Run era that I got in the fandom.

I guess I can consider myself as one of those depressed fans (lol), I actually remembered there was a option in the BTS fan survey around their BS&T era(???) that said “are you the kind of person that is easily depressed” and I ticked yes.

Almost instantaneously, I fell for the song “Butterfly” it was just the prologue that released back then. The MV was beautifully made, with a sad happy yet depressed undertone, perfectly described how I’m feeling back then.

I first noticed I’m depressed back then in 2015 (let’s be honest, college makes everyone depressed), more like “ahh so this is what being depressed is”. 

And what now... I’m writing this after a tiring long day at work so things may jump back and forth... 

Both their HYYH albums, I had gone through countless late nights listening the tracks on repeat, those are still my favourite albums up till today. Beapsae, instead of partying, that was the song that kept me awake till 5 a.m. ahh those memories... Same with Dope, I did not read the english lyrics until the hundredth repeat lmao. I was actually expecting the song to be about how cool I am, come to oppa and I’ll make you the princess kind of lyrics but ehh boi you surprised me with those raps hmmm....... 

And... Jungkook, I did not like him when I first got into the fandom, to be honest. Because he’s younger than me and also he’s the center, main vocal of the group, despite the youngest. I remembered I was like, wow cocky brat isn’t it. Hehhhhhh but I grew to like him over time anyway, he’s cute, talented, good looking and all but still, it would be hella a headache if I were to have a younger brother like him.

It took me a year to like Jungkook because... The more I look at stuff, he’s just a regular boy, growing up, working hard, trying not to disappoint his parents and people around him. In a sense, aren’t we all just like that? There really is no reason to hate. 

Another member is Jimin. He’s another member that I don’t quite like when I just got in the fandom. We all know that he acted a bit flirtatious during his debut days, up to the Danger era, honestly, his eye make-up makes me feeling uncomfortable to look at him. That’s the first thing. The appearance and the way he acts, in no way I’m trying to say he’s ugly, because if I were to compare myself to him, umm I probably looked like a bum lol.

It took me a lot longer to like Jimin, it’s until the Spring Day era that I thought, alright Jimin is charismatic and cute, admit it. Hah yea... Now, this is when the second stage of not liking Jimin comes. I started to fear him. It’s weird I know, why would I scared of “the mochi of BTS” Let me tell you why.

It’s scary to see how hard a person can work, that his goal is probably more important than his life. It makes me think that I am not and will not be a person like this, living is more important than what I am achieving. I wouldn’t want to risk my life doing things, however important that thing might be. Well people said, you will never achieve your goal like this if you don’t put your life on it. But I don’t care about that, but at the same time I’m feeling guilty about that. 

It might be a Korean thing, we all know Koreans worked insanely hard because of society standards. Or it also could be a Jimin thing, Nevertheless, this man have my respect. The respect that I keeps me away from accepting him.

I’m kind of in the neutral range with Suga, J-hope and Jin like they are cool, fantastic, great people. 

-----

This is almost 24 hours later, since the last paragraph. Again, a long and tiring day, after work, prolly a few minutes away from losing consciousness (a.k.a. falling asleep lol)

This shit is going to be very VERY long, nah it doesn’t matter because no one is going to read this anyway, even if I tagged BTS below, I’m writing this for myself.

I’ll just briefly talk about RM and V before going into my main topic today, (all because I cut myself off yesterday to hit the hay ekkk).

Rapmon bro, the reason why I decided to look into this group is because of his mixtape. I have 2 of his tracks in my old phone back then, everything was gone when my phone literally died a few months back. (The whole album is available for free download anyway so its all good) I have no interest in hip hop or whatsoever back then, but I became interested in hip-hop just a little after listening to his mixtape album. He is really someone I look up to, honestly, it’s no easy job to be a leader, not just in idol groups but just in every field in general. I tried becoming one because my mother always expect me to be one, after a few attempts (it was back in high school by the way) I thought it’s just not my thing, I’m more of a following instruction kind of person, I do my part and make sure everyone is okay. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to become a leader like person. In the future, maybe... But my depression went really downhill these days, so I’m not sure if that day will come. But I do aspire to become someone like him.

V or I prefer calling him Tae. He is my first bias. His existence just screams “RELATABLE” to me, (minus his looks) He seemed to be struggling with words whenever he tries to say something. That also is something I had to deal with on a daily basis. It’s like when you have good looks, everything you did is cute, but for me, it’s more like an annoyance. So I tried to keep quiet as much as possible. Nevertheless, I just hope that I will meet someone that will understand the way I talk like the other BTS members did with Tae, have a best friend like Jimin and... yea.

BTS hmm the annual sit and talk for part of their BTS Festa thingy, it’s called the Dinner Party this year hmm cool. I stopped watching after the first 30 minutes, for the exact reason why I also did not watch more than 5 minutes of last year’s sit and talk.

We all know that, they had achieved tremendous success for the past few years. A lot of their songs often circle around their hardships and what fuck the haters?? If that make sense. Whenever they have talks like this, I always bail myself out there, and yea I never install Vlive back after I got this new phone because there really is no reason to catch every live and Run BTS episodes now.

This was not long before the DNA era, I always found myself having thoughts like:

“So you have started to avoid BTS hmm?” Yea right, took me a while to admit. I used to not miss a single notification. There is no more random videos on the BangtanTV channel as they get more and more popular, there is just backstages and really just back stages and behind the scenes of their daily schedules and tours. It shows that they are working hard, really hard. Which leads me to the next question.

“It feels uncomfortable isn’t it, comparing yourself to a worldwide famous group of artist?” Hmph. I worked hard, really hard. I even live by the motto, do or die. But that doesn’t seemed to be enough. People around me, always told me that I should push myself more. I DID, I REALLY DID, BUT WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT.

“But BTS can, why can’t you?” I’m just going to work harder, I tell myself. I don’t have to face the same pressure as BTS did, I’m having it way more easier. But at the same time, there is seven of them in BTS, but there is only one me.

The voice at the back of my head, you are not helping.

I swiped away all notifications from BangtanTV ever since. 

Because seeing them having each other around reminds me how am I not going to have friends like this, how I’m never going to achieve this much. But mostly it reminds me how lonely I am.

By the time the Mic Drop remix released, I started having what I called the depressive episodes. I think I’m going to describe them as a waking nightmare, all the thoughts in my head are killing each other, fighting for the limited space in my head. Which ever thought that dominate my mind is the winner. I stared into blankness, tears and snots all over my face, hyperventilating while finding excuses to tell people what happened to me if anyone ever sees me. 

Honestly I don’t think people is going to read this... but the tag is down there just for the slightest hope that people that come across this will know that, ahh there are people like this out there too... Some of you might think, this is pathetic, attention seeking but at the end of the day, I just want some closure for myself. I need to admit that, no matter how much interviews I watch, how much memes I’ve seen everyday, they are not going to be my friends. They will forever be the people in screens, and I belong to the 97% of the population that will lead a normal life.

Here I am, the Fake Love era that comes to a close. I can’t even bring myself to listen to the whole album, because chances are, some of the lyrics are going to trigger the shit out of me. Same goes with Suga’s mixtape, J-hope’s mixtape.

I really miss the days where they made simple love songs like the ones in the Dark and Wild album. Blanket Kick is my personal favourite. 

I’m sure there are still a lot more that I had in mind but I just forget what is it about to include in this. I’ll get a part 2 done when there is time. 

BTS now just feels like the popular kids I went to school with, now graduated from a school named ARMY, they are like the ex-classmates I bump into once in a while. Thank you, for the best 3 years in my life. I had lots of laughter, times that I forgot about my sadness and your warm words that took me through difficult times. You are the reason that I survived until today and also the trigger of some of my episodes. 

SInce it’s already past midnight, I wanted to say Happy 5th debut anniversary, stay healthy (to both BTS and ARMY out there) be happy and may you all be reaching higher and higher till you celebrate your 10th anniversary. (or maybe longer)

*Just a sidenote, as a Malaysian fan, I’m just going to keep calling Rapmon, Rapmon because RM is our effin currency, I don’t want to be reminded of money issues whenever I thought of you. As far as I know, you do have a beautiful name as your mother definitely did not named you Rap Monster. It’s just that stage name exist for a reason. And I think I know at least 5 Jins in real life, so the wide shoulder hyung is just going to be Kim Seok Jin in my head haha yea.

[airadam]

Episode 125 : The Audacity Of Dope

"In the land of the free, the slaves are still here."

- Jerry Beeks

The grind continues, and as the autumn starts to really draw in, the selection gets you prepared for full hoodie and boot season with some rugged sounds from the old to the new!

A couple of events for you...

The Flyest @ Klondyke Club, Manchester, November 15th - guest starring me on the turntables!

Artifacts ft. DJ Mr.Len @ Joshua Brooks, November 30th

Twitter : @airadam13

Playlist/Notes

Royal Flush : Life Is Hard

Royal Flush is known to most for his debut "Ghetto Millionaire" album, but he definitely has had some other solid tracks over the years. While this is on the 2019 release "The Governor", it was first heard on the 2005 "Street Boss" album. The production (don't have credits for this one) is top-notch, with the eerie and dramatic instrumental sounding very noir - a perfect backdrop for Flush's grim Queens thug braggadocio.

[Maxmillion] Panda One : Elaborate (Touch You) (Instrumental)

There's another track on this 2002 12" that has been the favourite for me for a long time, but on a re-visit this month I had to give this beat a little bit of light! The sample it's based around has been used before, but not quite like this - good job by Maxmillion.

Phi Life Cypher : Earth Rulers

One of my favourite rhyme duos with a killer single! DJ Beware put me up on this one back in the day, but I only recently got my own vinyl copy. Si Phili and Life just firehose lyrics right down the DJ Nappa-produced track, in a way any fan of bars has to appreciate. The finishing touches are provided by the dancehall samples, which I think come from recordings of the veteran Earth Ruler sound system - the little one-bar sample that drops in in place of a hook is absolute fire! 

Redlight Boogie ft. DJ Chainsaw : Hands Down

Amsterdam's Redlight Boogie yells, snarls, and spits his way through this cut from the "Dirty Money, Clean Hands" album - abrasive like a sack of Brillo pads. DJ Chainsaw drops in for some cuts at the close, which end up blending over the scratches from... 

Gang Starr : Bad Name

Huge new single which the heavy Hip-Hop listeners will surely have had on repeat the last few weeks! Easily the biggest musical surprise of the last few years has been the news that a new Gang Starr album release is imminent, and that there have been unreleased Guru vocals in the vault all these years. The "Family & Loyalty" single stunned everyone, and this follow-up will keep the buzz going until the LP drops. DJ Premier on production, the late great Guru on the mic - it's what we've been missing.

Bronx Slang : More Grief

It's been great to see Bronx Slang getting momentum up this year off the back of their excellent debut album, and it just so happens that this track that I was planning to play anyway turns out to be their new single! Jerry Beeks gets busy on the mic with the kind of consciousness that a lot of people swear doesn't exist in music these days, while Jadell packs in the funk to complete the soulful stew. Don't sleep!

Jay Dee : Jay Dee #17

Big shout to Iain and Teresa for hooking up a release I needed in my collection - "King of the Beats" by J Dilla! Lots of unreleased beats on this one, as well as a few the hardcore listeners might know. This particular beat bounces along with that characteristic Dilla swing, focusing on the low end for a pleasing groove.

Skyzoo & Pete Rock : Ten Days

If you like Pete Rock beats, you want to get the new "Retropolitan" album - 100% Soul Brother #1, with Brooklyn's Skyzoo helming mic proceedings throughout. This isn't the kind of beat that you automatically associate with Rock, but it just goes to show he can be versatile with it. Skyzoo is on that "get money" talk here, with a hook that conjures up this scene from "Paid In Full". As an aside - I totally forgot that the closing track on this album shares the podcast title, which I've wanted to use with the cover photo for a while!

Black Moon : A Haaa

My goodness, what a wait - sixteen years since the "Total Eclipse" album (2006's "Alter the Chemistry" was dope, but essentially a remix project), but at last Black Moon are back in full effect on "Rise of da Moon"! One of the original Timbs and hoodies crews, this episode wouldn't have been right without them. This tune is short but a banger, with a heavy digital bassline anchoring things while Buckshot showcases the flow and flavour that made him famous. Also check that heavy boom that kicks in between the 1 and 2 beats of each bar!

Black Thought ft. Styles P : Making A Murderer

Devastation from last year's "Streams of Thought, Volume 1" EP. More bars than HMP, more bars than Temple Bar. Black Thought is one of the world's best MCs, who needs no hook and offers no reprieve on his fire first verse. It's a brave man who would get on the mic after him, but Styles P takes the challenge and does himself proud - rising to the occasion. 9th Wonder's instrumental beats you into submission in the best way with the heaviness of the drum track, but it's Thought that holds the murder weapon here.

Children of Zeus : Ghost

CoZ maintained their hot streak of great music with "The Winter Tape", and it's just about the season for those tunes to get a re-airing. Tyler Daly takes sole charge of the vocals for this haunting tale of lost love. 

Vanilla : Sweet Talk

The title track from the last of the soul-inspired beat tape trilogy by this UK producer is a smooth one. Vanilla works a melancholy 70s soul sample, and the drums are suitably subtle so as not to overpower it.

Professor Griff and the Last Asiatic Disciples : The Verdict

This is the first of two tracks from albums that opened up the nineties, just as we start to look towards a new decade. Professor Griff's solo debut album "Pawns in the Game" came during his initial suspension/expulsion, and found him on unfamiliar ground as he was not a rhyme writer by trade. Still, he delivered the rhymes with conviction (no pun intended) on a song that opens with a take on Louis Farrakhan's short play "The Trial", and the rest of the L.A.D come through too. Beat Master Clay D provides the beat, based on a familiar break that never gets old but packed with other samples in a way that is unaffordable in terms of clearance fees these days...

Master Ace : I Got Ta

When the Juice Crew veteran's name was still spelled this way, the year was 1990, haircuts were angular, and Ace was making his solo debut on the highly regarded "Take A Look Around", from which this track is taken! Mister Cee takes a classic James Brown sample and keeps the Godfather's voice in for Master Ace to work around lyrically as he states his intentions.

Joell Ortiz ft. Jadakiss, Sheek Louch, and Styles P : Put Some Money On It

Second straight tune working a vocal sample into the lyrics - this time, from the 2011 "Free Agent" mixtape with The LOX making a great guest appearance. Straight street bars all the way through, and Sean C and LV with the uptempo soul/funk production for a big win.

Sampa The Great ft. Krown : Time's Up

Massive thanks to Agent J for gifting me this LP! From Zambia via Botswana and Australia comes Sampa, whose new LP "The Return" jumps around stylistically but never lets you forget that this is an MC of quality. She and the featured guest Krown take the machinations of the record industry to task on this one and announce that the clock has run out on their BS. Silentjay's beat starts off centred around those stick hits to remind you of a clock, then brings those lows in to drive it forward. Definitely an album worth a listen!

Boogie Down Productions : Duck Down (Instrumental)

Early 90s ruggedness on this 12" release from the "Sex & Violence" LP. KRS and Pal Joey smack the beat into the drum sampler here, and right at the end you hear the sound effect that plays under one of Hip-Hop's best-remembered calls for a rewind!

Edgar Allen Floe : Arrest The President (Cypher God)

We played the original version of this track to open episode 90, almost three years ago, but I only recently learned that there was a remake! Edgar Allen Floe of the Justus League does a solid job with this, covering similar themes as the original and even borrowing some of the rhyme scheme while switching up the words themselves. The dope beat is pretty much the exact same as the Marley Marl-produced original, bringing that hectic 80s urgency and just begging to be cut up every time. Check out more of Floe's work on the rest of the album, "The Streetwise LP".

Please remember to support the artists you like! The purpose of putting the podcast out and providing the full tracklist is to try and give some light, so do use the songs on each episode as a starting point to search out more material. If you have Spotify in your country it's a great way to explore, but otherwise there's always Youtube and the like. Seeing your favourite artists live is the best way to put money in their pockets, and buy the vinyl/CDs/downloads of the stuff you like the most!

  Check out this episode!

[love-myself-love-you-blog]

Birthday

If there was one thing you loved about living in Korea, it was the colder seasons. The cool breath of winter breeze had somehow snaked into your layers of coats, sending chills down your spine. You shivered a little. As you rubbed your gloved hands together for warmth, you couldn’t help but feel the beginnings of goose bumps on your arms. Fortunately, it hadn’t started snowing yet. You inhaled the night air sharply, feeling the sheer coldness pierce your lungs and bring stinging tears to the rims of your eyes. Gosh, it was good. So good that you began to laugh.

What a complete crackhead I must seem to the neighbours. Your ribs and face ached, but still your laughter echoed around the empty oval. The sound was unwelcome, a mockery of the peaceful scene around you. The absurdity of your situation both unsettled and tickled you. If the prickly ahjumma from upstairs peeked out of her window now, she would probably call the police on the suspicious, well-padded figure below. Cackling alone in the park, on a night of minus 4 degrees Celsius.

Stuff her for being nosy then. After seemingly a good decade or two, you dropped onto the park bench exhausted. The pounding of your heart slowed. The breeze danced in the tendrils of your hair, gentled caressed your flushed cheeks with a touch reminiscent of your mother. Finally, you took in the beauty of your surroundings. The last golden flashes of gold and peach flashed through the trees, contrasting strongly against the Korean winter sky. The neighbourhood park was nothing special. However, in the twilight it was transformed into a place of dreams. In the cold air, you could feel alive. In the sunset, you could feel happy. Well, almost. Heck, you had even laughed. Laughed like how you used to. But nothing could overpower the pangs of hurt and sadness, sadness at the fact that you were now spending your birthday alone in a park.

The snow started to fall. You trudged back to your first-floor apartment. The minute it took to cross the road felt too long, as if your steps had been filmed in slow motion. Your skin tingled as snowflakes kissed each and every piece of exposed skin. It was cold, too cold now, even for the likes of you. Yet the snow always felt warmer than your own apartment would ever be. Your first-floor apartment had come with its own porch. You liked to think of it as your special place. It also became your Yoongi’s special place when he had moved in. Your meandering strings of thought were snapped as you were reminded of him. Back in high school, you had been somewhat known for your temper. Now it struggled against its chain as you thought of your boyfriend. Well, some fucking boyfriend he is, you snarled internally. You tore off your boots and hurled them into the corner of the veranda. A dozen layers of jackets soon followed.

What a strange sight for the neighbours, the foreign girl stamping around on her porch in the middle of winter. In pink pyjamas. Pink pyjamas he had bought for you, actually. In fact, he had a matching identical pair just for the laughs. Exactly 2 years ago on this same evening, you two had been parading around in them. Senselessly drunk on birthday champagne. You felt angry tears prick at your eyes and pushed the hilarious memory away. Sinking into your favourite deck chair, your teeth chattered with cold and rage. You screamed curses and hell into your mind. Fuck you, Min Yoongi. Fuck you for leaving your girlfriend alone on her birthday. Fuck you for probably forgetting. Fuck you for just never coming home recently. Fuck you for just never being here.

A lone tear dropped onto the armrest. You gazed as it in shock. This wasn’t how it was meant to be. You weren’t supposed to be like this on your special day, alone on your porch freezing and pathetic.

“I know I’m not really like this-” Your own sentence was cut off by your barrage of wails and tears. You gripped the arms of the deck chair, trying to find some sort of stability in the onslaught of pain that now washed over you. It hurt. It fucking hurt, the realisation that this wasn’t the first time that this had happened to you. You recalled the night of your 2nd year anniversary with Yoongi, you had also been trying to laugh off your loneliness on the park bench. That had been only 3 weeks ago. Your anger and rage and sarcasm and irritation, it was all gone now. Your chest heaved. Every time you breathed, it fed the aching of the tight knot in your chest. It was disgusting, that you could hear your own voice repeating “Yoongi” over your chokes and sobs. Eventually, your chest heaved slower and slower. Your breathing gradually lost its raspiness. Drained and numb to the cold, you fell asleep in your pink pyjamas on the porch chair.

In the morning, you felt disgust and contempt at yourself. Ironically, you felt the tiniest sliver of amusement; it had certainly been a birthday to remember. Your cheeks were salty, your feet were cold and your parkas were littered all over your porch. It didn’t help that the upstairs ahjumma and her dog were now staring at you from the pavement outside. Your face burning a similar shade to your pyjamas, you snatched everything and dashed inside. You needed a shower. Immediately.

In the amazingly warm water, you cringed at last night’s events.

“What the fuck came over me?” You groaned to the ceiling as you remembered your episode of manic laughter and sobbing. You scolded yourself countless times. I totally overreacted. Why was it only now you remembered that Yoongi now had to work endlessly as the deadline for his mixtape approached? You knew that he was extremely stressed. He had implored you to be understanding, he had reassured you that his sometimes week-long studio sessions would provide the breakthrough both of you needed. Stress made people forget. Yeah. Stress always made people forget.

It hadn’t even been a totally terrible birthday. Your friends and colleagues had all sent the expected birthday cards, flowers and knick knacks. Your mother had perhaps sent the best gift of all; a large package filled to the brim with poptarts, the Food for the Gods. If there was one thing you hated about living in Korea, it was the absence of poptarts. Also the absence of your mom. I’ll definitely visit her next summer. Yoongi would have released his mixtape by then, and it would’ve taken the underground hip-hop community by storm. You two would’ve return to normal, only with a little more coin in pocket and fame. Of course, you two would. Your mom would be ecstatic at seeing him again.

On the morning of your birthday, your best friends had spammed you with hilarious texts. They had even rung you at the ungodly hour of 6 ‘o’clock to yell their ‘best wishes’. Namjoon and Ayoung really knew what pissed you off. You smiled as you thought of your best friends. I would never have survived in Korea without them. Ayoung had been your roommate during your failed stint at your local college. You had made sure she knew her way around and perfected the Californian accent by the end of her first week. When it was your turn to be new and clueless in her home country 6 years ago, she had returned the favour.

After Namjoon had painstakingly proved to you that he was worthy of dating your best friend, you and Ayoung’s inseparable partnership had included him to form an inseparable trio. The three musketeers. Perhaps the three stooges would be more suitable. Kim Namjoon, Choi Ayoung, Y/N. The summer of 20XX had been one of the best summers of your life. And you hated summer. Days of melted icecream and ferries to Jeju. Nights of bonfires and discussing dreams under star splattered skies. Oh, how you missed that year. The one year between the worlds of a college exchange student and a qualified woman. The fun. The freedom. The memories flowed like the burning water down your back.

The humidity in the tiny bathroom was now unbearable. Sighing, you switched the stream of water off. You towelled yourself off and stepped out. With the cursed pair of pink pyjamas under your arm.

The coldness of your apartment hit you head-on. You were a deer frozen in headlights as the chilly air attacked you through the flimsy towel. So cold, so white. The white and cream theme had been an attempt to be hip and modern. It had been your idea, and Yoongi had been opposed to your paintbrush like the stubborn soul he was. You remembered how you had argued for a classier living space, and Yoongi storming off, yelling he couldn’t give a thousand fucks for it. You remembered the fabulous feeling of your ‘classiness’ shattering as Yoongi had come back and made love to you on the new white couches. The chuckle that came out of your mouth was out of place. Now the space seemed Antarctic: devoid of passion, creativity, life. You almost wished you had stayed in the bathroom, enveloped in steam and nostalgia. Maybe we should redecorate after Yoongi finished his mixtape. You tossed the pink pyjamas onto the couch. Even the crude pink livened the scene a bit.

The kitchen was a little better. It was defiled by present wrappings and the remains of cake. The cake you had bought yourself. It should have been a happy day, yesterday. Your best friends had spoilt you, you had liked all your cheesy little presents. For some stupid reason, tears threatened to spill again. No. You didn’t let them. You would not be that pathetic figure laughing and crying in the park last night. You turned to walk to your bedroom for something to pull on. The cold was getting to you. You glimpsed those pink pyjamas again. Lying there on the couch. Stupid Yoongi had a matching pair in a closet somewhere. You remembered that he had bought them as a couple thing, as a joke. Exactly 2 years and 1 day ago, those pyjamas had morphed into something more than cheap cotton. You two had paraded around in them, drunk on birthday champagne. You had danced like a wild thing, even had twerked in his face. He had been shocked but ecstatic, realizing that there was some truth to the stereotype of crazy foreigner. 2 years and 1 day ago, you two had been out taking shots out on the porch. Exhausted, stuttering. His promise still rang in your mind. Even if his vision had been blurry and his breath had reeked, he had still promised.

“Y/N, I’ll always be here for you. N-n-no matter what fucking comes, I’ll be here.”

You had looked somewhat sober for a moment. Then you had vomited over the railing.

Except, now he wasn’t here. That’s why you weren’t happy. The revelation developed to new heights. You hadn’t been happy for a long time. You didn’t care if you were selfish or overreacting or whatever, you wanted him. How you had wanted, how you craved for his laughter to mingle with yours last night in the park, for his calloused hand to anchor you to reality as you cried your heart out. Fuck his mixtape, fuck his studio, fuck his dreams. Fuck all of it just for a little moment. It had been your birthday. He hadn’t been here. You expected tears, a breakdown, another episode of sad laughter. It never came. Fuck this apartment. Its coldness even suppressed your own emotions.

Changed and armed with your essentials, you stepped out of that cold, cold place. You looked back and a flutter of curtains upstairs attracted your attention. Of course. You waved to the nosy ahjumma. Afterall, you wouldn’t be back for a little while. You had texted Yoongi you needed a little space. No reply. He was probably busy penning lyrics. He would understand. He had to understand, he had forgotten your own birthday.

“Y/N?!” Ayoung’s shrill cry of surprise was adorable. You banged on the door again, impatiently. There was a scramble inside for a good 5 minutes before Ayoung’s flushed face greeted yours. Inside, a rather out-of-breath Namjoon reprimanded you.

“Hey birthday girl, I know we’re all close and that but next time could’ya at least give us a heads up?”

Kim Namjoon, just admit the fact that I interrupted you two during a quickie.

“It’s really, really bad, surprising people like that. You know, high blood pressure is quite common in young people these days.”

You rolled your eyes. You loved him, you cherished his loyalty to you and Ayoung during all these years, but his shit excuses always made you question that.

“You fucking sound like my Grandpa. High blood pressure, sounds more like a quick sex session to me.”

He mumbled something that suspiciously sounded like “bitch”. Red-faced Namjoon wasn’t common, so you played with him a bit further. Anything to distract you from your own troubles.

“Ayoung! Ayoung! Ayoung!”

Being the total sweetheart, she was, she rushed over to help her bestfriend.

“Your boyfriend was being a- pabo,” you pouted with an expression that could put Girl’s Generation aegyo to shame.

You exploded into laughter as both she and Namjoon cringed at your face and the slaughtering of their language. Laughter was great. This was great. You had your two best friends, and that was all you needed. You didn’t need an absent boyfriend and the place where both of you lived as practically strangers. At least, not right now. Yoongi could continue with the mixtape he was so besotted with.

Now came the difficult part of informing Ayoung and Namjoon that they wouldn’t be having quickie sex sessions for a while now. You were staying for a couple of days. Until the pathetic, crying little girl in pink pyjamas was totally and utterly out of your life. It would be good for you. Yoongi as well. He had always found your ‘clinginess’ one of your most annoying traits.

After your explanation, after retelling the pain and realisations of your birthday night, Ayoung sat down on her sofa and cried. The eyes which you thought had been dehydrated already were soon wet. Soon you sat beside her, both of you wailing. The tears were nothing like the night before, but each one still contained a drop of desperation and loneliness. One by one. Drip. Drop. Namjoon forced you into his warm, strong arms. He held you. Namjoon’s embrace was reassuring and stable. Comforting. You noticed that compared to Namjoon, recently your boyfriend’s had been little unsure, a little distant. The last time he had even embraced you was not even recent. Such an insignificant detail triggered a second flood of tears. Ayoung’s sobs began to still. Yours continued. Namjoon clutched you as sob after sob wracked your frame. He held you as your wails began to take the form of whispered pleads. The desperation and isolation you had kept beneath your smile began to take the form of words. Ayoung covered her ears. Those words were not nice to hear. Namjoon held you until you stopped trembling.

You looked up to face a smiling Ayoung. Despite her smile, you could see the sadness in her stunning brown eyes. You turned to Namjoon. He had turned his face away and let you go. You knew he could not bear to face the breaking down of one of his closest friends.

“Why did you cry Ayoung? You didn’t really ... I mean you guys had never liked Yoongi anyway.”

Silence.

“It’s for the best, you know. I mean, it’s for only a couple of days. I love him, I still fucking love him. But I can’t stay in that place. I can’t wait for someone who never comes home. I can’t wait for someone who leaves me alone on my birth-” You started trembling again. Ayoung still smiled. Why is she smiling? Why is she fucking smiling?

“I wore those fucking pink pyjamas, I waited for him all night. Still the bastard-”

You were interrupted by Namjoon this time. His usually deep, velvety voice was tired and strained.

“My girlfriend, your best friend, didn’t cry because of sadness. Ayoung cried with happiness, Y/N. Happiness that after all this fucking time, after all these fucking months, you-you’ve started to accept...”

Both Namjoon and Ayoung knew he didn’t needed to finish his sentence.

Of course, Yoongi never came home anymore. He had to break his promise that “no matter what fucking comes, he would always be here for you”. He wouldn’t have magically run back into your arms for a trivial matter like your birthday. You knew clawing onto hope was useless. You should’ve let the last memory of him stepping out of your door lay to rest. Even if you’re weren’t happy, letting go would’ve made him happy. He had never liked your clinginess. Yoongi was gone, completely gone from your life. A strange peace settled over you for the first time, and for once your conflicting emotions stayed asleep.

I’m fine. I’m fine now, you see. I’m already fine and my boyfriend has been dead for 6 months.

You forced yourself to start accepting those horrible, horrible words. You hoped you really would, in time. The corner of your mouth turned up slightly.

Well Yoongi, this really has been the shittiest birthday.

Whether he was in heaven or hell or purgatory or oblivion, you hoped he was laughing at your words. He had always loved your warped sense of humour.